Depressional Thoughts

onal Thoughts

  By Kennie Kayoz

  Copyright 2011 Coyotes Publishing

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  Kennie -

  Depressional Thoughts

  For the last three days I've been depressed, keeping to myself.

  Thinking about all the bullshit and stress back at the other house.

  Everything always getting dumped on me.

  No way to escape it.

  Shiny objects looking friendlier and friendlier.

  Not wanting to be in this world anymore.

  No I'm not on any sort of pill.

  No I don't want to be on any sort of pill.

  My depression continues to get worse and worse.

  I continue to feel as if I can't do anything right.

  I'm doing nothing but screwing up everyones lives.

  They would be better off without me.

  They would be alot happier without me.

  I can't help but think that, and at times say it too.

  My girlfriend says she wouldn't be.

  But over the last week or so we've had very little good things happen.

  Happiness isn't something that comes to either one of us much anymore.

  The depression of one drags the other one down.

  Constantly living in a world of grey and black.

  Constantly wanting to leave this world in a pool of red.

  Or with an empty bottle beside me.

  - Kennie -

  All You Do...

  All you do is yell at me.

  Tell me that I'm not good enough.

  Tell me that so and so did the job so I have to do it better.

  I can't stand this, your stressing me out.

  What would happen if I started to shout.

  Nothing, nobody would hear, would do no good.

  I feel as if I got nothing I can do.

  To make myself feel better.

  All you do is yell at me.

  Tell me that I'm not good enough.

  Tell me that so and so did the job so I have to do it better.

  No wonder I've had thoughts of suicide in my mind.

  Thinking that if I did so everything would be fine.

  You tell me that this is the life I chose.

  Every night I goto bed angry, every morning I rose.

  All you do is yell at me.

  Tell me that I'm not good enough.

  Tell me that so and so did the job so I have to do it better.

  Would things have been better if I did turn to the knife.

  Thinking that in the end all would be right.

  I would not see the bright light.

  I wouldn't think hell would be any worse than this.

  I doubt that I would even be missed.

  All you do is yell at me.

  Tell me that I'm not good enough.

  Tell me that so and so did the job so I have to do it better.

  Kennie Kayoz

  Election or Erection ?

  Why do we vote ?

  I feel like we're all slaves and we don't even know it...

  In the USA they're trying to encourage people to register to vote.

  In Canada they don't give a shit, that's why our polls are a fucking joke.

  ... Lets step out the box for a moment....

  We have a election coming up, and it's all fucking retarded.

  There's Stephen Harper fighting tooth and nail against Helena Guergis

  Yet they both what my vote.

  It's like standing in the middle of two bullies as they fight each other and they try to convince you that one's a better friend than the other.

  It's all a "He Said" "She Said" sort of battle.

  Not really any different then having two babies and taking one of the rattles.

  While they're fighting whose going to run the country.

  Are they really up for doing what's best for me ?

  They all claim the exact same thing "Lower Taxes & More Jobs"

  But really what they're saying is "Higher taxes so you can pay me you slobs"

  Why would they even give two shits about the common man.

  It's common that they act this way just to get our vote.

  When they finally get up in office they're minds go blank.

  It all becomes "me me me me me" is all they want to please.

  Taxes and Gas go up...

  Jobs are tougher to find, they become less and less.

  As the country becomes a bigger mess.

  You all go against your word once you get into office.

  So tell me while your all busy screwing over people like me why should I give a shit and vote for you ?

  Anyone of you, not just the two I named... But anyone of you why, why should I give a shit to vote ?

  No reason too.

  Everything ends up the same.

  Nobody ends up happy.

  The end of an election is just like finishing masterbating, your always tired, exhausted and ready for bed and yet you can't help but feel that you put all your energy into the task that was in your hand...

  - Kennie -

  From Friend 2 Asshole..

  A few months back you were saying we were the best friends you could have.

  Always cared, always doing anything you asked of us.

