Would it help if I organized a work stoppage in protest?
Nad
To: Nadine Wilcock <nadine.wilcock@thenyjournal.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: My suspension
Now, now, it won’t be that bad. I’m sort of looking forward to it. I haven’t had any time off in a quite a while. It will give Paco and me a chance to bond again. And God knows I haven’t visited Mrs. Friedlander in the hospital for ages and ages. Not that she’s noticed, I’m sure, but still, I feel guilty about it…even if it does turn out she’s not going to be my aunt-in-law.
Really, don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Honest.
Mel
To: Don and Beverly Fuller <DonBev@dnr.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Hi!
I was just wondering if you knew if there were any openings at the Duane County Register. You mentioned once that you thought Mabel Fleming would be interested in hiring me as their Arts and Entertainment writer. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m really sick of the city and would like to come home for a while. Could you let me know if Mabel still needs someone?
Thanks.
Mel
P.S.: Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Really.
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: Don and Beverly Fuller <DonBev@dnr.com>
Subject: Honey, do you mean it?
You’re really thinking about coming home?
Oh, Daddy and I just couldn’t be more delighted. I mean, it was all well and good for you to go to the big city and try to prove yourself, but the fact is, you’ve done that. Now it’s time for you to think about settling down, and Daddy and I are just tickled pink that you want to do it back here in good old Lansing.
And I don’t want you to think we aren’t cosmopolitan, because you know just the other day they opened up a Wal-Mart! Can you believe that? A Wal-Mart, right here in Lansing.
Anyway, good news: I called Mabel up right away and asked her if she still needed an Arts and Entertainment writer, and she said, “Heck, yeah!” The job is yours, if you want it. The pay’s not much—only $12,000 a year. But, honey, if you lived at home, you could just save all that, and then use it as a down payment on your own house when you finally do get married.
Oh, I am just pleased as punch. Do you want Daddy and me to drive out and pick you up? Dr. Greenblatt said we could use his minivan to haul all your things back in. Wasn’t that nice?
You just let me know when you want to come home, and we’ll come get you lickety-split!
Oh, honey, we love you so much, and can’t wait to see you!
Mommy and Daddy
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: Nadine Wilcock <nadine.wilcock@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Are you sure
you’re all right? You just didn’t seem yourself last night. I mean, I know you aren’t too thrilled with this suspension thing, and the whole John thing still has you down….
But you seemed more out of it than usual at the fittings yesterday. It’s not because you totally hate your dress, is it? Because it’s not too late to pick out new ones….
Missing you,
Nad
To: Nadine Wilcock <nadine.wilcock@thenyjournal.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Are you kidding?
Everything’s great. Today I took a two-hour bubble bath, then watched Rosie and did my nails and took Paco out, then gave myself a pedicure, and watched the afternoon movie, then took Paco out, and read the entire September Vogue (all 1,600 pages) and ate a box of Ring Dings and took Paco out….
I’m having a blast!
But thanks for asking.
Mel
P.S.: Did any flowers come from John today?
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: Nadine Wilcock <nadine.wilcock@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: No flowers
came from John today. Remember? You called the florist he uses and told them you were going to sue for harassment if they didn’t stop.
Mel, why don’t you just call him? Don’t you think this has gone on long enough? I mean, the guy’s obviously crazy about you—or at least he was, until that whole millionaire stunt. I really think the two of you make a cute couple. Can’t you give it another try?
Nad
To: Nadine Wilcock <nadine.wilcock@thenyjournal.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Wait a minute
YOU were the one who said you suspected all along there was something that wasn’t right about him. And now you want me to CALL him? You want ME to call HIM??? After what he did???
NO WAY!!!
My God, Nadine: I was writing Mrs. Melissa Friedlander all over everything, thinking he and I were going to spend the rest of our lives together. And then I find out that isn’t even his real name, and you want me to CALL HIM???
What is wrong with you? PMS, or something?
Well, snap out of it. I am NEVER calling him. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.
Mel
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: Nadine Wilcock <nadine.wilcock@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: All right
already. I get the message. Geesh. Forgive me for even suggesting it.
Nad
To: Tony Salerno <foodie@fresche.com>
From: Nadine Wilcock <nadine.wilcock@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: My maid of honor
is a basket case. What am I going to do?
Nad
To: Nadine Wilcock <nadine.wilcock@thenyjournal.com>
From: Tony Salerno <foodie@fresche.com>
Subject: Obviously
you invite John to the wedding.
Seriously. The minute she sees him, she’ll melt.
