Fools

FOOLS! By Joseph Mackey

  Good day people who read this book. I’m Joseph Mackey, I wrote this book and find it to be quite funny, but don't take my word for it, judge for yourself. Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. These people never actually did any of the events in my book. This is purely for entertainment. The book is also about the adventures me and my friend Dave had while exploring the limits of idiocy.

  It originally started out as a joke between me and my college friend, Dave Chandra. In this book will be 123 pages of the stupidest things you could imagine people doing, and many things you wish you had done in college. Some people are awarded the buffoon award for being true “geniuses” quote unquote. With that being said, let the buffoonery begin. Have fun as I take aim at frat boys, businessmen, professors, perverts, college students, construction workers, strippers, hookers, drunks, stoners, old people, and even President Bush. The last chapter should be considered a public service announcement as I say damn it all regarding the fools, because we need to fix our society, or it will fall from foolery. And that is not fictional, unlike some of the book.

  Chapter 1 The Suitcase Man Chapter 2 The Man at FAU who slipped in his own vomit and busted his balls Chapter 3 The guy who got kicked in the nuts by a mule Chapter 4 The people who drop valuables in the toilet Chapter 5 My Own Friends Chapter 6 The guy who covered himself in honey and got stung 200 times Chapter 7 Some old woman who dropped her dentures in the toilet and kissed people Chapter 8 I swear its true some guy sat in pasta Chapter 9 A math professor accidentally drops his pants while lecturing Chapter 10 Students at FAU who skipped on 30% of their grade

  Chapter 11 What are you looking at, oh nothing Chapter 12 two guys making out at KFC

  Chapter 13 Fools Chapter 14 More Fools Chapter 15 Perverts Chapter 16 Random Stupidness Chapter 17 stupidity and crime Chapter 18 Damn it all Chapter 19 My Girlfriend Leah Chapter 20 Epilogue

  In the first chapter we have a man who repeatedly dropped his suitcase in the Tri Rail toilet. A friend and I, who took the bus to school, could not stop laughing. My friend’s name is David Chandra. He and I were going to write the book together, but he didn’t like it so I am doing it now. Anyways he and I were cracking up and we said oh man, what a moron. Suitcase guy did this around 9 times before realizing he should leave his briefcase outside the toilet. This originally happened in my junior year of college, starting in late 2003, September or October. This man is worthy of our most esteemed award (yeah right), the Buffoon Award (insert fanfare here). This consists of Dave and I sitting around telling jokes about him, laughing at him, and pretending to rubber stamp the word idiot on his head. He received the Buffoon Award several times during my tenure at FAU. This is where I first heard of this man of legendary idiocy. I am sure he does other things too, but I will have to wait and hear about that. The worst thing is when he dropped his suitcase, other people would fish it out for him. I don’t know about you, but I would just leave it there. I certainly would not put my hands in to help this goof.

  The people who helped him deserve the idiot trophy. And we give it to him. It’s not literally a trophy, but you get the point. The guy is ,unfortunately, the product of the education system of the United States. This education system has been failing people since it started. Education has always had its flaws, but as time goes on things aren’t supposed to decline. However, it has badly. However amusing these people’s actions are, it is a sign of a more serious problem, people are stupid. He is also the product of people going against common sense, which people chip away at more and more.

  Seriously, common sense is dying because individuals think that people are stupid. Some think, I don’t want to do what people normally do, even if it is right. This becomes habitual, and eventually common sense dies out. The suitcase guy graduates to other forms of foolishness. He accidently dropped his pants in the toilet one day. I know what you’re thinking, there isn’t a man alive who could be so stupid, but you’re wrong , and I have eyewitness evidence to back it up. Suitcase guy went to work smelly, and covered in his own slop, which is the nice way of putting it haha. Here, Dave and I play the trumpet fanfare. It is time for the moron Marathon where the only competitor is suitcase guy. In this event, he runs the entire marathon. And he keeps running. First he loses his suitcase, then his pants. How does he hold down a job? He cannot do so. Eventually he does not but more on that will be said later. Ha ha more on, I made a joke.