  Then you took time off work, had your sister call in.

  A few random text messages saying things aren't good and to call.

  I called some guy named "Mike" answers the phone.

  Later sending me a text message claiming you had relations with my fiance.

  After questioning her and watching her goto tears infront of me the anger built.

  It continues to build as your silence now becomes your way of life.

  No longer giving a shit about you.

  Thinking every day how I would have reacted if you said it to my face.

  You of all people to say something like that.

  Already knowing you were intimidated of me due to my size.

  I got another size that can be placed between your ex-wifes thighs.

  She can feel what it's like to be with a real man.

  Not the one who quickly turns yellow and takes the cowardly stand.

  Hope your silence continues cause it'll forever be the death of you from my life.

  - Kennie -

  Grass Cutting

  Got told to cut the grass today.

  I complained saying its too wet.

  It rained shortly after to add to the wetness.

  Got bitched at later on.

  Once again to cut the grass.

  You can see the deck still wet from the rain we had.

  For some reason people don't understand

  They think the grass is insta-dry.

  But under cloudy skies.

  Lay down salt and it can be insta-die.

  I've always hated cutting the grass.

  But it pisses me off more when u watch it rain.

  Then tell me to go out and cut a few hours later.

  You think you know what your talking about.

  Worried about weeds taking over.

  But puddles to walk through are fine.

  Gotta drop everything just for you.

  But when you forked out triple digits.

  You said you would help out.

  Now when you go and do it, You scream and shout.

  I don't get you.

  Never have never will.

  You expect me to drop everything for you.

  But yet you won't help me
when I need it.

  Remembered my last job.

  Had to borrow money for pants and shoes.

  The new shoes and clothes who bought'em ?

  Not you, you wouldn't give me a dollar for a drink.

  Since realizing it I've sat back more.

  I've got bitched at more.

  I can't help but get pissed off more.

  I won't be here for a week.

  You need to learn.

  But I already know.

  When I'm gone....

  It won't get done.

  Kennie Kayoz

  I Can't Stand This...

  I feel like shit.

  Been in the bathroom like 4 times before u get home.

  You walk in, act all concerned.

  Then tell me to go cut the grass.

  The words "suck it up buttercup" makes me want to punch u.

  With each passing syllable harder and harder.

  Till you don't get up.

  Maybe then I'll feel better.

  I doubt it, nothing could make me feel any better.

  All you do is anger me.

  Cause me to want to scream at you.

  As you blatanly ignore me.

  Smile and say "I love you" or "your awesome"

  Still want to punch you with each passing syllable.

  Why can't you do something for yourself.

  Instead of making more work for me.

  I leave it, you keep screaming and screaming.

  Makes me want to punch you more and more.

  The oldest son you love, you worship.

  You ask him to do nothing and praise him for it.

  But me you dump everything on me.

  Makes me want to scream.

  Even though when I open my mouth

  Nothing comes out.

  Stress continues to build up.

  I have so much stress there's no way it could all leave.

  I just can't stand this

  Wish I could just release some stress.

  In some way, some how.

  But nothing seems to ever work.

  - Kennie Kayoz -

  I Need A Change

  I need a change

  In my life and the way I'm living.

  I need a change

  In my life and the way I'm living.

  I need a change in my life.

  I'm tired of myself and everything about me.

  From the smallest detail to the biggest one.

  I want to change my look.

  I want to change my religion.

  I respect all religions.

  But for some reason things just don't seem to fit.

  They all want to punish the same thing before I commit.

  But you hear of all these "born agains" who have committed.

  It makes me scratch my head and wonder.

  Does that really work or is it just a blunder.

  I need a change

  In my life and the way I'm living.

  I need a change

  In my life and the way I'm living.

  - Kennie Kayoz -

  The Unwanted Family

  Why is my family always unwanted.

  9 Different cages

  7 Cages with mice in them.

  2 With hamsters.

  The one who I’m suppose to call mother won’t let me bring them to her place.

