The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

  And orangutan comes from the Malaysian word ōranghūtan, which means man of the woods, but ōranghūtan isn't Malaysian for orangutan.

  And adverts are pictures or television programs to make you buy things like cars or Snickers or use an Internet Service Provider. But this was an advert to make you go to Malaysia on a holiday. And Malaysia is in Southeast Asia and it is made up of peninsular Malaysia and Sabah and Sarawak and Labuan and the capital is Kuala Lumpur and the highest mountain is Mount Kinabalu, which is 4,101 meters high, but that wasn't on the advert.

  And Siobhan says people go on holidays to see new things and relax, but it wouldn't make me relaxed and you can see new things by looking at earth under a microscope or drawing the shape of the solid made when 3 circular rods of equal thickness intersect at right angles. And I think that there are so many things just in one house that it would take years to think about all of them properly. And also, a thing is interesting because of thinking about it and not because of being new. For example, Siobhan showed me that you can wet your finger and rub the edge of a thin glass and make a singing noise. And you can put different amounts of water in different glasses and they make different notes because they have what are called different resonant frequencies, and you can play a tune like Three Blind Mice. And lots of people have thin glasses in their houses and they don't know you can do this.

  And the advert said

  Malaysia, truly Asia.

  Stimulated by the sights and smells, you realise that you have arrived in a land of contrasts. You seek out the traditional, the natural and the cosmopolitan. Your memories stretch from city days to nature reserves to lazy hours on the beach. Prices from £575 per person.

  Call us on 01306 747000, see your travel agent or visit the world at www.kuoni.co.uk.

  A world of difference.

  And there were three other pictures, and they were very small, and they were a palace and a beach and a palace.

  And this is what the orangutans looked like

  227. And I kept my eyes closed and I didn't look at my watch at all. And the trains coming in and out of the station were in a rhythm, like music or drumming. And it was like counting and saying, “Left, right, left, right, left, right . . .” which Siobhan taught me to do to make myself calm. And I was saying in my head, “Train coming. Train stopped. Train going. Silence. Train coming. Train stopped. Train going . . .” as if the trains were only in my mind. And normally I don't imagine things that aren't happening because it is a lie and it makes me feel scared, but it was better than watching the trains coming in and out of the station because that made me feel even more scared.

  And I didn't open my eyes and I didn't look at my watch. And it was like being in a dark room with the curtains closed so I couldn't see anything, like when you wake up at night and the only sounds you hear are the sounds inside your head. And that made it better because it was like the little station wasn't there, outside my head, but I was in bed and I was safe.

  And then the silences between the trains coming and going got longer and longer. And I could hear that there were fewer people in the little station when the train wasn't there, so I opened my eyes and I looked at my watch and it said 8:07 p.m. and I had been sitting on the bench for approximately 5 hours but it hadn't seemed like approximately 5 hours, except that my bottom hurt and I was hungry and thirsty.

  And then I realized that Toby was missing because he was not in my pocket, and I didn't want him to be missing because we weren't in Father's house or Mother's house and there wasn't anyone to feed him in the little station and he would die and he might get run over by a train.

  And then I looked up at the ceiling and I saw that there was a long black box which was a sign and it said

  And then the bottom line scrolled up and disappeared and a different line scrolled up into its place and the sign said

  And then it changed again and it said

  And then I heard the sound like sword fighting and the roaring of a train coming into the station and I worked out that there was a big computer somewhere and it knew where all the trains were and it sent messages to the black boxes in the little stations to say when the trains were coming, and that made me feel better because everything had an order and a plan.

  And the train came into the little station and it stopped and 5 people got onto the train and another person ran into the little station and got on, and 7 people got off the train and then the doors closed automatically and the train went away. And when the next train came I wasn't so scared anymore because the sign said so I knew it was going to happen.

  And then I decided that I would look for Toby because there were only 3 people in the little station. So I stood up and I looked up and down the little station and in the doorways that went into tunnels but I couldn't see him anywhere. And then I looked down into the black lower-down bit where the rails were.

  And then I saw two mice and they were black because they were covered in dirt. And I liked that because I like mice and rats. But they weren't Toby, so I carried on looking.

  And then I saw Toby, and he was also in the lower-down bit where the rails were, and I knew he was Toby because he was white and he had a brown egg shape on his back. So I climbed down off the concrete. And he was eating a bit of rubbish that was an old sweet paper. And someone shouted, “Jesus. What are you doing?”

  And I bent down to catch Toby but he ran off. And I walked after him and I bent down again and I said, “Toby . . . Toby . . . Toby,” and I held out my hand so that he could smell my hand and smell that it was me.

  And someone said, “Get out of there, for fuck's sake,” and I looked up and it was a man who was wearing a green raincoat and he had black shoes and his socks were showing and they were gray with little diamond patterns on them.

  And I said, “Toby . . . Toby . . .” but he ran off again.

  And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks tried to grab my shoulder, so I screamed. And then I heard the sound like sword fighting and Toby started running again, but this time he ran the other way, which was past my feet, and I grabbed at him and I caught him by the tail.

