No Touching



  No Touching

  By

  Justin Blasdel

  Justin Blasdel

  8/26/2009

  UA Theatre Version 6

  [email protected]

  Characters

  Robert Griggs; Late 30’s, Impressionistic Painter

  Liza Healy; 20’s, Experienced Prostitute

  Jake Neff; 20’s, Stud

  Place

  Robert’s Apartment (Wilshire, Los Angeles, CA)

  Time

  Winter, Present

  ACT I, SCENE I

  An apartment; a small artist’s studio. On the walls are many contemporary impressionistic portraits. There are oil paint tubes neatly organized next to an easel and a few blank canvases size 36 x 24. A sink, small oven, refrigerator, coffee pot, and cupboard are packed together in the other corner, and a sofa rests against the wall. There is one main entrance and another door that connects to a bathroom and a bedroom.

  ROBERT opens the front door and watches as LIZA follows. ROBERT is a frail man and is careful not to let people touch HIM.

  LIZA is a seasoned craftswoman in the art of sex. HER face has aged to a perfect mixture of demure and lustful, exchanging one over the other depending on the customer.

  ROBERT stays silent, watching LIZA intently.

  LIZA

  This your home? Cozy. You a painter or something?

  Beat.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  No bed? Okay, on the sofa. So…what you wanting? Lying on my back…on all fours… or something special?

  Beat.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  Come on baby, don’t be shy. I bet you’re in need of a good spanking.

  LIZA lightly swats ROBERT on the butt. ROBERT jumps away.

  Yeah, you like that? Get you hard? Want me to do it again?

  ROBERT

  No!

  LIZA (CONT.)

  Your first time? Not a big deal. I’ve helped so many boys become men, I’ve lost count. Come on, tell me what you want.

  LIZA messes with ROBERT’s painting materials.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  You could paint me naked if you want.

  ROBERT stops her immediately.

  ROBERT

  I…I…I want to…talk?

  LIZA

  Talk?

  ROBERT

  Yes.

  LIZA

  Dirty talk? You want me to say how huge your--

  ROBERT

  --No! No. I want to talk normally.

  LIZA

  You want to talk? Honey, there are people out there who don’t charge to talk.

  ROBERT

  I want to talk with you.

  LIZA

  Okay, say what you want. I’ll eat up every word that spills out your mouth.

  ROBERT

  Thank you.

  LIZA

  So what’s on your mind?

  Beat.

  ROBERT

  You say something.

  LIZA

  What do you want to hear, big boy?

  ROBERT

  What’s your day like?

  LIZA

  First, I wake up completely naked, rubbing myself all over, head to toe. Then I take a nice, long bath with water so hot, it’d melt you to the bone.

  ROBERT

  And then what?

  LIZA grabs a sponge and uses it like a washrag.

  LIZA

  I get the soap and get covered in bubbles, putting them in every curve I have, feeling them all over.

  ROBERT

  What kind of soap?

  LIZA

  It’s…the soap? You want to know what soap I use?

  ROBERT

  Yes. Is it scented?

  LIZA

  Scented with the smell of peaches and cream.

  ROBERT

  What kind of conditioner do you use?

  LIZA

  …the kind that gets my hair so silky smooth you’ll beg me to cover you with it.

  ROBERT

  How does it feel?

  LIZA

  Ooooh, I love the way it slips through my fingers.

  ROBERT

  It takes a while to wash out, doesn’t it?

  LIZA

  I don’t mind. Gives me more time to touch myself in the shower.

  ROBERT

  My conditioner’s that way too. It probably washes out faster for me than you, because you have more hair, but I can never tell when it’s gone. You know?

  LIZA

  …yeah…

  LIZA tosses the sponge.

  ROBERT (CONT.)

  I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.

  LIZA

  I don’t know if you realize, but you’re paying me lots of money to talk about washing hair.

  ROBERT

  I know.

  LIZA

  I don’t mind, but I usually work harder for my customers. If word gets around I don’t put out, I’m ruined.

  ROBERT

  I won’t tell anyone.

  LIZA

  You’re not getting it, honey. People pay me for sex.

  ROBERT

  I know, but I don’t want that right now.

  LIZA

  Then what do you want?

  ROBERT

  I want to talk. I like to talk.

  LIZA

  Then why don’t you go and find some stranger on a train?

  ROBERT

  I can’t do that.

  LIZA

  Why not?

  ROBERT

  I can’t.

