Frivolities, Especially Addressed to Those Who Are Tired of Being Serious

  Produced by Charles Bowen, from page scans provided byGoogle Books (Oxford University)

  Transcriber's Notes:

  1. Page scan source: https://books.google.com/books?id=bUAPAAAAQAAJ&dq (Oxford University)

  2. The diphthong oe is represented by [oe].

  FRIVOLITIES

  _BY THE SAME AUTHOR_

  * * *

  TOM OSSINGTON'S GHOST.

  _Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d_.

  With Illustrations by Harold Piffard

  * * *

  _Truth_: "I read _Tom Ossington's Ghost_ the other night and wasafraid to go upstairs In the dark after it."

  _To-Day_: "An entrancing book, but people with weak nerves had betternot read it at night."

  _The World_: "Mr. Marsh has been Inspired by an entirely originalidea, and has worked it out with great ingenuity. We like the weird,but _not_ repulsive story better than anything he has ever done."

  _Sketch_: "Opens with a singularly dramatic and exciting situation,and the interest thus at once aroused is sustained steadily to theclose."

  _Star_: "A thrilling ghost story. The writing is vigorous anddramatic."

  _Weekly Times and Echo_: "A capital story. ALL sorts of readers willenjoy _Tom Ossington's Ghost_."

  _Manchester Guardian_: "A ghost to be a success must be able to leavean impression of indefinable terror in those whom it haunts.It should, in a word, 'give them the creeps,' and bad ones. _TomOssington_ was completely successful in this."

  FRIVOLITIES

  ESPECIALLY ADDRESSED TO THOSE WHO ARE TIRED OF BEING SERIOUS

  BY

  RICHARD MARSH

  AUTHOR OF

  "TOM OSSINGTON'S GHOST," "CURIOS: SOME STRANGE ADVENTURES OF TWO BACHELORS," "THE BEETLE: A MYSTERY," ETC.

  LONDON

  JAMES BOWDEN

  10 HENRIETTA STREET, COVENT GARDEN, W.C.

  1899

  CONTENTS

  The Purse which was Found.

  For One Night Only.

  Returning a Verdict.

  The Chancellor's Ward.

  A Honeymoon Trip.

  The Burglar's Blunder.

  Ninepence.

  A Battlefield up-to-Date.

  Mr. Harland's Pupils.

  A Burglar Alarm.

  A Lesson in Sculling.

  Outside.

  FRIVOLITIES

  The purse which was found

  I.

  The first applicant arrived just as I was sitting down to breakfast. Iwent out to him in the hall at once. He was tall, thin, and distinctlyseedy.

  "I have called with reference to the advertisement of the purse whichwas found." I bowed. He seemed to hesitate. "I have lost a purse." Helooked as if he had--long years ago. "I have reason to believe that itis my purse which you have found. I shall be happy to hand you thecost of your advertisement on your returning me my property."

  "When did you lose it?"

  My question seemed to escape his notice.

  "I am a clergyman in the Orders of the Church of England, and theinscrutable laws of the Divine Benevolence have placed me in aposition which makes such a loss a matter of cardinal importance."

  "Where did you lose it?"

  "In town, sir--in town."

  "In what part of town?"

  "In the west, sir--in the west."

  "Do you mean in the western postal district?"

  "My topographical knowledge of this great city is scarcely sufficientto enable me to enter into such minutiae." He assumed an air of candourwhich ill became him. "I will be frank with you. I do not know where Ilost it. The shock of the loss was so great as to make of my mind a_tabula rasa_. I have an appointment at some distance from here inless than half an hour. Might I ask you to give me my property withoutany unnecessary delay?"

  "With pleasure, on your describing it."

  "Unfortunately there again you have me at a disadvantage. The pursewas my daughter's, lent to me only for the day. I have not preserved asufficiently clear mental picture to enable me to furnish you with anadequate description."

  "But your daughter can?"

