Hayley's Journal

Hayley's Journal

  by Sonya White-Bujold

 

 

  copywright 2012 Sonya White-Bujold

  I could almost taste the freshly cut hay. It wasn’t from my father’s field, mom said he had blown all the money on liquor and then laid down with the flu. So our hay still stands high, the fields waiting for Papa to get back on his feet again.

  Mama just had another baby two days ago, a little boy this time. I am the oldest daughter of the now four children and I’m 12. I’ve heard people call us “Those poor, poor children” when we walk by. “We’re not poor.” Mama says “That’s hog wash ‘cause we’re rich cause God has provided us with a beautiful family and food on the table”. But I didn’t have any supper yesterday.

  Mama let me name the new baby boy. I called him Moses after that man in the Bible that split the sea in the middle. Mama said that was a good choice for a name ‘cause she doesn’t know of anyone else who could divide a sea in half. Papa said it was a foolish name and his only son would get teased all of his life. Then he banged his fist on the table and walked out of the house. Mama said Papa was under a lot of stress. I’m not sure what stress is but I wish Papa would see the doctor and get it fixed so maybe we could get the hay cut. Papa went on a trip, Mama said. She didn’t speak his name or even say a prayer for him. I saw some big black bruises on her arms and neck when she didn’t think I was peeking from behind the curtain.

  Papa didn’t come back.

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  Mama said I was a big girl now and I could take on more responsibilities around the house. And the hay needed to be cut so the horses would have food for the winter. That seemed strange to me. We needed to have hay to feed the horses so the horses could cut the hay.

  Moses was now one week old. He was bigger than my play doll, and he cried a lot more than her too. Sometimes at night when I would lay awake in my bed wondering if I should pray for Papa to come home or not, I could hear Moses crying and Mama in the room next to mine. Then of course my little sisters would wake up. Since Mama told me I had to take on more responsibilities, I would pretend we were playing house and I would be their Mama and sing them back to sleep. Lucille would ask for “Jesus Loves Me” and Mary Lou liked “How Much is that Doggy in the Window”. I really liked “Just a Closer Walk with Thee” but no one sang it to me.

  I knew what this morning would bring. Papa’s boots still weren’t by the door, so that meant Mama and I had to harness up the horses and get that hay cut, ‘cause Mama said it was going to rain soon. I don’t know how she knew that unless God told her. I heard her praying and crying this morning. I couldn’t hear what God was saying ‘cause Mama was crying so loud.

  Mama put a nice spread on the table. She said I would need to have a good meal to get lots of energy. I had warm milk, fresh Bessie our cow, two boiled eggs that Lucille and Mary Lou got from the hen house this morning, and I even had a crust of bread with molasses. My two sisters got the good bread, with no crust, but here was no molasses for them.

  We have Bessie, six hens, we had eight but Mama said two flew south last Christmas, a rooster I named Red and two working horses, Mama said the horses are older than her.

  Mama put Lucille and Mary Lou to work too. Lucille cried ‘cause she’s only six and Mary Lou wanted to play hopscotch, she’s seven. Mama made them carry water from the well. Seven trips, seven buckets each, to put in the big wash tub that would soon be overflowing. Mama knew how to harness up the horses. I had seen Papa do it many times but he always cursed and slapped the horses’ behinds. Mama was sweet and gentle with them and they seemed to like her. They were huge, overpowering animals but I got over my fear of them years ago, when I was eight. Papa had made me get on Sally’s back, she’s the biggest one, even after she had bucked me off the first time. Mama had to wrap my ankle ‘cause it turned black and blue and puffed up like a stove pipe. Maybe that’s what happened to Mama’s eye just the week before she had Moses. She had taken Sally for a ride. That’s it!

  Before Moses was born, Papa had said he didn’t want no more kids ‘cause Mama couldn’t give him a son. He said that after six times that was enough. But there were only the three of us then, so I was confused. That’s what I got for listening to Papa and Mama arguing and they did that a lot. Now, since Papa went on his far away trip, the nights were quiet, except for Moses. Moses didn’t like me much, whenever I would pick him up, he would cry that little quiver and shake all over. Mama said that new born babies only like their mothers, but someday he would love me. I couldn’t wait for that day to come. Lucy and Mary Lou loved me ‘cause I heard them talking one day, they were playing house. Then Papa had come and made them go tot the garden to hoe so I didn’t get to hear the end.