  LIZA

  But you’ll pay me two hundred to know what I shower with?

  ROBERT

  No…not only that.

  LIZA

  What else? You want to know what I ate this morning?

  ROBERT

  Yes.

  LIZA

  For real?

  ROBERT

  I suppose. Was it cereal or a cooked meal?

  LIZA

  …cereal.

  ROBERT

  What kind?

  LIZA

  Chocolate something.

  ROBERT

  I’ve always liked chocolate. Did you know that it’s healthy for you?

  LIZA

  Whatever.

  ROBERT

  I’m serious. It helps you breathe better and cleans your blood with antioxidants.

  LIZA

  Really?

  ROBERT

  Sure! There are lots of things out there that are surprisingly healthy. I’ve even heard smoking can make your hips thin.

  LIZA

  Not on me, it doesn’t.

  ROBERT

  Quit smoking and see if you swell up or not.

  ROBERT and LIZA share a laugh.

  LIZA

  So…you’re really going to pay me for nothing?

  ROBERT

  Is it a problem?

  LIZA

  No. If you don’t have a problem, then I don’t have one.

  ROBERT

  Thank you.

  LIZA

  You’re sure you don’t need something else?

  LIZA caresses ROBERT.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  I can whisper in your ear about my toothbrush while we do it.

  LIZA licks ROBERT’S ear. HE quickly moves away.

  ROBERT

  Don’t!

  He squirts sanitizer from a bottle nearby and rubs it on HIS ear.

  LIZA

  I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?

  ROBERT

  No, it’s not your fault. Just don’t touch me.

  Beat.

  LIZA

  I’m going.

  ROBERT

  No! Please…please stay. I di
dn’t mean to offend you.

  LIZA is at the door.

  LIZA

  Yeah, yeah. I better go. Don’t want to give you any diseases or anything.

  ROBERT

  I’m sorry. I have some…personal issues. I’m trying to get over them, but it takes time. Please, don’t leave.

  LIZA turns around.

  LIZA

  Okay, I won’t go. I’ll sit in this one spot, way over here. This good?

  ROBERT nods.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  Good.

  Beat.

  LIZA (CONT.)

  Uhm…it was very cold today.

  ROBERT

  Very cold.

  LIZA

  You’re telling me. I have to walk the streets wearing nothing but this skimpy dress, hoping my nipples don’t poke holes through it.

  LIZA shows off her shirt.

  ROBERT

  Really?

  LIZA

  Yeah, really! Men like it when I advertise the goods, but where the hell am I going to patch up two tiny holes in my dress, can you tell me that?

  ROBERT

  You could use some fabric glue and patch them from inside, but then you’d have to explain why you have patches over your…you know.

  LIZA

  I’ll tell them I’m sore from nursing babies as a side gig.

  ROBERT

  That’s a real job.

  LIZA

  What?

  ROBERT

  They’re called wet nurses.

  LIZA

  Wet nurses?

  ROBERT

  Women hire them, because they can’t be around their infants all the time.

  LIZA

  Not my momma. She did it all on her own.

  ROBERT

  Tell me about her.

  LIZA

  Why?

  ROBERT

  Why not?

  Beat.

  LIZA

  Okay. She was the meanest, biggest, nastiest construction worker you ever seen in your whole life. She was more man than any man, especially you.

  ROBERT

  It’s not hard to do.

  LIZA

  I didn’t mean anything by it.

  ROBERT

  It’s okay. Tell me more.

  END ACT I, SCENE I

  ACT I, SCENE II

  JAKE is stretching in the middle of the room wearing nothing but boxers. JAKE is the kind of man that gets whatever HE wants with a smile and a slap on the ass. HE’s athletic, charming, boisterous, and never lets little things like ‘reality’ ruin good fun.

  JAKE

  So, you get what you need from that?

  ROBERT enters with washed paintbrushes and begins to put up painting materials.

  ROBERT

  Yes, I did. Thank you.

  JAKE goes to a pile of clothes and starts dressing.

  JAKE

  You’re welcome. And thanks for renting out the room.

  ROBERT

  I apologize for its small size.

  JAKE

  No need to. Poor people have no right to complain.

  ROBERT

  You don’t have to worry about the rent. Your services are more than enough to pay for it.

  JAKE

  Well, thank you. So… who do you sell these paintings to? Anyone I’d have to see every day?

