Dummies and College Applications

Dummies and College Applications

  by

  T. J. Robertson

  Copyright 2012 T. J. Robertson

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  The way you fill out your application can determine whether or not you get accepted into college. Believe me; nobody knows that better than do I. My SAT scores were the lowest ever recorded in the annals of the Educational Testing Service and, as for my high school transcript, let’s just say it was a sorry sight--so sorry that even a blind man wouldn't have wanted to look at it. The closest I came to meeting the math requirements--algebra and geometry--was, as a baby, playing with the abacus on the side of my playpen. Because, to me, English was a foreign language, you can imagine my shock upon learning that the admissions office refused to accept it as such.

  I don’t know how, in heaven’s name, I got accepted at PU. PU’s an acronym--remember this last word because it just might appear as a vocabulary word in the critical reading section of the SAT--for Proboscis University, a highly competitive college, dedicated to sniffing out truth and knowledge. I certainly didn’t have any pull with anybody of importance there; for, the only person on campus my parents knew was one of the janitors. Oh, sure, he had the keys to the all the buildings on campus and, as such, could open the door of the admissions office for me in the literal sense but not the figurative. So, through a process of elimination, I can only assume that the way I filled out the application was the decisive factor.

  Although many students prefer the ease of using just one application--the common one--I must confess that, like Mitt Romney, the use of the word, common, turns me off. In the end, of course, the decision as to what application procedure to use is yours.

  I rarely, if ever, throw pearls before swine but today I’m going to make an exception and tell you exactly how I filled my application out and, hopefully, you, too, will be as successful as was I in gaining admission--if not to the college of your choice--at least to a college.

  If you’re wondering how many colleges you should apply to, I would say that three should be enough, unless, of course, your grades remotely resemble what mine were. In that case, if you can afford it, you may want to apply to a hundred or more. I would strongly advise you against ever applying to a college whose application fee is higher than its tuition.

  Since you want to make a good first impression, neatness in completing your application is essential. For that reason, never ever use crayons or a magic marker to fill it out. And don't ever mail out an application that has pizza stains on it--particularly if the pizza had garlic or onions on it.

  I’m going to skip over basics like your street address, city, or telephone number. If, by chance, you’ve forgotten any of them, you can always find them in the phone book under your name--unless, of course, you’ve forgotten that, too.

  On that part of the application that asks you to list your extra-curricular activities always put down at least two things you do after regular school hours; otherwise, the admissions people will think your too reclusive--ah, there's another word that could appear in the critical reading section of the SAT. The more unusual the activity, the better.

  Since I was a spelunker--no, not a lunkhead but a spelunker; you know, one of those guys who explore caves--my best friend, Sparky Watts, and I formed the Spelunker Club at school. It was a great success until that live wire, Sparky, got the bright idea of going down into the mouth of a volcano. What he didn't know at the time was that the volcano was active. Need I say more.

  Table tennis was the second activity I put down but here again I didn’t tell them that in one the matches I got hit on the head with a ping-pong ball, suffered a severe concussion, and haven't been in my right mind since.

  Although you should always tell the truth, don’t be afraid to stretch it a little and remember that what you don't say may be as important as what you do say. And never list more than three activities; otherwise they’ll think you’re a social butterfly.

  In answer to the question What recognition have you received for talent, leadership, or achievement? I wrote about an unusual accomplishment of mine in elementary school--namely that I was the only pupil ever to have gotten his driver’s license in the first grade.

  Since college admissions committees look favorably upon foreign travel, I made sure I put down that I had been to Syria and Iran. What I didn’t tell them, of course, was that the hijackers wouldn’t let me off the plane.

  With an academic record like mine the last thing you want to do is ask for financial aid. Besides, at PU where I applied and was accepted, eighty percent of the members of the faculty are on welfare. Because most of the financial aid goes to them, I chose, instead, to take part in their work-study program. I worked twenty hours a week as the president of the university. Unfortunately, during my tenure there, it lost its accreditation.

  When a college requests references, always give the names of those people who know you best--your mother and father. Avoid giving the names of scout masters; for, they all begin their recommendations with the same words--On his honor he will do his best to do his duty….

  Now let’s turn our attention to those tricky, essay questions. Below are some that appeared on my application and my answers to them. Let’s begin with What three books have you read this past year that have made a deep and lasting impression on you?

  The first book I chose was Brain Surgery Self-Taught With Pictures. I liked it because the author, Rip Crosscut, had to overcome a serious handicap--blindness. But overcome it he did, going on to become a successful brain surgeon.

  My second choice was Snow White. I’ve been struggling to finish it ever since kindergarten. It has so many characters that I had trouble keeping them straight. Before I read it, I thought there were only seven dwarfs but the truth is there are eight of them. Stumpy’s the eighth. He’s the shortest one of all. So short that most people overlook him; I sure as heck did. Still, for obvious reasons, Dopey’s my favorite.

  The third book I wrote down was One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. For some strange reason I find myself reading it over and over again. It’s probably because I can identify with the main cuckoo--I mean character. Of course, it always helps to have read the books you listed.

  Another one of those tricky--off-the-wall, as I like to call them--questions was If I handed you a telephone and let you talk to any living person, with whom would you talk? At first I was tempted to say “Wheel-Chair Willie”--you know, the daredevil who jumped over the Grand Canyon on a moped--but I had second thoughts about it because I didn’t want the admissions people to get the impression I was sexist. So, instead, I chose June “Granny” Roberts who sailed across the Atlantic Ocean on an inner tube.

  In answer to their question about an ethical dilemma I once faced, I wrote about the time I found a wallet. Because I needed money to buy some Twinkies, naturally I was reluctant to return it. But, in the end, my conscience compelled me to do the right thing. So, I dumped the wallet into the post-office mail box. What, of course, I didn't reveal was that I returned it without the money.

  When asked to discuss some issue of personal or national concern to me, I wrote about the time I got bit by a fox and the fox died and how that experience turned me into a staunch animal rights activist. I described driving down a busy highway on a summer morning and spotting a skunk with an empty jelly bottle on its head, wandering around in circles off to the side. I immediately pulled onto the shoulder of the road, parked my car, and got out.

  Holding my nose with one hand, I reached down wit
h the other, grasped the bottle, and yanked it. The bottle, thank heavens, came off but the force of the yank sent the skunk flying through the air. Fortunately, it went through the open window of a passing Good Humor Ice Cream truck and landed in the lap of the driver. Although the Good Humor Man was not, at that moment, in good humor, all's well that ends well.

  When asked what my career plans were, I answered that I was hoping to go to medical school and become a surgeon.

  But obviously with an academic record like mine, that goal wouldn’t have been realistic. So, my school counselor suggested that I consider becoming a butcher instead. She said they both involve working on carcasses but, unlike a doctor, a butcher doesn’t need a college degree. Besides, the animals are dead. If, on the other