Fish Out of Water
MaryJanice Davidson
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Epigraph
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-one
Twenty-two
Twenty-three
Twenty-four
Twenty-five
Twenty-six
Twenty-seven
Twenty-eight
Twenty-nine
Thirty
Thirty-one
Thirty-two
Thirty-three
Thirty-four
Thirty-five
Thirty-six
Thirty-seven
Thirty-eight
Thirty-nine
Forty
Forty-one
Forty-two
Forty-three
Forty-four
Forty-five
Forty-six
Forty-seven
Epilogue
Teaser chapter
Praise for Swimming Without a Net
“An engaging undersea adventure . . . Swimming Without a Net seizes your attention from the very first page. Hang on for a fun-filled ride . . . Swimming Without a Net demonstrates why Davidson is considered one of today’s premier paranormal authors. I urge everyone to pick up a copy of this entertaining book at your earliest opportunity. This is a not-to-be-missed, laugh-out-loud adventure. Believe me, you will love this story!”—Romance Junkies
“Davidson, the queen of paranormal comedy, has dished up another wickedly funny romp in this follow-up to Sleeping with the Fishes.”—Booklist
“An entertaining and charming read . . . fast-paced, enjoyable, and at times downright hilarious.”—Romance Reviews Today
“A story that will entertain, delight, and enlighten fans of mermaid Fred . . . Fans of Ms. Davidson, rejoice—Fred is back and as sassy as ever!”—Fresh Fiction
“Another wacky, amusing romp from MaryJanice Davidson, the queen of this subgenre. The story line is fast-paced but loaded with humor.”—Midwest Book Review
“Wonderful . . . Fred is just as fierce and funny as before . . . Davidson makes Fred and her underwater world seem so natural and real, this is a book you can easily enjoy.”
—Rambles.net
“This wildly offbeat series has lots of laughs as well as biting social commentary.”—Romantic Times
Praise for
Sleeping with the Fishes
“Ms. Davidson has created another laugh-out-loud, unique paranormal romance series that is bound to take off . . . Sleeping with the Fishes has the unique Davidson comic flair that readers have come to love . . . Among the many paranormal romances on the bookshelves, Sleeping with the Fishes is a ‘school’ apart!”—The Romance Readers Connection
“A zany, amusing fantasy as MaryJanice Davidson provides her trademark wacky, fun tale of the tail . . . Readers will enjoy this delightful, whimsical story.”—The Best Reviews
“Davidson certainly knows how to capture the reader’s attention . . . a hilarious romp with a mermaid, a merman, and a human with a Ph.D. that will have you rolling on the floor in laughter . . . funny with a side of danger all rolled into one neat little package.”—Romance Reviews Today
“Known for her quirky sense of humor, MaryJanice Davidson launches what promises to be a smashing series with Sleeping with the Fishes. This book brought back the magic of first reading something new by this talented author. Her sense of humor and imagination know no bounds . . . pure delight to read from start to finish.”—A Romance Review
“Davidson breathes new life into the frequently tired paranormal romance genre with this refreshingly witty entry featuring a decidedly bad-tempered half-mermaid named Fred . . . It will be interesting to see where Davidson goes with this new series.”—Monsters and Critics
“Ms. Davidson is royalty in the ranks of paranormal comedy writers. Somehow, she manages to keep up a rapid-fire round of jokes without ever being too silly or skimping on characterization. It will be a fun trip to see how Fred’s life develops in coming novels.”—The Eternal Night
“An amusing and sexy new series with a decidedly underwater twist. Employing her patented brand of offbeat humor and lighthearted fun, she serves up a new heroine whose life is about to get extremely complicated.”—Romantic Times
“You will spend many an hour just laughing
through her books.”*
Praise for
the Undead novels of MaryJanice Davidson
“Delightful, wicked fun!”—Christine Feehan
“A lighthearted vampire pastiche that recalls the work of Charlaine Harris.”—Omaha World-Herald
“Chick lit meets vampire action in this creative, sophisticated, sexy, and wonderfully witty book.”—Catherine Spangler
“A laugh-a-minute book.”—*Romance Junkies
“Davidson delivers more wildly witty, irreverent, and just plain funny adventures in her patently hilarious style.”
