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Count Orlok: The Bloody Truth about the Greatest Vampire to Ever Un-Live

Justin Blasdel




  Count Orlok

  The Bloody Truth about the Greatest Vampire Ever to Un-Live

  By

  Justin Blasdel

  Inspired by the film, “Nosferatu: Symphony of the Night”

  by F.W. Murnau

  Copyright

  Justin Blasdel

  6/10/10

  Version 5

  [email protected]

  Primary Cast

  (Characters/Actors)

  Count Orlok: Vain, Monstrous Creature of the Night/Same

  Ellen Hutter: Innocent, Beautiful Wife/Young Vampire Groupie

  Thomas Hutter: Foolhardy Businessman/Arrogant Snot

  Professor Bulwar (BULL-var): Enigmatic Scientist/ Professional Actor

  Knock (kuh-NAHK): Odd, Repulsive Minion of Evil/Same

  Secondary Cast

  Mrs. Ruth Harding: Family Friend

  Edward Giles Buffington the Third: Director

  Jamie: Asst. Director

  Villagers: Folks of the Old World

  Doctors: A Disbelieving Bunch

  Stagehands: Underpaid and Overworked

  Time

  Present; Late 19th Century, Fall

  Place

  A Theatre; Weisberg, Germany and Transylvania, Romania

  Production Notes: This play is written as if the film "Nosferatu: Symphony of the Night" had never been made. My rule of "in character" and "breaking character" is that when one "breaks character", all following lines are to be understood as "breaking character" too, until said otherwise in stage directions or before character dialogue. The Secondary Cast lends itself to double casting (except for BUFFINGTON and JAMIE) at your convenience. Also, the scenery for each scene should be somewhat visible to the audience during the whole performance and be kind of low quality to express the small budget COUNT ORLOK and his crew have to work with. A STAGEHAND should be designated as the announcer for each scene's title as well as placing title cards on a easel.

  ACT I

  PROLOGUE: THE GLORIOUS VILLAIN GRACES US WITH HIS PRESENCE.

  Organ music plays a song meant for a champion of the people, the hero of an epic tale, a messiah to the hopeless. Center and Downstage are bare except for pieces of the scenery to come.

  When the music reaches its peak, the organ stops playing and a spotlight shines down upon the stage. BUFFINGTON walks out and bows to the audience.

  BUFFINGTON is a respectable, majestic, low-level devil who takes pride in HIMSELF and HIS supernatural species.

  BUFFINGTON

  Thank you, thank you. I am Edward Giles Buffington the Third, and the Walking Dead Theatre Troupe and I are honored that you have graced us with your presence. For years, our theatre company has relied upon the endless charity of your wonderful organization. You, the Supernatural Underworld of Creatures for Killing, or S-U-C-K, have funded our legendary titles such as “The Werewolves’ Barber Shop”, “A Dime a Demon”, and let’s not forget the world famous “Honey, I Ate the Children”.

  BUFFINGTON takes a moment to laugh with the crowd.

  BUFFINGTON

  Yes, we all remember that cute little story of the hungry zombie who couldn’t wait for dinner. Following that grand legacy, we come to you with another story. "Count Orlok: The Bloody Truth about the Greatest Vampire ever to Un-Live". A story that is demanded by the injustices of our time. A story meant to set the record straight about vampire kind once and for all. A story…a fable...to show the world that vampires are not the ivory statue, emotionally distraught creatures that Hollywood makes them out to be. No, they are not teenage Adonises searching hundreds of years for the perfect girlfriend. No, they are not productive citizens who fight evil in order to redeem themselves...somehow. No, they are evil creatures of the night without a moral fiber in their entire corpses. And to prove this point, the legendary Count Orlok brings us his version, the true version, of his most prolific conquest over the forces of good. A story of love and family, and how evil always triumphs over it. Tonight, Count Orlok will show you all what it truly means to be a vampire, and S.U.C.K. willing, the world! Let us begin.

