The Hammer of Thor, Page 28

  yet, human? The smell of Grande Scrambler Burritos is making me sick.”

  I checked the invitation. The where line now said: PROCEED TO BRIDAL VEIL FALLS. YOU ONLY HAVE FIVE MINUTES.

  I read it twice just to make sure I wasn’t imagining it. I’d guessed correctly. Uncle Randolph really might have been trying to help me. Now we had a chance at smuggling in some godly wedding crashers.

  On the other hand, there was no avoiding the wedding now. I’d won a lottery in which the grand prize was a one-way trip into an evil earth giant’s lair of pickle jars, beer bottles, and death. I doubted he would even honor Sif’s coupon trophies.

  I showed the invitation to the goats and the girls.

  “So you were right,” Sam said. “Maybe Thor—”

  “Shh,” warned Alex. “From this point on, I think we should assume Loki is watching and listening.”

  That was another cheerful thought. The goats looked around as if Loki might be hiding nearby, possibly disguised as a grande burrito.

  “Yeah,” Marvin said, a little too loudly, “maybe Thor…would be sad, because there’s no way he could make it to Bridal Veil Falls with an assault team in only five minutes, since we just got this information now and are at a huge disadvantage. Bummer!”

  His subterfuge skills were almost as refined as Otis’s. I wondered if the two goats had matching trench coats, hats, and sunglasses.

  Otis gave his bells a jolly jingle. “We’d better hurry along to our deaths. Five minutes isn’t much time, even for Thor’s chariot. Hop aboard.”

  Hopping wasn’t possible for Sam and Alex in their wedding dresses. I had to pull them up, which neither of them enjoyed, judging from the muttering and cursing behind their veils.

  The goats took off at a full gallop…or whatever it is goats do. Canter? Trot? Strut? At the edge of the parking lot, the chariot went airborne. We jingled as we flew from the restaurant like Taco Claus’s sleigh, bringing Cheesy Gordita Crunches to all the good little boys and girls and giants.

  The goats picked up speed. We cut through a cloud bank at a thousand miles per hour, the cold mist slicking back my hair and wilting my shirt frills. I wished I had a veil like Sam and Alex, or at least some goggles. I wondered if Jack could make like a windshield wiper.

  Then, just as quickly, we began to descend. Below us spread the White Mountains—rolling gray ridges with veins of white where the snow clung to life in the crevices.

  Otis and Marvin dive-bombed one of the valleys, leaving my internal organs up in the clouds. Stanley the horse would have approved. Sam did not. She clutched the railing and muttered, “Minimums, guys. Watch your approach speed.”

  Alex snickered. “Don’t be a backseat pilot.”

  We landed in a forested ravine. The goats trotted onward, snow churning around the chariot wheels like thickening ice cream. Otis and Marvin didn’t seem to mind. They forged ahead, jingling and exhaling steam, pulling us deeper into the shadow of the mountains.

  I kept watching the ridges above us, hoping to spot some Aesir and einherjar hidden in the brush, ready to help should something go wrong. I would have loved to see the glint of T.J.’s bayonet or Halfborn’s painted berserker face, or hear a bit of Gaelic cursing from Mallory. But the woods seemed empty.

  I remembered what Utgard-Loki had said—that killing us and taking the Skofnung Sword would be much easier than letting us go through with the wedding plans.

  “Hey, guys…how do we know Thrym isn’t a fan of, uh, option one?”

  “He wouldn’t kill us,” Sam said. “Not unless he has to. He wants this marriage alliance with Loki, which means he needs me—I mean her, Samirah.” She pointed to Alex.

  Marvin tossed his horns as if trying to dislodge his bells. “You guys worried about an ambush? Don’t be. Wedding parties are guaranteed safe passage.”

  “True,” Otis said. “Though the giants could always kill us after the ceremony, I hope.”

  “You mean you guess,” Marvin said. “Not you hope.”

  “Hmm? Oh, right.”

  “Let’s be quiet now,” Marvin groused. “We don’t want to cause an avalanche.”

  The possibility of a spring avalanche seemed unlikely. There wasn’t that much snow on the sides of the mountains. Still, after all we’d been through, it would be pretty stupid to get buried under a ton of frozen debris in this snazzy tuxedo.

  Finally, the chariot drew up to a cliff face about ten stories tall. Sheets of ice glazed the rocks like a curtain of sugar. Underneath, the waterfall was slowly coming back to life, gurgling and shifting and pulsing with light.

  “Bridal Veil Falls,” Alex said. “I went ice climbing here a couple of times.”

  “But not in a wedding dress,” I guessed. (Or maybe I hoped. Otis had confused me.)

  “What do we do now?” Sam wondered.

  “Well, it’s been four minutes,” Marvin said. “We’re not late.”

