Samuel Blink and the Forbidden Forest

  Samuel Blink

  and the

  Forbidden Forest

  Samuel Blink

  and the

  Forbidden Forest

  MATT HAIG

  G. P. Putnam’s Sons

  G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS

  A division of Penguin Young Readers Group.

  Published by The Penguin Group.

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014, U.S.A. Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.). Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England. Penguin Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.). Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd). Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi-110 017, India. Penguin Group (NZ), Cnr Airborne and Rosedale Roads, Albany, Auckland 1310, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd). Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa. Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England.

  Copyright © 2007 by Matt Haig.

  All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher.

  First American edition published in 2007 by G. P. Putnam’s Sons, a division of Penguin Young Readers Group, 345 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014. G. P. Putnam’s Sons, Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Haig, Matt, 1975–

  Samuel Blink and the forbidden forest / Matt Haig. p. cm.

  Summary: Accompanied by his aunt’s Norwegian elkhound, Ibsen, twelve-year-old Samuel ventures into a weird forest filled with strange and dangerous creatures to rescue his younger sister, Martha, who has been mute since their parents’ recent death.

  [1. Brothers and sisters—Fiction. 2. Magic—Fiction. 3. Imaginary creatures—Fiction. 4. Norwegian elkhound—Fiction. 5. Dogs—Fiction. 6. Orphans—Fiction. 7. Norway—Fiction.] I. Title. PZ7.H12597Sam 2007 [Fic]—dc22 2006024827

  ISBN: 978-1-1012-0067-4

  For Andrea

  CONTENTS

  Note from Professor Tanglewood

  The humans and other creatures you will meet in this book

  Part I

  On the Way to the Really Big Surprise

  Aunt Eda

  The Yes-No Girl

  The Tale of Old Tor

  The Conversation between Aunt Eda and Oskar (That Samuel and Martha Couldn’t Understand)

  The Unmentionable Place

  Rudolph Soup

  The Rules

  The Huldre-folk

  The Cat with Two Collars

  The Flight of the Shadow Witch

  In the Kitchen

  The Story of What Happened to Uncle Henrik

  The Creatures of Shadow Forest

  Night Songs

  Five Slices of Brown Cheese

  The Tea Chest

  The Fascinating Darkness

  Martha Goes Missing

  Running Up the Hill

  Part II

  The Feather Pit

  The Scream

  The Sneeze

  Prison Songs

  Rising Smoke

  The Village

  A Rude Interruption from the Author

  The White Bracelet

  Troll-the-Left and Troll-the-Right

  Golden Circles and Heavy Shadows

  Icicle Tears

  The Magical Smell

  The Truth Pixie

  A Few Factualities

  The Questions Samuel Asked the Truth Pixie and the Answers He Received

  The Tightrope Walker

  Another Rude Interruption from the Author

  The Tragedy and Triumph of Professor Horatio Tanglewood

  The Thirteen Horrible Things That Happened in the Life of Professor Horatio Tanglewood before He Became Evil and Called Himself the Changemaker

  The Wagon

  A Resting Place

  The Open Door

  A Troll’s House

  The Truth about Humans

  The Flaking Moon

  The Stubborn Spoon

  The Triumphant Tomtegubb (and the Heroic Human)

  Grentul’s Reward

  How Professor Tanglewood Met the Shadow Witch

  The Saddest Sight the Shadow Witch Had Ever Seen

  The Changes

  Inside the Sack

  The Servants of Thubula

  Digging the Tunnel

  The Miracle

  Part III

  The Elkhound’s Return

  The Boy Who Just about Knew He Was Samuel

  The Sister Bird

  Inside the Book

  The Waking Forest

  The Return of Uncle Henrik

  There is a place you must never enter. It is a place where evil has many faces, and where creatures of myth and legend live and breathe. And kill. It is a place beyond dreams or nightmares—a place that has so far been too feared to be called anything at all. Now, in this book, I will explain the unexplained, and give fear a name that suits it well. That name shall be Shadow Forest, and it will plant terror in your hearts.

  —Professor Horatio Tanglewood

  The humans and other creatures you will meet in this book

  THE HUMANS

  Samuel Blink—A twelve-year-old boy, with worse luck than most, who has never considered himself to be a hero. Which is a shame, as he’d really make quite a good one.

  Martha Blink—Samuel’s younger sister, who thinks she’s in a musical. She’s not. She’s in the back of her parents’ car singing annoying songs in Samuel’s ear. Well, it is her birthday.

  Liv Blink—Mother of Martha and Samuel. Thinks Martha’s singing isn’t annoying at all, unlike her husband’s driving.