  And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks said, “Oh Christ. Oh Christ.”

  And then I heard the roaring and I lifted Toby up and grabbed him with both hands and he bit me on my thumb and there was blood coming out and I shouted and Toby tried to jump out of my hands.

  And then the roaring got louder and I turned round and I saw the train coming out of the tunnel and I was going to be run over and killed so I tried to climb up onto the concrete but it was high and I was holding Toby in both my hands.

  And then the man with the diamond patterns on his socks grabbed hold of me and pulled me and I screamed, but he kept pulling me and he pulled me up onto the concrete and we fell over and I carried on screaming because he had hurt my shoulder. And then the train came into the station and I stood up and I ran to the bench again and I put Toby into the pocket inside my jacket and he went very quiet and he didn't move.

  And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks was standing next to me and he said, “What the fuck do you think you were playing at?”

  But I didn't say anything.

  And he said, “What were you doing?”

  And the doors of the train opened and people got off and there was a lady standing behind the man with the diamond patterns on his socks and she was carrying a guitar case like Siobhan has.

  And I said, “I was finding Toby. He's my pet rat.”

  And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks said, “Fucking Nora.”

  And the lady with the guitar case said, “Is he OK?”

  And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks said, “Him? Thanks a fucking bundle. Jesus Christ. A pet rat. Oh shit. My train.” And then he ran to the train and he banged on the door, which was closed, and the train started to go away and he said, “Fuck.”

  And the lady said, “Are you OK?” and she touched my arm so I screamed
again.

  And she said, “OK. OK. OK.”

  And there was a sticker on her guitar case and it said

  And I was sitting on the ground and the woman knelt down on one knee and she said, “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

  And if she was a teacher at school I could have said, “Where is 451c Chapter Road, Willesden, London NW2 5NG?” but she was a stranger, so I said, “Stand further away,” because I didn't like her being so close. And I said, “I've got a Swiss Army knife and it has a saw blade and it could cut someone's fingers off.”

  And she said, “OK, buddy. I'm going to take that as a no,” and she stood up and walked away.

  And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks said, “Mad as a fucking hatter. Jesus,” and he was pressing a handkerchief against his face and there was blood on the handkerchief.

  And then another train came and the man with the diamond patterns on his socks and the lady with the guitar case got on and it went away again.

  And then 8 more trains came and I decided that I would get onto a train and then I would work out what to do.

  So I got on the next train.

  And Toby tried to get out of my pocket so I took hold of him and I put him in my outside pocket and I held him with my hand.

  And there were 11 people in the carriage and I didn't like being in a room with 11 people in a tunnel, so I concentrated on things in the carriage. And there were signs saying There are 53,963 holiday cottages in Scandinavia and Germany and VITABIOTICS and 3435 and Penalty £10 if you fail to show a valid ticket for your entire journey and Discover Gold, Then Bronze and TVIC and EPBIC and suck my cock and Obstructing the doors can be dangerous and BRV and Con. IC and TALK TO THE WORLD.

  And there was a pattern on the walls which was like this

  And there was a pattern on the seats like this

  Then the train wobbled a lot and I had to hang on to a rail and we went into a tunnel and it was noisy and I closed my eyes and I could feel the blood pumping in the sides of my neck.

  And then we came out of the tunnel and went into another little station and it was called Warwick Avenue and it said it in big letters on the wall and I liked that because you knew where you were.

  And I timed the distance between stations all the way to Willesden Junction and all the times between stations were multiples of 15 seconds like this

  And when the train stopped at Willesden Junction and the doors opened automatically I walked out of the train. And then the doors closed and the train went away. And everyone who got off the train walked up a staircase and over a bridge except me, and then there were only 2 people that I could see and one was a man and he was drunk and he had brown stains on his coat and his shoes were not a pair and he was singing but I couldn't hear what he was singing, and the other was an Indian man in a shop which was a little window in a wall.

  And I didn't want to talk to either of them because I was tired and hungry and I had already talked to lots of strangers, which is dangerous, and the more you do something dangerous the more likely it is that something bad happens. But I didn't know how to get to 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, so I had to ask somebody.

  So I went up to the man in the little shop and I said, “Where is 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG?”

  And he picked up a little book and handed it to me and said, “Two ninety-five.”

  And the book was called LONDON AZ Street Atlas and Index, Geographers' A–Z Map Company, and I opened it up and it was lots of maps.

  And the man in the little shop said, “Are you going to buy it or not?”

  And I said, “I don't know.”

  And he said, “Well, you can get your dirty fingers off it if you don't mind,” and he took it back from me.

  And I said, “Where is 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG?”

  And he said, “You can either buy the A-to-Z or you can hop it. I'm not a walking encyclopedia.”

  And I said, “Is that the A-to-Z?” and I pointed at the book.

  And he said, “No, it's a sodding crocodile.”

  And I said, “Is that the A-to-Z?” because it wasn't a crocodile and I thought I had heard wrong because of his accent.