  "Precisely, if she were in town. But she is not in town. And it is ofparamount importance that I should at once regain possession of theproperty. If you will allow me to look at it I shall be able to tellat a glance if it is mine."

  "I am afraid that I must request you to describe the purse lost beforeI show you the one I found."

  He drew himself up.

  "I trust, sir, that your words are not intended to convey areflection?"

  "Not at all. Only, as I have not breakfasted, and you have anappointment to keep, it might be as well if you were at once tocommunicate with your daughter, and request her to favour you with thenecessary description."

  "Excuse me, sir, but you mistake your man. I am a gentleman, sir, likeyou--a university man, sir. I came here to regain possession of myproperty; you are in possession of that property; until you return itto me I do not intend to quit this house." As he had suddenly raisedhis voice, and evinced symptoms of raising it higher, I opened thefront door by way of a hint. On the doorstep stood one of theunemployed, the remnant of a woollen muffler twisted round his neck.

  "Beg pardon, guv'nor, I've come for my purse."

  "What purse?"

  "You know very well what purse--the purse what's advertised. You handit over to me, and I'm game to pay all costs. It's mine. I lost it."

  "Describe the one you had the misfortune to lose."

  "It was a leather purse."

  "Then that is not the purse I found."

  "Shammy leather, I mean."

  "Nor is it shammy leather."

  "Covered with sealskin outside."

  "Nor is it covered with sealskin outside."

  "Just you take and let me have a look at it. I'll soon tell you ifit's mine."

  "Before the purse is shown to any claimant he must satisfactorilydescribe it."

  "Very well; that's all about it. If it ain't mine, it ain't mine. Youneedn't be nasty."

  "I have no intention of being nasty."

  "Then don't be. Because a pore feller loses his purse he don't need tobe trampled on. You can be pore but honest."

  With the utterance of this trite and, possibly, admirable observationthe man strolled off, with his hands in his pockets. My clericalfriend, who had lingered in the hall, endeavoured to take me by thebutton-hole. He addressed me in a confidential whisper.

  "Pardon me, sir, but circumstances over which I have no control havetemporarily crippled my resources. Since, from motives which Iunderstand, and which I honour, sir, you prefer to continue to be thecustodian of my family property, might I with confidence ask you tooblige me with a small loan till I am able to place myself incommunication with my daughter?"

  "You might not."

  "I fear that I am already late for my appointment. The only way toreach it in time will be to take a cab. May I, at least, ask you toenable me
to pay the fare?"

  "You may not."

  He sighed.

  "I believe you said you had not breakfasted? Neither, sir, have I. Youwill hardly believe it, but it is a positive fact that I, a clergyman,a master of arts of my university, have not tasted food for more thanfour-and-twenty hours. If, sir, you will suffer me, a humble stranger,to join you at your morning meal----"

  "Good-day, sir."

  He sighed again. Then, putting his hand up to his mouth, he asked, ina sepulchral whisper:

  "Will you lend me sixpence?"

  "I won't--not one farthing."

  Then he went, shaking his head as he passed down the steps, as if theburden of this world pressed on him more weightily than ever. He wasstill descending the steps when a cab dashed up, from the interior ofwhich an elderly gentleman flourished an umbrella.

  II.

  "Hi! Is this 25, Bangley Gardens, where they advertise that a pursewas found?"

  I admitted that it was.

  "Was it found in Regent Street on Wednesday afternoon--silver monogram'E. L. T.'--containing between nine and ten pounds in silver andgold?"

  I said that it was not.

  "Sorry to have troubled you. Throgmorton Street, driver. Push along."

  I was closing the door when I was hailed by a woman, who remainedstanding at the foot of the steps. She was a young woman, evidently ofthe artisan class. She wore an air of depression, and carried a babyin her arms.

  "Was the purse which was found mine, sir?"

  "What was yours like?"

  "I lost it in the Mile End Road on Saturday night, sir. My husband'swages was in it--twenty-four and sixpence. He see the advertisement inthe paper, and sent me round to see. Leather it was--leastways,imitation--red, and the clasp was broken."

