Holding on Tighter, Page 24

  you’ve ever endured.”

  “The losing her was hard, yes. The living without her has been much harder. I’m afraid I haven’t done a very good job of it. I welcomed the numbness long ago. I gave up believing I’d have a tomorrow that mattered. I’ve taken jobs in the past with a high probability for death because I didn’t think my life mattered anymore. After seeing Callie and her son, I understand how my mother must have felt the moment she first held me. Suicide by terrorist or crime boss would have been an easy end to my pain and a horribly cruel way to add to hers. I would never do that now. And I don’t think my life will be complete until I experience what Thorpe and Sean did today for myself.”

  “Yeah.” She nodded, and he could see the million emotions on her face that neither of them had to speak.

  They both simply knew.

  “I’m not merely talking about having a child someday with some nameless woman. I’m talking about you. Us.” He raked a hand through his hair. “This is abrupt. I never expected this. I—”

  “Neither did I.” She stepped close. “I didn’t want this.”

  He paced in her direction, meeting her in the middle of the kitchen. “Nor did I. At all. You’ve changed my life so quickly and completely.”

  Jolie took the last step closer, then cupped his cheek. “Same. Even believing this is right, I’m scared to death.”

  “Because everything is so hectic with Betti now?”

  She shook her head. “Work will always be important. Even though Karis tried to tell me it isn’t life, that I should value people and relationships, I couldn’t fathom why or how until you.”

  “Are you worried I’ll hurt you?”

  “No, that I’m not ready. That I won’t do anything right.” She lowered her hand and drew in a shuddering breath. “That I’ll let you down.”

  “If you simply be yourself, you can’t.” He hesitated. “How could we have met less than a week ago and already be talking about the rest of our lives?”

  She bit her lip. Her brow wrinkled. Jolie did that when she thought, and he’d found watching her keen mind work somewhere between fascinating and endearing. Now he held his breath.

  “Maybe . . .” She shook her head. “Maybe we had to experience what we don’t want out of life to understand what we actually do.”

  She was right. It wasn’t the fact that he’d loved and lost that Heath lamented. Anna would always be a warm memory for him, and at the time he’d loved her dearly. It was the choices he’d made after her passing he truly regretted. It was the life he’d been living for the past six years he despised.

  “I’m scared to death, too,” he admitted.

  “That I can’t be what you need?”

  “You already are,” he assured. “I’m worried I won’t be there to protect you if something truly dangerous happens. I couldn’t bear to let you down.”

  “I have total faith in you.”

  Heath reached for her, cupped her shoulder, her face, sidling closer until he looked down into her eyes. “I intend to marry you.”

  A dry smile curled up the corner of her lips. “I never imagined I would be anyone’s wife. I didn’t understand why people settled down, spit kids out, bought a house in the ’burbs, and lived for the weekends. I realize now they’re not settling for mediocrity or following the herd. They’re sacrificing and compromising because they found someone who called to their soul and they had the courage to merge their lives in every way. The job and the commute, the soccer leagues and the PTA . . . It’s all part and parcel of what people do in order to live with the person they love and create the next generation together.” She frowned. “And wow, do I sound ridiculously profound. That was my long-winded way of saying yes.”

  They both stared at one another for timeless moments. They’d both agreed to something momentous that neither had seen coming. Heath wasn’t sure what to say, how to proceed.

  Jolie made the first move, launching herself against him, lips parted in welcome. Heath didn’t hesitate, thrusting his fingers in her hair and tugging back to take possession of her mouth like he intended to claim the rest of her. She tugged at his T-shirt. He pulled at her top. She kicked off her shoes. He struggled out of his combat boots. She grabbed at his zipper. He unflicked the hooks of her bra.

  His cock sprang free as he bared her breasts and broke their kiss to suck her nipple into his mouth with a desperate hunger he couldn’t hold back. Bloody hell, this was happening. His heart chugged like a train. Need thundered through him with a ground-shaking boom. Tenderness gathered and swelled around his heart.

  And nothing would stop him from making Jolie Quinn completely his and showing her just how well he could love her.

  As he kicked his jeans away, he shoved her pants down her hips, still teasing the stiff bud of her breast with his tongue, his teeth. Sucking her in, then releasing her. Her taste, her texture, her flavor . . . everything felt perfect to him. He’d made a living by his gut. He simply knew this was right.

  Jolie wriggled and kicked at her pants, stepping until she managed to work her way free. Then they were both blessedly naked, and Heath couldn’t wait another moment. He shoved her back until the island stopped them. In one movement, he lifted her, spread her, grabbed her hips, and penetrated her.

  “God, you feel so good.” He gave a primal groan as his bare flesh slid inside her. “I’ll spend every day and night giving you bliss, love. I’ll strip you bare, show you how much I want you and . . . Oh, fuck.”

  Heath melted as he plunged in again and lost his ability to speak.