—Romantic Times (4½ stars)
“One of the funniest, most satisfying series to come along lately. If you’re [a] fan of Sookie Stackhouse and Anita Blake, don’t miss Betsy Taylor. She rocks.”—The Best Reviews
“I don’t care what mood you are in, if you open this book you are practically guaranteed to laugh . . . top-notch humor and a fascinating perspective of the vampire world.”
—ParaNormal Romance Reviews
“[A] wickedly clever and amusing romp. Davidson’s witty dialogue, fast pacing, smart plotting, laugh-out-loud humor, and sexy relationships make this a joy to read.”—Booklist
Titles by MaryJanice Davidson
UNDEAD AND UNWED
UNDEAD AND UNEMPLOYED
UNDEAD AND UNAPPRECIATED
UNDEAD AND UNRETURNABLE
UNDEAD AND UNPOPULAR
UNDEAD AND UNEASY
UNDEAD AND UNWORTHY
DERIK’S BANE
SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES
SWIMMING WITHOUT A NET
FISH OUT OF WATER
Anthologies
CRAVINGS
(with Laurell K. Hamilton, Rebecca York, Eileen Wilks)
BITE
(with Laurell K. Hamilton, Charlaine Harris, Angela Knight,
Vickie Taylor)
DEAD AND LOVING IT
MYSTERIA
(with P. C. Cast, Gena Showalter, Susan Grant)
DEMON’S DELIGHT
(with Emma Holly, Vickie Taylor, Catherine Spangler)
DEAD OVER HEELS
BERKLEY JAM titles by MaryJanice Davidson and Anthony Alongi
JENNIFER SCALES AND THE ANCIENT FURNACE
JENNIFER SCALES AND THE MESSENGER OF LIGHT
THE SILVER MOON ELM: A JENNIFER SCALES NOVEL
THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP
Published by the Penguin Group
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South Africa
Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third party websites or their content.
FISH OUT OF WATER
A Jove Book / published by arrangement with the author
PRINTING HISTORY
Jove mass-market edition / December 2008
Copyright © 2008 by MaryJanice Alongi.
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form
without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in
violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.
For information, address: The Berkley Publishing Group,
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375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.
eISBN : 978-1-440-64024-7
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For William Alongi: father, grandfather, husband, brother, uncle, friend. Things aren’t as exciting without all the grumbling, big guy.
And for Cindy Hwang, who, in the face of enormous personal tragedy, never once lost her kindness, humor, skill, empathy, or professionalism.
As Andrew Vacchs, the finest writer of noir fiction in the twenty-first century and tireless champion of the helpless, once said (and I’m paraphrasing), “If love died with death, this world wouldn’t be so hard.”
That’s just right, sir. That is 100 percent correct.
Acknowledgments
This is the last book of the Fred the mermaid trilogy; the other two are Sleeping with the Fishes and Swimming Without a Net. (There’s also a mermaid novella in my anthology Dead Over Heels, which takes place just before the events of this book.)
Although Betsy the vampire queen made me semi-famous (infamous? delusionally famous?), I actually thought up Fred long before I ever wrote Undead and Unwed . So it’s a little strange to me that I’m putting paid to Fred while Betsy goes on and on and on.
(“And on,” the critics added snidely, “and on, and on.”)
Well, hell. She is a vampire. And that’s what they do, I s’pose. Fred, however, is mortal.
Anyway, I wanted to thank Cindy Hwang, my editor, for going along with my idea for a grumpy mermaid, and for never asking, “What, exactly, is wrong with you?” At least, not out loud.
My agent, Ethan Ellenberg, for making the deal happen.
Leis Pederson, who catches many of my boneheaded mistakes and never gets the credit.
My Yahoo! group, for their support.
Charlaine Harris and her fan group, three of whom dressed as Fred, Dr. Bimm, and Jonas for the Romantic Times 2008 convention, forcing me to pretend my eyes were leaking because of allergies.
And, always, my friends and family, for tirelessly listening to my near-constant bitching.
MaryJanice Davidson
www.maryjanicedavidson.net
Author’s Note
Although there is a Florida Aquarium, I have no idea if it’s open at the top or if it’s possible for people to fall into Shark Bay. It’s quite possible (more like probable) I took some liberties. Sorry, Florida Aquarium.
