Trade It All, Page 7

  “I want to be with you,” he said, his voice husky and deep. “Too much.” He let out a long, shaky breath and looked around. “I forgot that we’re not alone. You’re dangerous.”

  Dangerous? Willa had never been described that way. She was the careful one, the quiet one, the one people overlooked. She didn’t care who was watching or what they were thinking. She wanted to be the woman she saw in Lance’s eyes. “I want to be with you, too.”

  Lance shuddered. Willa thought he’d pull her back into his arms, but instead he took her hand again. “We need to walk.”

  Willa fell into step beside him. She tried to figure out what was holding him back. “I may be young, but I’ve been on my own for years. I’m not a child.”

  He’d stopped and pinned her down with those incredible dark eyes of his. “Are you a virgin?”

  “Yes,” she admitted, unable to lie to him.

  “Fuck,” he said and started walking again.

  Offended, Willa said, “It’s not a disease, you know.”

  He frowned as they walked hand in hand down the beach in the direction of his family’s house. “You’re Kenzi’s best friend. I can’t do this.”

  She’d pulled him to a stop. Not many of her friends had graduated with their virginity intact. Losing it had been a badge of honor to some. To others it had been an impulsive poor choice. Willa had always maintained that sex should wait until a woman was with someone she loved.

  “Because I’m a virgin? Okay, I’ll go to college, sleep with someone else, and we’ll try this again next summer.”

  His grip on her hand became painful. “Don’t.”

  “Don’t sleep with someone else?” she’d asked, hoping her prod was working.

  He took both of her shoulders in his hands and looked her directly in the eye. “Don’t push me to do something we’ll both regret. I’m trying to make the right choice here.”

  Rejection was a kick in the ass. Willa mustered her strength and held his gaze. “And what is the right choice?”

  He cupped a side of her face. “I don’t know. I can’t think when I’m with you.”

  “I know exactly what you mean,” she agreed. When he looked at her like that, there was nothing beyond him and how he made her feel.

  Willa’s phone rang, bringing her fully back to the present. She let the call ring through as she slowly extricated herself from the heady memories. Even after all the time that had passed, those memories had the power to make her heart pound and her body warm.

  Still in just her cotton panties and bra, Willa sat down on Lexi’s bed beside the mound of clothing she’d tried on. She silently repeated a mantra she’d used many times over the last decade. Forget. It only hurts when I let myself remember.

  Her phone rang again. Willa looked down at it and smiled sadly. Kenzi always knew when she needed her. It was a joke between Willa and Lexi that Kenzi had somehow tapped into their twin connection. “Good morning.”

  “It is a good morning. You not only have a job, but you’re also going to see Lance.”

  “I’m interested to see what’s in that journal.” She held back her true feelings. Willa was close enough to Kenzi to consider her like a sister, but Lance was a subject they’d always avoided. Kenzi had grown up in a family where people didn’t push for the truth. It had taken a long time before she’d felt comfortable enough with Willa and Lexi to even express when she was upset.

  Kenzi was changing, though. The more she spent with her fiancé, Dax, the blunter she became. Willa was still trying to decide how she felt about it.

  “That’s what you’re excited about today?” Kenzi asked with a hint of humor in her voice.

  Willa paced her bedroom restlessly. “And starting my new job.”

  “There isn’t anything else you want to talk about?”

  “Like what?”

  “Like Lance.”

  Willa froze. “What about him?”

  Kenzi sighed audibly. “Willa, it’s me. Do you really think I don’t know that you like my brother?”

  “Of course I like him. I like your whole family.”

  Kenzi was quiet for a moment, then she said, “Did you see Lance’s face when he thought you were going to meet Clay at his hotel? He wanted to forbid you to go.”

  Willa walked to her closet and absently began to sift through potential outfits. “Your brothers have always been overprotective.” It was true to a point. Kenzi’s brothers had always hovered over their sister, but they’d always carefully kept their distance from her friends.

