Larger Font   Reset Font Size   Smaller Font  

My Planet: Finding Humor in the Oddest Places

Mary Roach




  A READER’S DIGEST BOOK

  Copyright © 2013 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.

  All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited.

  Reader’s Digest is a registered trademark of The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Roach, Mary. My planet : exploring the world with family, friends, and dental floss / Mary Roach. pages cm ISBN 978-1-62145-071-9 (alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-62145-072-6 (epub) 1. American wit and humor. 2. United States--Social life and customs--Humor. I. Title. PN6165.R635 2013 818’.602--dc23 2012044977

  We are committed to both the quality of our products and the service we provide to our customers. We value your comments, so please feel free to contact us.

  The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.

  Adult Trade Publishing

  44 South Broadway

  White Plains, NY 10601

  For more Reader’s Digest products and information, visit our website:

  www.rd.com (in the United States)

  www.readersdigest.ca (in Canada)

  Contents

  Introduction

  Soap Opera

  To Do or Not to Do

  42 Minutes and Holding . . .

  The Way I Can’t See It

  Picture Imperfect

  Industrial Strength Shopping

  Meet the Parents

  She’s Got Game

  Don’t Bring Me Flowers

  Roomba’s Revenge

  How I Caught Every Disease on the Web

  TV Dinners

  Frequent Flierrr#*!

  Hold Everything!

  Night Light Fight

  Picture This

  Driving with Ed

  Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

  You Know the Drill

  Check This Out

  The Naked Truth

  Bug Off!

  Mr. Fix-It-Later

  The Beer and Bacon Diet

  Menu Madness

  Is That What You’re Wearing?

  Good House Hunting

  Counter Attack

  Unpopular Mechanics

  Congested and Confused

  I Married a Pack Rat

  Makes Scents

  I Gotta Be . . . You

  Furniture Fight

  Can You Hear Me Now?

  Cheaper Than Thou

  The Grass Menagerie

  On the Road Again

  It’s Your Fault

  Taking Its Toll

  A Kiss Is Just . . . a Pain

  Caught on the Web

  Dishing Dirt

  Suite Dreams

  And There’s the Rub!

  Nivea Man

  Grape Expectations

  Sit Back and Relax

  Sleepless in Suburbia

  Kitchen Confidential

  Best Cheap Fun!

  1-800-WasteMyTime

  Dinner Party Debt

  Garbage Gone Wild

  Alarming Events

  RV There Yet?

  Yours, Mine & Mine

  Gratuitous Gratuities

  Color Me Flummoxed

  Change Is Not Good

  One Good Tern . . .

  Talking the Walk

  About the Author

  Introduction

  To describe iconic American author Mary Roach is to understand the most genius of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde complexes. Take science and imbue it with sarcasm. Create a social commentary and add sentimentality. Detail death and layer on wit. Are you chuckling while reading a story about a funeral? Then you’re doing exactly what Roach intended. She lifted the gauze on mortality with Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, questioned life after death in Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife, experimented with love and the lab for the sake of Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, and dove into disturbing aspects of space travel in Packing for Mars: The Curious Science of Life in the Void.

  While her books focus on science and the supernatural, Roach’s column in Reader’s Digest zeroed in on the wonders of the everyday. When “My Planet” first appeared in our July 2002 issue, we knew that we had something special. As an institution that prides itself in handpicking moving stories that will make you smile and see the world a little bit differently, we were thrilled to add a writer with both abilities to our treasure trove of authors. Editors eagerly flipped to Roach’s column after receiving their first-bound copies of the issue and readers, too, took notice. Three years after it’s debut, Roach’s column was runner-up in the humor category of the National Press Club awards. Here, you can read her entire collection in one laugh-out-loud volume.

  What you can expect from Roach is a curious curation and condensation of life’s little mishaps—all of which are filigreed with her humor. She details first dates, rants about marital differences, and dissects (as she is wont to do) the stellar process that is getting older (or, as Roach puts it, entering “the Age of Skirted Swimwear”). She breaks down her hypochondriac tendencies and divulges her uncanny desire to make lists for absolutely everything. In lieu of the latter, here are a few more things she’ll tell you about: Accompanying spouses to container outlets (“These stores cast a spell on people”), theories on compromising (“Like any normal couple, we refused to accept each other’s differences and did whatever we could to annoy the other person”), and the trials and tribulations of real estate (“The other day—true story—we saw a listing that said ‘yard, complete with outhouse’ ”). Serving as the nucleus to these funny anecdotes is her husband, Ed, who makes appearances as both a funny adversary and a worthy teammate.

  In a piece called “Best Cheap Fun!” Roach details free ways to get the most out of life. The list (of course it’s a list) includes rooting for the Red Sox at Yankee Stadium and trying to sneak a bottle of water onto a plane, proving once again that humor is worth a potential black eye. Beyond that, Roach prompts us to find wonder in the smaller, simpler moments, leading us to a reader’s paradise of which we’ll never tire.