Also, although there are many fine naval bases in Florida (in the country, actually), the Sanibel Station is 100 percent made up, as were the actions of the sailors stationed there. Got that? Fiction. Not true. Please don’t ask me why I hate America, okay?
Also, salmon pink bridesmaid gowns do clash terribly with green hair.
I love treason but hate a traitor.
—JULIUS CAESAR
It’s silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons.
—HENRY MILLER
A mermaid’s not a human thing
An’ courtin’ sich is folly;
Of flesh an’ blood I’d rather sing,
What ain’t so melancholy.
—E. J. BRADY, “Lost and Given Over”
A reporter meets interesting people. If he endures, he will get to know princes and presidents, popes and paupers, prostitutes and panderers.
—JIM BISHOP
Time magazine: “Is it true that if you help a mermaid,
you get one wish?”
Fredrika Bimm: “Shut up.”
Fuck the fathers. They should know better.
—PAT CONROY, The Prince of Tides
The Story So Far
Fredrika Bimm is a hybrid—her father was a merman who got her hippie mother pregnant one night on the beach and then disappeared forever. Part of both worlds and feeling out of place pretty much everywhere, Fred’s dearest wish is to keep herself to herself and stay under everyone’s radar.
Circumstances, however, make that impossible. In the last year and a half, she has helped Prince Artur of the Undersea Folk (what the mer-people call themselves) figure out who was dumping toxins into Boston Harbor, fallen for a fellow marine biologist (Dr. Thomas Pearson, who writes romance novels on the side), fought pirates (yes, pirates), attended a Pelagic (don’t ask), met the king of the Undersea Folk (who is obsessed with the HBO series Dead-wood ), walked in on her mother and stepfather having sex, walked in on her boss (Dr. Barb) and her best friend (Jonas) doing their impersonation of the Thing That Can’t Stop Kissing, visited the Cayman Islands, and watched as several of her father’s people showed themselves (tails and all) to the world.
Also, she’s taken a leave of absence from her job at the New England Aquarium. So, she’s been busy.
Now, six months after the first of the Undersea Folk were seen on CNN, the world is transfixed by the idea that mermaids are real . . . have always been real . . . and there could be one living right next door.
Also, she has to house hunt in Florida. During tourist season.
Oh, the humanity.
Prologue
He stared, transfixed. His people were showing themselves to the world! How could the royal family—the king—go along with this? It went against centuries of tradition and ingrained behavior.
He instantly started figuring how he could turn the situation to his advantage.
One
“Excuse me, but are you a mermaid?”
“Why?” Fred was poking through the large, airy kitchen and trying not to show how impressed she was with the ocean view. She knew the Realtor would pick up on it like a bloodhound to sweat. “Do I get a discount? ‘Show us your fin and we’ll show you ten percent off.’ Like that?”
The Realtor colored, which, given that she had the creamy complexion natural to most redheads, gave the impression that she was about to have a stroke. Fred wondered how long it would take for the paramedics to show.
“I didn’t mean anything by it.” She coughed. “It
’s just—your hair.”
“I know, don’t tell me. I fired my stylist.” Fred fussed with the ends of her green hair, which were now chin-length as opposed to tumbling halfway down her back. Much easier to take care of, though her friend Jonas had shrieked like he’d been stabbed when he’d seen it. “And I’m still getting grief about it from my friend. My stupid, irritating friend.”
“But it’s blue.”
“Technically it’s green.” She opened a cupboard to see how deep it was. “You know how the ocean looks blue but it’s really green? Same with my—Does the garbage disposal work?”
“Wha—Yes. And the house comes with all the appliances, as well as lawn maintenance. So are you?”
“I dunno. It’s pretty expensive. And what do I need four bedrooms for? You know what that’ll mean for me? Drop-in guests. ‘Say, Fred, you’ve got plenty of room, we’re staying here for a month.’ Any idea how much I hate drop-ins? I hate them like a fat kid hates Slim-Fast. Besides, I live in a Boston apartment most of the year. Mowing a lawn would actually be a treat for me.”
