Never the Bride

  Praise for

  Never the Bride

  “Hope, humor, and happiness—to me, those are the attributes of good a book. Never the Bride is more than that—it’s terrific!”

  —LOUISE DUART, comedic impressionist, TV host, and author of Couples Who Pray

  “Never the Bride is a love story with a kick! Not just funny, this book is rollicking, with a heroine who can change her own tires, guide her own free-spirited sister, and keep an outlook on life that caused more than one fit of giggles. This is the kind of book I want to read again, simply because it is so rich with meaning and so intelligently written; I want to make sure I’ve caught every nuance.”

  —HANNAH ALEXANDER, author of A Killing Frost and the Hideaway series

  “Never the Bride is a powerful and thought-provoking story with just the right touch of humor. At times I laughed out loud, and at other times I wiped away my tears. Never the Bride is a treasure of a novel and a must-read!”

  —CARRIE TURANSKY, author of Along Came Love and Kiss the Bride

  “Engrossing as they are entertaining, the authors hit it out of the park with this delightful romantic romp, striking at the heart of a woman’s deepest desire: to be known and loved for herself. Side-splittingly funny and devastatingly raw in turns. Having devoured McKay’s inspired screenplay first, followed by this fabulously faithful novel, I can hardly wait for the movie!”

  —SUSAN ROHRER producer, writer, and director

  “Never the Bride teaches us all powerful lessons about God’s plan, control, and the peace that comes with surrender.”

  —JIM STOVALL, author of The Ultimate Gift

  “Delightful, delightful, delightful is Never the Bride. Rene Gutteridge knows how to take a plot and give it an unexpected, soul-searching, humorous wow of a twist.”

  —LYN COTE, author of The Desires of Her Heart

  “Never the Bride is a delightful book. Jessie is a wise-cracking, sarcastic gal I’d love to take to lunch. This book had me in stitches as I laughed with Jessie, in tears as I felt her pain and desperation. If you’re looking for a book that’s more than a romance, this is the book. This novel will speak to the heart of every woman who’s ever sought the perfect man, by pointing her to the perfect romance.”

  —CARA C. PUTMAN, author of Canteen Dreams and Sandhill Dreams

  “Never the Bride is a pure delight! It’s fun, refreshing, and witty, yet also profoundly insightful about God and His amazing love for us. I’ll be recommending this one to my family and friends!”

  —MARLO SCHALESKY, author of If’ Tomorrow Never Comes and Beyond the Night

  “For all those wannabe brides out there, Never the Bride is a refreshing look at how quickly we can sell ourselves short, while reminding us, in a witty and yet profound way, that there is a wannabe Groom who has always been there. Every belly laugh and every tear inspired by this book will hopefully cause each wannabe bride to realize she already is one.”

  —DENISE HILDRETH, author of the Savannah series and Flies on the Butter

  “I devoured every single page. Never the Bride is the best romantic comedy written in years! A page turner from page one.”

  —VICTORYA ROGERS, love coach, host of Man To Keep.com, and author of Finding a Man Worth Keeping

  “Never the Bride is a ticklish tale of one slightly neurotic woman’s quest to find Mr. Right that leads to an unexpected encounter. Delightfully memorable, wonderfully thought provoking!”

  —TAMARA LEIGH, award-winning author of Splitting Harriet and Leaving Carolina

  By Rene Gutteridge

  Boo

  Boo Who

  Boo Hiss

  Boo Humbug

  Scoop

  Snitch

  Skid

  My Life as a Doormat

  By Cheryl McKay

  Never the Bride (screenplay)

  The Ultimate Gift film (screenplay)

  Gigi: God’s Little Princess DVD (screenplay)

  Wild & Wacky Totally True Bible Stories series (cowritten with

  Frank Peretti)

  Books by Cheryl McKay and Rene Gutteridge

  The Ultimate Gift film novelization

  For those who fear the

  surrender of their

  purple pens

  one

  You don’t know me yet, so there is no reason you should care that I’m stuck on a highway with a blowout. But maybe we can relate to each other. Maybe you can understand that when I say “Everything goes my way” I’m being sarcastic. Not that I’m usually dependent on such a primitive form of communication. I’m actually not very cynical at all. I’m more of a glass-half-full-of-vitamin-infused-water person. Sometimes I even believe that if I dream something, or at least journal it, it will happen. But today, at eight forty-five in the morning, as the sun bakes me like a cod against the blacktop of the Pacific Coast Highway, I’m feeling a bit sarcastic.