  Anyways he wins the race and is given the idiot trophy. I know your thinking that there iss no way it gets worse. However, you would be wrong. One day I go to the train station and I see the guy slip in the stuff he dropped his pants in Dave is there so of course were howling at the sight of this.

  Luckily I had gloves on, so I help the man to his feet after much laughing. I asked him what was going on. He mentioned he had a bit of an accident on the way to work. I try not to laugh at this, and I ask if he had been drinking the night before. It turns out he has, he said he always does. He drank a fifth of whiskey before work every day and another fifth to avoid his wife’s nagging. I said well that explains everything. Drinking ,by the way, only makes your problems worse. It also makes you do things that get you in the fools hall of fame. I tell him I know he’s the infamous suitcase guy. By the way, I mention, he is a fool who always keeps me amused He is like who, I say the suitcase guy, the train guy who always drops his suitcase in the toilet. Dave just laughs and calls him an idiot. I say Dave cut it out…. save it for later. The suitcase guy says no he is right. I am an idiot. He can say it and so should you. So I do. I call him an idiot for his drinking too. Dave was helpless on the floor laughing when he hears all this. So then the guy gets off the bus and trips. He lands in a puddle and says oh %$#@!. That was hilarious. He then goes off to work which ironically is at FAU. He was later fired for being an idiot. That was the reason for letting him go. The boss told him get a clue, or buy one. He then just leaves never to be seen again, until the next burst of his intellect comes around.

  Around 3 o’ clock the same day his intellect shows again. He tried to come to work on a skateboard. He got a new job doing pizza delivery. So he is skating down the road in broad daylight. There are tons of people to watch his stupidity. He tries to go as fast as he can. He hits a bump and goes flying, landing face first. He was bouncing, and he finally landed on the pizza box he was carrying. Of course Dave and I said hey that is the suitcase guy. I laughed and walked away with the pizza, after helping the old fool off the ground. It turns out his named is Jason Tepes. (For those of you unfamiliar with Romanian that means the impaler.) It is an odd name since he is too stupid to be murderous. He claims his friends gave it to him for no reason. He said he got the job because he’s in love with a male stripper and wanted to keep him happy with gifts. I said strippers make enough money to buy you gifts! So this idiot went on doing the delivery, even though I split the pizza with Dave. I tried to tell him he did not have a pizza to deliver anymore. He actually went to the customer’s house without the pizza. I thought. What a moron. This guy makes 7.50 an hour used to be an executive, and is trying to buy gifts for his gay lover. The stripper makes 250- 350 bucks an hour.

  Hmmm, maybe I should be a stripper or work in a bar where strippers work. Guys like to buy them drinks, so I would make a lot of money. Eventually, he tells his wife, but that’s another story. I may write the epilogue of that story in the second book. By the time all these events happen it is eleven a.m. and I missed all my classes. Dave drives us to the mall, and we try to get dates . I come up empty-handed for a while, but then out of nowhere a pretty girl with purple hair shows up. She was skipping her classes at FAU. Her name is Jamie. She leaves with me. Dave does not leave empty-handed either. However, Dave likes fat chicks, and he gets one that weighs 400lbs. He then tries to ha
ve sex with her. I am ecstatic for him. Just kidding, but I am sure you believed it or wanted to believe it. And I have nothing against fat women, I have something against my friend. If he really does like them , I say getting laid is getting laid.

  After that, we see some fool trying to pick up girls. He was using lame lines, such as I lost my phone number can I have yours? Of course, this does not work and he loses every chance he gets. It is Valentine’s day and a bad one for him. It was a good one for Dave and I. Poor pizza guy did not get to spend time with the stripper of his dreams, as the guy turned out to be 100% heterosexual. Mr. Lame lines finally got a date, but it seemed this chick was desperate. He said the phone number line and she quickly agreed to go out with him.

  It turned out that she was from an escort service. He found out and said he did not care, until he realized he owed her around 3000 dollars. He said do you take credit cards? The escort did. He tried to put the card in her boobs, but she just left with it. Apparently he did not care because he said the sex was good. I asked how much was on that card and he says it is thirty grand. Of course, I laughed at this and decided this was the best I have seen all night. That was until I realized that the hooker was born a man. That is right, she used to be a he. I told him and man was he pissed, he also pissed his pants. I didn’t blame him. He sued her escort company for false advertising, and won a huge settlement in a court of law. This could start a new trend. Stay tuned for Fools 2, the follow up to Fools! Dave got laid and he was happy, I got laid and I was happy, However, pizza guy was hurting. Pizza guy was hit in the face with his last delivery too. So I then decide to leave Boca having had the best Valentine’s day ever. I laughed with Dave about how much of an idiot pizza guy was.