  “Be a shame if we missed the doorway,” I said. (Pretty sure that was a hope.)

  Right on cue, the ground rumbled. The waterfall seemed to stretch, waking up from its winter sleep, sloughing off icy sheets that splintered and crashed into the stream below. The cliff face split right down the middle, and the water sluiced to either side, revealing the mouth of a large cave.

  From the darkness, a giantess emerged. She was about seven feet tall—petite for a giant. She wore a dress stitched entirely from white furs, which made me feel sad for the animals—polar bears, most likely—that had given their lives for it. The woman’s stark white hair was braided on either side of her face, and I kind of wished she had a veil, because, yikes. Her bulging eyes were the size of navel oranges. Her nose looked like it had been broken several times. When she grinned, her lips and teeth were stained black.

  “Hello, there!” She had the same gravelly voice I remembered from my dream. I involuntarily flinched, afraid she might swat my pickle jar.

  “I am Thrynga,” she continued, “princess of the earth giants, sister of Thrym, son of Thrym, son of Thrym! I am here to welcome my new sister-in-law.”

  Alex turned toward me. I couldn’t see her face, but the small creaking sound in her throat seemed to mean Abort! Abort!

  Sam curtseyed. She spoke in a higher-pitched tone than usual. “Thank you, Thrynga! My lady Samirah is delighted to be here. I am her maid of honor—”

  “Prudence,” I offered.

  Sam looked at me, her eye twitching above her bandit scarf. “Yes…Prudence. And this is—”

  Before she could take revenge by naming me Clarabelle or Horatio Q. Pantaloons, I said, “Magnus Chase! Son of Frey and carrier of the bride-price. Nice to meet you.”

  Thrynga licked her black-stained lips. Seriously, I wondered if she sucked on ballpoint pens in her spare time.

  “Ah, yes,” she said. “You are on the guest list, son of Frey. And that is the Skofnung Sword you bear? Very good. I will take that.”

  “Not until gifts are exchanged during the ceremony,” I said. “We want to observe tradition, don’t we?”

  Thrynga’s eyes flashed dangerously—and hungrily. “Of course. Tradition. And speaking of that…” From her polar-bear-fur sleeves, she produced a large stone paddle. I had a brief moment of terror, wondering if giants traditionally paddled their wedding guests.

  “You don’t mind if I do a quick security sweep?” Thrynga waved the wand over the goats. Then she inspected the chariot, and finally, us. “Good,” she said. “No Aesir in the vicinity.”

  “My therapist says Marvin has a god complex,” Otis volunteered. “But I don’t think that counts.”

  “Shut up, or I’ll destroy you,” Marvin grumbled.

  Thrynga frowned as she studied our chariot. “This vehicle looks familiar. It even smells familiar.”

  “Well, you know,” I said, “lords and ladies often ride chariots to their weddings. This is a rental.”

  “Hmmm.” Thrynga pulled at the white whiskers on her chin. “I suppose…” She glan
ced again at the Skofnung Sword on my back, a greedy gleam in her eyes. She motioned toward the cave entrance. “This way, little humans.”

  I didn’t think it was fair of her to call us little. She was just a petite seven-footer herself, after all. She loped into the cavern and our goats followed, pulling the chariot straight through the middle of the broken waterfall.

  The tunnel was smooth-bored and barely wide enough for our wheels. Ice coated the floor, which sloped downward at such a perilous angle I was afraid Otis and Marvin would slip and drag us to oblivion. Thrynga, however, seemed to have no problem keeping her footing.

  We were about fifty feet into the tunnel when I heard the cave entrance closing behind us.

  “Hey, Thrynga,” I said, “shouldn’t we leave that waterfall open? How will we get out after the ceremony?”

  The giantess gave me an inky grin. “Get out? Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. Besides, we have to keep the entrance closed and the tunnel moving around. We wouldn’t want anyone interfering with the happy day, would we?”

  Sweat soaked the collar of my tuxedo. How long had that tunnel entrance remained open after we passed through—a minute? Two minutes? Had Thor and his team been able to get inside? Had they been there at all? I heard nothing behind us, not even a discreet fart, so it was impossible to know.

  My eyes felt jumpy in their sockets. My fingers twitched. I wanted to talk to Alex and Sam, to come up with some contingency plans in case things went wrong, but I couldn’t do that with the white giantess Thrynga right in front of us.

  As the giantess walked, she produced a chestnut from a pocket of her dress. She began absently tossing the nut into the air and catching it. This seemed like an odd lucky charm for a giant. Then again, I had a runestone that turned into a sword, so I shouldn’t criticize.

  The air got colder and thicker. The stone ceiling seemed to press down on us. I felt like we were sliding sideways, but I wasn’t sure if that was the wheels on the ice, or the tunnel shifting through the earth, or my spleen banging on the side of my body, trying to get out.