  As BUFFINGTON moves to exit, JAMIE nervously and apologetically walks onto the stage and whispers something into BUFFINGTON’s ear.

  BUFFINGTON

  She's what?!?

  JAMIE

  I'm so sorry.

  BUFFINGTON

  How can we start the play with our lead actress missing? Can you tell me that? Hmm?

  JAMIE

  The last time I saw her, she was talking to Count Orlok, and then I heard a scream and--

  BUFFINGTON

  Whatever. We'll have to go with the understudy. (to audience) So sorry. One moment, please. (to offstage) Ms. Dillon! Ms. Dillon, come here quickly!

  ELLEN (or rather the understudy for ELLEN) enters. SHE is young, innocent, and full of spunk. SHE has obviously been waiting for this moment HER whole life, and this is a dream come true.

  ELLEN

  Hello, Mr. B! I'm here, and you can call me Zoe--if you like.

  BUFFINGTON

  Ms. Dillon, you will be playing the role of Ellen tonight. Congratulations.

  ELLEN

  Really?! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! You won't regret it!

  ELLEN runs offstage.

  BUFFINGTON

  Ms. Dillon, the dressing rooms are that way.

  ELLEN runs onstage.

  ELLEN

  Sorry! I'm just so excited! You understand, right? I'll be ready in a bit!

  ELLEN exits.

  BUFFINGTON

  The Devil help us all. (to audience) Enjoy the show...hopefully.

  BUFFINGTON exits, leaving JAMIE behind.

  BUFFINGTON (OS)

  Jamie, off the stage! Now!

  JAMIE exits.

  SFX: The sound system turns on as a microphone is being plugged into it offstage.

  BUFFINGTON's voice can be heard from the sound system.

  BUFFINGTON

  (to HIMSELF) Is it working yet?...(clears HIS throat, to audience) Nosferatu! Does this word not sound like the deathbird calling your name at night? Beware you never say it, for then the pictures of life will fade to shadows, haunting dreams will climb forth from your heart and feed from your blood. (to HIMSELF) This is horrible. I have half a mind to take this little intro of mine and wipe my--

  SFX: the microphone is disconnected.

  The spotlight circles the stage as it builds anticipation. The music has returned and joins the spotlight in the increase of energy. Then the spotlight stops at the side of the stage, and the music stops as well. After a few seconds, the spotlight searches for its apparently absent target. From within the audience, ORLOK stands and shouts.

  ORLOK

  I'm standing right here! I enter from the audience! Do you remember nothing?!

  ORLOK is a venomous spider, always poised to attack upon the unsuspecting fly. HIS touch brings a chill akin to seeing a fresh corpse, and HIS smile terrorizes even the cruelest of demons.

  ORLOK stands, the light finds HIM, and HE begins to sing with the organ playing once again. HE walks along the aisles, moving towards the stage.

  ORLOK'S PLEA FOR ACCEPTANCE

  ORLOK

  I AM DEATH, THE END,

  YOUR DISEASE, A FRIEND

  TO THOSE PREPARED TO DESCEND.

  I AM PAIN, TORTURE,

  AFFLICTION, SCRIPTURE

  TO THOSE WHOSE FATES ARE UNSURE.

  I NEVER DISCRIMINATE

&n
bsp; ON WHO I ELIMINATE.

  OLD OR YOUNG,

  BOTH ARE FUN

  TO FUFILL THEIR DARKEST FATES.

  DARKNESS DOES EXIST,

  AND IT MUST SUBSIST

  ON FEAR

  AND ON SIN.

  THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN.

  The music vamps under ORLOK's voice.

  ORLOK

  Welcome, my family. It does me good to see many evil souls sitting together, and I see familiar faces too.

  ORLOK points out an audience member for every name.

