Soap Opera Uncensored: Issue 11

SOAP OPERA: UNCENSORED

  Volume 01, Issue 11

  BY NELSON BRANCO

  Copyright 2011 Nelson Branco

  INSIDE NEW YEAR’S SPECIAL ISSUE — “Exclusive” Exit Interview with The Iron Douche, Brian Frons: On Dismantling, Cancelling ABC Daytime! Plus: My Real 2007 Interview With Frons Himself Reprinted — “The Soap-Opera Form Will Be Around For A Long Time!” Exclusive: The Future of Soap Opera Weekly! Is It Folding? Find out! 2012 Fearless Predictions and Previews — Including All My Children! 2012 Star to Watch: Exclusive Molly Burnett Interview! Burnett Sounds Off On DAYS’s Reboot, Venice, A Chill Triangle, Shawn Christian’s departure, and Losing Crystal Chappell! Also: Is She Leaving DAYS? Which Superstar is Retiring? Find out! Next Week’s Preview Cheat Sheet! And every week: Unbelievable Blind Items!

  UNCENSORED MASTHEAD:

  FOUNDER/EDITOR: Nelson Branco

  EDITOR AT LARGE: Denette Wilford

  Follow Soap Opera Uncensored at: @nelliebranco or @SoapUncensored

  NOTE FROM EDITOR/FOUNDER:

  You asked — and it’s happening. For more information on subscribing to daytime’s first weekly e-zine Soap Opera Uncensored, email [email protected]

  6 months: $14.99 (normally $51.74)

  1 Year: $29.99 (normally $103.48)

  UNCENSORED QUOTES OF THE WEEK:

  “And I was happy to be out there! I didn’t really care if I ever acted again so, for me, it was no big deal. Everyone else at One Life and AMC was under gag order and had the fear of God put into them. There was nothing keeping me from telling the truth.”

  —Catherine Hickland spills all once again to TV Guide Magazine

  Translation: It didn’t help that TV Guide Magazine would always print ABC’s spin as truth.

  “When I saw our wonderful viewers being yanked around like that I just couldn't take it anymore. They are the bread and butter of this business, the very reason soaps have remained on the air for decades, and they deserved to know what’s really going on. I guess that was the reason behind my snap, so to speak. I just didn’t have any idea it would be so far reaching and cause such a fuss. I was just saying my thoughts, blogging like I have for ages. I spent a lot of years at One Life being told, ‘Don’t say this. Don’t say that.’ This is America, may I remind everybody. To not be able to speak your mind is very frustrating. If you don’t let your feelings out, that's where sickness lies. I had already moved on. It’s not like I felt anyone owed me a career. It wasn’t about that at all. I just felt that the audience was owed simple respect, something we all owe each other — in business and in life.

  —Hickland in the same kick-ass interview

  Translation: Kiss my ass, ABC Daytime and Lauri Hogan! I know how to run a business with integrity — and profit. Even if I have to hypnotize people to do it!

  “I was very suspicious about the whole thing and wasn’t sure I wanted to do it. I thought I’d be facing a firing squad!

  —Hickland sounds off again

  Translation: But I used Nelson Branco as a shield. See, he can come in handy.

  SOAPILEAKS:

  Sudsy Newsstand Edition: Is Soap Opera Weekly Folding?

  Having trouble finding the latest, juicy copy of one of the two soap opera magazines, which actually features One Life on its cover? With new tab, Reality Weekly — helmed by my former Soap Opera Update/In Touch Weekly editor/mentor, Richard Spencer, and published by American Media Inc, which also licenses Soap Opera Weekly from Source Interlink— debuting on stands this week; readers have been concerned the days of the magazine Mimi Torchin founded are over. Well, don’t fret: Soap Opera Weekly still has a few lives to live; unlike some of the serials they cover. While subscriptions or digital editions for Weekly are not currently available, an AMI source reassures Uncensored everything is fine and Weekly will continue to publish and subs will return soon. Just blame a few licensing logistics, which need to be worked out. Whoohoo!

  SOAP SATIRE:

  THE IRON DOUCHE

  Exclusive Interview with exiting ABC Daytime Prez Brian Frons!