  "I am sorry to say that your description bears no kind of resemblanceto the one which is in my possession."

  She looked at me for a moment, scrutinizingly, as if desirous oflearning if what I said was credible; then, without another word,moved off.

  I had succeeded in closing the door just as there came another rapupon the knocker. I reopened it, to find myself confronted by anotherof the unemployed.

  "I ask your pardon, guv'nor, but seeing an advertisement about a purseas was found, I thought I'd just come round to see if it might happento be mine. Mine wasn't a leather purse, nor yet it wasn't a shammyleather, nor yet it wasn't one of them sealskin kind of things."

  As soon as he said that I suspected that this was a friend of theother unemployed, from whom he had recently gathered certain data.

  "Mine was more one of them sort of bag kind."

  "What bag kind?"

  "Well----" He fixed me with his gaze. If he had been acquainted with thefact that images are photographed upon our eyes, I might havesuspected him of an intent to decipher the image of the purse in mine."Was this here purse you found tied round the top?"

  "Was yours?"

  He read the answer in my eyes.

  "No, I can't say as how mine was; but I thought as how this here oneyou found might have been--some purses are, you know."

  Unless I erred he was endeavouring to consider what sort of purse thatpurse might be, his knowledge of the varieties of that article beinglimited. He taxed my patience.

  "If you have lost a purse, my man, be so good as to describe itwithout delay. I can't stop here all the morning."

  "Well, as I was a-saying, it was one of them sort of bag kind."

  "Then it's not the one I found."

  Without more ado I slammed the door in his face. I went in tobreakfast. As I was sitting down there came a single knock. Saundersturned to leave the room to answer it.

  "One moment, Saunders. I don't know if I mentioned to you that, theday before yesterday, I found a purse?"

  "No, sir."

  "Well, I did, and I'm beginning to wish that I hadn't. I've insertedan advertisement in to-day's papers to the effect that the owner mayhave it on applying to me. I've had five applicants within fiveminutes--three of them rank impostors. I'm rather inclined to thinkthat the person who has just knocked is one of them come back again. Idoubt if he ever had a purse in his life--he certainly never had theone I've found. Tell him if he doesn't take himself away at once I'llsend for the police."

  Saunders vanished. There was the sound of voices--one of thembelonging to Saunders, the other, undoubtedly, to that member of theunemployed. He seemed to be shouting at Saunders, and Saunders, in adignified way, seemed to be shouting back at him. Presently there wasa lull. Saunders reappeared.

  "Well, has the fellow gone?"

  "No, sir. And he says he isn't going."

  "Did you give him to understand that I should send for the police?"

  "He says he should like to see you send for the police. He says thatthe police will soon show you if you can rob a poor man of his purse.He's a most impudent fellow. As for the purse which you found beinghis, sir, I don't believe he knows what a purse is. He's a regularvagabond!"

  "I quite agree with you, Saunders--quite! That is my opinion of theman precisely."

  "There are five other persons who wish to see you. Three of them havecards, and two of them haven't."

  He held out three cards on a waiter, taking my breath away.

  "Five, Saunders! Where are these people?"

  "In the hall, sir."

  "I won't see anyone till I've had my breakfast. I'm not going to haveall my habits disarranged simply because I happen to have found apurse. I ought to have stated that no applications were to be madetill after twelve; I never dreamt that people would have come at thistime of day. Show the people with the cards into the drawing-room, andleave the others in the hall. And, Saunders, it would be a littleobvious, perhaps, to remove the hats and umbrellas from before theirvery faces, but keep a sharp eye on them!"

  I glanced at the trio of visiting-cards, as, once more, I made anattempt to continue my meal. "Mrs. Chillingby-Harkworth, PagodaMansions, S.W.," "Colonel Fitzakarley Beering," "George Parkins."The idea of a number of entire strangers being turned loose in mydrawing-room was one I did not relish. I felt I ought to have statedthat applications in writing would alone have been attended to.