  ORLOK

  Dr. Frankenstein and his assistant. The Mummy and her little ones. Dr. Jekyll-wait, no-Mr. Hyde tonight, I see. Former President Nixon, my cousin. I invite all of you tonight to witness my story; the true story of the vampyre [vam-PEER-uh]. No more will humans wish to be us, but they will fear us as they should! I am sickened when I see the young make their faces white, their nails black, and wear fake teeth in their mouths. In the old days, they feared us.

  ORLOK (CONT.)

  They did not think us pretty or sexy. Yuck! They saw what we are: ugly and terrifying. Television poisons their minds, makes them idiots who drool on our boots, and they beg to be like us. They beg for it! And they think ridiculous things about us: we cry blood when we are sad, we explode when needles touch our skin, and our flesh glitters in sunlight. Foolishness! We are monsters. We feast on souls and drink blood, and they are hogs who lie down on the supper table! But…I will remind them. I will remind them why they must fear us. With this show, I will make them see the cruelty of monsters. We have no pity! We have no humanity! We have no...conscience. (ORLOK spits on the ground) We need blood. That is all. And with the help of S.U.C.K, I can make this show bigger, better, and so famous these vampire lies will die in the darkness of truth! The humans must fear us! Are we not monsters?!

  STAGEHANDS (OS)

  Yes!

  ORLOK

  Are we not monsters?!

  STAGEHANDS (OS)

  Yes!!!

  ORLOK

  Then let us live as monsters once again!

  The organ music trails a little behind ORLOK's song, as if someone wasn't prepared to play it again.

  ORLOK

  ONLY I CAN KILL

  WITH NO GUILT, OR THRILL

  THAT WOULD DAMN ME FOREVER ILL.

  FOR YOU SEE, I DO

  WHAT I'M MEANT TO DO,

  AND NEVER EXPECT "THANK YOU"S.

  THE WORLD MUST HAVE ITS SHADOWS,

  AS COURTS MUST HAVE THEIR GALLOWS

  FOR SOME PEACE

  AND RELEASE

  IN A GRAVE THAT'S NICE AND SHALLOW.

  BUFFINGTON enters and walks over to ORLOK, looking apologetically towards the audience.

  ORLOK

  IT MAY SEEM UNFAIR,

  BUT YOU MUST BEWARE

  THAT LIFE,

  MEANS NOTHING

  IF ROBBED OF AN EARNED END--

  BUFFINGTON taps on ORLOK’s shoulder, and the music stumbles to a halt.

  BUFFINGTON

  What are you doing? We cut this half of your song.

  ORLOK

  You dare interrupt me! Me, the first shadow that crawled out of darkness? Me, the angel of death to a hundred cities? Me, the—

  BUFFINGTON

  We already agreed to cut the second verse, and we’re running short on time. (To audience) Again, I’m so sorry. (To ORLOK) Just stick to latest version of the script, please. Can you do that for me? Can you?

  Beat.

  ORLOK

  Come with me. I need to tell you…something…over there.

  BUFFINGTON

  Sure, it’s not like we have a show to run. (To audience) I’ll be right back.

  ORLOK exits offstage with BUFFINGTON following.

  Beat.

  BUFFINGTON screams out a horrible cry.

  Beat.

  ORLOK enters, wiping HIS mouth with HIS sleeve.

  ORLOK

  Delicious. Mr. Edward Giles Buffington the Third is...feeling under the weather. Well, no more of that Director. Jamie. Jamie!

  JAMIE enters.

  JAMIE, an extremely nervous looking woman, considering what just happened to BUFFINGTON. SHE is like a laboratory rat caught in a field of mousetraps.

  ORLOK

  You are no longer the Assistant Director, but the real Director. You're welcome.

  JAMIE

  Th-th-thank y-y-y—

  ORLOK

  Leave!

  JAMIE runs off.

  ORLOK

  Where was I? "Only I can kill...", no, not that. "I am pain, torture..", not that either. "I drink your blood...", I drink your blood? That's not part of the song! Forget it! I am through! (to STAGEHANDS) Bring in the first scene! (to audience) Enjoy.