  Mama and I worked in the field until the sun got so hot it sucked every ounce of good out of my body. Mama’s hands were blistered and raw and I could see the tears running down her face. “Don’t cry, Mama,” I said to her, “we’ll get this hay cut and in the barn before the rain comes.” I knew that Mama had an older brother, Bill, who lived 50 miles from us. I never met him. Mama had told me once that Bill didn’t like Papa and vowed to never speak to her again if she married that man. Well she did marry Papa so she and her brother never spoke again. So I guess asking him for him with the fields was out of the question. Mama said she had heard that Bill went off to the war last year, and that was 1943. I didn’t want to see Mama cry anymore. She should be with Moses ‘cause he’s so little and he cries for her all the time. She shouldn’t be out in the field doing Papa’s work and getting blisters and sunburns.

  Lucy and Mary Lou carried their seven buckets of water like good little girls. Lucy had tripped and upset one of her buckets, I could hear Mary Lou laughing and making fun of her. She was laughing so hard she woke Moses, who was asleep in a box Mama had sitting on the porch. Sometimes those girls were so childish. Mama told them they had to finish their chores and then read to Moses until we were finished in the field. That went over well.

  We didn’t have ay friends, really. There were only ten of us in our one room school house. We didn’t play with most of those kids cause they were boys and they were always playing with sticks and balls. Our teach Miss Simpson was very nice, and she was our dearest neighbor. Sometimes she would bring us sandwiches with meat in them. Miss Simpson wouldn’t let us tell Mama about the sandwiches ‘cause she said Mama was a proud woman. I don’t know what that has to do with it, these sandwiches filled our bellies and they were good! Some of the other kids brought beans for their lunches. Then they would break wind all afternoon and Miss Simpson would put them in the corner. It was more than a month before school started again, Mama said. I couldn’t wait.

  I had to wrap Mama’s hands in cold cloths. Her blisters were big and ugly. She said it wasn’t the first time she had blisters and it wouldn’t be the last. We would have to finish the hay so there was no time to waste with bandages, she said. Then Mama buckled over with pain and she let out a God awful scream. “Mama!”, I cried “what’s wrong?” I could see Mama’s sunburned face go completely white.

  “Haley”, Mama told me calmly, “Go get some sheets from my room.” I did as Mama asked as always, without question. Mama put the sheets were the blood was coming from with within minutes they were soaked. “Tell Lucy and Mary Lou to go get Miss Simpson and the doctor.”

 
I was scared. Mama never asked for the doctor. Even last week when she had Moses, the only person in the room was Miss Simpson. I knew Mama had been in pain a lot that day too cause I had heard her scream before Papa told her to be quiet. Mama said we didn’t have money to pay for a doctor and she was a proud woman and she wouldn’t take any charity. So I did as I was told and sent the girls on their way to get Miss Simpson and the doctor. I told them to run cause was bleeding hard.

  On a good day, it would take 15 minutes to walk to Miss Simpson’s house. I knew that ‘cause I always carried my grandfathers pocket watch. I don’t know how far it was to the doctor’s house ‘cause I never met him. Maybe Miss Simpson would know. It seemed to take the girls hours and hours, even after I told them to run. Mama was laying on the bed and it was red and wet all around her. Moses was crying, of course. “Let me hold him, Haley” Mama said to me in a low whisper. I gave her the baby and she cooed him quietly back to sleep. Where were the girls and Miss Simpson? Mama was still bleeding and there was only one sheet left. I could have to strip my bed and use those blankets soon. Papa would be so mad. “I’m tired, Haley.” Mama held out her hand to me and I softly accepted it. “What’s happening, Mama?” I needed to know, but she just shook her had and closed her eyes as though to rest. “Mama!” I cried. “You’ll need to take on more responsibilities around the house, Haley. You’ll need to be a big girl now. Take care of your sisters and brother. I love you, my sweet.” Then Mama took a deep breath of our freshly cut hay to taste it, and slowly slipped away from me safely into the arms of Jesus.