  But yet she wants me to be there and be happy as well to help.

  To stay happy I need the family cause they’ve been there for me.

  But of course she don’t care, just like she don’t care about me.

  I don’t want to move back cause the family can’t come as she don’t want them.

  If she don’t want them then she don’t need me back.

  On the street is my future.

  I knew that was my fait back in the day when my mom got mad.

  But now all she does is argue with me, no matter what gets said.

  The Unwanted Family is just like me.

  I’m unwanted too.

  - Kennie Kayoz -

  Letters Of Depression #1

  I can’t drastically change my life anymore.

  I’ve grown old, bitter & sore.

  I don’t want to be alone.

  The emptiness has gotten to me already.

  I never know what I’m going to do tomorrow.

  I never know what to do today.

  My life got drastically changed twice in less than a year.

  I can’t stand this, I can’t go on like this.

  It’s always been changing for the worse.

  It’s never been changing for the better.

  For once I wish it would change to benefit me an not hurt me…

  - Kennie Kayoz -

  Deep Depression

  Hurting me is perhaps the only way around this.

  Show that I can’t go on like this and that I must look for a guiding light.

  No more of lifes struggles or the eternal fight.

  The pain in my mind continues to be an eternal freight.

  To listen to the dark voices inside my head.

  Continue to picture myself in a casket dead.

  The deep depression has gotten to me numerous times through out my life.

  I wonder if I’d ever beable to find a wife.

  The depression got me doubting everything around me.

  I never thought I would go back to this deep depression.

  I don’t even want to think about what lays beyond this deep depression for me.

  I just don’t want to ….

  - Kennie Kayoz -

  Hurting Myself

  I continue to proceed to hurt myself.

  Both internally an externally, no matter what it takes.

  I know I’m down now and got to remain this way.

  I shall continue to hold this above me.

  Never again shall I be full of happy an glee.

  That just wouldn’t be me…

  That would be someone else to beable to bounce back.

  I have been given enough flak.

  About everything from hair, looks to music.

  It’s gotten to the point that it has made me sick.

  - Kennie Kayoz -

  Just Want It To End

  I just want all this shit to end.

  I want to move an keep everyone of my friends.

  But I know by the time all this does end.

  I won’t have a single friend.

  The family will be no longer.

  An I shall not be any stronger.

  Everyone wants me to live the lives they want.

  No one wants me to be any different than them.

  No matter how hard I try they want me to do what they want.

  Why is it that they won’t let me be me.

  I just want all this shit to end.

  I just want to remain with all my furry friends.

  - Kennie Kayoz -

  4 Corners

  Workin just down the street from the scene of my fathers last breath.

  Havin to look out an constantly remember the crash that caused my fathers death.

  Not the best way to work when your standing around all night doing little to none.

  Laughing, jokin around, but little things not keeping your mind off things that aren’t fun.

  Loosing your place at work an havin to stand around totally confused an can’t think.

  Havin to pay for every portion of food an drink.

  Things getting harder an harder as the night goes on.

  Not bein able to think straight not bein able to get certain thoughts outta ya head.

  Tellin people that your not gonna go back an you’d rather be dead.

  - Kennie Kayoz -

  Snow Fall

  Havin the night stuck inside the store in which you work.

  Watchin the snow fall, an have to worry bout the drive home.

  Short drive but 4 corners got the nightmare wrapped around’em.

  Not realizing
how much it has affected his mind at this time.

  The snowfall continues as the plows roar by.

  Uncertain about how the night would continue to look under a white sheet.

  Hopin that things won’t turn into a ice rink.

  Tons of turns an hills await the drive home.

  Kennie remained silent not sayin much to Crystal.

  She remained worried about wonderin what was wrong.

  He later explained himself after he spent the day sleepin in his bed.

  Wakin up to find out she wasn’t going to stop by.

  The thoughts of everything continued to flow through Kennie’s mind.