  As she tilted her hips up, he took her thighs into the crooks of his arms and thrust again. Then he found a rhythm. Jolie leaned back on her hands and spread her legs wider, staring back as he claimed the woman who belonged to him in the most basic way.

  She looked beautiful, breasts thrust out at him, her mouth open in pleasure as she tightened on his cock.

  “More,” she whimpered. “Every time you touch me, I think this need will go away but . . . I only want you deeper, harder. I want you more.”

  He clamped onto her hips and pounded ferociously inside her.

  “I need this. I need you.” He panted, breaths sawing, heart chugging, blood churning. The moment felt so pure and raw and natural. “Jolie. Jolie . . . love.”

  She gave a hard, mewling cry. “So close. So . . . God, I’ve never ached so badly.” She keened out again, tightened, clamped. “Please . . .”

  “I’m not wearing a condom,” he reminded her.

  If they meant to take this crazy forever gamble, they would do it together with their eyes wide open.

  “I know.” Her eyes willed him to give her everything—the moment, the future. “I’m well aware.”

  “And you want this?”

  “Yes,” she cried.

  “You want this now? You want to share a life and a child and a home with me?”

  A week ago, Heath wouldn’t have believed he’d be uttering these words at all, much less holding his breath and hoping like hell that she’d say yes.

  “Everything. I want all of it. I want it now.”

  A vision of taking her hand in his as they spoke vows, as they brought life into the world, as they ended their days together exploded in his head. Yes. A million times yes. The electric need to make that future theirs now rolled through his brain, took root in his chest, and sent the direct impulse straight to his cock.

  The violent urge to mark her wouldn’t be denied. He buried his face in her neck and jackhammered deep inside her, feeling her tighten more with every thrust until he had to fight his way into her slick depths. But that didn’t stop him. Nothing would. He was going to do his best to plant his seed and let this woman—and the rest of the world know—they belonged to each other.

  Suddenly, Jolie gasped, tensed, then he felt her convulse around him with a throaty scream.

  That unraveled Heath entirely. For the first time in his life, he climaxed inside a woman without barriers, without an
y feeling except the profoundest desire to please her, share love, and make life.

  Last night, he’d believed himself to be happy. And he had been—in a way that amazed him to the core. Now he had a better understanding of what true happiness was, and he never intended to let her go.

  ***

  AFTER their searing, frenzied sex on the kitchen island, Heath found a pizza place that delivered until eleven P.M. When the steaming pie arrived, they ate out of the box, still mostly naked, not saying much that couldn’t be said through touches or smiles.

  With sated stomachs, they gathered their clothes and made their way to the bedroom. The room was mostly brown and utilitarian and it definitely looked like a man’s space. Just like the rest of the house, it had a relaxed vibe. Being here with Heath while completely bare in every way felt natural.

  The sheets had been stripped from the big mattress at some point, and they found a fresh set in a closet in the hallway. After making the bed, they fell into the cloud of blankets and rolled toward one another as if propelled by a gravity of their own.

  Heath’s lips found hers, his tongue sliding deep as he possessed her mouth. Their joining wasn’t the same urgent dash to completion as before but something thoughtful, deliberate—a lingering promise blooming with springlike newness, rooting love deeper in their hearts.

  After a hot shower, they crawled back into bed. Jolie curled against Heath, using his chest as a pillow. He cradled her in his arms.

  “When I took this job, I’d planned to use the couple of weeks I dedicated to this assignment and decide if I want to remain in Dallas or move elsewhere again. I had no idea you would change everything.”

  “I didn’t want to hire a security person. But the neighborhood burglar hit two doors down, plus I work enough late nights alone in the office that Karis convinced me I was putting myself at risk.” She propped her chin on her hands and peered at him. “When we first met, I was admittedly attracted.”

  “I was, as well, despite you being a real ballbuster.” He laughed. “Definitely not my usual type.”

  “You have a type?” It dismayed Jolie to think that she didn’t fit his mold.

  “That night you tracked me down in the bar, you pegged me right. I typically like the doe-eyed ones I could take care of.” He shrugged. “I’m a protector at heart, and you seemed to have everything together. I knew within ten seconds of meeting you that you’re the last woman who would ever stand about, looking to a man for answers.”

  “And that bothered you?” An anxiety she didn’t like needled her, but Heath couldn’t change himself to suit her any more than she could remake her psyche to please him.

  “To my surprise, no. Your independence intrigued me.” He cradled her head and stroked her hair. “You fascinated me, in fact. I love watching your mind work. I love that sometimes I know exactly what you’ll do. Other times, you’re completely unpredictable. You’re probably the smartest person in the room more often than not. And I appreciate the fact that you’re with me because you want to be with me, not because you find the real world difficult without my guidance. It’s unexpectedly sweeter.”

  A big smile spread across Jolie’s face, even as warmth seeped into every corner of her body. He saw her and understood. And he appreciated the parts of her that had scared away or turned off other men. “Good. I never imagined being the sort of woman who gave up any control to a man. I’ve seen how well that works out for my mother, in an endless cycle over and over.”