  Peter Blink—Father of Martha and Samuel. Angry driver. Going to be lucky if he makes it through the first chapter.

  The Norwegians:

  Aunt Eda—Liv Blink’s Norwegian sister. Samuel and Martha Blink’s aunt. Former Olympic javelin thrower. Owner of a happiness lamp, ten pairs of long johns, a house near Shadow Forest, and a hairy chin. She misses her husband, Uncle Henrik, who disappeared in the forest ten years ago.

  Uncle Henrik—Ssssh! Don’t mention Uncle Henrik when Aunt Eda’s around. She’ll probably start crying.

  Oskar—A grocer in the village of Flåm, with a soft spot for bow ties and tall women (especially Aunt Eda).

  Fredrick—Oskar’s son, who likes to play on his calculator. Don’t worry too much about him—he’s only in two chapters.

  Old Tor—He’s old. And…er…he’s called Tor. He paints pictures of mountains and fjords. And the occasional two-headed troll.

  Other Humans:

  Professor Horatio Tanglewood (aka the Changemaker)—An evil Englishman who lives in a wooden palace in the middle of Shadow Forest, which he rules under the name of the Changemaker. He wrote a book called The Creatures of Shadow Forest and keeps the pickled heads of his enemies in jars. His favorite music in the world is the
sound of a child screaming. He is currently working on his autobiography.

  The author—Goes by the rather boring name of “Matt Haig,” although he was in fact christened Zerebubul Osrich Winterbottom the Third. He rudely interrupts the story on two occasions, just when you’re getting into it. He once bumped into Professor Horatio Tanglewood in his local library. The Professor asked to borrow his pen but never gave it back.

  The Dog:

  Ibsen—A Norwegian elkhound, owned by Aunt Eda. Loves brown cheese, sleep, and human children. Hates the forest.

  THE CREATURES OF SHADOW FOREST

  The Witches:

  The Shadow Witch—Uses the power of shadows to transform herself and other forest dwellers. Lives with her master, Professor Horatio Tanglewood, in his wooden palace. She breathes shadow clouds, and usually turns herself into a cat when she leaves the forest.

  The Snow Witch—The Shadow Witch’s sister, who used to cast weather spells. Currently in an underground prison with weakened powers, she faces certain death. She has known better times.

  Huldres:

  Vjpp—A thoroughly cruel prison guard who, like all huldres, fears daylight and lives underground. In case you’re wondering how to pronounce his name, you can’t. It’s impossible.

  Grentul—A slightly less cruel prison guard who is extremely loyal to Professor Tanglewood (known to huldres as the Changemaker). He dreams of the old days, when huldres weren’t scared of the sun.

  Trolls:

  Troll-the-Left and Troll-the-Right—Two heads of the same troll, who hate each other’s guts (which, technically speaking, they share).

  Troll-Father, Troll-Mother, Troll-Son, Troll-Daughter—A friendly family of trolls who have only one eye among them.

  Other Creatures:

  The Tomtegubb—A golden, barrel-shaped creature who wears bright-colored clothes and sings happy tunes, even when he knows there is nothing to be happy about.

  The Truth Pixie—A pixie living in a log cabin on the Eastern region of Shadow Forest who poisons passing visitors and finds it impossible to lie. (If he invites you to dinner, have a good excuse ready.)

  The Slemp—A giant furry creature, combining the physical aspects of a bear and a lion, with a belly comfier than any pillow. He spends most of his life asleep, dreaming of berries. Can gobble a human head in one bite.

  Gray-Tail the Rabbit—An old rabbit who has convinced the others in his pen that Thubula, the rabbit God, is going to save them all. In fact, they’re probably going to end up in a troll casserole.

  Calooshes—Even more stupid than rabbits, Calooshes are tall, three-headed birds who run around the forest squawking and falling into holes.

  Part I

  On the Way to the Really Big Surprise

  The tree trunks lying on the back of the truck were stacked up like a pyramid, and fastened with three gray straps. One of the straps was a bit too loose and caused the trunks to vibrate as if they were restless, or as if they were trying to escape and make it back to the forest.

  The truck overtook the car at a reckless speed.

  “Have you seen anything like it?” Samuel’s dad, Peter, was saying. “What a maniac!”

  Samuel’s dad thought every driver apart from himself was a maniac, and truck drivers were the biggest maniacs of the lot.

  “Great,” he said as the giant vehicle began to slow down, hogging both lanes. “Now we’ll never get there.”

  “There’s no hurry,” said Samuel’s mum, who was called Liv.