  “How far down does this tunnel go?” My voice echoed off the rock walls.

  Thrynga chuckled, turning her chestnut in her fingers. “Scared of deep places, son of Frey? Not to worry. We’re only going a bit farther. Of course, the road itself goes all the way to Helheim. Most subterranean passages do, eventually.”

  She paused to show me the bottom of her shoes, which were studded with iron spikes. “Giants and goats are best suited for such a road. You small ones would lose your footing and slide all the way to the Wall of Corpses. We can’t have that.”

  For once, I agreed with the giantess.

  The chariot rolled on. The smell of its flower garlands turned sweeter and cooler, reminding me of the funeral home where my mortal body had been displayed in a casket. I hoped I wouldn’t have to have a second funeral. If I did, I wondered if I would be buried next to myself.

  Thrynga’s idea of “a bit farther” was four more hours of traveling. The goats didn’t seem to mind, but I was going crazy with cold, anxiety, and boredom. I’d only had one cup of coffee and a few frowny pieces of doughnut at Sif’s palace that morning. Now I felt hungry and strung out. I’d been reduced to an empty stomach, frayed nerves, and a full bladder. We saw no service stations or rest stops along the road. Not even a friendly bush. The girls must have also been suffering. They kept shifting from foot to foot and bouncing on their heels.

  Finally, we reached a split in the tunnel. The main road continued down into the icy dark. But to the right, a short path dead-ended at a set of iron-studded oak doors with knockers fashioned like dragon heads.

  The welcome mat read BLESS THIS CAVE!

  Thrynga grinned. “We are here, little ones. I hope you’re excited.”

  She pushed open the doors and our chariot rolled through…right into the barroom from Cheers.

  Thrym!

  SUDDENLY, TAKING the road to Helheim didn’t sound so bad.

  No wonder Thrym’s lair had seemed so familiar to me when I saw it through the pickle jar glass in my dream. The place was a near perfect replica of the Bull & Finch Pub, the inspiration for the old TV show Cheers.

  Because it was across from the Public Garden, I’d been to the pub a few times when I was homeless—to get warm on a bitter winter’s day or beg a hamburger from the patrons. The place was always full and rowdy, and somehow it made perfect sense to me that there would be an earth-giant equivalent.

  As we rolled in, a dozen giants at the bar turned in our direction and raised their mead glasses. “Samirah!” they cried in unison.

  More giants crowded the tables and booths, eating burgers and swilling down mead.

  Most of the patrons were a bit larger than Thrynga. They were dressed in a riot of tuxedo pieces, fur, and armor that made my own outfit look positively understated.

  I scanned the room but saw no sign of Loki or my Uncle Randolph. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or worried. At the far end of the bar, on a simple wooden throne under the big-screen TV, sat the earth giant king himself: Thrym, son of Thrym, son of Thrym.

  “At last!” he bellowed in his walrus voice.

  The king rose unsteadily. He bore such an uncanny resemblance to Norm from the TV show I wondered if he got paid residuals. His body was perfectly round, stuffed into black polyester pants and a red T-shirt with a wide black tie. Fuzzy dark hair framed his moon face. He was the first giant I’d ever seen without facial hair, and I really wished he would grow some. His mouth was wet and pink. His chin was pretty much nonexistent. His voracious eyes fixed on Alex as if she were a luscious plate of cheeseburgers.

  “My queen has arrived!” Thrym patted his ample belly. “We can begin the festivities!”

  “Brother, you haven’t even gotten changed yet!” yelled Thrynga. “And why is this place so filthy? I told you to clean up while I was gone!”

  Thrym frowned. “What do you mean? We did clean up. We put on ties!”

  “Ties!” yelled the crowd of giants.

  “You worthless scoundrels!” Thrynga picked up the nearest stool and cracked it over the head of a random giant, who collapsed in a heap. “Turn off the television. Clean that counter! Sweep that floor! Wipe your faces!”

  She wheeled on us. “Sorry about these idiots. I’ll get them ready in no time.”

  “Yeah, that’s fine,” I said, dancing the I-need-to-pee dance. “Actually—restrooms?”

  “Right down the hall there.” Thrynga pointed. “Leave the chariot. I’ll make sure no one eats your goats.”

  I helped Sam and Alex out of the chariot and we shuffled through the chaos, dodging mops and brooms and smelly giants while Thrynga moved through the crowd, shouting at her patrons to get ready for today’s happy occasion quickly or she would rip their heads off.

  The restrooms were located in the back, just where they would’ve been at Cheers. Fortunately, the area was empty except for one giant who was passed out and snoring in a corner booth, his face resting on a platter of nachos.

  “I’m confused,” Alex said. “Why is this Cheers?”

