Trade It All

  During their drive earlier, Willa had noticed his aunt’s journal sticking out the side pocket of his computer bag. She’d asked if he still wanted her to read it and he’d said, “Yes.” Although he’d gone through it, he was curious what she’d think of it. He couldn’t imagine wanting to share anything so private with a woman he was sleeping with, but Willa was also a friend.

  She was on a very short list of people he trusted completely.

  He watched her expression turn from sympathy to disgust as she flipped through the pages. She paused just before the torn out pages and said, “What a horrible, horrible woman.”

  Lance couldn’t agree more. “I’m glad my mother moved away from her. I’ve gone to quite a few family events on her side of the family and thankfully her vileness doesn’t appear to be hereditary.”

  Willa nodded. “I met several of your cousins at the auction the night Asher proposed to Emily. They seemed like very nice people.”

  “Did you meet Alessandro and Victor? They’re not technically related to me, but you’d never know it. When I first met them, I thought they were loud and a little too inquisitive for my taste, but they’ve grown on me.”

  Willa turned back to an earlier portion of the journal. “I think your aunt slept with Victor then married his brother.”

  Lance frowned. “I don’t remember it saying that in there.”

  Flipping to another section of the journal, Willa nodded slowly as she reread. “She really disliked Victor. No woman hates a man like that unless she once loved him.”

  Lance tensed. He opened his mouth to ask, then shut it with a snap. Willa had said she’d once loved him. He didn’t want to imagine her ever feeling that way toward him.

  As if she’d heard his thoughts, Willa’s eyes flew up to his. “I never hated you. I wanted to. I told myself I did, but I didn’t.” She ran a hand over the open pages of the journal. “Not like this. Your aunt was sick.”

  “I’m—”

  “What do you think all the numbers mean?” Willa cut off his apology with her question.

  He took hold of one side of the book so they were both holding it above them. “Some are phone numbers. The country code is for Aruba.”

  “Which is where your parents were when Kenzi and Kent were born?”

  “Yes.”

  Willa shuddered against him. “The torn-out pages really bother me. She filled the rest of the book with hateful, awful thoughts. Doesn’t it make you wonder what she could have written that she considered bad enough to tear out?”

  “Enough that I called a couple of the phone numbers. They were either disconnected or belonged to people who’d never heard of my aunt. I felt like an idiot afterward. I don’t know what I expected to uncover. I’d ask my parents about it, but you know how well that would go.”

  “Can I see the journal again?” Willa flipped to the part of the journal where the pages were torn out. She read the section after it. “Isn’t it strange that she’s obsessed with your mother and the twins she was carrying right up until the missing pages. Then she doesn’t mention either again. In fact, it’s almost a year before she writes anything in the journal again. It’s creepy.” She looked back up at Lance.

  Lance took the journal and weighed it in his hand. “Do you remember the woman who came to my office and pretended to be my secretary?”

  “Yes.”

  “She said she was disappointed in my family’s lack of curiosity.”

  “That’s an odd thing to say.”

  “She implied there were scandalous secrets in this book. I read it. I can’t say I learned much more than that my aunt was troubled.”

  “That’s a kind way of saying it.”

  “Part of me wants to go to Aruba and see if any of these other numbers mean anything. Do you think that’s crazy?”

  “I don’t think it’s crazy at all.”

  “You know how much it would upset my family if they found out.”

  “Maybe it’s time to stop worrying about what they need and do something for yourself.”

  Lance inhaled deeply. Those same words, said by anyone else, might have sounded harsh, but they were a gentle prod from Willa. And a welcome one. “You’re right. I don’t like secrets. I prefer to deal with facts. You can’t make a decision based on half the information.”

  Willa laid her head back on Lance’s shoulder. “So, you’d want to know something, even if it was unpleasant and had happened a long time ago?”

  He kissed her forehead and cursed himself for bringing a somber expression to her eyes. Theirs was supposed to be a passionate weekend away. He closed his eyes and hugged her to him. “It’s too beautiful of a day to discuss this.”

  She sighed and relaxed against him. Having her tucked against him felt good. So damn good it was easy to forget everything beyond the feel of her skin against his, the soft tickle of her breath across his chest. He’d never let women sleep over at his place, but he didn’t look forward to leaving Willa at her apartment when they returned to Boston. Nothing had prepared him for how good simply being with her would be.

  Holy shit, she was fucking phenomenal. But that in itself was unsettling. Being with her felt like he’d just discovered his newest sports car had no brakes.

  The ride was a rush, but could it end in anything but a crash?

  It can if I do things differently this time.

  Better.

  I need to stop letting my dick make all the decisions. I wanted to take it slowly with her this time.

  That plan failed.

  But things are still good.

  He caressed her arm absently. His thoughts wandered from the heated images of how they’d enjoyed the shower that morning to how much he’d enjoyed walking around Provincetown with her. Maybe this is where we need to be for a while. Simply enjoying each other. We’ll figure everything else out when we come down from this high.

  There’s a solid plan B.

  “Lance?”

  “Hmm?” he answered lazily, simply enjoying the way she said his name.

  “Today was wonderful.”

