Welcome Home A**hole and Death Waiver - Two Kick A** Stories



  M. E. Esser Presents:

  A New Classic Action Double Feature Vol. 1

 

  Michael E. Esser

  Copyright 2013 Michael E. Esser

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.

  Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  WELCOME HOME ASSHOLE

  BY: MICHAEL E. ESSER

  Neon lights, high stakes poker, and “What Happens Here, Stays Here” slogans are only one side of my hometown.

  This is the side that I have had to leave in my past.

  But now, after all these years, I've come home. I had thought about coming back sooner but I just didn’t.

  As I make my way into my old hangout bar, Mr. D’s, I see several aged, but familiar faces.

  Making my way to an open space at the bar, an unfamiliar bartender sets a napkin down in front of me and pauses.

  “Can I get a Southern Comfort and Coke?"

  She nods and winks.

  One leads to another, then another.

  As the night progresses I begin to feel the effects of the booze and it's only when it's too late that I realize she's mixing some really strong drinks.

  She must be trying to get me drunk.

  Suddenly, there’s several screams outside and in the chaos a women comes rushing into the bar.

  “They’re fighting in the parking lot and they're pulling guns!”

  Everyone around me begins to panic and rushing to back of the bar.

  With what I've seen and survived, a couple of punks in a parking lot won't be anything new. So I make my way to the front door thinking maybe I can help.

  Looking out through a clear slot between an outdated Halloween party poster and an ad sign for a local microbrewery I see who looks like my old buddy Danny. He has a badge on his hip and is disarming a drunken biker while another one lays face down in a pool of blood.

  After cuffing the second guy, Danny pulls a phone from his pocket and makes a call. While he's talking he heads back towards the bar.

  Just as he approaches the front door I kick it open with a smile and open arms.

  "Riot? You son of a bitch! What the hell are you doing here?" Danny shouted in shock.

  I shrug my shoulders as if to say “It's a long story” I embrace my old friend in a bear hug.

  "So you became a cop?" I ask.

  "Yeah, I figured we spent enough time on the other side of the law, that I'd try this side for a while."

  After a half a second of silence we both snicker with a smile.

  Just then, back up arrives when two patrol cars pull into the lot.

  "Let me take care of this and I'll meet you inside." Danny adds as he hands a homemade shank and an old revolver with a duct taped handle to the uniformed officer.

  A few minutes later Danny sits down next to me at the bar.

  "Mandy, can I get a bottle of tequila and two glasses?"

  It's like old times and as we're getting each other caught up on the world we live in nowadays, we begin to get really drunk.

  And the hours pass.

  “What time is it?” I ask.

  “I, uh, don't know? Where's my phone?” Danny mumbles.

  Into the bar walk two very familiar faces from my past. It's my old best friend Eric and his wife Janice.

  An uneasy feeling sets in my stomach.

  “Look who just walked in.” Danny says with a smirk.

  “I'm going to say hello.” I reply trying to pretend to let bygones be bygones.

  As I make my way over to the couple with a smile on my face, and almost in slow motion, I get about 10 feet from them when my feet suddenly become stuck to the floor and I go deaf.

  Confused I look around and see everyone having a good time and nothing else is out of the ordinary.

  “What’s going on?” I mouth.

  Then, as I turn back to Eric and Janice I notice that they have already noticed me and Janice is pissed!

  Eric is trying to hold her back but she’s wants a piece of me in a bad way! Realizing her husband’s not letting her get to me she stops.

  And then it gets worse!

  She calmly makes a threat into her husband’s ear and Eric looks concerned as his eyes widen. He turns and gives me this look of warning as I'm standing there confused, deaf, and stuck to the floor!

  He turns back to his wife, who has now pulled a .38 special out over his right shoulder, and he realizes she is about to take a shot!

  Just as the shots fired, and still in slow motion, my hearing is returned just in time to hear the bullet leave the chamber. Simultaneously my feet are freed just in time for me to duck out of the way of the shot.

  Unfortunately, Danny is standing right behind me.

  The bullet hits Danny in his left shoulder and he falls back bleeding.

  “What the f…!” I yell still stuck in slow-mo.

  Eric turns and warns me, “R…u…n…!”

  As I turn and duck around the other side of the bar and out the front door I see Janice take two more shots at me!

  Outside, everything speeds up almost into overdrive as I run around the back of the bar and into my old neighborhood.

  Once on a familiar dark street I stop running long enough to catch my breath. Not much has changed from the outside.

  Before I can reminisce too long I see a pickup truck barrel around the corner with Janice driving and Eric riding shotgun, with a shotgun!