  “She chooses her husbands and lovers poorly.”

  “Every time.” Jolie nodded.

  “You’re not her. You could never be her.”

  “I’ve worked hard not to be,” she admitted. “In fact, I’ve never done a single romantically impulsive thing in my life . . . until you.”

  “I realize how much trust you’ve given me, love. You placed a great deal in me when you gave me control in the bedroom.” When she blushed, he smiled. “You liked it that first night.”

  “I loved it,” she admitted. “I juggle so many responsibilities and rarely think about my sex life beyond the one I can manage with my battery-operated boyfriend. I never thought I could handle surrendering in any capacity. But I can let go and know you’ll catch me.”

  “Always. It only works because we’ve developed trust.” He sighed and cupped his hands around her shoulders, urging her up his body. “I want you to know that I take nothing we’ve done tonight lightly.”

  “I know. I don’t, either.”

  “I’m not certain precisely where we’ll live next or what our lives will look like. But we’ll make decisions together.”

  Jolie nodded. “Totally. I’m glad I didn’t listen to my first instinct.”

  “Which was?”

  “Well . . .” She grinned. “When I met you, I thought you were one of the hunkiest men I’d ever laid eyes on. I almost didn’t hire you because I wanted to crawl over my desk and take your clothes off.”

  Heath let out a full-bodied laugh, which filled her with a mellow glow. “You hid your urges frighteningly well. I left that meeting certain that I had a job but worried you viewed me as useful, like an insect in a garden, but as appealing as pond scum.”

  “You’re definitely more appealing than that.” She winked. “Don’t you feel better now?”

  “Positively transformed.” He sobered then. “Actually, I am. Before you, I hadn’t moved on much after Anna’s death. You made me want to try harder at life, actually enjoy it again.”

  His words humbled her, and Jolie blinked away stinging tears. “When I reamed you out at the bar, I had no idea you’d lost a wife. I got to my car and read the report my sister had stupidly compiled about you. That’s when I found out you’d lost Anna. I felt terrible that I’d said anything about the way you dealt with your grief.”

  “But you were right; I wasn’t dealing with it. Not well. You challenged me to look at myself. I needed that.”

  “I’m so sorry my sister poked into your background. I didn’t read past the bullet points she put at the beginning. After I realized how deeply personal and intrusive it was, I forced myself to put away the rest. She spent hours compiling this report. There were pages . . .” Jolie wasn’t sure how to say this, so she just blurted the words. “I think she was particularly interested in figuring out who killed Anna and why. I don’t know why she thought she could put on her amateur sleuth hat and figure it out. Maybe because she devours mystery novels like they’re M&M’s.”

  “I wish she had.” He sighed, and for the longest time didn’t respond. Jolie winced and prepared to change the subject until he could discuss it with her without pain. Instead, he met it head-on. “That’s one reason I’ve found moving forward difficult. I worked for weeks after I buried her, and I discerned a Russian named Yuri Garbanov made the hit. He dabbled in weapons. Mostly a lone wolf, though word on the street was that he’d begun providing the hardware and muscle for a drug cartel taking over the posh parts of London and littering it with designer drugs. We British have very different feelings about guns than our American cousins.”

  “Our second amendment at work,” she quipped.

  “Indeed. So I hunted him down and . . . it didn’t end well for him. But the million dollar question is why. Why my wife? I knew of Garbanov when employed by MI5 but I had nothing to do with his investigation. One of my former peers, Kensforth, had responsibility for stopping his flow of guns into Britain, and the Russian proved all too slippery. Nothing went our way. Evidence even disappeared. So, despite no longer being employed by Her Majesty when I showed Garbanov his early grave, MI5 gratefully looked the other way. I tried to get the bastard to talk but . . . he knew he was a dead man either way and nothing I did to him could possibly be worse than the torture the drug lords would dish out. So I still have no idea why he targeted Anna.”

  “I’m sorry.” They were simple words. Jolie wished she had something more eloquent with which to soothe Heath. But her empathy was sincere. She followed it
up with a kiss. “I hope you get answers someday.”

  “Did your sister have any theories?”

  “Maybe. Like I said, I didn’t read it all.” She reached for her phone and scrolled through her e-mails, forwarding the file Karis had sent her earlier in the week. “You take a look. And please ignore any hearts, flowers, and inferences that you might be her Prince Charming.”

  “Of course,” he promised. “So now that we’ve cleared up our misconceptions and bared our souls, what shall we do tomorrow?”

  “I should really drag out my laptop and try to figure out my financial situation, finagle a few extra months of float until I can find a new investor . . . something. But I have this crazy idea.” She bit her lip. Would he think she’d gone completely batshit? Maybe she had. Still, this felt right. He’d mentioned this already, so . . .

  “Crazy? You may be the sanest person I know.” He tossed her a skeptical stare. “Tell me.”

  “How would you feel about a trip to Vegas tomorrow?”