At least that’s what always happens in the movies.
Tony
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
Subject: Keys
Yes, it’s me. The real Max Friedlander this time. I am coming back to New York and I need the keys to my aunt’s place. I understand that you had the locks changed and are holding all the keys. Can you please give one to the doorman so he can let me in tomorrow?
Sincerely,
Max Friedlander
To: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Keys
How do I know this is the REAL Max Friedlander? How do I know you aren’t an impostor, like the last Max Friedlander I met?
Mel Fuller
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
Subject: Keys
Because if you do not make the keys to my aunt’s apartment available to me, I will sue you.
Understand?
Cordially,
Max Friedlander
To: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Keys
Fine. I’ll make sure the doorman gets a key for you.
Might I ask what you intend to do about Paco and the cats?
Mel Fuller
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
Subject: Keys
Give ALL the keys you have to the doorman. I intend to move into my aunt’s apartment for the time being, so I will be caring for Paco and the cats. Your services, though appreciated, are no longer needed, thank you very much.
Max Friedlander
To: Max Fri
edlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Keys
Don’t worry. When your aunt wakes up, I’ll be sure to tell her all about your “gratitude.” And about how you rushed to her side in her time of need.
You know, there’s a name for people like you, only I’m too polite to write it here.
Mel Fuller
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
Subject: Keys
You can tell my aunt whatever you want. Because I got news for you, lady:
She ain’t waking up.
Your friend,
Max Friedlander
To: John Trent <john.trent@thenychronicle.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Your friend Max
is the most despicable human being on the planet, and how you could ever have done him a favor is beyond me.
I just wanted you to know that.
Mel
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: John Trent <john.trent@thenychronicle.com>
Subject: Does the fact that you are
writing to me again mean that you have forgiven me?
I have been leaving messages for you at work, but they say you haven’t been there all week. Are you sick again or something? Is there anything I can do to help?
John
To: John Trent <john.trent@thenychronicle.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Max Friedlander
>Does the fact that you are writing to me again mean that you have forgiven me?
No.
>I have been leaving messages for you at work, but they say you haven’t been there all week. Are you sick again, or something?
That’s because I got suspended. Not that it’s any of your business.
Max is moving into his aunt’s apartment. I just saw him in the hallway.
I can’t believe you two were ever friends. He is the rudest individual I have ever had the misfortune to meet.
Wait a minute. Strike that. The two of you deserve each other.
Mel
To: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
From: John Trent <john.trent@thenychronicle.com>
Subject: Mel
So I hear you’re back in the city, and living in your aunt’s apartment.
That’s great. Just great.
Just one thing: if I hear one word from Mel about you mis-treating her in any way, I will come down on you like a ton of bricks. I am serious about this, Max. I have friends with the NYPD who would gladly look the other way while I pummeled the life out of you. That whole thing on Page Ten about you and Vivica—that was my fault, not Mel’s. So don’t try any funny business, I’m warning you, or you’ll regret it.
John
To: John Trent <john.trent@thenychronicle.com>
From: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
Subject: Mel
What thing on Page Ten about me and Vivica? What are you talking about?
And why are you still so hostile? I mean, the girl’s good-looking enough, I guess, if you like the type, but nothing to write home about.
Boy, you sure aren’t as fun as you used to be.
Max
P.S.: Are they hiring photographers over there at the Chronicle? Because I have to tell you, I could really use the work.
To: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
From: Vivica@sophisticate.com
Subject: Our wedding
MAXIE!!!
I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE RUNWAY SHOWS IN MILAN, AND SOMEBODY SHOWED ME THAT ARTICLE ABOUT YOU AND ME THAT WAS IN THE PAPER!!! IS IT TRUE??? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO MARRY ME???
WHERE ARE YOU??? I’VE BEEN CALLING ALL THE OLD NUMBERS, BUT THEY SAY THEY ARE DISCONNECTED. FINALLY DEIRDRE GOT ME THIS E-MAIL ACCOUNT SO I COULD TRY WRITING TO YOU. I HOPE YOU GET THIS BECAUSE I REALLY WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT HAPPENED IN KEY WEST AND I REALLY, REALLY HOPE IT’S TRUE WHAT IT SAID IN THE PAPER!!!
LOVE,
VIVICA
To: Sebastian Leandro <sleandro@hotphotos.com>
From: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
has been going on around here since I’ve been gone? What is this Page Ten? And why does Vivica think I want to marry her?
I swear, I leave the city for a few months and everyone goes mental.