  “Do you have health insurance?”

  Willa held up a modest, tan pantsuit and considered it. “Yes. I’ve kept coverage while job hunting. Why?”

  “Because I’m about to slap you into next Tuesday.”

  Willa’s jaw dropped open, and she replaced the suit. She was momentarily speechless in the face of Kenzi’s comment. In all the years they’d been friends, Kenzi had never spoken to her that way.

  Kenzi continued, “I’m sorry, Willa, but I’m done keeping my thoughts to myself in fear that people won’t like what I have to say. I won’t live like that again. I don’t care if you like my brother or not, but I do care that you won’t be honest with me about it. Tell everyone else that today isn’t important to you, but don’t lie to me.”

  Willa covered her face with one hand for a moment, then lowered it and said quietly, “I’ve been trying to decide what to wear for the last hour.”

  “Have you looked in Lexi’s closet?”

  Willa winced as her ego took another hit. For a long time, Willa had turned her back on everything Lexi represented. Somehow she’d lost a piece of herself when she did that. It was one thing to be shy, it was another to feel trapped by your own fears. She didn’t want to go back to who she was, but she also didn’t know how to move forward. She remembered a time, before their parents had died, when she’d felt as loved and lovable as Lexi. Losing them had shaken her, and somewhere along the way she’d lost her confidence. On the outside I’m just as beautiful as Lexi. How do I find my way back to feeling that way?

  I’m smart. At least smart enough to have gotten my degree. I’m hardworking. I’ve made my own money for as long as I can remember. On paper, I have my shit together.

  I wish I saw that person when I look in the mirror. “I did. Nothing feels right.”

  She waited for Kenzi to suggest she wear something from her designer wardrobe, but she didn’t. Instead she asked, “Have you tried mixing your styles?”

  Willa thought about the skirt she’d tried on that she’d liked. She took one of her favorite blouses out of her closet and smiled for the first time that day. “You’re a genius, Kenzi.”

  Kenzi chuckled. “No, I just know you. Both of you. I can’t wait to see what you choose. Will you send me a picture of it?”

  Not hanging up, Willa shrugged on the blouse then sprinted to her sister’s room, found the skirt she’d liked, and pulled it on as well. She looked at the huge pile of clothing on Lexi’s bed, then at the time on the clock beside it, and grimaced. I’ll put it all away before she gets back, but right now I’m out of time. She dug through Lexi’s closet for a pair of shoes with a moderate heel. She snapped a photo of herself and sent it to Kenzi. “What do you think?”

  “Perfect, but you have your hair done up like you’re a librarian.”

  “That’s how I always wear it. It stays out of my way.” Or does it help me hide better? Is Lexi right about that?

  “How about a looser knot?”

  Willa walked back into her bathroom and placed the phone down so she could undo her hair. She pulled it back, but let it drop when she didn’t like how it looked. She swept it up again, this time leaving a few wisps free around her face and secured it. She took a quick selfie and sent it to Kenzi.

  “You look awesome, Willa.”

  “Really?” On impulse, Willa applied a darker lipstick color than she normally wore. She also applied a hint more eyeliner. She sent one final pictur
e. “What about this?”

  “Oh, my God. Your eyes look fantastic. You should do them like that all the time.”

  Willa smiled down at the phone. She thought, Good friends accept you as you are; best friends do, too, but they will also kick your ass when you need it. No matter how lost you get, they are right there, showing you the way back. “Kenzi, all I’m doing is picking up a journal from your brother’s office.”

  “Promise me something?”

  “Depends on what it is.”

  “I don’t know what happened between you and Lance when we were younger, but none of us are who we were back then. Give yourself a chance to get to know who he is now.”

  Willa agreed to because not doing so would have opened a conversation she wasn’t ready to have. Kenzi was right about one thing, though, Willa wasn’t who she’d been at eighteen.

  I’m a hell of a lot wiser.