  It’s February but hotter than normal, which means a long, hot California summer is ahead—the kind that seems to bring out the beauty in blondes and the sweat glands in brunettes. I am a brunette. Not at all troubled by it. I don’t even have my hair highlighted. I own my brunetteness and always have, even when Sun-In was all the rage. And it can’t be overstated that chlorine doesn’t turn my medium chestnut hair green. Actually it’s the copper, not the chlorine, that turns hair green—but that’s a useless trivia fact I try to save for speed dating.

  I’m squatting next to my flat tire, examining the small rip. Holding my hair back and off my neck with one hand, I stand and look up and down the road, hoping to appear mildly distressed. Inside, I’ll admit it, I’m feeling moderately hysterical. My boss flips out when I’m late. It wouldn’t matter if my appendix burst, he doesn’t want to hear excuses. I wish he were the kind of guy who would just turn red in the face and yell, like Clark Kent’s newspaper boss. But no. He likes to lecture as if he’s an intellectual, except he’s weird and redundant and cliché, so it’s painful and boring.

  A few cars zoom by, and I suddenly realize this could be my moment. Part of me says not to be ridiculous, because this kind of thing happens only on shows with a ZIP code or county name in the title. But still, you can’t help wondering, hoping, that maybe this is the moment when your life will change. When you meet your soul mate.

  Like I said, I enjoy my glass/life half full.

  Even as an optimist, I see no harm in being a little aggressive to achieve my goals. So with my free hand, I do a little wave, throw a little smile, and attempt to lock eyes with people going fifty miles an hour.

  And then I see him. He’s in a red convertible, the top down, the black sunglasses shiny and tight against his tan skin. He’s wearing pink silk the way only a man with a good, measured amount of confidence can. At least that’s the way I see it from where I’m standing.

  As he gets closer, his head turns and he notices me. I do a little wave, flirtatious with a slight hint of unintentional taxi hailing. I decide to smile widely, because he is going fast and I might look blurry. He smiles back. My hand falls to my side. I step back, lean against my car, and try to make my conservative business suit seem flattering. There’s nothing I can do about my upper lip sweating except hope my sweat-proof department-store makeup is holding up its end of the bargain better than my blowout-proof tire did.

  He seems to be slowing down.

  Live in the moment, I instruct myself. Don’t think about what I should say or what I could say. Just let it roll, Jessie, let it roll. Don’t overthink it.

  This thought repeats itself when the convertible zooms by. I think he actually accelerated.

  So.

  My makeup is failing, along with whatever charm I thought I had. I just can’t imagine what kind of guy wouldn’t stop
and help a woman. Maybe I’d have more hits if I were elderly.

  I do what I have to do. What I know how to do. I change my own stupid tire. Yes, I can, and have been able to since I was eighteen. I can also change my own oil but don’t because then I appear capable of taking care of myself. And I’m really not. Practically, yes, I can take care of myself. I make decent money. I drive myself home from root canals. I open cans without a can opener. I’m able to survive for three days in the forest without food or water, and I never lost sleep over Y2K.

  But I’m talking about something different. I’m talking about being taken care of in an emotional way. Maybe it’s a genetic problem. I don’t know. Somehow I became a hopeless romantic. A friend tried the exorcism equivalent of purging me of this demon when she made me watch The War of the Roses two times in a row, all under the guise of a girls’ night, complete with popcorn and fuzzy slippers.

  That didn’t cure me.