  ORLOK exits.

  END PROLOGUE

  1.1 THE LOVERS ARE CAUGHT IN THE SPIDER'S WEB

  The STAGEHANDS rush about to place a few chairs down, a table, a door, and a window with a fake cat sitting on its sill.

  The Hutter's House; Weisberg, Germany. It has the cheery atmosphere that a young, loving couple brings with them wherever they go. The fake cat on the windowsill is quite obviously a stuffed one, and no attempt has been made to make it seem alive.

  ELLEN HUTTER enters in character. SHE is a young, beautiful woman who embodies all the innocence that has managed to survive in such a dark world. Though SHE might occasionally be sad, SHE always manages to find the positive of any negative situation.

  ELLEN

  Oh, what a beautiful day. The sun is smiling brightly, the birds are singing merrily, and the flowers are perfuming sweetly. It's days like these that remind me that heaven can be found on Earth…if you stop and take the time to look around you. Isn't that right, Mr. Pouncy? Mr. Pouncy? Puss-puss-puss-puss?

  ELLEN walks over to the fake cat and pets it.

  ELLEN

  What's wrong, Mr. Pouncy? You feel like all the life's been drained from you. Are you not feeling well? I know what it is. Yesterday was your birthday, and you're feeling grumpy about turning thirty-five. Isn't that right? Yes it is. Yes it is, my little snuggle-bum.

  ELLEN scratches the fake cat's belly, and it accidentally falls off. The actress for ELLEN quickly puts it back on the sill, returning to character.

  ELLEN

  Well, that's not a good reason to be grumpy at all. Everyone gets older. It's the natural way. Be thankful for how young you are, because one day you might find yourself ready to go to sleep in a coffin. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. Let's dance. Will you dance with me, Mr. Pouncy? Of course you will.

  ELLEN does the waltz with the fake cat around the room. THOMAS enters, hiding a bouquet of flowers behind HIS back.

  THOMAS is the young go-getter every boss dreams of having as an employee. HE's ambitious, brave, intelligent, and most importantly obedient. HE is a loving husband, but business comes before levity.

  The actor playing THOMAS is arrogant and prissy, but HE does have some talent.

  THOMAS

  My, my Ellen, I...(breaks character) Where the hell is Sheila?

  The actress ELLEN shrugs.

  ELLEN

  Thomas, you've come home!

  SHE places the fake cat back on the windowsill.

  THOMAS

  Oh, my God. Whatever. Let's do this, and get it over with. (In character) Don't I always?

  THOMAS lifts HIS chin in the air for its customary greeting kiss. ELLEN rushes over and happily pecks HIM on the cheek.

  ELLEN

  How was your day?

  THOMAS

  It was fine. I brought you a present.

  ORLOK can be seen creeping Onstage and looking longingly at the young couple.

  ELLEN

  You did?

  THOMAS

  Close your eyes.

  ELLEN closes HER eyes.

  THOMAS

  Hold out your han
d.

  ELLEN holds out HER hand, and THOMAS places the flowers in it.

  THOMAS

  You can open them now.

  ELLEN does. Instead of gratitude, ELLEN reacts to the flowers like they are a small bunny rabbit that has just breathed its last breath.

  THOMAS

  What's wrong? Don't you like them?

  ELLEN

  Thomas, they're dead. They were such beautiful flowers, and now they're dead. They'll never again breathe fresh air or enjoy a sunny day. Oh...Thomas.

  ELLEN lays HER head on THOMAS's chest for comfort. THOMAS laughs and holds HER in HIS arms.

  THOMAS

  My poor, poor wife. You're like a small child, and I your father. Forever will I keep you in my arms, till death do us apart.

  THEY kiss.

  ORLOK

  This new Ellen, she is so beautiful, so young, so...

  ORLOK realizes that he is talking out loud.