  ROBERT

  No. Most of my buyers like to keep separated from the lower class. Not that they’re any better than you, I mean that they…you might not be lower class, but they might see you-

  JAKE

  -woah, cool it. I know what you meant. I’m not going to see them hanging around my crowds. Is that it?

  ROBERT

  Yes, that’s it.

  JAKE

  I wouldn’t want to meet them anyway. Who pays hundreds of dollars to get a painting of a half-naked guy when pictures of it are all over the internet?

  ROBERT

  It’s more than paintings of nudes, Jake. There are many, many layers of symbolism that I work very hard to create. I’m not a photographer. You could never find a photo that contains as much passion and meaning as what I’ve created. You have to-

  JAKE

  -I get it, Robert. I was only kidding.

  ROBERT

  Oh.

  JAKE

  You need to relax. Being tense all the time isn’t healthy.

  ROBERT

  I might have found a way to release it.

  ROBERT checks the quality of HIS brushes.

  JAKE

  There’s a reason to celebrate.

  ROBERT

  I did.

  JAKE

  How so?

  ROBERT

  I invited someone over.

  JAKE

  Who?

  ROBERT

  You don’t know her.

  JAKE

  A woman? Way to go! She an artist too?

  ROBERT

  No.

  JAKE

  What does she do?

  ROBERT

  She…is a personal escort.

  JAKE

  A what? That’s just another word for hooker.

  ROBERT

  Well, that’s right. I bought a prostitute.

  Beat.

  JAKE

  Could you say that one more time? I don’t think I heard that right.

  ROBERT

  I bought-

  JAKE

  -you bought a hooker? You actually took my advice?

  ROBERT

  Yes I did. You were right. This is a good way for me to start meeting women.

  JAKE

  Well, way to go!

  JAKE pats ROBERT on the back, who cringes away and drops a few brushes.

  JAKE (CONT.)

  Oh, sorry. I know you and your touching thing.

  ROBERT

  It’s a precautionary measure. It’s not personal.

  ROBERT picks the brush back up.

  JAKE

  You need to ‘actually’ get sick. That’ll probably cure…oh what the hell am I saying? Tell me about the hooker!

  ROBERT

  She was nice.

  JAKE

  …and…

  ROBERT

  Pretty.

  JAKE

  …and…

  ROBERT

  You’ll never guess what her mother did for a living. She was-

  JAKE

  -did you screw her or not?

  ROBERT

  …No.

  JAKE

  You’re going to sit there and tell me you paid for sex and didn’t take it?

  ROBERT

  I didn’t pay her for sex.

  JAKE

  Did you pay her for her life story?

  ROBERT

  Sure. Yes, I wanted to know a little about her before I-

  JAKE

  -what could you possibly want to know about her?

  ROBERT

  She’s actually quite an interesting person, and I appreciate how she made me feel afterwards.

  JAKE

  How did she make you feel?

  ROBERT

  Like a man.

  JAKE

  Wow. That’s not healthy Robert. How much did you pay her?

  ROBERT

  Not a lot.

  JAKE

  How much?

  ROBERT

  Two hundred.

  JAKE

  Dollars?!

  ROBERT

  What else would I pay her with?

  JAKE

  A bus ticket back home.

  ROBERT

  I got what I paid for.

  JAKE

  This is crazy.

  ROBERT

  I enjoyed her company.

  JAKE

  There are better ways to feel like a man, Robert. Better feeling ways.

  ROBERT

  This way works for me.

  JAKE

  Look here, me
and the guys from the restaurant are going to sing karaoke tonight. It’s this hole near LAX. I got a tip about a bunch of Chinese women wanting to hit it off big their last night. If you clean up and come with, you might get some chop suey for dinner tonight. What you say?

  Beat.

  ROBERT

  No.

  JAKE

  No? Why not?

  ROBERT

  I wouldn’t feel right. I don’t like taking advantage of women like that.

  JAKE

  No, of course not. You just pay them so that you can listen to them talk.

  ROBERT

  This is different. Those girls are wanting more than a good time.

  JAKE

  What’s the problem with that? So am I. Robert, I’m not going to let you waste another good weekend alone in your apartment. So, come with.

  ROBERT

  I can’t…I’m not going.

  JAKE

  What’s the deal here? Come screw some Asian chicks with me. It’ll be fun!

  ROBERT

  No.

  JAKE

  Oh, you’re going with me, whether you want to or not. Come on!

  JAKE playfully grabs ROBERT’s arm and pulls towards the door. ROBERT panics and jerks back.