Bachelors Anonymous

  P. G. WODEHOUSE

  Bachelors Anonymous

  Chapter One

  Mr Ephraim Trout of Trout, Wapshott and Edelstein, one of the many legal firms employed by Ivor Llewellyn, head of the Superba-Llewellyn studio of Llewellyn City. Hollywood, was seeing Mr Llewellyn off at the Los Angeles air port. The two men were friends of long standing. Mr Trout had handled all Mr Llewellyn’s five divorces, including his latest from Grayce, widow of Orlando Mulligan the Western star, and this formed a bond. There is nothing like a good divorce for breaking down the barriers between lawyer and client. It gives them something to talk about.

  ‘I shall miss you, I.L.,’ Mr Trout was saying. ‘The old place won’t seem the same without you. But I feel you are wise in transferring your activities to London.’

  Mr Llewellyn felt the same. He had not taken this step without giving it consideration. He was a man who, except when marrying, thought things over.

  ‘The English end needs gingering up,’ he said. ‘A couple of sticks of dynamite under the seat of their pants will do those dreamers all the good in the world.’

  ‘I was not thinking so much,’ said Mr Trout, ‘of the benefits which will no doubt accrue to the English end as of those which you yourself will derive from your London visit.’

  ‘You get a good steak in London.’

  ‘Nor had I steaks in mind. I feel that now that you are free from the insidious influence of Californian sunshine the urge to marry again will be diminished. It is that perpetual sunshine that causes imprudence.’

  At the words ‘marry again’ Mr Llewellyn had. shuddered strongly, like a blancmange in a high wind.

  ‘Don’t talk to me about marrying again. I’ve kicked the habit.’

  ‘You think you have.’

  ‘I’m sure of it. Listen, you know Grayce.’

  ‘I do indeed.’

  ‘And you know what it was like being married to her. She treated me like one of those things they have in Mexico, not tamales, something that sounds like spoon.’

  ‘Peon?’

  ‘That’s right. Insisted on us having a joint account. Made me go on a diet. You ever eaten diet bread?’

  Mr Trout said he had not. He was a man so thin and meagre that a course of diet bread might well have made him invisible.

  ‘Well, don’t. It tastes like blotting-paper. My sufferings were awful. If it hadn’t been for an excellent young woman named Miller, now Mrs Montrose Bodkin, who at peril of her life sneaked me in an occasional bit of something I could get my teeth into, I doubt if I’d have survived. And now that Grayce has got a divorce I feel like a convict at San Quentin suddenly let out on parole after serving ten years for busting banks.’

  ‘The relief must be great.’

  ‘Colossal. Well, would such a convict go and bust another bank the moment he got out?’

  ‘Not if he were wise.

  ‘Well, I’m wise.’

  ‘But you’re weak, I.L.’

  ‘Weak? Me? Ask the boys at the studio if I’m weak.’

  ‘Where women are concerned, only where women are concerned.’

  ‘Oh, women.’

  ‘You will propose to them. You are what I would call a compulsive proposer. It’s your warm, generous nature, of course.’

  ‘That and not knowing what to say to them after the first ten minutes. You can’t just sit there.’

  ‘That is why I welcome this opportunity of giving you a word of advice. You may have asked yourself why I, though working in the heart of Hollywood for more than twenty years, have never married.’

  It had not occurred to .Mr Llewellyn to ask himself this. Had he done so, he would have replied to himself that the solution of the mystery was that his old friend, though highly skilled in the practice of the law, was short on fascination. Mr Trout, in addition to being thin, had that dried-up look which so often comes to middle-aged lawyers. There was nothing dashing about him. He might have appealed to the comfortable motherly type of woman, but these are rare in Hollywood.