  ORLOK

  Disgusting! Yuck! Young love curdles the blood in my stomach like old milk!

  ORLOK spits on the ground and exits. ELLEN is infatuated with ORLOK.

  ELLEN

  He's so dreamy.

  THOMAS

  And so unprofessional. (in character) I'm sorry, Ellen. I'll remember to bring you potted flowers next time.

  ELLEN

  (Breaking character) Oh, right. (back in character) You take such good care of me.

  THOMAS

  I know.

  ELLEN

  What would I ever do without you?

  THOMAS

  Probably die. Luckily, you do have me, and I have you, and forever it will stay that way.

  ELLEN

  Promise?

  THOMAS

  There isn't a force in this world capable of tearing us apart.

  SFX: Three ominous knocks at the door.

  As the knocks become more repetitive, the actor THOMAS will have to speak over them.

  THOMAS

  A visitor? Were we expecting anyone?

  ELLEN

  No one that I know of.

  THOMAS

  Hmm. Let's invite this unknown --

  SFX: Three ominous knocks at the door.

  THOMAS

  (Louder) Hmm. Let's invite this unknown --

  SFX: Three ominous knocks at the door.

  THOMAS

  (Shouting at door) Let's invite this...(normal voice, to ELLEN) Sorry. Let's invite this unknown visitor of ours, yes?

  ELLEN

  No, don't!

  THOMAS

  Ellen, don't be rude. It might be a priest, come to--

  SFX: Three ominous knocks at the door.

  THOMAS

  Come to bless our new house, looking for a handout.

  ELLEN

  Or an evil man come to curse it. Whom do we know who knocks like that? It is a dreadful knock.

  THOMAS

  Nonesense! Such men--

  SFX: Three ominous knocks at the door.

  THOMAS

  (Louder) Such men do not exist in these lands. Our innate sense of goodness would repel any evil maker from our ranks. No sinful--

  SFX: Three ominous knocks at the door.

  TOMAS

  (Shouting to KNOCK offstage) No sinful deed is possible to enact in my homeland. Not in God's country!

  KNOCK (OS)

  I demand in Beelzebub's name, open this door!

  THOMAS

  (breaking character, to HIMSELF) I hate character actors.

  THOMAS runs to the door and opens it.

  KNOCK enters, holding a satchel in both hands, close to HIS heart.

  KNOCK is a ghoul of a man. HIS eyes are hungry and desperate, always looking to thin the human herd. This is also who the man (not actor) playing KNOCK is in real life.

  THOMAS

  Mr. Knock! I'm honored you'd--

  KNOCK

  Who?

  THOMAS

  Mr. Knock. I'm honored--

  KNOCK

  Who?

  THOMAS

  Mr. Knock. You. (breaking character) Your character.

  KNOCK

  My name's Bill.

  The actor THOMAS bites HIS lip and clenches HIS fists.

  THOMAS

  (in character) Mr. Knock! I'm honored you'd come to visit my wife and me in our recently purchased house...on cue this time. A house I could only have purchased by means of the generous salary you've given me.

  THOMAS holds out HIS hand to be shook. KNOCK sniffs it, gives a little growl, and then walks around the room sniffing everything and looking for small insects to consume.

  THOMAS

  This is Ellen. My wife.

  ELLEN

  How do you do?

  KNOCK growls.

  ELLEN

  Could I get you something to eat? Biscuits and tea, perhaps?

  THOMAS

  (breaking character) A bone?

  KNOCK

  I...do not eat...food.

  ELLEN

  Oh! I know what you are. You're a minion, right? A servant of Count Orlok, doomed to eat bugs and stuff until you die or he turns you. That's so cool! And you're acting the part of the original minion of Count Orlok! Awesome.

  THOMAS

  (in character) Ellen, go and make me a cup of tea. I'm sure we men have business to talk about.

  ELLEN

  (breaking character) Right. Gotcha. (in character) I live to serve you.

