Diary of a Nerd King #2: Episode 1 - Karate, Bears, and Looking Like a Girl
Matt Ballard
Diary of a Nerd King
“Karate, Bears, and Looking Like a Girl”
Season 2 – Episode 201
Written and Illustrated by
Matt Ballard
With Special Guest Artist Illustrations by
Kayla Byers
© Copyright Matt Ballard 2011
All rights reserved.
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(ALSO REFERRED TO AS SEASON 1)
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Monday
I went to Boogie's karate class this evening to check it out.
Boogie's been really liking it, and he never stops talking about it, so I figured I should go see what all the fuss is about.
It was pretty cool actually. Everyone wears these neat costumes which Boogie says are called a Gi.
Boogie actually got pretty annoyed with me for calling them costumes. After the third time I did it, I thought he was gonna karate chop me, so I stopped.
Anyways, everyone was wearing these Gi's, and some were white, some were black, and I even saw a few red ones. Boogie says it's not the color of the Gi that's important, but the color of the belt.
Black belts are the most deadly, and the people wearing those have pretty wicked awesome karate skills according to Boogie. I've actually heard about black belts on tv and in movies, so I knew Boogie wasn't just pulling my leg.
What I didn't know is that some of the other colors are almost as deadly. Brown is the next deadliest after black. Purple is before brown. Green is before purple. Yellow is before green. Orange is before yellow, and red is before orange.(1)
Kinda confusing I know, but if you're ever about to get attacked by a bunch of karate dudes, you might wanna remember the order of the colors because it'll help you know who to run faster from.
Personally, if I'm getting attacked by a bunch of karate dudes, I plan on letting Boogie handle it now that he's a karate dude himself. Of course, Boogie is just a red belt right now, so I'll probably let him handle it and run as fast as I can while he's handling it.
See, you don't really have to know how to do karate, or any martial arts for that matter. You just have to be able to run faster than the person behind you. It's the same when you're being chased by a bear.
(This wicked awesome drawing was sent to me by Kayla Byers. She’s 11 years old, and as you can see, she’s already a wicked awesome artist, and probably going to be famous someday).
(Kayla also sent me this wicked awesome drawing of Boogie doing karate. I think I might have it framed and give it to Boogie for his birthday or Christmas or something. He’s gonna LOVE it! Thanks Kayla!)
But back to Boogie's karate class...
They did a whole bunch of exercises and drills to start off with. It looked pretty tiring, but nobody was complaining. They're probably scared to because the instructor has a black belt.
After the exercises and drills, everybody paired off and started fighting. Boogie says it's called sparring, which is a fancy way to say play fighting. They aren't really trying to hurt each other. They're just practicing.
Boogie says sometimes somebody gets hurt when they're sparring, but it's just an accident.
I asked Boogie if he's ever been hurt sparring, and he got kinda' red in the face before admitting that he had.
Apparently Boogie was sparring with his partner this one time, and he was doing wicked awesome (at least according to Boogie). He kept scoring points, and his partner was getting mad because she was losing.
Notice I said “she”. Boogie didn't want to tell me that part at first, but it slipped out when I asked him something else about what happened.
So his partner was losing and Boogie was winning. Reading between the lines here, it sounds like Boogie was getting kinda cocky about it. Anyways, apparently he let his guard down a bit because he was doing so good, and that's when she kicked him right between the legs.
Now, I don't have to tell you what that feels like (well, I guess if you're a girl you probably don't know. Trust me... it hurts)!
Boogie hit the floor, curled up in ball, moaning. Boogie didn't say so, but I bet there were tears coming down his cheeks too. I've been kicked there by my sister, and believe me, the tears are gonna come no matter how hard you try for them not to.
It's kinda like an automatic reaction. I almost wonder if it's one of those cruel jokes that God built into life. You know, as if it's not bad enough to get kicked between the legs, on top of that you have to cry in front of everybody too.