  ‘The reason,’ said Mr Trout, ‘is that for many years I have belonged to a little circle whose members have decided that the celibate life is best. We call ourselves Bachelors Anonymous. It was Alcoholics Anonymous that gave the founding fathers the idea. Our methods are frankly borrowed from theirs. When one of us feels the urge to take a woman out to dinner becoming too strong for him, he seeks out the other members of the circle and tells them of his craving, and they reason with him. He pleads that just one dinner cannot do him any harm, but they know what that one dinner can lead to. They point out the inevitable results of that first downward step. Once yield to temptation, they say, and dinner will be followed by further dinners, lunches for two and tête-à-têtes in dimly lit boudoirs, until in morning coat and sponge-bag trousers he stands cowering beside his bride at the altar rails, racked with regret and remorse when it is too late. And gradually reason returns to its throne. Calm succeeds turmoil, and the madness passes. He leaves the company of his friends his old bachelor self again, resolved from now on to ignore scented letters of invitation, to refuse to talk on the telephone and to duck down a side street if he sees a female form approaching. Are you listening, I.L.?’

  ‘I’m listening,’ said Mr Llewellyn. He was definitely impressed. Twenty years of membership in Bachelors Anonymous had given Mr Trout a singular persuasiveness.

  ‘There is unfortunately no London chapter of Bachelors Anonymous, or I would give you a letter to them. What you must do on arrival is to engage the services of some steady level-headed person in whom you can have confidence, who will take the place of my own little group when you feel a proposal coming on. A good lawyer, used to carrying out with discretion the commissions of clients, can find you one. There is a firm in Bedford Row—Nichols, Erridge and Trubshaw, with whom I have done a good deal of business over the years. I am sure they will be able to supply someone who will be a help to you. It won’t be the same, of course, as having the whole of Bachelors Anonymous working for you, but better than nothing. And I do think you will need support. I spoke a moment ago of the Californian sunshine and its disastrous effects, and I was congratulating you on escaping from it, but the sun has been known to shine in England, so one must be prepared. Nichols, Erridge and Trubshaw. Don’t forget.’

  ‘I won’t,’ said Mr Llewellyn.

  2

  Leaving the air port, Mr Trout returned to Hollywood, where he lunched at the Brown Derby, as was his usual custom, his companions Fred Basset, Johnny Runcible and G. J. Flannery, all chartered members of Bachelors Anonymous. Fred Basset, who was in real estate, had done a profitable deal that morning, as had G. J. Flannery, who was an authors’ agent, and there was an atmosphere of jollity at the table. Only Mr Trout sat silent, staring at his corned beef hash in a distrait manner, his thoughts elsewhere. It was behaviour bound to cause comment.

  ‘You’re very quiet today, E.T.,’ said Fred Basset, and Mr Trout came to himself with a start.

  ‘I’m sorry, F.B.,’ he said. ‘I’m worried.’

  ‘That’s bad. What about?’

  ‘I’ve just been seeing Llewellyn off to London.’

  ‘Nothing to worry you about that. He’ll probably get there all right.’

  ‘But what happens when he does?’

  ‘If I know him, he’ll have a big dinner.’

  ‘Alone? With a business acquaintance? Or,’ said Mr Trout gravely, ‘with some female companion?’

  ‘Egad!’ said Johnny Runcible.

  ‘Yes, I see what you mean,’ said G. J. Flannery, and a thoughtful silence fell.

  These men were men who could face facts and draw conclusions. They knew that if someone has had five wives, it is futile to pretend that he is immune to the attr
actions of the other sex, and they saw with hideous clarity the perils confronting Ivor Llewellyn. What had been a carefree lunch party became a tense committee meeting. Brows were furrowed, lips tightened and eyes dark with concern. It was as if they were seeing Ivor Llewellyn about to step heedlessly into the Great Grimpen Mire which made Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson shudder so much.

  ‘We can’t be sure the worst will happen,’ said Fred Basset at length. A man who peddles real estate always looks on the bright side. ‘It may be all right. We must bear in mind that he has only just finished serving a long sentence as the husband of Grayce Mulligan. Surely a man who has had an experience like that will hesitate to put his head in the noose again.’

  ‘He told me that when the subject of his re-marrying came up,’ said Mr Trout, ‘and he seemed to mean it.’