  ELLEN bows and exits. The actor KNOCK eyes the fake cat and stalks it like a hawk a mouse. The actor THOMAS is confused.

  THOMAS

  Mr. Knock....what are you doing?

  KNOCK puts HIS finger to HIS lips to say "Shh!".

  KNOCK

  (Whispering) Hunting.

  The actor THOMAS looks at the audience and quickly decides to ad lib to continue the scene.

  THOMAS

  That's our cat, Mr. Pouncy. He's quite friendly, although a little stiff. (breaking character, whispering) If we could get back to the script, I'd--

  KNOCK

  No!

  THOMAS

  No?

  KNOCK

  You've ruined it! Now it knows I meant to capture it. You've taken the element of surprise!

  THOMAS

  (to offstage) Mr. Buffington!

  JAMIE enters, holding the script.

  THOMAS

  What? Is Mr. Buffington gone too?

  JAMIE

  Well...you know.

  JAMIE makes a fangs movement with HER fingers over HER mouth.

  THOMAS

  That's just wonderful.

  SHE holds the script in front of KNOCK and points to a line.

  KNOCK

  Sit...down. We...have...business.

  JAMIE exits.

  KNOCK sits down on a chair and opens the satchel. HE pulls out a few documents and quickly closes the satchel.

  THOMAS

  (In character) So what's this new business concerning?

  Beat.

  THOMAS

  So what's this new business concerning?

  Beat.

  JAMIE rushes out with a script again and holds it in front of KNOCK. KNOCK takes it away and keeps a hold of it.

  KNOCK

  Mr. Hutter, you are a young, healthy, juicy man of much strength.

  KNOCK waves JAMIE away, and SHE exits.

  THOMAS

  Thank you. I try to keep very fit.

  KNOCK

  Shut up! I speak now!

  THOMAS

  Okay?

  KNOCK

  I have a rich client needing land in Weisberg. He's chosen the mansion resting across from your new home.

  THOMAS

  Wow, that's a pleasant coincidence.

  KNOCK

  Yes, it is. Shut up!

  THOMAS

  (Breaking character) You know, I have lines to say in this scene, too.


  KNOCK

  I said shut up! I am more important to the master than you! Show me respect!

  Again, THOMAS bites HIS lip.

  THOMAS

  Yes, sir.

  KNOCK

  My Master--client is happy with the property, but he wants someone to carry the contract to his castle. He does not trust the mail services in his homeland.

  THOMAS

  Nor should he.

  KNOCK

  No, he shouldn't. Shut up!

  THOMAS

  Yes, sir.

  KNOCK

  He lives in Transylvania. (to audience) That's in Romania. (to THOMAS) It will be a long journey, but the rewards would be great. I'd offer...thirty percent of the commission to the young meal--man who would be willing to carry this contract for me. I'm old and feeble. I wouldn't make the trip. You could. You could survive the trip there. What do you say?

  A Beat. The actor THOMAS is cautions about replying.

  THOMAS

  I'd love--

  KNOCK (CONT.)

  Speak!

  Beat.

  THOMAS

  I'd love to take this opportunity. Thank you, sir. Thank you, thank you--

  KNOCK

  Shut up!

  THOMAS

  Yes, sir.

  KNOCK hands over the papers from HIS satchel to THOMAS

  KNOCK

  You will need these, and you will need to leave tonight.

  THOMAS

  Tonight?

  KNOCK

  Shut up! Yes, tonight.

  THOMAS

  If I may ask...

  KNOCK

  Yes?

  THOMAS

  Who is this client who lives in Transylvania and buys land in Germany? Not that I blame him. Germany is the most technologically and politically advanced country in the world.

  KNOCK

  (Off script) Except for England.

  THOMAS

  Yes, except for England.

  KNOCK

  And France.

  THOMAS

  And France too, I suppose.