  I know now that sex doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. Sometimes it doesn’t mean anything at all.

  Lust and love are two very different things.

  And confusing them is a devastating mistake I won’t make again.

  Lance paced his office while waiting for Willa to arrive. He’d directed his secretary to buzz him the moment she arrived. Unable to concentrate on anything else, he’d called down to the building’s security desk and told them to call him when Willa arrived.

  He was on edge and had lain awake most of the night, planning exactly how he’d approach the subject of the past. His goal wasn’t to prove who had been right and who’d been wrong. If he played their meeting right he would finally have answers to questions that had plagued him for a decade.

  Then, hopefully, they could move past it.

  An image of her gasping with pleasure as he pounded into her filled his mind, overwhelmed his senses for a moment. He wanted her so badly he could practically taste her.

  This isn’t just about fucking her.

  Although that’s part of it.

  His hands clenched at his sides. He liked to think he was a better man than he’d been at twenty. His brothers had warned him that being with Kenzi’s friends would end badly, but back then how Willa made him feel was more important than who she was. He’d had ten years to regret letting his dick override his decision to respect her relationship with his family.

  I could have done everything better. I could have waited, gotten to know her. Who the hell knows where it might have gone? She shouldn’t have been a one-night stand.

  Not Willa.

  Over the years he’d witnessed her unwavering loyalty to his sister and his family. Her gentle heart made it impossible for anyone to not want the best for her. She had a gift of making everyone, even his often miserable family, feel better. Like him, she smoothed situations over rather than added drama. She was genuinely a good person. Someone who liked kids, animals, old people. Hell, he’d never seen her express a dislike of anyone.

  Besides me.

  I was a class A prick.

  Lance rubbed one hand roughly across his forehead and let the memories in.

  He was back in the guest cottage with her lying naked in his arms on the bed. Her head was on his shoulder and she was smiling, but he was losing his mind. He didn’t know if he should stay, leave, apologize, or just grab his pants and run. Not only had he just fucked his little sister’s best friend, but the condom had broken. That had never happened to him before. Of course, he hadn’t planned to have sex during a family vacation, so he’d used the emergency condom he’d tucked into his wallet years earlier. He wasn’t the type to impulsively jump into bed with women. He was a careful and considerate partner. It was something his college friends sometimes teased him about, but he knew that actions had consequences and sometimes they lasted a lifetime.

  He wanted to blame the beers he’d had with Andrew after Willa had gone up to the house with Kenzi and Lexi. He knew, though, that the slight buzz he’d had when Willa returned alone had been gone before they’d sought privacy in the guest house.

  The sex itself had been good. So fucking good he wanted her again. Had it been good for her? He hoped so. Despite how he’d felt, he’d tried to go slowly, be gentle. In the end, she’d wrapped herself around him and the sex had taken a wild, uncontrolled life of its own. They’d collapsed, sweaty and spent, onto the bed and only then had he realized the fragile nature of old latex.

  Fuck.

  He’d cleaned himself off and had been gathering his thoughts when she’d snuggled up against him. He knew he had to tell her, but she looked so happy, so damn innocent guilt twisted his gut. He turned onto his side so he was face to face with her. “Willa, what we just did was—”

  “Amazing,” she finished his sentence and caressed a side of his face with her hand. “I’m glad I waited. So glad my first time was with you.”

  There was a special place in hell waiting for him. Lance was sure. He cleared his throat and took her hand in his. “There’s something you need to know.”

  Her face crumpled. “Are you seeing someone?”

  “No. No. Nothing like that.”

  The smile returned to her face. “Sorry.” She pulled her hand free from his and wiped at her eyes. “I’m being an idiot.”

  “You’re not. Not at all.”

  “You’re just saying that to make me feel better. You’re like that—always making sure everyone is okay. Kenzi is lucky to have a brother like you.”