  I had imagined that, by not taking my find to the police-station, Ishould be saving myself trouble. I perceived that my imagination hadbeen at fault. I had had no notion that such a number of people hadlost their purses. A constant fusillade was being kept up on theknocker. I might have been giving a fashionable assembly, andrequested the guests to arrive in time for breakfast. All at oncethere was a violent ringing at the drawing-room bell.

  In came Saunders with a stack of cards on a tray and some telegrams.

  "Well, Saunders, many people here?"

  "More than twenty inside the house, and I don't know how many thereare outside--I know the pavement's getting blocked. The drawing-roomis full, and the hall is crammed. Queer ones some of them are; theydon't look to me as if they were the sort to lose their purses. Andnow the lady whose card I brought up to you has rung the bell, andsays that she insists on seeing you at once."

  "Show her up, and, when I ring, show her down again. Then send them upone after the other. I'll get rid of them as fast as I can. And,Saunders, if ever you find a purse lose it again directly, and don'tbreathe a word of it to anyone!"

  III.

  In came a lady, looking every inch a Mrs. Chillingby-Harkworth--tall,portly, middle-aged, richly dressed. As she eyed me through a pair oflong-handled spy-glasses her volubility was amazing.

  "May I inquire your name, sir?"

  "Burley is my name, madam."

  "Then, Mr. Burley, I have to inform you I was never treated with somuch indignity before. I come here in answer to an advertisement, atgreat personal inconvenience to myself, and I am shown into a roomwith a number of most extraordinary characters; and one person, who, Iam sure, was the worse for drink, asks me the most impertinentquestions, and when I appeal
for protection to another individual, hetells me that he has enough to do in attending to his own businesswithout interfering with other people's, and I have positively to ringthe bell twice before I can receive any proper attention."

  "I am sorry that you should have suffered any unpleasantness in myhouse. May I ask if you have lost a purse?"

  "I can't say I have--at least, not for years. I only lost one purse inmy life, and that was when I was quite a child--I've always taken toomuch care of my things to lose them. But the friend of a niece ofmine, who was staying with me a week or two ago, took her little boyto the Zoological Gardens, and she lost her purse. She hadn't thefaintest notion where or how, and when I saw the advertisement Ithought I would call and see if it was hers."

  "May I ask you to describe the purse which your friend lost?"

  "My good sir, I can't do anything of the kind. I only saw it for amoment in her hand as she was going out. You mustn't ask me to performimpossibilities."

  "Perhaps your friend could describe it."

  "Of course she could, if she were here, but she isn't; she's at theother end of the country. I've come to look at the purse which youhave found, don't I tell you, and wasted a whole morning in doing so.I daresay I shall be able to form a pretty shrewd idea as to whetherit is hers, as those who know me best will tell you. My sense ofobservation has always been exceedingly keen."

  I shook my head.

  "I am afraid that that is what I cannot do. According to your ownstatement you have not lost a purse. I am unable to produce the onewhich I have found until I am furnished with a satisfactorydescription by the actual loser."

  She stared.

  "Good gracious, my good man, you don't mean to say that after bringingme here, and after what I have gone through, you refuse to show me thepurse which you have actually advertised?"

  I rang the bell.

  "Possibly your friend will place herself in communication with me.Saunders, show this lady out."

  I fancy she was so taken aback by my manner that for the moment shewas speechless. Anyhow, she went, and regained the use of her tonguewhen she got outside. I heard her rating Saunders soundly as she wentdownstairs. A young man came next, with something about him whichsmacked of a provincial town.

  "My name's Parkins. You've got a pretty crowd downstairs. I didn'texpect this sort of thing, or I wouldn't have come. A lot of Johnniesseem to be on the prowl for a purse. Was the one you found plainleather, with a single pocket, and three fivers inside?"

  "Not the least like it."

  "Oh! The fact is, I'm up in town for an holiday, and the night beforelast I went on the razzle, and some Johnny boned my purse, and Ithought you might have got it."