  He turned onto his side so he was face to face with her. She looked happy and well loved. He soaked in that image of her, thinking he’d never seen her more beautiful. “I agree. I hate to go back.”

  Her expression turned serious, and she tucked an arm beneath her head. “There’s something I need to tell you before we go.”

  He gently tucked a loose curl behind her ear. “I’m listening.”

  She closed her eyes briefly as if gathering her strength, opened them again, and said, “I’ve held it in for so long, but I finally feel like I can say it. You’ve given me the strength to. There was a reason I took what happened between us so hard. It’s why I stayed angry long past when I should have been over it. I was—” She swallowed visibly. “I was—”

  He was about to reassure her that she could tell him anything when his phone rang. He ignored it, but it kept ringing. He swore and sent the call to voicemail before dropping the phone on the grass below the hammock. When he looked back at Willa, the hopeful expression on her face reminded him of the morning after they’d had sex all those years ago. Shit. He knew that expression.

  He thought he would have more time, but there it was.

  Love.

  Everything had gone to shit when she’d said, “I love you,” the first time.

  If she says it now, she’ll expect me to say it back. And I can’t. Not yet. Not if I’m honest.

  I have to stop her.

  Those three words were a death blow to early relationships. He’d seen it before with women who’d fallen for him. Even with Willa herself. There was no nice way to say, “I wish I felt the same.”

  There was also no coming back from being honest in that moment.

  I won’t lie to her.

  It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Willa. He did. But love. Holy shit. Love?

  He swung out of the hammock and only saved himself from falling flat on his fac
e at the last minute. He picked up his phone and made a show of checking who the message was from. “I’m sorry, Willa, but this is important.”

  “Okay,” she said, sitting up, surprised and a little disappointed.

  He played the message back. It was a courtesy call from his dentist office reminding him it was time to schedule a cleaning. He pretended to call the person back and nodded as if listening to someone speaking. “Of course. I can be back in Boston in an hour. No, you were right to call me.” He hung up and lied to Willa for the first time. He wasn’t proud of himself for doing it, but he’d been in this place with her before and messed it up. He’d told himself he wouldn’t hurt her this time, but he knew he would if he was honest with her. He wasn’t ready for more yet. “Emergency at the office. We should head back now.”

  She gathered her things and stood. “I hope it’s nothing serious.”

  “Nothing I can’t handle.” I hope.

  “So we’re leaving now?”

  “Looks that way. Sorry to end our trip so abruptly.”

  “Don’t even think about it. Things like this happen. Is there anything I can do to help?” She was so sincere, he felt awful.

  They walked together to the house. “No, this is my problem.”

  I brought us here—again

  Because ten years later, I’m still a dick.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Willa carried her overnight bag up the steps of her apartment building as Lance drove off. The most passionate night of her life had just ended on an oddly formal note she couldn’t understand. Lance had opened her door, retrieved her bag from his trunk, and given her a quick peck on the cheek before speeding away.

  A quick peck.

  He was either distracted by a serious situation at his office, or . . . she hated thinking about what else it could be. There were too many depressing options. He might be running off to another woman. He didn’t have the reputation of being a love-’em-and-leave-’em guy, but the way he’d dropped her off definitely felt like a drop and ditch.

  I’m being paranoid. He’ll handle whatever is going on at his office then call me. We’ll laugh about this.

  At her apartment door, Willa dug through her purse for her keys. Dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and an apron, Lexi opened the door while Willa was still searching. Lexi’s bright smile reminded Willa of how she’d felt before the awkward hour-long car ride home, during which Lance had kept the conversation as superficial as if they were strangers chatting while waiting on a train.

  “I ordered sushi, but you’re earlier than I thought you’d be.”

  Willa placed her bag just inside the door and her keys in the bowl on the table. “So, why the apron?”

  Leading the way into the living room, Lexi tossed her long hair over one shoulder. “It’s psychological. When you see me in this, doesn’t it make you feel like I cooked?”

  The haughty tone Lexi used sent a gurgle of laughter through Willa. “It makes me question your sanity.”

  “I bet I could do a cooking show. I look good in an apron.” Lexi struck a pose and Willa’s mood lightened. If anyone else had said it, they might have come across as full of themselves, but Lexi didn’t. She wasn’t bragging, she was embracing a possibility and approaching it with the overabundance of confidence she’d been born with. Her wink was her way of reminding Willa to not take what she was saying or herself too seriously. Really, it was difficult to do anything but smile when Lexi turned on the charm.

  “You do, Lexi. A cooking show, really? That’s new. Does that mean you’re no longer working at Poly-Shyn?” Willa quickly washed her hands in the kitchen sink, dried them, and headed over to the table.

  Lexi poured them both a glass of wine and sat down. “I’m still there, but you know me, I like to have a backup plan.”

  Willa sat down and kicked off her shoes beneath the table. She wasn’t a big drinker, but she needed one that night. “I hope I still have a job in Dax’s office.” She took a long sip.

  “Wait, you’re working for Dax now? What happened to taking the job with Clay?”

  Willa downed the rest of her glass and reached for the bottle to refill it. “It’s a long story.”