  As the truck approaches my eyes meet with Eric's and with that look of “I’m sorry my wife’s making me do this!” on his face he takes a shot at me barely missing!

  I dodge being run over and head between two houses to cross over to the next street. Only once on that next street I see they're still in hot pursuit! So I rush across the street and head between two more houses to cross over to the next street after that, but they just keep coming.

  I figured I’ll try to cross over one more block because I knows it’s a cul-de-sac that they can’t get to from the street their on without going around the block. But as I hop the gate between the homes I trip and land flat on his stomach.

  Now nauseous from the impact and a night of drinking I'm slow to lift myself up.

  Then there’s this ferocious growl and a stream of drool dripping down in front of my face as I lift my head up.

  It’s old Mrs. Jones, a.k.a. “the fat ladies”, pit bull Brutus. He's a little grayer, but still as ready as ever to defend his territory.

  Just then, as I smell the dog food on his breathe combined with the sudden impact, I can’t help but to puke all over Brutus!

  This shocks the dog and sends him running long enough for me to hop the next fence into the cul-de-sac.

  I start banging on doors. One then another, but no one answers. That's probably because it's 3:30 am!

  As I approach the third door the wind chimes on the front porch sound their last chime as Eric takes another shot at me and blows them to pieces!

  Startled and trapped I make my way out into the street to plea.

  “Come on Janice! How can you still be mad at me? I’m sorry!”

  Janice, blinded with rage, turns to her husband who's now looking at her to see if she’s calming down. Unfortunately when their eyes meet she gives him the same “look” angry wives have given their husbands for centuries.

  Eric turns back to me with a pause and a look as if to say, “I’m sorry too” and with no warning fires another shot.

  The shot hit’s the ground next to me and Eric has to reload. Without hesitation I force them to make an awkward U-turn when I bolt pass
the truck, down the street, and over a hedge landing in the parking garage of the small local casino on the other side.

  Realizing where I am, I beginning to feel sort of safe as I dust myself off and makes my way towards the casino.

  But, before I can get to the elevator the sound of tires screeching fills the garage.

  A look of what I imagine to be described as “oh shit” comes over my face as I frantically rush towards the elevator slamming the call button repeatedly.

  But the door never opens!

  The screeching is getting louder and closer so I have to abandon the elevator and makes my way to the top floor of the garage where I have nowhere to hide!

  The truck creeps up the ramp and onto the top floor. Janice’s hair is standing up on its end and Eric’s hanging out the window, shotgun in hand!

  Finally, with a feeling of success in her eyes she floors the trucks accelerator and heads straight for me. Not even taking the time to go around the speed bumps or even the parking stumps, just straight for me!

  Just as they almost reach me and between her speed, the bumps and stumps, and Eric’s hanging out the window she loses control and slams into the wall and Eric drops the gun!

  I, breathing a sudden sigh of relief, rush over and grab the gun as the two pour out of the truck frazzled and shaken up.

  Eric rushes around the truck to help his fallen bride up after he notices I've got the gun.

  I cock the shotgun ready to fire and aims it at the two.

  “All I did was hang out with your husband! I didn’t make him do all those drugs, I didn’t make him miss your wedding, I didn’t make him knock up both of those strippers! I just hung with him! And for that you hunt me down? I don‘t do drugs anymore, I went to college, and I came home to do something new! And here you try to kill me on my first night back?!”

  Janice’s cold glare hasn’t changed as she reaches into her waistband to retrieve her .38 special.

  “Don’t do it!” I exclaim, “Don’t you do it!”

  We both raise our weapons at each other. Eric who had been cowering behind his wife now has put his hands up and backed away.

  I fire first hitting her in the stomach, and the forehead?

  I turn and see a bleeding Danny standing with a backup patrol car and a smoking gun.

  I crouch down to one knee with relief that the chase is over.

  “You okay?” Danny asks.

  “Yeah. What about you?” I reply.

  “I’ll live.” Danny says.

  I, turn to Eric and asks, “How about you?”

  Eric, realizing all that’s just happened, slowly replies,

  “I’ve…never…been…better! You know I had to...”

  "Don't sweat it, I know." I reply.

  "Welcome home asshole!" Danny grunts with a little pain in his voice.

  One by one we all begin to laugh.

  Michael E. Esser Presents

  An Action Double Feature

  Death Waiver

  Written by: Michael E. Esser

  Copyright 2013 Michael E. Esser

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.

  Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  Chapter One

  A Bad Man

  Whap, whap. The sound echoes through the gym as enormous fists smash into a tattered heavy bag causing it to bust open on impact. An elderly reporter dressed in a golden yellow sports coat hunched over a microphone staring into a camera.

