Just One of the Guys

Page 18

  Author: Kristan Higgins

  At that moment, a shriek splits the air. “Omigod! Teddy Bear!” Lucia flings herself at Teddy Bear, who has just walked through the door. “Teddy and I have to interview caterers,” Lucia announces with the same triumph as if she’d just announced that she won the Pulitzer.

  “Have fun,” I call amiably.

  “The wedding is only sixteen months away! There’s so much to do! Omigod! You wouldn’t believe it, Chastity! It’s like a full-time job!”

  “I can imagine,” I say dryly. “How long have you been engaged?”

  “Four years and seven months,” Teddy answers instantly. “Let’s get going, sweetums. ” He turns to Lucia, fixes her collar and gives me a fake smile. He has a sharp way of pronouncing the S sound that makes it sound like a hiss. “We can’t have the caterers waiting. And then I have to zip back to work for a meeting with our shareholders. ”

  “Teddy Bear’s the vice president of the company,” Lucia brags.

  “I see,” I answer. “Congratulations. ”

  “Bye, all! Must run. ” Lucia, head high, saunters out of the office, Teddy Bear on her heels.

  “If that guy is straight, then I’m George Clooney,” Pete announces. Wincing, I can’t help but agree.

  At the end of the day, I head for home to grab some dinner before the self-defense class. Taking a bite of the cold pizza from last night, I check my e. Commitment e-mail. My mother has had fifty-nine responses to her profile. Fifty-nine. I’ve had Matt.

  Oh, hey, here’s something! Setting my pizza aside, I click on the message. Dear Girl Next Door, wondering if u want 2 get 2gether. Saw ur picture and thought u sounded cute. I decide to overlook the irritating abbreviations and check out his profile. Hm, not bad-looking. Favorite things to do: Baseball, rollerblading, eating out. So far, so good. Three most important things in his life: My cat, my mom, the Red Sox.

  Sorry, pal. I suppose I could tolerate a Boston fan (as long as the Red Sox agreed never to beat the Yanks again), but combined with his cat and mother, there’s just no hope.

  I reach for my pizza—at least there’s that—only to find that it’s gone. Buttercup is feigning sleep next to my desk. She burps softly. “Shame on you,” I tell her, petting her head with my bare foot. Her tail lashes the floor.

  An hour later, Angela meets me at the YMCA, having accepted my invitation to tag along. Elaina couldn’t go, claiming that my nephew had worn down her last nerve and the only person she wanted to be with tonight was Robert Mondavi. I’d left a message for the teacher, telling him I’d be covering the story for the Gazette and hoped he’d be available to answer questions after the class.

  “Hello, sweetheart!”

  “Mom! What are you doing here?” I ask, eying my mother suspiciously.

  “Your father made me come,” she announces. “He said if I’m going to be dating freaks, scumbags and perverts, then I’d better know how to defend myself. Hello, dear, I’m Chastity’s mother, Betty. ”

  “Hello,” Angela says in her gentle voice.

  “Dad made you come?” I ask, taking off my Binghamton Crew sweatshirt to reveal another in my Lord of the Rings collection: Elf Wanted: Archery Skills & Leather Pants a Must.

  “Well, yes. If something happens to me, after all, who will cook his dinner?”

  “It’s not your cooking he wants to protect, Mom,” I say.

  “Chastity’s father and I are divorced, dear,” Mom explains to Angela. “He’s very bitter. Chastity, sweetheart, I had a lovely date with a nice man named Harry the other night. We might be serious. ”

  Angela cocks an eyebrow at me and then busies herself retying her sneaker.

  “Wow, that’s great, Mom,” I lie flatly.

  The martial-arts room is packed with young women, all of whom, I note, are rather astonishingly attractive. I feel a little grotty in my aging sweats and ragged high-tops when everyone else seems to have these irritating track suits…cute little ensembles with cute little stripes down the side, hoodies cropped short to reveal cute little tummies. There’s a lot of lip gloss in this room, a lot of highlights.

  The door opens, the teacher enters and my mouth falls open in shock.

  It’s Mr. New York Times.

  His presence erases all thought from my mind. He’s here. Mr. New York Times is here. The man I’ve been dying to meet for weeks is teaching this class!

  My brain distantly registers a mass sigh of feminine appreciation that practically causes his hair to flutter. And such hair! Dirty-blond, long enough to curl at the ends, just enough to make him look careless and casual without drifting into unkempt. He’s wearing a black karate uniform that wraps in the front, showing a deep V of golden, glowing skin, and my hand twitches at my side, wanting to Touch. That. Chest.

  “Wow,” Angela whispers. Her face is pink.

  “Holy crap,” I breathe.

  “Good evening, ladies,” he says, smiling, and I stop feeling my legs. His hands go to his belt, and for a brief second, I think he’s going to untie the knot and take off his shirt—Yes! Yes, please!—and a giddy roll of lust rushes through me. But no, no, of course not, he’s just tightening his belt. Just as well. I’d probably jump him. “My name is Ryan Darling, and I’m a fourth degree black belt in kempo karate. I’m also a trauma surgeon”—Good God!—“and I’m sorry to say that I’ve seen firsthand some of the injuries that occur when a woman is attacked. ”

  My mother tsks next to me. I ignore her, too caught in Ryan’s spell to do anything other than close my mouth and swallow. Look at me, I will him. He doesn’t, continuing on with his spiel. I should be listening more carefully, as I am doing a story on him, but my hearing seems to be obscured by lust, which is actually causing my ears to buzz. No matter. I know from experience that I’ll recall his words later…trick of the trade. He moves with catlike grace, pacing in front of the class as he discusses the need for every woman to be able to fight the good fight.