Dad calls stuff like this “adding insult to injury”. I'm not really sure what that means, but if it means crying even when you try not to after getting kicked between the legs, then it really sucks.
Anyways, they sparred for a while after exercising and drills, and it was pretty cool to watch even though nobody got kicked between the legs while I was there.
After the sparring, they did some lessons where the teacher (Boogie says he's called a sensei) showed them some new moves, and then everybody tried to copy him.
When the sensei did the moves, it looked pretty cool, like Jackie Chan in the movies or something, but it was actually kinda funny watching everybody trying to copy him.
One guy actually fell right on his butt which was hilarious, and even though nobody laughed, I could see a lot of people's eyes and mouths twitching like they were trying hard not to.
I know I was having a hard time trying not to, but seeing that black belt on the sensei up there at the front was enough motivation to make me keep a straight face.
The guy was ok anyways and got up pretty fast. The class practiced the new moves for a while longer, and then they were done for the night.
I gotta say I have a whole new respect for Boogie now. I'm not sure if he'd be able to beat up Craig Johnson in a fight yet, but just the fact that he knows karate might make Craig think twice about picking on him.
That's good for me too. Once word gets around that my best friend knows karate, I doubt I'm going to have too much trouble from anyone, not that I do now... but hey, you never know, right!
Footnote 1: Boogie says there are different types of karate, and some of them have different order for the color of the belts. The kind of karate Boogie takes is called Shotokan, and the order of the belts for Shotokan karate is red, orange, yellow, green, purple, purple and white, brown, brown and white and black.
Tuesday
I walked to school with Jordan this morning. She's pretty excit
ed because it looks like GLEE club is going to be a go at school.
Ms. Winsome is on board with the whole thing, and apparently thinks Jordan is a genius for coming up with the idea.
I'm actually surprised that my cool status at school hasn't taken the hit I thought it was going to once word started to spread that I was helping Jordan start a GLEE club at school.
Believe it or not, it's kinda the opposite. I seem to be more popular now. Kids that usually don't even talk to me are nodding to me in the hallway, saying hi in the lunch room, and just generally being nicer to me.
Even Boogie says he's noticed it, so whatever is happening is rubbing off on him too cause he's my best friend. Who would've thunk?
And guess what... it's even more noticeable with the girls. I mean, they're talking to me more, smiling at me more in the hallways, and I even heard some rumors going around that my name has come up in conversation several times now among the popular girls.
And in a good way... not like when they were all talking about me and laughing behind my back because I farted in math class and Lizzie Upton pretended to throw up from the fumes. Maybe everyone will actually forget about that now, and I won't have to hear anymore comments about brown streaks in my underwear or that there's a sale on gas masks at Walmart.
Of course, this could also be a BIG problem for me too. If I get too popular with the girls, it might cause problems between me and Jordan. Girls seem to get jealous pretty easily from what I've seen, and I’m pretty sure I don't have a clue how to deal with that.
Hopefully Jordan will just be happy that GLEE club is going to happen, and that Ms. Winsome thinks she's a genius. I mean, that pretty awesome right?
I mean, even though Jordan and I are boyfriend and girlfriend, I still don't understand girls much more than my Dad does, which isn't a whole lot considering he says he doesn't understand them at all.
Anyways, maybe this whole GLEE club thing is a good thing after all. Jordan seems happy. I'm liking the way things are going at school, and even Boogie's cool with GLEE club now.
But then it just hit me... something I hadn't even thought about before.
Something that scares the crap out of me!
Something absolutely unthinkable...
If I'm in GLEE club, I'm going to have to sing!
Me, sing? Uhhh, no way! You don't understand. I like to sing in the shower as much as the next guy, but sing in front of a bunch of other kids? No way! Uh Uh.
And not just a bunch of other kids... in front of girls!!! There'll be girls in that bunch of other kids!
And Jordan! I just realized, I'll have to sing in front of Jordan! Not just in front of her, I'll probably have to sing with her!