  I do not know what he meant, or if he intended to insult me--he seemedto be a simple sort of youth--but he was gone before I had a chance ofasking him. He was followed by an elderly gentleman, whom I had reasonto suppose, before I had got rid of him, was either a seasoned liar,or more or less insane. He seated himself--uninvited by me--crossedhis legs, and nursed his silk hat and umbrella.

  "I suppose it is a purse you've found?"

  "Of course it is. Have you lost one?"

  "It isn't a Gladstone bag?"

  "A Gladstone bag?" I was a little dazed by my efforts to grasp theman's meaning, and the question was such an absurd one.

  "I take it that if it had been a Gladstone bag I should have mentionedit in my advertisement. I am still able to distinguish between the oneand the other."

  "Nor a silk umbrella with a silver mount and a crest on top, likethis?"

  He held out the one he had been holding.

  I stiffened my back, suspecting him of a humorous intention.

  "My time is valuable, as, having just come from downstairs, you mustbe aware. May I ask if I am indebted for the pleasure of your presencehere to the fact of your having lost a purse?"

  "_A_ purse? On my soul and honour, sir, in my time I've losthundreds--hundreds! Positively hundreds!"

  I believe I gasped--he spoke with an airy indifference as if that kindof thing were commonplace.

  "As I was saying to some of those fellows downstairs, if there's a manin England who has lost more things than I have, I should like to meethim. It's a genius I have; as sure as I get a thing I lose it. And themore it costs, the more it's lost. As for purses, they're my strongestpoint. I suppose I lost more than a score last year, and already morethan a dozen this. Only last week my wife bought a steel chain with asteel purse at the end of it. She chained it round me. If you willbelieve me, sir, the very next day I went to a Turkish bath and leftit there--never set eyes upon it since. I take it it isn't that purseyou've found?"

  "It is not."

  "Nor a large square trunk, iron-bound, weighing about two tons, whichI left on the Boulogne Quay a fortnight last Thursday?"

  "It is not that, either. Pardon me if I appear to interrupt you, but,since you seem to have been unfortunate on so large a scale, I fear Imust ask you to go home and have a list printed of the purses whichyou have lost at different times, and send it to me at your leisure. Ishall then be able to perceive if it is one of them which I havefound. But I beg you will not include in it any ironbound trunks.Good-day."

  I rang the bell; the man sat still.

  "It isn't only trunks and purses which I lose--I lose everything. Theday before yesterday I went into the City to buy groceries; filled twogreat parcels four feet square; had them put with me into the cab sothat I might keep them well in sight; got out on the road to have adrink; when I had had it got into the wrong cab; never discovered themistake till I reached my own doorstep. Those groceries haven't yetcome to hand----"

  "These anecdotes----"

  "Excuse me, I'll tell you another thing I've lost. Six months ago Ilost my wife. Took her for a run on the Continent; on the way homedined at a restaurant on the Boulevards; went out to buy a cigar;forgot all about my wife; left her eating an ice; came over by thenight boat; never noticed she was missing till I was between thesheets in bed." He paused, as if to meditate. "She wasn't a dead loss;turned up afterwards, as I've reason to remember."

  Whether the man was or was not mad, or whether he was merely amusinghimself at my expense, is more than I can say. We had the greatestdifficulty in getting rid of him. By the time I had interviewedanother dozen applicants I came to the conclusion that, if I had to gothrough much more of that kind of thing, my brain would turn. Onered-headed man came into the room with a huge portfolio under his arm.Before I could stop him he had unfolded it before my astonished eyes.

  "I have here one of the finest works ever issued from the press. It isa universal gazetteer and general encyclopaedia of information, andcontains 22,000 more references than any other work of the kind whichhas been previously produced. It is most superbly illustrated, in themost lavish manner, by the greatest artists, two or more full-pageillustrations to each part, besides innumerable smaller illustrations,splendid maps, and magnificent coloured pictures, which are quiteworthy of being framed. It is issued in monthly parts pricesevenpence, and with the first part is presented a free gift----"

  It was all I could do to prevent myself kicking him downstairs. He wasnot by any means the only offender in this direction. One young woman,after beating about the bush in a manner which, although I wasbecoming familiar with it, was none the less maddening, explained thatshe had come to solicit contributions towards providing a day in thecountry for some ragamuffins at the other end of the town.