  The soap opera world just became a little safer. In 2012, ABC Daytime President Brian Frons will have finally left his soap opera murdering post after nine years. He came, took nepotism to new lows, dismantled, brought out the proverbial casting couch, killed two soaps on one day, and now is leaving the Mouse House seemingly forever after leaving destruction and mayhem in his wake (he’ll be back at Disney; I’m almost sure of it).

  In a depraved nightmare, Uncensored was granted a rare, no-holds-barred interview with the most hated man in TV. Enjoy.

  Why are you leaving your post?

  I was fir…, er, well, my job here is done. I cancelled AMC and One Life… and GH is on its way. If you know anyone at CBS Daytime, tell them I could easily take care of Y&R and B&B. But I still think our lesbians are cuter. Maybe Denise Vasi could play Lily Winters on Y&R? Denise could possibly be the best actress I’ve ever hired.

  Some think you were fired?

  Me? Fired? Ha! Since we’ve reinvented our daytime line-up, there is no need for a traditional ABC Daytime President anymore. Plus, I’m, like, irreplaceable. Like that chick, you know, the one who plays Viki Something on that show before the best show ever, my brainchild, General Hospital.

  Did you read Susan Lucci’s memoir, All My Life?

  [Laughs] Oh, God, no. I have better things to do with my time — like slashing her salary. What did she say? I had no idea she could write… plus, I don’t read glamour books. She probably had a ghostwriter, right? No one as good as Garin Wolf, I bet! Plus, I only read anything Chuck Pratt writes. He’s my favourite author.

  Lucci blames your “bad decisions” for the cancellations of AMC and One Life, among them the “sub par” writing by your Pine Valley hire Chuck Pratt. She wrote you had “a fatal combination of ignorance and arrogance.” Care to comment?

  Thank you. What can I say? I was blessed from an early age. She’s just mad I never wanted to hit that. If she didn’t like it, well, she could’ve quit. She’s like — what? — 99 years old? No one wants to see that business on TV. She’d be awesome in a Golden Girls remake. But she may be too old.

  Why did you keep hiring hack head writers instead of writers who loved the genre?

  My friends needed jobs. And correction, they’re not hacks. Did you see Chuck Pratt’s wonderful plot-driven work? Brilliant. Especially that tornado! Oscar-worthy, in my opinion. We need pros, not fan boys. That’s what blogs are for.

  Did you think a One Life Todd and Marty rapemance was a storyline women really wanted to watch?

  Of course. The story was about forgiveness. If you can’t love your rapist, who can you love? Like our lesbians, our rapists are just cuter than any of the other networks'. Luke and Laura set the bar very high. Blame Gloria Monty, not me. Why does that old, cranky witch get a free pass? At least, Marty had memory loss. And, apparently, so did Todd/Victor! That story, my little gay, will go down in the soap opera history books — and I’ll expect an apology!

  Fans, critics, and actors despised the Rylee romance on AMC. Why did you keep shoving them down our throats? Did you think showcasing an unpopular front-burner romance was going to attract viewers?

  Ryan and Greenlee are like the greatest couple ever to be on TV. You have a taste issue. Let me guess: You probably liked Bridges of Madison County. I will stand by Rylee forever. Actually, in my youth, I looked a lot like Ryan; and I banged a chick that looked like Becky Budig. Well, before she pressed charges… but that’s another story.

  If modern audiences demand reality and information, as your “research” attests, why did you fire the popular and realistic Kish coupling on One Life, along wit
h various minorities and other social issue storytelling on the soap?

  Gays? Ugh. Why would I, er, women and gay men, who watch soaps, want to see two men fall in love and have sex? That’s what killed As The World Turns and Guiding Light. C’mon, Nellie, you know better. Gay characters killed this business. There were f*gs or d*kes on daytime when we were making lots of cash! Do the math. Talking to Soaps In Depth is so much easier: they just print whatever I say and deny all your scoops. Did you love how I distracted them with that Lorraine Broderick bit? Genius, huh? Suckers. Next question.

  Why do you keep employing publicists with no new ideas, publicists who consistently lie to the press and fans, and refuse to help the media who actually want to provide a forum to promote ABC’s stories, characters and stars?

  Well, that would defeat the point, and my mission, wouldn’t it? Jeesz