G-TRAX Devo's-Old Testament Snapshots: Jonah

Old Testament Snapshots

  Jonah: Whale Barf

  Ron Fast

  [email protected]

  Copyright 2007 by Ron Fast

  Intro

  Encounter with Bruno, the Killer Wienie Dog

  Imagine sitting in your house playing your Game Cube. You are minding your own business having a cool time making like you are out to conquer the world. You are invincible, no one can stop you. You are all powerful and anyone who gets in your way gets toasted.

  You’ve been playing for several hours but it seems like minutes. When you are playing video games you lose all track of time. You are in your own world with nothing to think about and no one to bother you.

  Suddenly you hear God’s voice coming out of the TV.

  God: Jonah, I want you to go to Plains, Montana and preach to them.

  Jonah: (Goes back to playing)

  G: Jonah, did you hear me?

  J: Alright, who are you and where are you hiding?

  G: Jonah, this is God.

  J: OK

  G: No, really, this is God.

  J: OK, why should I believe you?

  G: Ask me a question.

  J: How long is the universe?

  G: Do you want that in yards or meters?

  J: Meters.

  G: 1027 meters.

  J: Wow! OK. How many hairs are on my head?

  G: Oh, that’s easy – you don’t have that many.

  J: So, how many?

  G: 2,512.

  J: Is that it?

  G: Yep. Are you convinced?

  J: One more question.

  G: Shoot.

  J: What did I have for lunch?

  G: Two corn dogs, 3 carrots, 4 tortilla chips (pause) oh yeah, and a coke.

  J: OK, you are God.

  G: Now that I have your attention, I have a job for you to do.

  J: Oh yeah, what is that?

  G: I want you to go to Plains, Montana and preach to them.

  J: Say what?

  G: You heard me. I checked your hearing and there is nothing wrong with it.

  J: Why?

  G: They are wicked and I need to give them a message.

  J: What message is that?

  G: The need to turn from their ways.

  J: What are they doing wrong?

  G: I’m not sure I should tell you. . .

  J: Go ahead, I can take it.

  G: They are injecting frogs with red jello.

  J: No Way!

  G: Way!

  J: What happens to the frogs?

  G: They turn blue.

  J: You mean red?

  G: No, I mean blue.

  J: What’s wrong with that?

  G: They die!

  J: Oh, I can’t do that.

  G: Why not?

  J: My mom told me I can’t cross the street.

  G: But you’re four or err , , , 24.

  J: Why can’t you send someone else?

  G: Because I want you to do it.

  J: But I am allergic to traveling.

  G: You are not.

  J: In order to travel I would have to get a physical exam from my doctor.

  G: So why don’t you go and get the exam?

  J: Because he’ll say that I’m not doing enough exercising. But I really do a lot of aerobic exercising.

 

  G: So you call walking from the breakfast table to the TV exercise?

  J: Yeah, and I have to go to the bathroom. That’s upstairs.

  G: But look at your body.

  J: What’s wrong with it?

  G: What happened to your chest?

  J: It fell.

  G: How did that happen?

  J: I don’t know. I woke up with it that way one morning.

  G: Jonah, you are stalling.

  J: Sorry Lord, I don’t want to go. Those people are bad. They are horrible people. They inject little critters with red jello. So these little critters turn blue. It’s the most horrible thing you have ever seen. These people shouldn’t be allowed to live. I’ve reported them to the AACWABSRJ (Agency for Abused Critters Who Are Being Shot with Red Jello).

  G: Duh, that’s why I want you to go.

  J: Find someone else.

  G: Excuse me?! Don’t you remember who you are talking to?

  J: Sorry God, but I really don’t want to go.

  G: Jonah, if you don’t go, I’ll have Bruno eat you.

  J: Yeah, right!! Sure, uh-huh!!

  G: No really. If you don’t go, the dog will swallow you whole, but you won’t die. You’ll just sit in his stomach until you change your mind.

  J: But Bruno is a wiener dog?!?

  G: I’m God. I can do anything.

  J: That’s really gross. Do you realize what that dog eats?

  G: I know. It’s your choice.

  J: I’m not going.

  G: OK. You asked for it.

  Suddenly Bruno attacks Jonah and swallows him whole. GULP, . . . . . SWALLOW. . . . .BURP.

  J: It’s sooooo dark in here. Gross. What’s that smell? OHHHHH!! Sick. Bruno must have eaten a dead rat. I thought his breath was bad but his stomach smells a lot worse.

  J: What do I do now? I’m stuck inside Bruno. I can’t stay here forever. But I don’t want to talk to those people at Big Horn. They’ll kill me by injecting red jello into me.

  J: Okay, God. I give up. If you’ll get me out of here, I’ll do what you want me to do. .. . . . . Please!!

  G: Okay. Now you promised.

  J: Yeah, I know!!

  G: Okay, on the count of three Bruno will blow chunks. He’ll launch you.

  G: One . . . Two . . . Three

  Barf, gag, puke, ralph. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! SPLAT!!

  J: Boy it’s great to be back outside now. I’d better take a shower. I still smell like Bruno’s stomach.