  I want to be married. I hate being alone.

  I lift the blown-out tire and throw it in my trunk, slamming it closed. My skin looks like condensation off a plastic cup. I can’t believe nobody has stopped. Not even a creepy guy. I stand there trying to breathe, trying to get ahold of my anger. I’m going to be late, I’m going to be sweaty, and I’m on the side of a highway alone.

  “You need some help?”

  I whirl around because I realize that I’ve just been hoping that even a creepy guy would stop, and since my world works in a way that only my negative thoughts seem to come to pass, you can see why the glass-half-full is so important.

  The morning sun blinds me, and all I see is a silhouette. The voice is deep, kind of mature.

  “Well, I did need some help,” I say, fully aware that acting cute is not going to undo the sweat rings that have actually burst through three layers of fabric, so I don’t bother. I dramatically gesture to my car and try a smile. “But as you can see, I don’t now.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yes. But thank you very much,” I say, for stopping after I’m completely finished. I trudge back to my car and start the air conditioner. Glancing back in my rearview mirror, I study the silhouette. He sort of has the same shape as the guy in my dream last night. My nightmare. It was actually a dream after my nightmare, where you feel awake but you’re not. It wasn’t the nocturnal version of Chainsaw Massacre, but it did involve taffeta.

  He doesn’t wave. He doesn’t move. He just stands there, exactly like the guy in my dream. It’s very déjà vu-like and I lock my doors. I put my blinker on, pull onto the highway, and leave him behind, driving below the speed limit on my flimsy spare tire all the way to work.

  I work at Coston Real Estate. We’re squeezed between a wireless store and a Pizza Hut. We stand out a little because of our two huge dark wood doors, ten feet tall and adorned with silver handles.

  I push open one of the doors and walk in. Mine is the front desk. It’s tall, almost Berlin Wall-like. People have to peer over it to see me, and I look very small on the other side. When I’m sitting, I can barely see over the top of it.

  I walk toward the break room, past nine square cubicles, all tan and otherwise colorless. Even the carpet is tan. On my left are the real offices with walls.

  Nicole, inside her cubicle, sees me. “What happened to you?”

  We’ve been good friends ever since I started working here, ten years ago. She’s African American, two years younger than I am. She has that kind of expression I wish I could wear. Her eyebrows slant upward toward each other, like a bridge that’s opening to let a boat through. It’s part You’re weird and part I’m worried. She has sass and I love it. She’s working her way up to senior agent and is one of Mr. Coston’s favorites, but I don’t hold that against her.

  I don’t answer because I’m busy staring at her new eight-by-ten framed family picture. It’s very Picture People: white background, casual body language, all four wearing identical polos and jeans. I love that kind of husband, who will wear matching clothes with his family. They’re so adorable.

  “Jessie, seriously girl, you okay? You’ve got black smeared across your forehead.”

  I tear my eyes away from the photo. “Blowout on the highway.”

  The eyebrow bridge is lowered, and she chuckles. “Honey, you look like you changed your own tire.”

  I put my forehead against the edge of her cube wall. “I did.”

  “Oh. Wow. I wish I knew how to change a tire.”

  “No, you don’t. Trust me.”

  She reaches under her desk and pulls out a neatly wrapped gift. “For you.”

  I smile. I love gifts. I drop my things and tear it open even though I already know what it is. “Nicole, it’s beautiful!” It’s a leather-bound journal with gold embossed lettering and heavy lined paper inside. “What’s the occasion?”

  “It’s February. I know how much this month…Well, it tends to be a long month for you, that’s all.” She points to the spine of it. “It sort of reminds me of the one I brought you back from Italy four years ago. Remember?”

  “Yes, it does.”

  “So, my friend, happy February. May this month bring you—”

  “Love.” From my bag, I pull out a folder and slap it on her desk.

  “What is this?” She says it like a mom who has just been handed a disappointing report card.

  “Just look.”

  Carefully, like something might jump out and insult her, she opens the folder. She picks up three glossy photos of several potential loves of my life.