  ‘If you ask me,’ said G. J. Flannery, always inclined to take the pessimistic view, his nature having been soured by association with authors, ‘it’s more likely to work in just the opposite direction. After Grayce practically anyone will look good to him, and he will fall an easy prey to the first siren that comes along. Especially if he has had a drink or two. You know what he’s like when he has had a couple.’

  Brows became more furrowed, lips tighter and eyes darker. There was a tendency to reproach Mr Trout.

  ‘You should have given him a word of warning, E.T.,’ said Fred Basset.

  ‘I gave him several words of warning,’ said Mr Trout, stung. ‘I did more. I told him of some lawyers I know in London who will be able to supply him with someone who can to a certain extent take the place of Bachelors Anonymous.’

  Fred Basset shook his head. Though enthusiastic when describing a desirable property to a prospective client, out of business hours he was a realist.

  ‘Can an amateur take the place of Bachelors Anonymous?’

  ‘I doubt it,’ said G. J. Flannery.

  ‘Me too,’ said Johnny Runcible.

  ‘It needs someone like you, E.T.,’ said Fred Basset, ‘someone accustomed to marshalling arguments and pleading a case. I suppose you couldn’t go over to London?’

  ‘Now that’s an idea,’, said G. J. Flannery.

  It was one that had not occurred to Mr Trout, but, examining it, he saw its merits. A hasty conversation at an air port could scarcely be expected to have a permanent effect on a man of Ivor Llewellyn’s marrying tendencies, but if he were to be in London, constantly at Ivor Llewellyn’s side, in a position to add telling argument to telling argument, it would be very different. The thought of playing on Ivor Llewellyn as on a stringed instrument had a great appeal for him, and it so happened that business was slack at the moment and the affairs of Trout, Wapshott and Edelstein could safely be left in the hands of his partners. It was not as though they were in the middle of one of those causes célèbres where the head of the firm has to be at the wheel every minute.

  ‘You’re right, F.B.,’ he said. ‘Give me time to fix things up at the office, and I’ll leave for London.’

  ‘You couldn’t leave at once?’

  ‘I’m afraid not.’

  ‘Then let’s pray that you may not be too late.’

  ‘Yes, let’s,’ said Johnny Runcible and G. J. Flannery.

  3

  Mr Llewellyn’s plane was on its way. A complete absence of hijackers enabled it to reach New York, whence another plane took him to London, where at a party given in his honour by the Superba-Llewellyn branch of that city he made the acquaintance of a Miss Vera Dalrymple, who was opening shortly in a comedy entitled Cousin Angela by a young author of the name of Joseph Pickering.

  She was a handsome brunette, as all his five wives had been, and it was not long before her undeniable good looks caused him temporarily to allow the wise words of Mr Trout to pass from his mind, such as it was. It was not till her play had been running nearly two weeks that he realised the advisability of establishing contact with Nichols, Erridge and Trubshaw of Bedford Row, W.C.1.

  Chapter Two

  On the stage of the Regal Theatre in London’s Shaftesbury Avenue Vera Dalrymple and a man in his fifties were rehearsing a scene from Cousin Angela, and anyone following the dialogue would have noted that Miss Dalrymple seemed to be getting all the good lines. And such a criticism would have been justified. The actor who was performing with her now had been known to complain that when you played a scene with Miss Dalrymple you might just as well be painted on the back drop.

  In the stalls Joe Pickering was being interviewed by a girl so pretty that the first sight of her had affected his vocal chords. Her matter-of-fact briskness, however, had soon restored his composure, and they were now prattling away together like old friends. Her name, he gathered, was Sally Fitch, and she represented a weekly paper he had never heard of. Women’s something, but Women’s what he had forgotten.

  Nature, when planning Joe Pickering, had had in mind something light-hearted and cheerful, and until the rehearsals of Cousin Angela had begun this was what he had been. But a sensitive young man whose first play has fallen into the hands of as exacting a star as Vera Dalrymple seldom retains those qualities for long. Quite early in their association the iron had entered into his soul, and with the opening a few days off he was feeling as he had often felt at the end of a strenuous boxing contest.

  Sally, who had been probing into his methods of work, touched on another subject.