  And he said, “Yes, it's the A-to-Z.”

  And I said, “Can I buy it?”

  And he didn't say anything.

  And I said, “Can I buy it?”

  And he said, “Two pounds ninety-five, but you're giving me the money first. I'm not having you scarpering,” and then I realized that he meant £2.95 when he said Two ninety-five.

  And I paid him with my money and he gave me change just like in the shop at home and I went and sat down on the floor against the wall like the man with the dirty clothes but a long way away from him and I opened up the book.

  And inside the front cover there was a big map of London with places on it like Abbey Wood and Poplar and Acton and Stanmore. And it said KEY TO MAP PAGES. And the map was covered with a grid and each square of the grid had two numbers on it. And Willesden was in the square which said 42 and 43. And I worked out that the numbers were the numbers of the pages where you could see a bigger-scale map of that square of London. And the whole book was a big map of London, but it had been chopped up so it could be made into a book, and I liked that.

  But Willesden Junction wasn't on pages 42 and 43. And I found it on page 58, which was directly under page 42 on the KEY TO MAP PAGES and which joined up with page 42. And I looked round Willesden Junction in a spiral, like when I was looking for the train station in Swindon, but on the map with my finger.

  And the man who had shoes that did not match stood in front of me and said, “Big cheese. Oh yes. The nurses. Never. Bloody liar. Total bloody liar.”

  Then he went away.

  And it took me a long time to find Chapter Road because it wasn't on page 58. It was back on page 42, and it was in square 5C.

  And this was the shape of the roads between Willesden Junction and Chapter Road.

  And this was my route

  So I went up the staircase and over the bridge and I put my ticket in the little gray gate and went into the street and there was a bus and a big machine with a sign on it which said English Welsh and Scottish Railways, but it was yellow, and I looked around and it was dark and there were lots of bright lights and I hadn't been outside for a long time and it made me feel sick. And I kept my eyelids very close together and I just looked at the shape of the roads and then I knew which roads were Station Approach and Oak Lane, which were the roads I had to go along.

  So I started walking, but Siobhan said I didn't have to describe everything that happens, I just have to describe the things that were interesting.

  So I got to 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, and it took me 27 minutes and there was no one in when I pressed the button that said Flat C and the only interesting thing that happened on the way was 8 men dressed up in Viking costumes with helmets with horns on and they were shouting, but they weren't real Vikings because the Vikings lived nearly 2,000 years ago, and also I had to go for another wee and I went in the alleyway down the side of a garage called Burdett Motors, which was closed, and I didn't like doing that but I didn't want to wet myself again, and there was nothing else interesting.

  So I decided to wait and I hoped that Mother was not on holiday because that would mean she could be away for more than a whole week, but I tried not to think about this because I couldn't go back to Swindon.

  So I sat down on the ground behind the dustbins in the little garden that was in front of 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, and it was under a big bush. And a lady came into the garden and she was carrying a little box with a metal grille on one end and a handle on the top like you use to take a cat to the vet, but I couldn't see if there was a cat in it, and she had shoes with high heels and she didn't see me.

  And then it started to rain and I got wet and I started shivering because I was cold.

  And then it was 11:32 p.m. and I heard voices of people walki
ng along the street.

  And a voice said, “I don't care whether you thought it was funny or not,” and it was a lady's voice.

  And another voice said, “Judy, look. I'm sorry, OK,” and it was a man's voice.

  And the other voice, which was the lady's voice, said, “Well, perhaps you should have thought about that before you made me look like a complete idiot.”

  And the lady's voice was Mother's voice.

  And Mother came into the garden and Mr. Shears was with her, and the other voice was his.

  So I stood up and I said, “You weren't in, so I waited for you.”

  And Mother said, “Christopher.”

  And Mr. Shears said, “What?”

  And Mother put her arms around me and said, “Christopher, Christopher, Christopher.”

  And I pushed her away because she was grabbing me and I didn't like it, and I pushed really hard and I fell over.

  And Mr. Shears said, “What the hell is going on?”

  And Mother said, “I'm so sorry, Christopher. I forgot.”

  And I was lying on the ground and Mother held up her right hand and spread her fingers out in a fan so that I could touch her fingers, but then I saw that Toby had escaped out of my pockets so I had to catch him.

  And Mr. Shears said, “I suppose this means Ed's here.”

  And there was a wall around the garden so Toby couldn't get out because he was stuck in the corner and he couldn't climb up the walls fast enough and I grabbed him and put him back in my pocket and I said, “He's hungry. Have you got any food I can give him, and some water?”

  And Mother said, “Where's your father, Christopher?”

  And I said, “I think he's in Swindon.”

  And Mr. Shears said, “Thank God for that.”

  And Mother said, “But how did you get here?”

  And my teeth were clicking against each other because of the cold and I couldn't stop them, and I said, “I came on the train. And it was really frightening. And I took Father's cashpoint card so I could get money out and a policeman helped me. But then he wanted to take me back to Father. And he was on the train with me. But then he wasn't.”