  IV.

  The worst of it was that, though I scampered through the applicants asfast as ever they would let me, the number of them, instead ofdiminishing, increased. The clamour of their voices filled the house.Saunders and the maids were becoming alarmed--for the matter of thatso was I. The people swarmed into the house like flies. The downstairrooms were full, the hall was blocked, the stairway choked, acontinually increasing crowd was on the pavement. Everyone wanted tosee me at once. Judging from the noise quarrels were frequen
t. I hadheard of the astonishing number of the applications which are receivedfor an advertised vacant clerkship; judging from results I might haveadvertised not for one clerk, but for half a dozen.

  "I think," suggested Saunders, pale, though heated, "that we hadbetter send for the police."

  I had just disposed of a man who, after explaining that he had lost apurse something like twelve months ago, had assured the crowd, fromthe top of the stairs, that I was a colourable imitation of a thief,because I had declined to show him the one which I had found a coupleof days before. He had been followed by an acidulated-looking female,who, I felt certain, was a tough morsel, and who was eyeing me, asSaunders spoke, as if I had been a convict at the least.

  "Why? Are the people misbehaving?"

  Saunders's face was more eloquent than his words.

  "I don't believe there'll be much furniture left in the drawing-roomif something isn't done. Cook's locked herself in the kitchen, andsome of the people have gone downstairs--a pretty sort they are! Ifthey aren't in the plate cupboard, they're in the pantry."

  This was pleasant hearing. Before I could speak the acidulatedlady--proving that my diagnosis of her character had not beenunfounded--answered for me.

  "And serve you quite right too! I believe that the whole affair's aswindle. You ought to be made to suffer. I don't believe you've founda purse at all."

  "My dear madam, I assure you that I have!"

  "Then why don't you let any of the poor creatures who have lost theirpurses have so much as a sight of it? If you have found a purse, whydon't you show it to them like an honest man?" I sighed--the logic ofpeople who had lost their purses was wonderful. "As for me, I'm notgoing through the farce of describing the purse I lost, because I knowvery well you haven't got it; but I'll tell you this--I've come allthe way from Hackney, and I've wasted a day, and I don't mean to leavethis house till you've paid me my expenses. I'll teach you to playtricks with innocent people! And"--she suddenly raised her voice--"ifother people take my advice they will insist upon having theirexpenses paid them too!"

  Before Saunders or I could interpose she had thrown the door wideopen, and was addressing her, by now, excited audience, as if to themanner born.

  "My good people, I am Sarah Eliza Warren, of Greenbush Villa,Hackney, and, like yourselves, I have been brought to this house bywhat seems to me to amount to false pretences. I don't believe that apurse has been found at all. If you take my advice you will do as I amdoing--you will insist on being compensated for your loss of time, andfor your out-of-pocket expenditure!"

  I plainly perceived that further argument was useless. The idea ofcompensating that motley gathering for effecting a burglarious entryon to my premises was one which was too terrible to contemplate.

  I threw up the window.

  "Police! police!" I shouted.

  A solitary policeman was in sight. Considering that the street infront of my house was rendered practically impassable by the concourseof people and of vehicles, the wonder was that the whole force had notbeen on the spot an hour ago. His attention had been attracted by thecrowd; he was hastening towards it. Some fifty to sixty personsendeavoured to explain the situation as he advanced. He waved themmajestically from him as only a policeman can. As he came near thehouse I shouted to him:

  "I'm the owner of this house! I require your assistance, constable! Iwant you to turn these people out!"