  ‘Extraordinary how grim a theatre is in the daytime,’ she said.

  ‘Grim things go on in it,’ said Joe with feeling.

  ‘I wonder some mystery writer doesn’t make it the setting for a thriller. This stall I’m sitting in. The perfect place for finding a corpse underneath. A small corpse, of course. A midget, in fact, and one that had stunted its growth by cigarette-smoking in boyhood. His size enabled him to hide in the villain’s Homburg hat and he overheard the villain plotting, but unfortunately he sneezed and was discovered and bumped off. I’ll make you a present of the idea.’

  ‘Thanks. Why did the heavy put the body under the seat?’

  ‘He had to put it somewhere, and anyway that’s up to you. I can’t do all the work.’

  In addition to being pretty she had, Joe thought, a charming voice. At least it charmed him, but not, apparently, everybody, for at this moment another voice spoke from the stage.

  ‘For heaven’s sake will you be quiet at the back there. It’s impossible to rehearse with all this talking going on.’

  ‘Oh, sorry,’ said Joe. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Who was that?’ asked Sally, awed. ‘God?’

  ‘Vera Dalrymple.’

  ‘Of course. I ought to have recognised her. I interviewed her once.’

  ‘Please!’ from the stage.

  ‘Well, we don’t seem to be wanted here,’ said Sally.

  ‘Let’s go into the foyer. Tell me,’ she went on, as the door closed behind them, ‘what do you think of that gifted artiste? Off the record. Just between you and me.’

  It was a question which Joe was well prepared to answer. He did so with the minimum of hesitation.

  ‘Let’s say that I think it possible her mother may love her.’

  ‘But not you?’

  ‘Not me. ‘

  ‘Temperamental? ‘

  ‘Very.’

  ‘Bossy?’

  ‘Most.’

  ‘Disposition? ‘

  ‘Fiendish.’

  ‘But otherwise all right?’

  ‘Not at all. She’s a line-grabber.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘She grabs other people’s lines and throws the whole show out of balance. Take that bit they’re doing now, it was supposed to be the man who was scoring. It linked up with something in the next act.

  The story depended on it. But a lot she cares about the story so long as she gets the laughs. I had to rewrite the scene a dozen times before she was satisfied that she had grabbed everything that was worth grabbing.’

  ‘I’ve always heard she was a selfish star.
’

  ‘Ha!’

  ‘But couldn’t you have told her to go and drown herself in the Serpentine?’

  ‘How could I? She’s the boss. You wouldn’t expect an Ethiopian slave to tell Cleopatra to go and drown in the Nile.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have taken you for an Ethiopian slave.’

  ‘Only because I’m a bit blonder than the average Ethiopian.’

  ‘Is she married?’

  ‘Not that I know of.’

  ‘I’m sorry for her husband, if and when.’

  ‘Yes, one does feel a pang.’

  ‘But we can’t help his troubles. On with the interview.

  ‘Must we? I hate talking about myself.’

  ‘I dare say, but you’ve got to when you’re being interviewed.’

  ‘I can’t think why your paper wants an interview with me. I’m nobody much.’

  ‘Well, we aren’t much of a paper. And you’ve probably done something besides writing a play calculated to impress one and all. Have you a sideline? You box, don’t you?’

  ‘Who told you that?’

  ‘My editress. She’s a great boxing fan. She said you won the amateur championship the other day.’

  ‘An amateur championship. Middleweight.’

  ‘She was probably in a ringside seat.’

  ‘Odd, her being interested in boxing. Does she perform herself?’

  ‘I shouldn’t wonder. Though I imagine past her best. And now let’s have a word about Pickering the author.’

  Joe shifted uneasily in his seat. He shrank from giving the floor to the totally uninteresting character she had mentioned.

  ‘There’s not much to say. I write as much as I can in the evenings after I leave the office.’

  ‘So do I. What sort of office?’

  ‘Solicitor’s.’

  ‘Rather dull. What made you choose that for a life work?’

  ‘I didn’t. I was supposed to be going to the Bar, but there was an upheaval in the family fortunes and I had to take a job.’