  There it was again, that trust in him he didn’t deserve. He remembered something his father had told him when he’d explained the facts of life to him. He hadn’t focused on the mechanics of it so much as the etiquette and responsibility of choosing to be sexually active. “If you’re not comfortable enough with someone to discuss contraception, you don’t know them well enough to sleep with.”

  Sound advice, Dad. But you left out the possibility of the male brain completely shutting down long enough to make a mistake like this.

  “Willa, I’m not good at talking about things like this, but—”

  A huge smile spread across her face. “I love you, too.”

  Lance sat straight up. “What?”

  She sat up next to him. “I think I’ve loved you since the first time I met you. I knew I was too young, but I’m not any more. We can be together now.”

  Oh, shit. It wasn’t that Lance didn’t like Willa. He did. But she was giving what they’d done an importance he hadn’t considered. In her eyes he saw a terrifying truth—she thought what they’d done meant they were in a relationship.

  Not a dating relationship. Not one with a trial period. No, she was all in. One hundred percent. Whatever he felt for her was overshadowed by panic.

  I’m not ready to love anyone. Not like that.

  And the broken condom? What if something comes from this?

  I can’t ask her to terminate a pregnancy if one happens. I don’t believe in abortions.

  Do I?

  If I don’t, and she gets pregnant, I’m fucked.

  Trapped.

  He stood up and grabbed his clothing from the floor. Once he had his pants on again and was buttoning up his shirt, he began to calm. By then, though, she’d had time to realize he hadn’t responded to her declaration. She was clutching a sheet to the front of her and her eyes were brimming with tears.

  Lance finished buttoning his shirt and sat on the edge of the bed. Instead of reaching for her, he faced away from her with his hands hanging between his knees and his shoulders slumped. “The condom broke, Willa. There’s something called a morning-after pill. I’m thinking you should take one. Unless you’re on birth control already . . .”

  Her hand touched his shoulder. “I’m not, but is that why you’re upset? It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not,” he snapped and cursed under his breath.

  Willa was quiet for several moments, then he heard her move to leave the bed. “I should go.”

  He turned and watched her hastily gather her clothing. She was crying. He stood, walk
ed over to her and reached out a hand to her. She moved away from him, refusing to look at him. He hated that he’d hurt her. He felt like he’d failed her.

  He wanted to tell her she’d misunderstood. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, too, and that it had been that way since he’d first met her. But that would have been a lie.

  He liked her.

  His body craved hers.

  But love?

  He didn’t know anything about love. He was still trying to figure himself and his career path out. He couldn’t add anyone else to that equation. Not yet.

  The best he could do was be honest with her. “I’m sorry, Willa.”

  She angrily adjusted her clothing and met his eyes. Her tone was angry and tears were pouring down her cheeks. “Don’t be. Now I can go to college unencumbered by my virginity. Really, you did me a favor.”

  He hated the idea of her with anyone else as much as he hated seeing her upset. He pulled her into his arms. “I’m an ass.”

  She struggled at first then stood there as he held her against him. He felt the tension rippling through her.

  He rested his chin on her forehead. “I don’t like the idea of you with anyone else.”

  She sniffed but refused to look up at him. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

  “It’s the truth. I’m freaking out on the inside, Willa. Maybe that makes me an awful person. I don’t know. I didn’t plan any of this. You deserve better.”

  She let out a shaky breath. “Do I?”

  Lance cursed his body for sending his blood rushing back to his dick. He didn’t want to want her right then. He wanted to find the words to make her feel better. Coherent thought was difficult, however, when his cock was jerking in his pants, begging to be freed. The feel of her against him, the scent of her, the lingering taste of her on his lips was almost too much for him to resist. He kissed her temple and murmured, “Can we start over? Spend the day together tomorrow?”

  Her eyes rose to his. “Like a date?”

  She looked hopeful, and he resented the way it made him feel. Guilt was a tool people used as leverage to control each other. He wasn’t looking for another situation where another person’s vulnerability essentially trapped him.