  The effect of my words was spoilt by the opening of the drawing-roomwindow, which was immediately under the one at which I was. Half adozen men and women thrust their heads out. They simultaneouslyaddressed the constable. Under the circumstances he did the best thinghe could have done--he blew his whistle.

  V.

  There ensued a scene of considerable excitement. Never tell me againthat policemen do not come when they are wanted. As soon as thatwhistle was blown blue-coated officials began to appear in alldirections. A policeman running is a sight to be seen--so the generalpublic with leisure on its hands seemed to think, because each cameattended by a tail of stragglers. What the neighbours thought of theproceedings Heaven only knows. People stood on the doorsteps, headswere thrust out of every window. Bangley Gardens had never beforeexperienced such an occasion in the whole course of its history.

  The behaviour of the persons who had lost their purses--or wished meto believe that they had--was disgraceful. Judging from the soundsthey were wandering over the house wherever their fancy led them. Ascuffle seemed to be taking place on the stairs, another in the hall,and there was plainly contention in the drawing-room. Mysteriousnoises in the basement. Eight or nine excitable people had forcedtheir way into my room, and, headed by "Sarah Eliza Warren," wereaddressing me in a fashion which, to say the least of it, was lackingin decorum. Meantime the original policeman was standing with hishands in his belt, waiting for the support of his colleagues beforetaking any steps whatever to save my property from being looted.

  "Constable!" I screamed, "I am the owner of this house, and I shallhold you responsible for any damage that is done to my property. Comeinside, I tell you, and turn these people out."

  He apparently paid no heed to me whatever; I was not the only one whowas screaming; The people at the drawing-room window were behaving asif they had just broken loose from Bedlam. From what I afterwardsascertained it seems as if some of them imagined that they were in fora colourable imitation of the original affair of the Black Hole ofCalcutta.

  Suddenly I became conscious that the proceedings in my immediateneighbourhood had positively increased in liveliness. Turning, Iperceived that Saunders was engaged in what looked very like a bout offisticuffs with still another member of the unemployed; he haddetected him in the act of pocketing a silver statuette. Regardless ofwho was standing in the way I rushed to his assistance. I struck outat somebody--somebody struck out at me. What immediately followed musthave borne a strong family resemblance to the "divarsion" which markedthe occasion of that immortal "Irish christenin'."

  "What's the meaning of all this? Who's the owner of this house?"

  Never was anything more welcome than the sight of the stalwart,blue-coated figure of the representative of law and order standing inthe doorway. I tremble to think of what would have happened if hisarrival had been delayed much longer.

  "I am--what's left of him."

  "Then, if you're the owner of the house, what are all these peopledoing in it?"

  "Perhaps you will be so good as to ask them; they have certainly notbeen invited by me."

  A voice was raised in explanation--the voice of "Sarah Eliza Warren."

  "We 've been made the victims of a scandalous hoax, policeman, and ifthere's a law in the land this person ought to be made to suffer. He'slured people by false pretences from all parts of the country, and I,for one, don't mean to leave this house till he has compensated me forthe loss and suffering he has caused me."

  "More don't I," chimed in, of all persons, that felonious member ofthe unemployed.

  "Officer, I give that man in charge for theft; my man has just caughthim in the act of appropriating my property."

  The man began to bluster.

  "What are you talking about? Who do you think you are? You rob a poorbloke like me of a whole day's work, and then won't give me so much asa ha'penny piece to make up for it! A nice sort you are to talk ofrobbery!"

  The constable raised his hand in the orthodox official manner, whichis intended to soothe.

  "Now, then! now, then!" He addressed me. "Is what these persons saytrue--have you been hoaxing them?"

  "Most distinctly not; as, if you will be so good as to rid my house oftheir presence, I shall have much pleasure in promptly proving toyou."

  The sergeant--he was a sergeant--made short work of the clearance,even managing, by dint of an assurance that he would listen to all shehad to say afterwards, to dislodge "Sarah Eliza Warren." Then heturned to me.