  The next few days I look for stuff to write about, but nothing comes up for three weeks, they were the most boring three weeks of my life it seemed. Then it happens, a guy tries to rob a Brinks truck. And he puts a sack full of coins in each pocket. What a moron. I guess he thought cash would look too suspicious. He also tried to carry some change over his head. The poor dope got sacked by Dave, who decided to pull the guys pants down when the cops came, so he would have to decide whether or not to get his pants or run around half naked.

  Escape jail time and look like a fool, or go to jail with some dignity. What would you choose? Well it turns out he did not have a choice, the sack of coins he was holding over his head dumped on him, and the cops refused to give him his pants till he got in the squad car. It was great, me and Dave did air guitar when the cops cuffed him and Dave was a star for that day. Of course the dope went for his pants just like Dave thought he would. I would have ran if it was me, but this guy is a “genius” As it was Dave and I got pictures of that too, the quote unquote genius with his pants down while being arrested(he had on boxers don’t worry) these pictures will be in the next book, more buffoons. He wanted to run but thought he would look stupid without his pants. So then Dave and I celebrate because not only did he see a gross act of buffoonery, he became a hero! I give him a hero’s celebration for helping catch the “genius”.

  He got a bunch of wine, champagne, and tons of food. He shared some of the food , although again he ate 3 whole pizzas. I couldn’t believe it because Dave is not a huge guy who you would expect to eat that much, in fact he’s pretty average size for his height. I tried to eat 2 but couldn’t surprising since I was a weightlifting king at my school at the time.

  The next day we find out the robber is suitcase guy, which is hilarious, but somehow he got away from the cops, thankfully he had a facemask on when he was arrested, but those dopey officers didn’t take it off when he was arrested. In fact, they practically gave him the key to the cuffs and his cell. So we go out looking for stupid/ insane people, but come up with nothing so we wind up going to class.

  Dave gets mobbed especially by girls because he ended up on the front page of the news. So he calls for me to help him but I say your on your own buddy and dart off to class before they come for me too. He shouts I’ll get you for this Joe! Then in his desperation he tells the mob that I’m the one that pantsed the robber (pulled his pants down) it was great because the coins flew out of his pockets when Dave did it. They knew Dave was lying though because they picture shows me just laughing and Dave with his hands on the guy’s pants. So the mob takes him away and I sing Ha ha you’re dead by Green day despite the obvious fact that they aren’t going to kill him. So I’m pointing and laughing at him while I sing this, and he eventually busts loose from the group. It appeared they were trying to make him king or something. They catch him again and put him on the front page of the FAU news, the Boca News doing an interview on how it feels to be a hero.

  He responds by saying he’s a hooligan not a hero. I agree with that on camera, I went on to make some comments as I am his friend and was at the scene of the crime. We grabbed someone and re-enacted the scene of the crime on camera. He says it was the first thing he could think of doing. I say it’s pretty damn funny what he did. He says he’s done this several times, but usually not to criminals. I believe it and it shows as he does this to lots of people, but thankfully never to me. Me and Dave have a laugh over this. He’s like what do you expect Joe these people, they’re idiots! I agree they are idiots. I certify again that Dave is in fact a hooligan. In fact, I even verify this officially in writing. So after all the idiocy of this chapter, me and Dave do the play by play, instant replay etc haha. We point out on camera all the stupid things that happened then slow it down so people can comprehend how these things happen. Again this is what happens when common sense is chipped away at slowly. This is scary people .who knows what will happen next, you should be afraid, very afraid.

