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Project L.E.L. (Live – Experience – Learn) - Year 18

Murray Kibblewhite

PROJECT L.E.L.

  LIVE-EXPERIENCE-LEARN

  YEAR 18

  Murray Kibblewhite

  Copyright 2013 by Murray Kibblewhite

  The shouting woke her. As she regained her senses, the vicious sounds smashed into her brain. Pushing back her duvet, she sat up, listening intently to the words.

  ‘You lying pig!” her mother screamed. “You have another woman!” A pause. “Don’t deny it!”

  After a short interval, she heard her father’s muffled reply, “It’s not what it looks like”.

  The weak response only spurred her mother on. “You have been going with her behind my back, you scheming bastard,” she spluttered.

  Shanshan cringed pulling the duvet back over her head, trying to shut out the dreadful sounds. Her parents had been arguing more and more over the past few months, but this was the worst time. She felt sorry for her mother not being able to trust her father. It was a difficult time and she was becoming scared of her father.

  /////

  “Do you want to go inside?” Michael, her male companion gently asked. They were standing in front of the inner Prayer Room within the Buddhist Temple in the Eastern Suburbs.

  “No, it’s OK.” Shanshan felt slightly over awed by the size of the Temple and from the doorway, she watched others light their tapers and skewer them into the sand in front of the large statute of Buddha. Would their prayers be answered?

  “Come this way.” He lightly gripped her arm to lead her down the steps off the veranda onto the pathway into the formal garden. “Let’s go over here!” Shanshan smiled her consent and followed him to a small structure shaded by a palm tree. Looking closely she could read on the brass notice ‘Wishing Well.”

  I must pray for my mother, she thought to herself before her companion’s voice broke into her contemplation. “… for each wish. Do you want go first?”

  Shanshan stared at him with a puzzled look, ‘What do I do for each wish?”

  ‘‘You must repeat the wish three times. Kneel down, say it three times in your head, then ring the bell.” Shanshan nodded, showing she understood and let him direct her to the platform.

  “I suggest a prayer for someone else would be in the Buddhist tradition,” he murmured into her ear as she moved onto the platform.

  It seemed a long moment as Shanshan considered her wish. But her decision had already been made. It had been her only desire since she left China…support her mother; support her separated mother; support her grieving mother.

  /////

  It was a brutal sound…a combination of a slap and a punch that somehow held up in suspense of quietness, for a moment, almost in surprise waiting for the enviable outcome. Then her mother screamed…a howl of fear, pain and anger so intense she had no time to curse him as she sucked in huge breaths of air, waiting for the pain to subside. Locked in her room Shanshan, shrieked in fear as if she had felt the blow herself.

  It had started when her father arrived home very late, drunk again, but this time with lipstick on his cheek. Her mother had challenged him and he had shouted back “it’s none of your business!”

  Realizing the situation, her mother had pushed her away. “Go to you room, Shanshan and lock the door.”

  Cowering on her bed Shanshan thought, Why has he done this? What has made him into such a monster? Why had he hit her mother? Inside her feelings screamed with compassion towards her mother. Was she hurt? Should she open the door and go and help? What would her father do to her?

  Other thoughts ran through her mind as she reviewed the loveless relationship she had with her father. He was never at home, often drunk and never took notice of her. It would have been different if she was a boy. He had said that so many times?

  The argument had raged for over half an hour until her father in a thick slurred voice began to shout in a threatening manner until he hit her.

  “Get out! Get out!” her mother screamed at her father. “Don’t ever come back!”

  /////

  “What did the psychologist say?”

  Shanshan looked up from her coffee, her mouth twisting as she considered her reply. She had asked Michael to meet her as she needed to talk to someone older, and as her first employer in New Zealand, he was like an Uncle to her.

  “Nothing! He said nothing!” She spurted out in a semi snarl.

  “OK! But did he give you some action to take that will help you?” was the pointed reply.

  “He listened, but wants me to find out the answer,” she spat out in contempt. “That’s his job, not mine,” she added, articulating her dilemma.

  “Well, what did he say?” he asked again. “What did he say about the new relationship with your work colleague?” he persisted. “What did he suggest you do?”

  ‘I told him that while I was attracted to him…you know it was great getting his attention,” she mused. “He is always texting me.” Then she sat up straight, looked directly at him and announced, “But I am married so I must give him up!”

  “Yes I know,” Michael agreed, “but he is only an admirer, and all beautiful women have admirers.”

  Overlooking his compliment, Shanshan became aggressive again as she changed subjects and went back to venting her anger on the psychologist. “He thinks my attitude to Peter is an over-compensation of my feelings towards my father…you know, my hatred towards him for abusing mum!”

  She kept looking into her cup. Then she whispered, “He says I have difficulty working with men!”