  But he didn’t have to work tonight so everything remained fine.

  - Kennie Kayoz -

  No More Time At Tims

  That uniform won’t be seen on me at anytime in the near future.

  I maybe a superman but that shit be hauntin me like lex luther.

  The mentality in which things put in my mind isn’t anything I want to deal.

  Playin cards with the devil when I know that my fate is already sealed.

  I know that my life has to get better an I have to get my ass up.

  To continue on with another job in which isn’t near the scene of death.

  Already think about the accident doesn’t need to see the scene constantly.

  Stood around doin nothing the last hour to tell ya honestly.

  They don’t need anymore help, they need direction.

  They won’t see me anymore, I’d rather be hung.

  Puttin these lyrics to a song.

  Maybe my only way outta what lays ahead of me.

  If they think they can see me again.

  They got another thing coming considerin I be getting another job real quick.

  - Kennie Kayoz -

  Pathetic

  I can't help but sit here and feel that certain people are pathetic.

  They comment on there own stuff before anyone reads it.

  I really do feel sorry for them.

  But I guess if I wrote that badly.

  I would attempt at things like that too.

  This isn't the first time I've seen it.

  Won't be the last time either.

  But if that's what they need to do.

  In order for people to read what they write.

  Then I guess that's what they feel is right.

  Spend your time commenting on your own stuff.

  If that's what you see fit.

  If you dislike your read count.

  Go sit in the corner and pout.

  Kennie Kayoz

  Sad

  All I do anymore is feel sad.

  Not sure what has gotten me feeling so bad.

  For the most part I just want to sit and cry.

  I've always hated my life.

  Not sure what I do anymore to make myself happy.

  Guess anything I write, is anything but sappy.

  At times the thoughts in my own mind don't make sense.

  Wishing I could live in a world of just happy thoughts.

  A yellow and black happy faces, nothing but positive thoughts.

  But that's not the world as we know it.

  The world is becoming nothing more than shit.

  I can't stand the way things go.

  I try to do my best

  But my best isn't anything according to the rest.

  Always getting left behind.

  The world moves so fast around me.

  But mine can't keep up.

  I don't know how people manage.

  - Kennie -

  So Hideous

  Why was I made so hideous.

  People always think that I'm so ugly.

  Always thinking I'm the one outside in the bushes.

  The creep that roams the street at night.

  Decided to never take care of myself long ago.

  Letting myself get worse and worse.

  For the day that I end up in a hearse.

  Nobody will give me the time of day.

  Nobody will hire me.

  They all judge by what they see.

  Many say different but they all change there tune.

  I always sit alone in the dark.

  People only smile when they walk by.

  Knowing that they don't have to see me all the time.

  I'm so hideous, why do people even care about me.

  Why do people even want anything to do with me.

  Kennie Kayoz

  The Rain...

  Woke up in the morning, roamed above ground.

  As the light hits me, see what I found.

  The deck was wet, it was still falling.

  I put my head against the window.

  It made it seem as if I was crying on the outside.

  Atleast my reflection can show some emotion.

  I stand there with a blank stare.

  As the rain continues to run down the window.

  Giving the impression that I'm still crying.

  But sadly feeling no better on the inside.

  Not sure if I have any emotion but anger inside.

  When my father died, I forced tears out.

  Did so in the bathroom so no one could see.

  It only happened once.

  I sit and stare while it continues to rain

  Kennie Kayoz

  Untitled

  If you love me let me know.

  So I can run away before I know.

  My heart is just to black to care.

  It's gone through too much, thick and thin, wear and tear.

  To live with me and my hate.

  I wouldn't put your money on anything that could be my fate.

  I know it won't be good.

  I wouldn't know where to go, or if I should.

  My soul was taken long ago.

  If I was to change, I hope I wouldn't know.

  I still watch you from outside, I know I'd never be able to come in.

  Your world is so innocent and my world is full of sin.

  I press my hand against the cold window.

  In