  The doorbell rang. Lexi paid the delivery man and began unpacking the food onto the table. “Put something in your stomach if you’re going to drink so fast. Then you can tell me everything.”

  Willa nodded and bit into a California roll. She chewed and swallowed before speaking. “I don’t know what I’m doing lately, Lexi. I used to have a clear plan; now I feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants toward I don’t know what. It’s scary.”

  “I’ve been there. That’s not a fun feeling, but you don’t ever need to be scared, Willa. If you stumble, I’ll always be here to help you back onto your feet.”

  For the first time in a long time Willa felt that she and Lexi were on the same side. Her eyes misted over. This was what she’d missed. She needed to make sure they made amends so they wouldn’t lose each other again. “I am so sorry about everything I said—”

  “It’s no big deal, Willa.”

  “Yes, it is. You were right to call me out on it. My way isn’t the better way. Hell, I don’t even know what my way is anymore. You’re fearless, while I’ve always been afraid.”

  “Fearless? Me? I’m a wreck on the inside. I just don’t let it stop me.”

  Willa took another gulp of her wine. “Every time I try to be that way I get hurt. Every time. I’m not you.”

  Lexi reached out and covered Willa’s hand with hers. “No, you’re not, you’re a better person than I am. You’re the most honest, loving person I’ve ever met. You genuinely want the best for everyone you meet. I don’t know a single person you don’t like. You see good in everyone. I wish I were like that. I wish I could love the way you do.”

  Willa turned her hand so she was gripping her sister’s. “And I wish I had your grit. Your quick wit. When you walk into a room, heads turn because you carry yourself with a confidence impossible not to envy. You can do anything you set your mind to and make it look easy. If something knocks you down, you get up and kick the shit out of it. I wish I had your fight.”

  “Maybe we both have it wrong—and right. I’ve spent half of my life trying to change you and the other half wishing I was more like you.”

  Willa gasped at how perfectly Lexi’s words described how she’d felt. “Yes.” She wiped a tear from her cheek. “I don’t want you to change, Lexi. I need my strong sister.”

  Lexi’s eyes teared up as well. “And I need you.” She sniffed loudly and used her napkin to dab at her tears before they ruined her makeup. “We also need to ease up on the wine, or I’m going to be bawling into my sushi, and I do not look good with puffy eyes.”

  Willa chuckled and released her hand. “We have that in common.”

  Between bites, Lexi said, “So, tell me how you went from working for Clay to working for Dax. Or skip to the good part, and tell me all about how you ended up hooking up with Lance. Spill.”

  Closing her hand around her napkin, Willa inwardly confronted a philosophy she’d had for so long it had become part of her identity. She thought if she could push things out of her thoughts, if she could deny them long enough, they would lose the power to hurt her. If that were true she wouldn’t be looking across the table at a sister she’d fought to hold on to but somehow ended up alienating anyway.

  It was time to borrow some of Lexi’s courage. “Lexi, I know you think that pretending to be me with Lance was why we fought that first semester at university.”

  “It was a stupid thing to do, Willa. I knew you liked him, and I wanted to make sure he was serious about you. I didn’t want you to connect with him if he wasn’t.”

  Willa took a deep breath and plowed forward. “I had already slept with him by the time you did that.”

  Lexi grimaced. “I sort of figured that out on my date with him. I didn’t expect the kiss, but wham there it was and I knew. That’s all that
ever happened between us, Willa—just that one kiss.”

  “I believe you.” And she did. Lexi had never lied to Willa. If she screwed up, she was the first to say she did and own up to it. It was in the remorse department that she’d sometimes struggled.

  Lexi chewed a corner of her acrylic nail. “I tried to tell you that back then, but you wouldn’t hear it. I was afraid you’d never forgive me. Then we started school, and instead of getting over it, you got angrier. I didn’t know what to do.”

  “I was pregnant.”

  “No . . .”

  “Yes.”

  “I would have known.”

  “I wasn’t that far along. I used a home test when I missed my period. I went to the school clinic to confirm it.”

  Suddenly pale, Lexi looked at a loss for what to say. She opened and closed her mouth a few times but no words came out.

  Deciding to go on and get it all out, Willa continued, “I was scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen or how it would change my life. Or if I was ready for anything to change. I wanted to tell Lance, but he was angry about the switch. He’d thought I’d asked you to stand in for me. I also couldn’t talk to Kenzi.”

  “And me?”

  Willa shrugged a shoulder sadly. “I blamed you. I see now how unfair that was. I wasn’t thinking straight. I looked into getting an abortion, but I couldn’t do it. I decided to keep the baby even if it meant dropping out of school. It wasn’t just any baby, it was Lance’s. I was ready to trade it all to have a piece of him in my life.”

  “That’s why you said no to all the parties I invited you to. I thought you didn’t want to be with me. But I don’t understand. What happened to the baby?”

  Blinking back tears, Willa said, “I lost it. You were out with friends when I miscarried.”

  Lexi blanched. “You could have called me. I would have been there for you.” As the news Willa had told her sunk in, Lexi’s face crumpled, and she brought a shaky hand up to her mouth. All bravado fell away and there was only raw remorse in her eyes. “I would have been there for you if I’d known, Willa.”