  —The Editors of Reader’s Digest

  Soap Opera

  It was our first date together. The man who was to become my husband, the man I call Ed, got up from the table within minutes of his arrival and excused himself to go wash his hands. I found this adorable. He was like a little raccoon, leaning over the stream to tidy himself before eating. At the same time I found it odd, as it typically would not occur to me to wash my own hands before a meal, unless I’d spent the afternoon coal mining, say, or running an offset printing press.

  It was at this same dinner that I made the unfortunate decision to share my philosophy of bath towels, which holds that you needn’t wash them very often because you’re clean when you use them.

  We both sensed something of a hygiene gap, and, not wanting to alarm one another, spent our first six months trying to hide our true selves. Ed didn’t tell me how he’d replace the toilet seat whenever he moved into a new place, on the grounds that he “didn’t know who’d been sitting on it.” He said nothing when I used the Designated Countertop Sponge to wash the dishes and the Designated Dishwashing Sponge to clean the bathtub, an act I now know to be tantamount to a bioterror attack. For my part, when I dropped food on the floor I’d throw it away instead of picking it up and eating it, and I’d clean the spot where it la
nded, albeit with the wrong sponge.

  As time went by, we reverted to our true selves and the Hygiene War commenced. More than anything else, it was a war of perception. Ed has crud vision, and I don’t. I don’t notice filth. Ed sees it everywhere. I am reasonably convinced that Ed can actually see bacteria. Like any normal couple, we refused to accept each other’s differences and did whatever we could to annoy the other person. I flossed my teeth in bed and drank from the OJ container. Ed insisted on moving our vitamins out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, where the germs are apparently less savage. He confessed he didn’t like me using his bathrobe because I’d wear it while sitting on the toilet.

  “It’s not like it goes in the water,” I protested, though if you counted the sash as part of the robe, this wasn’t strictly true.

  “Doesn’t matter,” Ed said. Ed has a theory that anything that touches the toilet, even the top of the closed lid—which I pretty much use as a dressing table in the mornings—is unclean and subject to the sanitary laws of Leviticus.

  Things came to a head one evening at a local eatery. When Ed returned to the table after washing his hands, I told him there was no rational reason to do that unless he was planning to handle his food and then leave it sitting out at room temperature for three or four hours before eating it. This reminded me of something I had recently learned in the course of my work, which was not even raccoons wash up before eating. Yes, according to wildlife expert David McCullough, of Wartburg College in Waverly, Iowa, raccoons are not washing, but merely handling their food. They do it even when there’s no water around. “It’s a tactile thing,” he told me. “They have extremely sensitive hands, and one idea is that they are just fulfilling a need to feel food moving around in their paws.”

  I told this to Ed. He looked like he wanted to strangle me, and Professor McCullough too. I followed his gaze to the true source of his emotion: the restaurant’s cook. The man had his right hand tucked in his left armpit and was absently massaging the flesh as he read our dinner order and prepared to contaminate Ed’s halibut.

  “Big deal,” I said. “He’s wearing a shirt. Maybe he has extremely sensitive hands and it fulfills a need.”

  Ed called me insane. I called him abnormal. He was right, I was right. We decided we canceled each other out and that together we made one sane, normal entity, at least compared to, I don’t know, raccoons. Then Ed did something very touching. He reached over and kissed my hand, which we both knew hadn’t been washed since the night before.

  To Do or Not to Do

  There are three kinds of people in this world: 1) People who make lists, 2) People who don’t make lists, and 3) People who carve tiny Nativity scenes out of pecan hulls. I’m sorry, there isn’t really a third category; it’s just that a workable list needs a minimum of three items, I feel. I am, as you might have guessed, a person who makes lists: daily To Do lists, long-term To Do lists, shopping lists, packing lists. I am married to a man whose idea of a list is a corner torn off a newspaper page, covered with words too hastily written to later decipher, and soon misplaced or dropped on the floor. Every now and then I’ll discover one of Ed’s lists in some forgotten corner of the house: Rescrangen polfiter, it will say. Pick up grellion. Bregoo! underlined twice.

  It isn’t entirely accurate to say that Ed has no formal To Do list. He does. It’s just that it isn’t Ed that makes it, it’s me. It’s easy enough, as the same 10 or 12 items, mostly involving home-repair projects abandoned midterm, have been on it for years. I once wrote it out for him and put it on the side of the fridge. When I glanced at it some months later, nothing had been crossed off, though he’d added a few of his own: Make violin. Cure diabetes. Split atom.

  I make lists to keep my anxiety level down. If I write down 15 things to be done, I lose that vague, nagging sense that there are an overwhelming number of things to be done, all of which are on the brink of being forgotten. Ed, on the other hand, controls his anxiety precisely by forgetting them. If they’re not there on some numbered piece of paper, they don’t exist. So there’s no reason why he shouldn’t come directly home and turn on the game. People like me really gum up the works for people like Ed by calling them during the day to see if they’ve gotten around to any of the things on the To Do list we’re secretly keeping for them.