  Ryan claps his hand, snapping me out of my daze. “Okay, let’s get started. Everyone, grab a partner. We’ll start with some basic stances, blocks and punches. ”

  Blocking and punching is something I learned my first week of life. We form lines and imitate our Adonis-like teacher. It is immediately apparent that I am clearly the best student here. Yes, I acknowledge proudly as I help the woman on my left set her feet the proper way, I am a natural at fighting off men. Perhaps this explains some of my dating history, but there it is. I correct Angela’s weak little fist—her thumb wasn’t even across her knuckles, poor lamb—and demonstrate the block with great vigor.

  I might not be the prettiest one here, or the tiniest or the one with the cutest ass showcased in designer sweats, but clearly, I am awesome at fighting. Ryan is at the back of the room, helping my mother and a couple of other women back there. His voice carries to me. “That’s right, good, Betty. Great. Legs a little farther apart. ” God, if he said that to me, I’d throw him to the floor and have my way with him, the rest of the class be damned. My insides quiver with lust.

  We move on to strategic strike zones, and I’m horrified to learn that some women try to pummel their attackers on the chest and shoulders, rather than going for the pathetically vulnerable groin or oh-so-delicate Adam’s apple. Angela holds up a pad for me to hammer-fist. Please. I could have aced this class when I was eight. Still, I imitate Ryan’s punches with sharp efficiency, smacking the pad with quite a few more pounds of force than anyone else manages, causing Angela to stagger back. Surely Dr. Ryan Darling, black belt and surgeon, will note my supremacy at beating the shit out of the punching bag.

  Unfortunately, my strategy isn’t working. Ryan sees those who are struggling and moves through the lines to correct a fist here, demonstrate a block there. Because I am so proficient at man-fighting, his glance flickers right over me.

  “Okay,” Ryan says about a half hour later. Some of the poor lambs, Angela
included, are sweating up a storm. “You’re a great class, so I think we’ll move on to something a little harder. Brittany, would you give me a hand on this one?” Brittany, who looks about nineteen, sways to the front of the room, her long, straight blond hair a curtain of perfection, lip gloss thick as an Exxon spill. She cements her bimbo persona with a light and fluttering giggle.

  “Great. Thanks,” Ryan says. “This next move would be useful if someone was rushing you. You grab the arm of the person, pull them toward you, using his own energy against him. Then you just pull the arm down…boom. Your attacker would flip right over. ” He pantomimes the move in slow motion. “You grab…you pull…you flip. See how easy it is?” Then he grabs Brittany’s hand and does it again, though of course he doesn’t actually flip her. Her face is glowing, and she’s clinging to Ryan’s hand like he’s pulling her out of a pit of molten lava. “Grab…pull…flip. Okay, let’s give it a try. Get with your partners, decide who’s going to go first…”

  Bouncing on the balls of my feet, I turn to Angela. “Don’t hurt me, Chastity,” she whispers, blinking rapidly.

  “I won’t!” I exclaim. “Come on, attack me. ”

  Other women are already rushing at their partners, including my mom, who makes an adorable attacker, I note. No one is actually flipping, although one teenager stumbles. This is my chance to shine, but Angela wrings her hands, shifting her weight nervously.

  “Come on!” I bark. “You’ll be fine. ”

  She, grimaces, closes her eyes and rushes. I grab. I pull. I flip.

  Angela tumbles neatly through the air and lands with a smack on her back. Her breath comes out in a wheeze.

  “Shit! Are you okay? Oh, Ange, I’m so sorry. ” Honestly, I didn’t think she’d be quite so light. Guilt and remorse stain my face with pink. I cover my mouth with one hand. She’s just lying there. “Ange, I’m sorry!”

  Angela adjusts her eyeglasses, which were jarred askew, and blinks up at me.

  “Great job!” Ryan appears at my side, reaches down and helps Angela to her feet. She rubs the small of her back and stares reproachfully at me.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

  “Are you okay?” Ryan asks Angela.

  She nods and smiles ruefully. “My friend here doesn’t know her own strength,” she says.

  “Sorry,” I say yet again.

  Ryan Darling turns to me. “What’s your name?” he asks, cocking his head. “You’re really good at this. ”

  “I have four older brothers,” I murmur demurely, then smile. “Hi. I’m Chastity O’Neill. ” About freaking time he noticed me, I think, then immediately forgive him. His bone structure alone could send the Greeks to war…and his eyes! A pure, clear, Derek Jeter green. Man, oh, man. Nice work, God.

  He’s returning my look just as intently. My knees nearly buckle. “From the paper?” he asks softly. Nice voice, quiet and deep and gentle, and I can just imagine him saying, Chastity, I’ve been looking for a woman like you all my life.

  “Mm-hm,” I squeak, unable to form actual words at the moment.

  “Great. ” He smiles, my girl parts clench, and he turns to the class. “Chastity here did a perfect job!” Ryan announces. “In fact,” he continues, “Chastity, why don’t you come up here with me? We can demonstrate how to break a choke hold. ”

  He takes my hand—Pause for a moment, Chas, let it sink in—yes, he takes my hand in his own warm, strong, brilliant surgeon’s hand and leads me to the front of the class. There are many sour faces looking back at me, and I smile modestly (I hope. Frankly, I feel as triumphant as Attila the Hun conquering Europe. Take that, you size zeroes!).