  Samuel didn’t know where they were going, but he knew he didn’t want to spend another minute having to listen to his sister’s singing. Well, singing was hardly the word for it. Cat-strangling was a more accurate description of the sound.

  “Mum, tell Martha to stop making that horrible noise.”

  His mum tutted. “It’s not horrible noise. It’s beautiful singing.”

  This was a lie. One of the million parent lies Samuel had grown used to during his twelve years on the planet. But he knew he wouldn’t get any support today. After all, it was Martha’s birthday—a fact indicated by the two pins on her sweater saying I AM 10 and 10 TODAY.

  The singing got louder. Samuel’s head vibrated like the logs as he rested it against the car window, and stared out at the fast blur of grass on the side of the motorway.

  “Dad,” he said, asking the second-in-command parent. “Tell Martha.”

  His dad ignored him. He was too busy grumbling. “This is ridiculous! Why bother passing us if you’re going to then go slower?!”

  Martha twisted around in her seat belt and sang really loud in Samuel’s ear:

  “I’m your baby girl,

  And you could be my world—”

  Ugh! Samuel thought he was going to be sick. He hated his sister’s singing at the best of times, but especially when he was tired. He’d only had two hours’ sleep the night before, because he was having his usual nightmare. A nightmare about strange gray-skinned monsters with tails and eyes that never blinked. He’d woken in a cold sweat and couldn’t get back to sleep.

  “They should make murderers have to listen to you as punishment,” he told Martha.

  “Shut up, Smell-uel. You’re just jealous.”

  And then she started again, singing bits of silly girly love songs. He knew she would sing all day. After all, she sang every day. It was like Martha’s whole life was one big long song. As if she was trapped in one of those rubbish musicals she always watched on TV.

  Samuel went back to looking out of the window and prayed for Martha to be quiet.

  Quiet as a log.

  Even when she said something normal, she turned it into a song, going high and low to make each word a different note.

  So instead of just asking, “Where are we going?,” she sang:

  To which their mum said, “You don’t want us to spoil the big surprise, do you?”

  “Yes,” sang Martha.

  “Well, you’ll find out soon,” said her mum.

  “Not if we stay stuck behind this truck,” said her dad.

  Samuel wondered what the big surprise was going to be. He hoped it was a trip to a theme park, like it had been for his last birthday. A loop-the-loop roller coaster would stop Martha singing, if only for a short while. He had gone on a ride with his dad called the Catapult that went so fast you couldn’t move your face. Samuel had loved every high-speed second of it, and his dad had pretended to feel the same way until he had to rush to the toilet and throw up his lunch (parent lie number 910,682).

  But Samuel suspected that the big surprise was going to be something far more boring than a theme park. He thought of all the rubbish things Martha liked doing.

  Horse-riding…

  Doing hairstyles…

  Spending her pocket money on rubbish music…

  Listening to rubbish music…

  Singing rubbish music…

  So Samuel had, on the basis of Martha’s interests, narrowed the options down to a day trotting on a horse, watching his sister have her hair cut at a posh hairdressers, or—worst-case scenario—going to see a musical. Possibly even a musical about a hairdresser who becomes a show-jumper and sings to her horse.

  Samuel smiled at the unique version of hell he had created in his mind.

  Beeeeep!

  The daydream of people singing on horses ended with the sound of his dad blasting the car horn at the truck.

  “This is ludicrous,” his dad said, switching on the turn signal.

  “Peter, what are you doing?” his mum asked.

  “I’m turning off. We’ll be on this road all day if we stay behind this timber truck. And have you seen the way those logs are strapped up? It’s an accident waiting to happen.”

  “But we don’t know the roads.”

  “We’ve got a map. In the dashboard.”

  Uh-oh.

  Samuel and Martha knew what the map meant. It meant their mum and dad having a massive row for an hour, arguing about where they should have
turned left.

  “Okay,” said their mum. “We need the B642. Kids, look out for the B642.”

  “B642,” sang Martha.

  The car went round a roundabout three times, until Samuel spotted the B642, hiding in brackets on a small green road sign.

  “There it is,” he said.

  The car turned off the roundabout, and within five minutes, the map had managed to create the usual left-turn row. Samuel kept staring out of the window and the birthday girl kept singing as their mum and dad’s argument took root and began to grow.

  “Left.”

  “What?”

  “Too late. We should have turned left back there.”

  “You could have told me. You’re the one with the map.”

  “I did tell you.”

  “Well, you could have told me before we reached the flaming turnoff.”

  “It’s this stupid old map. It’s too hard to read.”