  /////

  “Shanshan, let me in,” her mother demanded.

  Jumping from her bed, Shanshan quickly reached the door, which she unlocked. Her mother entered holding her face.

  “You’re hurt; he hit you; the monster!” she spat out, closing and locking the door before turning to comfort her sobbing Mother. “Here, let me look,” as Shanshan carefully checked her mother’s face.

  Now after the confrontation had settled down, the fear and shock of hearing the violent argument between her parents had made her somewhat detached. She was angry, but felt cold and remote as she took on the responsibility to help her mother. The sight of her mother in such distress was the final act of her father that tipped her over to let go of her love for him.

  She hated him. She loathed him for the way he had treated her mother. She wanted to attack him, kick him, and beat him until he was whimpering like a beaten dog. Her body tensed and her fists clenched as she stood up, unsure if she should confront him on her own.

  “Don’t do it.” Her mother had read her mind. “Leave it be!”

  “I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!” Sanshan screamed at the door, then crumpled sobbing into her mother’s arms and for a while they held each other tightly as they shared their anger.

  Slowly the tension subsided and Shanshan gradually pulled away. “What is going to happen?” she asked, her voice the plaintive cry of a scared soul.

  ‘You can’t stay here,” her mother said, sounding cold and detached. “You’ll have to go away to finish your education. This situation won’t help you. You have to go away.”

  “I can’t leave you.” Shanshan stared at her mother. ‘I’ll be all right. I will go and live with my sister,” her mother replied. “Maybe you should go overseas.”

  /////

  “I’ve got a new job!” exclaimed Shanshan, proud, confident, and defiant, staring at Michael across the table in the coffee bar.

  “Congratulations. But why change?” he probed.

  “I need more responsibility,” she replied lamely. Should I tell him?

  �
€œOkay,” he replied, “but you would eventually get that where you are working now, so why change?” The gentle persistence of his questioning she knew would carry on until he had ferreted out the truth. The real truth…I can trust him.

  “It’s the only way to get away from,” she spluttered and hesitated, “from Peter.”

  After a long pause, Michael replied, “So he is still hanging around. I thought you were rid of him?”

  Shanshan twisted in her seat, a little embarrassed and whispered, “He sends a text everyday. He is so sweet.” She gushed on, “And he says such wonderful things. I don’t want him to go completely out of my life.”

  “Here in New Zealand we say, ‘You can’t have your cake and eat it too!’” Michael replied. “You realize that he is a persistent admirer. How serious is he? Will he leave his wife for you?”

  Shanshan smiled nervously, “You mean leave his wife and family.” Another long pause, then “No he won’t”

  “So he just wants an affair and you like the attention.” His answer crystallized the situation. “This can never be a win-win situation.”

  “So what shall I do?”

  “You need to recognize that as an attractive woman, you will have many admirers and some are bolder than others.” Michael paused, considering what he could say that would not offend her.”You need to let him go and realize that every person is on their own learning pathway and you can continue to hold to your same path, the one that is dominated by this temptation, or you can forgive him and move on.” He paused again, “It’s not easy, and it means growing by taking a new and higher path.”

  /////

  Temptation is the Universe’s compassionate way of allowing you to run through what would be a harmful, negative karmic dynamic if you were to allow it to become physically manifest.

  The horizontal path is the path that satisfies your personality. A successful business person who accumulates money, or a man who only seeks “one night stands,” or a person who continually holds a grudge, seeks revenge, or can never forgive, only pleases his or her personality. This experience does not serve his or her spiritual growth.

  The vertical path is the path of awareness. It is the path of consciousness and conscious choice. The person who chooses to advance his or her spiritual growth, to cultivate awareness of his or her higher self, is on the vertical path. Learn by forgiving. “The Seat of the Soul,” p. 143 - Gary Zukav

  Your stuck energies force you to be someone who doesn’t exist anymore: The angry child deprived of love, the frightened child who doesn’t feel safe. The past is a false guide to the future, and yet it’s what most of us rely upon. By letting go of stuck energies, you let go of your past.

  Do You Live in Fear? “Care 2 Causes” 01-10-13 - Deepak Chopra

  Disclaimer

  The story is based on real life events that have been told to the author. The names of the characters have been changed to protect their privacy. Any opinions are the author’s unless where quoted and the reference is given.

  Acknowledgements

  Grateful thanks for their help and assistance: -

  Cover – Roseanne Kibblewhite; Graphics – Edder Leyva; Editing – Joan Adamak and Lyndsey Craig; E-Publishing & Blog – Jan Butterworth; Social Media – Blair Kibblewhite; You Tube – Florence Korokoro; Administration – Ying Yu Wang; Consultant – Linda Coles

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