  “They’re hot, aren’t they?” I ask.

  “Too hot,” she says.

  “There’s no such thing as too hot.”

  “Suspiciously too hot, like an airbrush might be involved.”

  I grab the photos from her and turn them around for her to see. With my finger, I underline each of their names: CuteBootsieBoo, SuaveOneYou Want, OneOfAKindMan.

  “Jessie CuteBootsieBoo. Mmm. Doesn’t have a good ring to it.”

  “It’s their instant message names, Nicole.”

  “Yes. And that makes it better?”

  I sigh. “You have got to get into the twenty-first century, you know. This is the best way to meet a guy.”

  “You can tell a lot about a man by what he names himself.” She looks up at me and shakes her head. “Seriously. You set up a date with one of these and they’ll show up with a beer gut, a walker, or a rap sheet.”

  “None of them rap.”

  Nicole stands, grabs my arm with one hand and my stuff with the other, and whisks me to my desk. She nearly pushes me into my chair and drops everything in front of me.

  “Chill out,” I say as she walks away. “This service guarantees background checks. But if you happen to end up needing a restraining order, they’ll pay for it.”

  Nicole gasps and whirls around.

  “I’m kidding.” But I have her attention now. I lean back in my chair, looking at the ceiling as my hands feel the leather on my new journal. “This’ll be the year, Nicole.”

  “You say that every year. Especially in February which is why I got you the—”

  I snap forward. “But I’ve never taken control like this before. Three online match sites, one dating service. They find what you want or your money back.”

  Nicole walks back toward me and leans over the counter. “I didn’t realize QVC sold dates. If you order in the next ten minutes, do you get two for the price of one, plus an eight-piece Tupperware set?” She reaches for my chocolate bowl.

  I scowl at her but lift the bowl up so she can reach it. “What do you know about it? You got married right out of college.”

  “Don’t remind me.” She carefully unwraps her candy and takes a mini-bite.

  “You never even had to try.” I grab a piece of dark chocolate out of my candy bowl and get the whole thing in my mouth before she takes another bite of hers.

  Nicole shrugs and leans against the counter. “Sometimes you just gotta leave these things up to
fate.” She goes back to nibbling on her chocolate.

  I swirl my hands in the air. “Fate, God, the universe. They’ve all been asleep on the job of setting up a love story for me.” I stand up. “No. I am going to make this happen myself.”

  Nicole doesn’t look up from her candy. “Do you even know what it means to be married? To be chained to another person for the rest of your life? To pick up socks and wash underwear and care for a grown man like he’s just popped out of infancy? Huh?”

  I glare at her even though she’s got eyes only for her candy “It’s got to be better than being alone. Or being a bridesmaid eleven times.”

  She bites her lip and finally glances at me. “But you know how…you kind of need everything to be a certain way.”

  I nudge my stapler so it isn’t perfectly perpendicular to my sticky notes, just to show her I’m able to handle disorder. I try not to stare at it because now it’s really bugging me. “Are you saying I’m a control freak?”

  “With OCD tendencies. You can’t expect everything to be exactly how you want it if you want to live through a marriage.”

  I stand and start walking slowly toward the bathroom. “I know what compromise’ means.”

  Nicole follows. “Then why do you get mad when I have to check with my husband before we go out? That’s what marriage is. You can’t even poop without someone else knowing.”

  I glance at her to see if she’s serious. She is. Part of me wants to tell her about my dream last night. I always tell her about my dreams. But she’s really pooping on my parade today. We get to her desk and she sits down. I walk on.

  I have these dreams. I’m talking nocturnal, not journal. Yeah, I dream in my journal. I admit it. I’ve written in one since I was fourteen, when I found a strange delight every time I drew a heart with a boy’s name attached in squiggly letters.

  But back to my nightmare. It started with me in a wedding dress. That’s not the nightmare. That part was actually cool because I was in a dress I designed in my journal when I was twenty-two.