  KNOCK

  And have you ever seen China? It's amazing! How do they get those little pieces of paper in the cookie? It's impossible. (Beat, Back on script) My Master--client is a magnificent man born of noble blood. He is great in stature, evil of eye, and iron-boned. All in his presence cower and beg to kiss his feet. His name brings the bravest of men down to their knees, crying like little children for their lives. A hundred battles he has fought, and a thousand soldiers he has killed with his bare hands. Know his name well, for he is a beast without pity, and he will destroy the disrespectful. His name is Count Dracula...(Breaking character) No! I did not mean to say that name!

  ORLOK screams in anger offstage and then rushes onto the stage. The actor KNOCK cowers away.

  ORLOK

  You said that name! That name!

  KNOCK

  I'm sorry, Master! Please forgive me!

  ORLOK chases The actor KNOCK around the furniture.

  THOMAS

  Unbelievable. Truly...unbelievable.

  ORLOK

  Too long have I heard that cursed name! That disgrace to my legacy! A twisted creation of a drunken Irishman! A sham of a vampire! A waste of ink on paper! (to audience) And what is his eye and hand thing? Hmm?

  ORLOK mimics Bela Lugosi's famous mesmerizing tactic.

  ORLOK

  A true vampire has no need to move his hand like a lazy kitten. A true vampire does not wear a cape. A true vampire has no need of pomade...or hair. He is a monster, not a suit-wearing, middle-aged sissy.

  The actor KNOCK crawls over to ORLOK and kisses ORLOK's feet.

  KNOCK

  Please forgive me, Master! I will never utter that horrible name again. I swear.

  The actor KNOCK continues kissing.

  ORLOK

  You are too pathetic to kill. You can continue living your pointless life one more day.

  ORLOK exits.

  KNOCK

  Thank you! Thank you!

  The actors KNOCK and THOMAS get back into the scene.

  KNOCK

  His name is Count Orlok, and you must leave tonight.

  THOMAS

  (breaking character) Oh, we're acting again. I see. (in character) Why tonight?

  KNOCK

  Shut up! You leave tonight.

  KNOCK hands THOMAS a train ticket.

  KNOCK

  Here is your ticket. (to audience) I have no more lines in this scene.

  KNOCK exits. JAMIE pushes KNOCK back on stage, and then SHE exits.

  KNOCK

  (off script) I have one more line left in this scene.

  THOMAS

  Good day and thank you for--

  KNOCK sees a cockroach on the floor, and HE traces its movements.

  KNOCK

  A little life!

  KNOCK jumps on the cockroach and quickly eats it, smacking HIS lips in ecstasy. The actor THOMAS prepares to vomit.

  THOMAS

  I think I'm going to get--

  JAMIE (OS)

  Stay in character!

  ELLEN enters with the tea.

  ELLEN

  Thomas, I brought the--

  ELLEN stares mesmerized.

  ELLEN

  Tea? (breaking character) Is he actually eating a bug?!

  JAMIE (OS)

  Stay in character!

  ELLEN

  Cool!

  The actor THOMAS regains composure and tries to bring the play back on track.

  THOMAS

  Thank you...thank you for giving me this...chance to prove myself.

  KNOCK

  (mouthfull) Hmm? Oh. Yes. You're welcome. Shut up!

  THOMAS

  Yes, sir.

  KNOCK

  (swallowing) I'm leaving now. (to audience) Bye.

  KNOCK exits.

  ELLEN

  (breaking character) Did you see that? He ate a bug, just like all the books said minions do! This is so--

  The actor THOMAS holds the actor ELLEN and faces HER to the audience as if to tell her to get back into character.

  THOMAS

  Mr. Knock came over to give me a chance to acquire more wealth.

  ELLEN puts the tea down on the table.

  ELLEN

  I heard. Must you really leave me? Transylvania is so far away.

  THOMAS

  I know, but we need the money. Besides, this is a chance to prove myself to the company. Perhaps if my good fortune continues, I soon might be made a partner.