  The decline of intelligence is amusing but also saddening. Oh and the pizza guy got fired because he showed up without the pizza too many times. He must have had more accidents, or just gotten hungry and ate them. I heard from Dave that he tried to get into the army so he could make something of himself. Unfortunately, they threw him out on his ass because he was too damn stupid, but he got called back saying they needed stupid people a week later, for the war. He got called home as a hero after a two year service enlistment. Imagine this goof getting a congressional medal of honor. Well he did he was very lucky and saved his commanding officers life. It was in the news and everything. No I am joking, but he did very well and he even got a promotion if he ever came back. He decided to stay a family man. The army got him his old job back with a promotion. He called me and Dave to his office when he saw us again. He wanted to give us jobs being his gophers. I was like no way, Dave said no too.

  We weren’t going to work for a fool no matter how much he paid us to. He was going to pay us to be his fools. So we walked out and it turned out that thanks to his big mouth (he spilled government secrets) he was fired again. This would have meant that me and Dave would get his job. So we kicked our own asses for not taking the gopher positions. In any case, we started to making fun of him again. He actually wound up going to jail for his idiot actions. He got two years in a military prison. I was shocked that anyone could be that dumb, but me and Dave put on judge wigs and slammed a gavel sentencing him to five years as a moron, doing hard time. He got out of jail a disgrace to just about everyone. Kids made fun of him, he couldn’t get a date with anyone for a year at least, after his wife divorced him and the government seized his house and car. He eventually wound up being homeless and bums would fight with him over who got the best part of the alley to sleep in.

  He eventually got a pardon and went back to the army. He became a career soldier too. He is probably in Afghanistan or Iraq fighting with rebels at the moment. I found out later that he went AWOL just tonight Dave told me the guy went AWOL. Oh well the poor guy wound up being sent to Canada by mistake anyways so he will be ok. I laughed and said that guys got some luck. He woke up that day and said guess what? I’m going to jail. But he wound up going to Canada by accident, the army policeman who made that mistake, letting him go on th
e wrong plane was kicked out of the army I am sure. He eventually got his old job back and dropped his suitcase again and again on the tri rail.

  It gets less funny each time but hey, its still amuses me and Dave. We don’t laugh our butts off over it anymore, but there’s plenty of other stuff later that will make you do it .Well anyways, he got followed up on by Dave, and I am happy to say he stopped dropping suitcases by going to A.A. not alcoholics anonymous, but idiots anonymous. He stood up and claimed A.A. saved his life. He decided to go in there and be like my name is John and I have an idiocy problem. The group was like you’re a moron. Just kidding they were very supportive. He said to them I have a suitcase dropping problem, it caused me to go on all sorts of wild adventures. They tried their best but couldn’t cure him of his problems.

  Eventually he went through a midlife crisis and tried to become a rock superstar. He tried to enlist Dave and me to be part of his band. I said ok as long as we can call the band fools in honor of…. you. Well he didn’t like that, but it was true. So he agreed and we actually played a decent show, his wife went up to him and started kicking his ass though because he was acting stupid. He was hitting up women while Dave played the drums and I played the guitar solo. He was singing and playing bass badly, but who cared the band was called fools and that’s what we acted like. We had a good time though. Me and Dave partied until 4 am at Wackadoos.

  However the suitcase guy wound up passed out drunk in his own vomit and also in a trash can. We took pictures of this too, and they will be in the movie and the next book. I was like of course, no one could help this fool, which I went to the meetings to see what they did there, and to help Dave admit he was a fool. Just kidding again, Dave isn’t a fool,…….. yet. But he may become one if he keeps hanging with them or trying to teach them. I actually tell him to stay away from them, or he will become one of them. It’s too late for them though. They’re stuck as fools for life. Despite this fact, Dave and I tried our best to make educated fools out of the college population, but failed miserably, until we graduated, then we just stopped trying. When we graduated we took one look back, and faking anger we shouted fucking fools! The day after the suitcase guy decided to try a concert again and we did it, quite well in fact, he played the bass this time. I rocked out on the guitar and Dave did drums. The crowd loved us but his wife came back and started beating on his ass again, mostly because he was a bad influence on us she said.

  We were too busy trying to score with the chicks to care. We went around saying

  congrats, we graduated. We were drinking and whooping it up on stage while the guys getting his butt kicked, he calls for help but I say against a football player or two, sure, an angry woman, your on your own buddy.