  “A lot of elements bleed through from Boston to the other worlds,” Sam said.

  “Like Nidavellir looks like Southie,” I said. “And Alfheim looks like Wellesley.”

  Alex shuddered. “Yeah, but I have to get married in Cheers?”

  “Talk later,” I said. “Pee now.”

  “Yep,” the girls said in unison.

  Being a guy and not burdened by a wedding dress, I finished first. A few minutes later the girls reappeared, a tail of toilet paper trailing from the hem of Alex’s gown. I doubted any of the giants would’ve noticed or cared, but Sam removed it for her.

  “You think our friends made it inside?” I asked.

  “I hope so,” Alex said. “I’m so nervous I—URF!”

  That last syllable sounded like a bear choking on a Tootsie Roll. I checked the corner booth to make sure the giant hadn’t heard it. He
just muttered in his sleep and turned his head on his corn-chip pillow.

  Sam patted Alex’s shoulder. “It’s okay.” She faced me. “Alex turned into a gorilla in the bathroom. She’ll be fine.”

  “She what?”

  “It happens,” Sam said. “With shape-shifters, if you get nervous and lose focus—”

  Alex belched. “I’m better. I think I’m back to human now. Wait…” She shimmied in her dress like she was trying to dislodge a pebble. “Yeah. All good.”

  I didn’t know if she was being serious or not. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. “Alex, if you accidentally change shape while you’re out there among the giants—”

  “I won’t,” she promised.

  “Just keep silent,” Sam told her. “You’re supposed to be the shy blushing bride. I’ll do the talking. Follow my lead. We’ll stall as long as possible, hopefully give Th—our friends enough time to get in position.”

  “But where is Loki?” I asked. “And my uncle?”

  Sam got quiet. “Not sure. But we have to keep our eyes peeled. Once we see the ham—”

  “There you are!” Thrynga emerged from the hallway. “We’re ready for you now.”

  “Of course!” Sam said. “We were just, um, talking about how much we love ham. I hope there’s ham at the feast!”

  I winked at her like, Smooth. Otis-level smooth.

  Thrynga ushered us back into the bar. Judging from the smell, someone had sprayed a copious amount of lemon Pledge. Most of the broken glass and food droppings had been swept from the floor. The TV was off, and all the giants were standing against the far wall in a line—their hair combed, their ties straightened, their shirts tucked in.

  In unison, they chanted, “Good afternoon, Miss Samirah.”

  Alex curtseyed.

  The real Samirah said, “Good afternoon, uh, class. My lady Samirah is too overwhelmed to speak, but she is very happy to be here.”

  Alex brayed like a donkey. The giants glanced uncertainly at Thrynga for etiquette tips.

  King Thrym frowned. He’d put on a black tux jacket with a pink carnation pinned to the lapel, which made him look slightly more elegantly ugly. “Why does my bride sound like a donkey?”

  “She is crying with joy,” Sam said quickly, “because she has finally seen her handsome husband!”

  “Hmm.” Thrym ran a finger down his many chins. “That makes sense. Come, sweet Samirah! Sit by me, and we will begin the feast!”

  Alex took the chair next to Thrym’s throne. Thrynga flanked her brother like a bodyguard, so Sam and I stood on the other side of Alex and tried to look official. Our job seemed to consist mostly of not eating, swatting aside the occasional mead mug that accidentally flew in Alex’s direction, and listening to our stomachs growl.

  The first course was nachos. What was it with giants and nachos?

  Thrynga kept grinning at me and eyeing the Skofnung Sword, which was still strapped to my back. It was clear that she coveted the blade. I wondered if anyone had told her it couldn’t be drawn in the presence of women. I assumed giantesses counted as women. I didn’t know what would happen if somebody tried to unsheathe Skofnung despite its restrictions, but I doubted it would be good.

  Try it, Jack’s voice hummed in my mind like he was having a pleasant dream. Oh, man, she’s so fine.

  Go back to sleep, Jack, I told him.

  The giants laughed and shoveled down nachos, though they kept one eye on Thrynga as if making sure she wasn’t going to smash them with a barstool for bad behavior. Otis and Marvin stood in their harnesses right where we’d left them. Occasionally a stray nacho flew in their direction, and one of the goats would snatch it out of the air.

  Thrym did his best to chat up Alex. She shied away and said nothing. Just to be polite, she snuck an occasional tortilla chip under her veil.

  “She eats so little!” Thrym worried. “Is she all right?”

  “Oh, yes,” Sam said. “She’s too excited to have much of an appetite, Your Majesty.”

  “Hmm.” Thrym shrugged. “Well, at least I know she isn’t Thor!”

  “Of course not!” Sam’s voice went up an octave. “Why would you think that?”

  “Ages ago, when Thor’s hammer was first stolen by my grandfather—”