  Here’s the sick thing: I don’t really care whether Ed has done the things on this list. I just want to be able to cross them off. My friend Jeff best summed up the joy of crossing off: “No matter how unproductive my week has been, I have a sense of accomplishment.” Jeff actually tried to convince me that the adjective listless derived from the literal definition “having no lists.”

  It is possible, I’ll admit, to go overboard. Ed once caught me crossing an errand off my list—just for the satisfaction. I have a list of party guests in my desk drawer that dates from around 1997. Every so often I take it out and add the people we’ve met, cross off the couples that have moved away, and then put it back in my drawer. I long ago came to accept that we’re never actually going to have this party; we’re just going to keep updating the list—which, for people like me, is a party all by itself.

  My husband is the first person I ever met who doesn’t even make a shopping list. Ed prefers to go up and down all the aisles, figuring he’ll see all the things we need. The problem is that he has no idea whether we actually need them that week, and so it is that we have six cans of water chestnuts and enough Tabasco sauce to sober up the population of Patoka, Indiana, on any given New Year’s Day. It seems to be a male pride thing. “Men don’t want to admit that they can’t remember everything,” says my friend Ron. It’s the same reason, he says, that men carry their groceries in their arms: “We’re too proud to use a cart.” Ron finds shopping lists limiting. “Take M&M’s,” he says. “Those are never going to be on the list.”

  Ed agrees. He says the things on lists are always chores and downers. Ed wants a To Do list that says, 1) Giants game, 2) Nap, 3) Try new cheese-steak place. Meanwhile, the polfiter sits unscrangened.

  42 Minutes and Holding . . .

  Thank you for calling VeriCom Customer Care. Your call is important to us, though not as important as it is to you. If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press or say 1. If you are calling from a rotary-dial phone, please stay on the line while a customer-care representative makes mocking, derisive faces. Para assistencia en español, go to South America and try your call again.

  Your call may be monitored and/or recorded for staff entertainment purposes. For security reasons, please enter the last four digits of your junior high school locker combination, followed by your mother’s pet name for your father on evenings when she’s had too much sherry.

  To save us money and expedite the dismissal of customer-care representatives, our express automated- speech response system is now available. To use this system, press 1. To speak to a customer-care representative, call the Peterson County unemployment office. To hear these options again, hang up and call back.

  Welcome to the express automated-speech response system. Please say your 67-digit personal account number, located on the upper lower left middle corner of the one page of your bill that has gone missing, followed by the pound sign. If you thought * was the pound sign, say Ding Dong.

  I heard: 894375904279643850432759478847686350542356889448590824837698072459. If this is correct, say Yes. If this is not correct, it’s your fault. You are mumbling, or have a funny accent.

  For payment information, say Payment. If you have calls and charges you don’t understand, say Pinhead. To hear these options again, say Attention Span of a Gnat. To hear the call of the long-toed stint, say kirrrrr-PIP! wacka wacka wacka!

  Welcome to the automated payment information center. Our records show a payment of $149 was posted on January 23, 2002, following a 12-day processing period, during which time Accounts Receivable Clerk June Smetak was unaccountably absent an
d consequently your payment was recorded six days after the due date. A late fee of as much as we can possibly charge without government intervention has been posted to your account. Accounts Receivable Clerk Smetak has been promoted. Whoever said life was fair?

  To exit the express automated-speech response system, press or say 1. To enter your 67-digit personal account number again for no special reason, press or say 2.

  Please wait, a customer-care representative will be with you shortly, or be short with you, or something. Currently all of our representatives are busy helping dilute our profits. Calls will be answered in the order in which we feel like. Your expected wait time is 42 minutes. Your expected blood pressure is 210/130. You may hear clicks followed by silence. You may hear “Whole Lotta Love” done entirely in strings. You may hear yourself say regrettable things, which may be monitored and/or recorded.

  For example, our records show that you used the phrase “gabbling nitwit” during your last call to customer care. This has been noted in your record and will be reflected in the quality of service you receive and the tone of voice of the customer-care representative, should you somehow manage to reach one.

  I’m sorry, 0 is not a valid prompt, even if pushed furiously 11 times in rapid succession.

  To use our express automated-speech response system, press 1. To hear our website address, press 2. To speak to someone about your anger-management problem, press 3.

  Three is not a valid prompt. Thank you for calling.

  The Way I Can’t See It

  This is a story of loss and denial. It begins in Colorado, on the freeway. I am looking for an exit called Drake Way. I notice I am hunched forward, squinting, barely going 40. All around me, drivers beam hate rays into my car. At precisely the moment at which it is too late to veer out of the exit lane, I note that the sign above me does not say Drake Way; it says Homer P. Gravenstein Memorial Highway. This is not good.

  I go to my optometrist, who hesitates to up my prescription. She says that with a stronger distance correction, I’m going to start having trouble with what she calls “close work.” Apparently she has mistaken me for one of her patients who assemble microchips or tat antimacassars by firelight. I tell her she should go ahead and change the prescription because I don’t do close work.