  "Now, perhaps, you will tell me what this means. If you're thehouseholde
r, as you say, you yourself ought to turn anyone out of yourown house you want to turn out, as a policeman has no right to comeinto a private house unless an actual charge is to be preferred. Idon't know what you've been doing, but you seem to be responsible forsomething very like a riot."

  I felt that it was hard, after what I had undergone, to be addressedin such a strain by a man in his position.

  "When you have heard the explanation which I am about to give you, youwill yourself perceive how far you are justified in adopting towardsme such a tone." I paused. I seated myself--the support of a chairhaving become an absolute necessity. "The day before yesterday, as Iwas turning from Knightsbridge into Sloane Street, I saw a purse lyingon the pavement. I picked it up. I inquired of several people standingabout, or who were passing by, if they had dropped it. No one had. Ibrought it home, and yesterday I sent an advertisement to the papers.Here it is, in one of them."

  I pointed it out to him in a newspaper of the day.

  "Found, A Purse.--Owner may have it by giving description and payingthe cost of this advertisement.--Apply to 25, Bangley Gardens, S.W."

  "It's too vague," objected the constable.

  "I purposely made it as vague as I could, thinking that if I left allthe details to be filled in I should render it certain that it couldonly be claimed by the actual owner, and, to make sure it should beclaimed by him, I had it inserted in all the morning papers."

  The constable smiled the smile of superiority.

  "If you had let me know what you had done I'd have sent my men down intime to protect you. A vague advertisement like that appearing in allthe papers is bound to attract the attention of half the riffraff ofLondon, who are always ready for a little game of trying it on, not tospeak of the hundreds, perhaps thousands, who are losing their pursesevery day."

  "I have discovered that fact--a day after the affair."

  "You ought to have taken it at once to a police-station. Everyoneought to take the things they find. It would save them a lot ofbother."

  "That, also, I perceive too late. I was under a different impressionat first. I know better now. Perhaps you will allow me to repair myerror and confide it to your keeping at this, the eleventh hour. ThenI shall have pleasure in referring all further applicants to you."

  As he placed the purse in the inside pocket of his tunic the sergeantgrinned.

  "Don't think you'll get rid of them by giving it to me now, becauseyou won't. Look at the street. There's a pretty sight for you."

  It was a pretty sight--of a kind. The usually deserted Bangley Gardenswas filled with a clamorous crowd. It distinctly comprised all sortsand conditions of men--and women. Two or three policemen, standing atthe foot of my steps, were doing their best to keep the people back.It seemed incredible that all this bother could be about a purse. Ifever I found another I would know the reason why.

  "I shall have to leave some of my men to keep the people circulating,and to save you from annoyance. I shouldn't be surprised if you havethem worrying you for several days to come. If you take my adviceyou'll put an advertisement in to-morrow's papers, to say that youhave handed the purse to us."

  I did put an advertisement in the next day's papers, though it was notcouched in the terms which he suggested. For the joke was thatscarcely had the sergeant turned his back when I took up, halfabsent-mindedly, a telegram from the heap which was constantlyarriving, and found it contained this message--a tolerably voluminousone:

  "To 25, Bangley Gardens.

  "Referring to advertisement of purse found in to-day's _Times_, LadyHester Hammersmith, of Hammersmith House, Grosvenor Square, onThursday afternoon, between three and four, dropped, probably outsideCane and Wilson's, green silk network purse, secured by two goldrings--emerald in one, sapphire in the other. At one end of the pursewere four ten and one five-pound notes; at the other, about ninepounds in gold and silver. As Lady Hester Hammersmith values the purseapart from its intrinsic value, and is greatly troubled at its loss,if this is the purse found, please wire at once. Reply paid."

  I rushed to the door.

  "Saunders, where is the boy who brought this message? Run after thatsergeant of police and bring him back again--this is the purse Ifound."

  It was. And so it came about that the second advertisement which Iinserted was not worded as the sergeant had suggested, but was to theeffect that no further applications need be made to anyone, becausethe purse which was found had been restored to its rightful owner.