  ELLEN

  Partner?! Oh Thomas, that would be wonderful! But must you really leave me so soon? We've only been married a week.

  THOMAS

  Business knows nothing of weddings. It acts when it must, and rewards only the loyal. I am off to Transylvania to make our lives better. You understand that, don't you?

  ELLEN

  I suppose.

  THOMAS

  There's my obedient wife.

  THOMAS and ELLEN kiss.

  THOMAS

  You'll stay with our good friends the Hardings. I know they'll take good care of you. I must hurry. The train leaves tonight.

  THOMAS runs offstage.

  ELLEN

  But...

  ELLEN is about to pick up the tea, but instead moves over to pet the fake cat.

  ELLEN

  Oh Mr. Pouncy, what will I do without my dear Thomas? You'll keep me company, won't you? I knew you would.

  The actress ELLEN pushes the fake cat off the window sill, on cue this time.

  ELLEN

  Mr. Pouncy! You’ve jumped to your death! Why? Why would you do a silly thing like that?

  ELLEN cries.

  END ACT 1, SCENE 1

  1.2 A VILLAGE’S WARNINGS FALL ON DEAD EARS

  The STAGEHANDS rush about and take away the set from the last scene. They move
in a table, two benches, and a few boxes that serve as a bar.

  Transylvania, a tavern at dusk. The STAGEHANDS playing the part of VILLAGERS rush into position with beer steins in hand. The VILLAGERS are simple, superstitious, and traditionally close-minded. Additionally, VILLAGER 5 is an old woman. THEIR lives are hard, and their only moments of peace are at the bottoms of beer steins.

  VILLAGER 1

  Flauvi was killed last night.

  VILLAGER 2

  Flauvi is my cousin!

  VILLAGER 3

  What killed him?

  VILLAGER 2

  He owes me money!

  VILLAGER 1

  He went out in the night—

  VILLAGER 2

  Won’t get my money now.

  VILLAGER 1

  Drawn by the sweet singing of a ghost—

  VILLAGER 4

  You could check his corpse.

  VILLAGER 1

  And nothing of him was left but his boots--

  VILLAGER 4

  Maybe not.

  VILLAGER 1

  And his feet were still wearing them.

  VILLAGERS (ALL)

  Eww!

  VILLAGER 4

  Did he keep his wallet in his boots?

  VILLAGER 5

  I told you! I told you all! Never set foot outside your house when the sun sets, or you’ll lose it!

  VILLAGER 4

  Guess Flauvi was caught with his foot inside the door.

  VILLAGER 5

  Our country, the Old Country, is a haven for the evil spirits of the night. They haunt our dreams, they hunt our children, they dig up our graves—

  VILLAGER 1

  They kill our livestock.

  VILLAGER 2

  They steal our purses.

  VILLAGER 3

  They burn our houses.

  VILLAGER 4

  They sour our milk!

  The VILLAGERS stare at VILLAGER 4. THOMAS enters, wearing travel clothes and holding a satchel.

  VILLAGER 4

  They do.

  THOMAS

  What a long trip! My legs are numb from the knees down. I do not understand why you don't pave your roads for a more comfortable carriage ride.

  The sound of an organ vamps under VILLAGER 5's voice.

  VILLAGER 5

  (to VILLAGERS) It is a good thing God gave these lands to us. Only we are strong enough, smart enough, brave enough to live here. Strangers laugh at us when we close our doors at dusk, and they scream to let them back in when the moon comes out of hiding. They die so easily, and do their trains or money or science help them?

  THOMAS

  (to VILLAGER 1) May I purchase a dinner and a cup of ale to go with it?

  VILLAGERS (ALL)

  (to VILLAGER 5)No!

  THOMAS

  There's no reason to be rude.

  VILLAGER 1

  (to VILLAGERS) These lands are ours. Let the strangers take it away, if they dare.