  “Bob Leisure here at Pops Gym out in sunny Las Vegas, Nevada with the man recently banned from mixed martial arts competition, Vader Cruz.”

  Vader, a bald scruffy faced giant of a man, has made his way over to Bob and now stands huffing heavily unconcerned about the camera and staring off coldly past the reporter.

  “Cruz, what do you think about the MMA’s decision to ban you from competition for what they say is ‘far too lethal punch’ that’s already claimed two fighters’ lives in the ring and maimed another during a sparring session?”

  Shaking a little from age, Bob stretches out his arm to put the microphone up to the menacing man’s face. Silence, then Vader stares straight into the camera.

  “All you fighters out there are acting like a bunch of scared little girls worried because you know I’m your worst nightmare. I’m your retirement. Well, I hope you hear this.”

  He’s grabs the microphone from Bob and is now nose-to-lens with the camera.

  “If any of you punks got any balls, get your sorry ass bosses to let you sign a Death Waiver and then meet me in the ring. You feel me. Then, you can get knocked out for good.”

  He drops the microphone and turns to leave. Just as he’s almost out of the gym he swings and breaks a speed bag off its mount.

  “What an asshole.” Mumbles Bob.

  Chapter Two

  Not Your Average Joe

  The crowd inside the casinos sportsbook is at a murmur after the airing of Vader’s interview. In the center of all of the commotion sits an extremely large sumo wrestler by the name of “Shamu Joe”. Sitting with him is Dan Groan, CEO of the Mixed Martial Arts Association.

  “I’d like you to take this animal on,” Dan says leaning into Shamu, “You’re the only one I can think of that’s big enough to possibly take a punch from this guy and not die.”

  “I understand, but, a death waivers a pretty big deal. What about my purse?” Shamu asks.

  “What would you like?”

  “A Million Dollars.”

  “You got it.” Dan instantly replies stretching out his hand to seal the deal.

  Grinning, Shamu grabs Dan’s hand with his enormous paw and almost shakes him out of his seat. In the background, at that exact moment, the entrance door to the casino swings open.

  Almost instantly everything in sight goes into slow motion and in steps Johnny Paine. Paine’s a wide, stocky man not too tall but aggressively dressed in all black from his biker boots and jeans up to his t-shirt and shades.

  Inside Johnny doesn’t need his sunglasses so he pulls them off. Just as he does he locks eyes with Shamu. Shamu’s eyes widen almost as wide as he is as soon as he realizes who just entered.

  “Paine.” he whispers.

  “Who?” Dan says turning confused.

  Shamu wobbles to his feet and heads for an opposite exit on the other side of the casino. Paine leaps the railing between the casino and sportsbook and then around the crowd to head off the fleeing Shamu.

  Just as Shamu breaks from the crowd he’s met with an NFL style, head on, full speed tackle that surprisingly knocks the wind out of him. Johnny now standing over a gasping Shamu shakes his head.

  “You owe big Joe.”

  “Yeah I know. But, I just got a big fight for big bucks. Tell Mickey Balls I can pay them back everything with this one!”

  “You're gonna have to tell them yourself. I’m not your messenger.”

  Paine helps Shamu to his feet. Just as Shamu’s got his balance he takes a hard swing at the thick chin of Johnny Paine. Paine absorbs the shot with just a half a step back. MMA CEO Dan Groan’s eyes light up. He’s never seen anyone take a shot like that and barely budge.

  Smiling, Paine shakes his head as if to say, “You shouldn’t have done that.” He reaches down and releases an uppercut that literally lifts Shamu’s massive body horizontally before it slams to the ground with earthquake like force. Just as Paine goes to pick up the unconscious 400 pound man fireman style the MMA CEO introduces himself.

  “I see why they call you Pain. My names Dan Groans and I’m the CEO of the Mixed Martial Arts Association.”

  “Yeah, so?” Johnny questions.

  “So? So, I have a need for a man like you. You see this guy’s causing my industry a world of headache and I can’t find anyone to stop him.”

  Pointing up to the giant wall of flat panel big screen TV’s that are all ablaze with Vader Cruz’s face.

  He continues, “That was until I saw you in action. It
took you all of 15 seconds to finish off the last guy I asked to help me with this.”

  “Sorry I’m not interested.” Paine answers.

  “You’re not interested in a million dollars?” Dan questions.

  Paine’s eyes lock on Dan’s.

  “You’re serious?” asks Paine.

  “Yeah, call me tomorrow.” he replied handing Johnny his business card.

  Paine proceeds to fireman carry Shamu out of the building.

  Chapter Three

  Family Paine

  Paine’s Black F-150 pulls up to the University Medical Center. Shamu’s massive body is stretched out in the bed.