Ok, calm down. Get a hold of yourself. It going to be ok. I'll figure a way to fix this. Look at me. I'm talking to myself in my diary.
I'm losing it! What am I gonna do?
Wednesday
Walking to school this morning, I tell Boogie my realization about the whole singing thing. If I was hoping Boogie was going to have something reassuring to say, I was dead wrong.
As soon as I told Boogie, he started freaking out. I guess he hadn't thought about the whole singing in front of everybody else thing either.
Boy, I would've thought with all his new karate skills and self-confidence, Boogie would've been the calm one in this situation, but I actually think he was getting more worked up than I was.
It probably didn't help that I pointed that out either. He got all defensive and told me that karate had nothing to do with singing in some stupid GLEE club.
I told him that if it made him feel any better, I was sure Ms. Winsome wouldn't care if he wore his karate gi to GLEE club practices. That just set him off even more. He said he was definitely NOT wearing his karate gi to GLEE club.
I told him to calm down, that I was just trying to help. He said I wasn't helping, and then we got into an argument over who wasn't helping the situation more, and who was more of a sissy for being afraid of singing in GLEE club.
We ended up not talking to each other for the rest of the way to school. Boogie didn't even say bye when we split up to head off to our seperate classes.
Boy, this GLEE club is starting to be a lot of trouble. I sure hope it's worth it.
Later when I saw Jordan in English class, GLEE club was the first thing she started talking about.
I don't remember much at all of what she said, except that apparently I agreed to something at the end of the conversation before class started. I guess I better find out what it was I agreed to so I don't get myself in trouble.
I have to tell you, this whole girlfriend thing isn't as easy as it sounds. I mean, it's great and all having Jordan as my girlfriend, but you really have to pay attention to a lot of stuff you didn't have to pay any attention to before, especially if you don't want to get yourself into trouble.
Now that I think about it, I've probably been too hard on Dad over the years. I always used to think he wasn't too smart every time he got himself in trouble with Mom, but now I realize there was probably a lot more too it than I thought at the time.
Maybe I'll surprise him and give him a hug tonight when he gets home from work. Us guys have to support each other. We're in this whole guy-girl thing together.
I should probably sort things out with Boogie after school too. It's not really either of our faults. Girls just have a way of making you crazy. Maybe we'll have to make a pact not to let them get to us again.
The last thing we need is to end up in a straightjacket at the loony bin, insane from the pressures of girls and GLEE club. We'll never become YouTube millionaires if that happens.
Thursday
I had a really weird dream last night. I’m not sure what it means, or if it even means anything, but I’m a little concerned about it.
It was about GLEE club at school (I know… GLEE club again... go figure eh!)
I was singing a duet with Jordan. We were singing Justin Bieber’s hit song “Baby,” and we were actually doing a pretty good job of it.
That’s not the part that freaked me out.
The part that freaked me out is that I was a girl. That’s right, me, Max, a girl. I was singing a duet with Jordan, doing an awesome job of it, BUT I WAS A GIRL!!!
What the heck is that all about!
Why am I dreaming about myself being a girl?
Never mind the singing part, that was actually pretty good. Everyone was impressed. We got a round of applause from all the other kids at GLEE club.
It’s the me-as-a-girl part that I’m having a hard time with.
Nobody, and I mean nobody can find out about this. I’d be the laughing stock of the school. I’d be the butt of everyone’s jokes.
I can hear it now. All the kids calling me Maxine. Boogie would probably be the worst. He’d probably ask me if I was gonna start wearing skirts to school, or when my hair gets long enough, am I gonna start wearing it in a ponytail with ribbons.
Oh brother! This can never get out. I’d NEVER live it down.
I’d probably be still hearing about it when I’m 102, and me and Boogie are living in a retirement home. Boogie will probably still think he’s hilarious for adding “ine” to my name every time he sees it written somewhere.
Maybe I’d better tear out this page and burn it. There’s just NO WAY I can let anybody find out about this.
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