Max
To: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
From: Sebastian Leandro <sleandro@hotphotos.com>
Subject: Sorry to be the one to break it to you
but a story ran on Page Ten, which is the New York Journal’s gossip column, that you had proposed to Vivica, and were eager to start a family with her.
Please do not shoot the messenger.
Sebastian
To: Vivica@sophisticate.com
From: Max Friedlander <photoguy@stopthepresses.com>
Subject: Our wedding
Contrary to what you might have read in that piece of trash that some people in this town call a newspaper, I do not now nor have I ever harbored any desire to marry you.
My God, Vivica, it’s because of you that I am living in this state of near poverty! Only a fool would marry you. Or a guy with so much money it didn’t matter how many damned driftwood dolphins you bought.
Why don’t you try giving Donald Trump a call? I bet he’d take you back.
Max
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: Vivica@sophisticates.com
Subject: MAX FRIEDLANDER
Dear MS. FULLER,
HI. YOU PROBABLY DON’T REMEMBER ME. I’M THE ONE WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT MAX AND HIS FRIEND PLAYING THAT TRICK ON YOU.
ANYWAY, A FRIEND OF MINE SHOWED ME AN ARTICLE YOU WROTE THAT SAYS MAX WANTS TO MARRY ME. BUT I JUST ASKED MAX ABOUT IT, AND HE SAYS HE DOESN’T. WANT TO MARRY ME, THAT IS. EVEN THOUGH THAT’S WHAT I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. TO BE MARRIED TO MAX, I MEAN.
SO I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD TELL ME HOW YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT BECAUSE I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO KNOW.
I HAVE TRIED CALLING YOUR OFFICE AND LEAVING MESSAGES, BUT THEY SAID YOU WERE OUT FOR A WHILE. I HOPE YOU ARE NOT SICK OR SOMETHING. I HATE BEING SICK. WHEN I AM SICK THEY HAVE TO POSTPONE MY SHOOTS, AND THEN EVERYTHING GETS WAY BACKED UP.
SINCERELY,
VIVICA
To: Nadine Wilcock <nadine.wilcock@thenyjournal.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Models
Okay, for the first time, I actually feel bad about writing that fake engagement announcement of Max Friedlander’s. Not because of anything to do with him, of course, but because Vivica just e-mailed me, and asked me if it was true. It seems that more than anything else in the world, Vivica would like to be Mrs. Vivica Friedlander.
I can’t believe I did something so stupid. Now I have to write back to her and tell her I made the whole thing up to get back at Max (and John). Her feelings are going to be hurt, and it’s going to be my fault.
I deserve to be suspended for the rest of my life.
Mel
To: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
From: Dolly Vargas<dolly.vargas@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Models
Darling, Nadine tells me you’re feeling bad about that little contretemps with your column. She says you’re actually worried that you might have hurt that supermodel’s feelings!
Oh, sweetie, I have to tell you, I laughed until I cried when I heard that one. What a delight you are. We positively miss you around the office, you know. Why, since you’ve been gone, no one has uttered a single word about Winona Ryder, her legal problems, or her new film.
Mel, sweetheart, supermodels don
’t have feelings. How can I be so certain of this? Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret: My first fiancé left me for one. Really. I know you never even knew I was engaged, but I have been, several times. It would never have worked out, because of course he was a royal—I mean, can you imagine me attending state dinners and all of that?—but I was desperately in love with him. Or at least with the possibility of his inheriting the crown someday.
But lo and behold, he was introduced to a supermodel—who also happened to be my best friend, and who knew good and well how I felt about him. Or his crown, anyway. And what do you think happened? Why, she snapped him right out from under me, of course.
Not that I suffered for long. His father forbade the match, and we all moved on.
Still, I learned then: Supermodels have no body hair, no cellulite, and no feelings whatsoever.
So let your conscience rest easy, sugar. She doesn’t feel a thing!
XXXOOO
Dolly
To: Dolly Vargas<dolly.vargas@thenyjournal.com>
From: Mel Fuller <melissa.fuller@thenyjournal.com>
Subject: Models
Um, thanks for that advice about supermodels…I think. It was very enlightening. I guess. But if it’s all the same to you, I’ll just treat Vivica the way I would anybody else…meaning that I’m going to go on the assumption that she does have some feelings.
Thanks anyway, and say to hi everyone for me.
Mel
P.S.: I hope you aren’t still going out with Peter. He’s the one who put me on suspension, you know. I know it’s asking a lot, but if you are still going out with him, could you at least refrain from having sex with him until I get back? I really think it would be the least you could do.