Have You Ever Nogged A Nag?

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  Have You Ever Nogged A Nag?

  by: Jonathan Antony Strickland

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  PART 1

  Nogging the Nag

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  "So tell me. Have you ever nogged a nag?"

  "Eh!"

  "Straight forward question my friend. Have you ever nogged a nag?"

  "Have I ever nogged a nag! I don't understand what you're going on about?"

  "That's the point."

  "What's the point."

  "The point that you don't know what I'm going on about. Indeed, I too don't know what I'm going on about. It's just got to make enough sense that the two of us can have a discussion over it."

  "Let me get this straight. We're sat here, drinking coffee and discussing... well nonsense! That is what you're saying? And it's also the reason why we're here?"

  "Yes."

  "Why?"

  "Isn't it obvious!"

  "No!"

  "We're here because I've been given the job to train you in the art of espionage. Correct?"

  "So I've been informed."

  "Good. So why might we be sat here, in this restaurant drinking coffee with me asking you a nonsense question?"

  "I'm afraid I really don't have a clue."

  "Hmmm... Well think of it this way. As a spy you're going to have to eavesdrop now and again to gain information. Such spying will more than likely take place in a public setting. One such setting might be a restaurant filled with people like this."

  "So what's that got to do with the nogging the nag thingy you asked me about?"

  "Well, think about it. We can't just sit here in silence, bending our ears as we listen to our quarry divulge secrets now can we. No. That would look far too suspicious. You've got to blend in. Look as though you're just an everyday geezer come for a quick cuppa and a chitchat."

  "Well that all sounds reasonable enough but why ask me a nonsense question. Why not ask me something simpler... err... what's the weather like or the football scores for example."

  "It's so you don't get too into the conversation. For example if I was to ask you if you saw the football last night and then the two of us got into discussing it, then it might detract us from our mission. You need to look like your having an interesting discussion even though you're not, that way your attention won't slip."

  "I see... I think!"

  "Look, you see that guy over there?"

  "You mean the guy wearing the grey overcoat, dark glasses and false moustache?"

  "Yeah him. His actually a plant."

  "No shit!"

  "Listen wise guy. Soon as I give the signal, his mobile phone will ring and on answering it he will start having a conversation. Your job is to try and hear as much of that conversation as possible, without being too obvious that your listening in. You'll do this while simultaneously yakking to me. You got it?"

  "Got it."

  "Good. Now as you can imagine, I'm an expert in this type of protocol so I too will be listening in and trying to get as much information from mister inconspicuous over there. The point being that after the two of us compare notes I think you'll be surprised by what I picked up on that you didn't. Like I have already stated though, I am an expert at this, and it takes lots of practice to get good at it. So anyway, you ready for the test?"

  "Let's do this."

  (THE SIGNAL IS GIVEN)

  "So tell me. Have you ever nogged a nag?"

  "Nope. I've never nogged a nag. In fact the whole process of nogging the nag is a little above me. I've never seemed to be able to get my head around it. Perhaps you could explain to me how you would go about nogging a nag."

  "Good answer, now you're getting it."

  "Why did you just put your hand over your sleeve?"

  "What! Erm... Doesn't matter... So you asked me how you go about nogging a nag. Well, it's a hard thing to explain but I suppose I could start by telling you that you first take a firm grip of the nag, then being very delicate you insert your..."

  "Excuse me... No not you... You there. Yes you, the guy with the dark glasses and false moustache. Could you speak up just a bit. I can't hear a word your saying, and with this being a test and all I've got to..."

  "Shhh... What are you doing? You're not supposed to speak to the enemy agent."

  "But I can't hear what he's saying, what with you talking and him mumbling into his phone."

  "Well I can hear him perfectly well."

  "Yes. But you're sat closer to him."

  "O.K... Look I'll ask him to speak up a bit but no more talking to him. If you've got a problem then say it to me. Is that understood. You speak one more time to the enemy agent over there and you'll fail the test. You got that?"

  "I fully understand."

  "Good. I'll just inform them to inform the enemy agent to speak a little louder and to restart the test."

  (HE THEN GIVES THESE INSTRUCTIONS INTO HIS SLEEVE AND THE TEST IS RESTARTED)

  "So tell me. Have you ever nogged a nag?"

  "How did you do that?"

  "Sorry what?"

  "You spoke into your sleeve and the man in disguise started over again and what's more is now speaking louder... That's amazing. How did you do it."

  "It doesn't matter how I did it. Just get with the programme and answer the bloody question will you... Have you ever nogged a nag?"

  "No, I've never nogged a nag. Nor do I know how to nog a nag but I do suspect that nogging a nag has something to do with talking into your sleeve and magically being able to give out commands!"

  "If you're not going to take this seriously then... Look, I have a microphone in my sleeve that lets me talk to other people involved in this test. It's not even anything special. Practically every security guard, every bouncer, every bodyguard and especially every undercover agent in the business has at some point a microphone up his sleeve so that he can communicate with his fellow colleagues. They've been around for bloody years."

  "Wow... Years you say. And will I get one if I pass the test. That would be the best thing ever!"

  "That's it. I've had enough. I'm going to stop this test and you're going to fail."

  "WHAT! Why? I've done nothing wrong."

  "You're clearly taking the piss."

  "Eh... How come?"

  "How come... HOW BLOODY COME... You're in training to be a top secret agent and you want me to believe that you've never heard of microphones up the sleeve!"

  "It must have slipped me by."

  "Look you bloody buffoon, you need to concentrate. In fact we both need to concentrate... Tell you what, let's start over one more time. No more buggering about.

  (HE AGAIN SPEAKS INTO HIS SLEEVE AND THE TEST IS RESTARTED)

  "So tell me. Have you ever nogged a nag?"

  "No never... I'm still amazed by it."

  "Amazed by what? Oh for God's sake, stop pointing at my sleeve."

  "I just find it amazing."

  "I'm not restarting the test again you know."

  "Fair enough."

  "So have you..."

  "No I've never nogged a nag."

  "Hmmm... Would you like me to explain how you can nog a nag?"

  "Isn't the word nog an offensive word used to describe black people?"

  "Eh... I Don't know. Is it?"

  "And a nag. A nag I do know can be a term to describe a horse."

  "This is true, I have heard the word nag being used in such a way."

  "Ah... Then I suspect that seeing as you didn't know what my description of a nog was, but you do agree with me on what a nag is, then I fully suspect that nogging a nag has something to do with horses."

  "Hmmm... Yes, I see what you're saying but I'm usin
g the word nag to describe something completely unrelated with horses."

  "I see. Oh, could you pass me the sugar."

  "Why certainly. Now when I talk about nogging a nag what I mean is... Hey, what are you doing?"

  "Nothing. I'm just mixing the sugar into the coffee."

  "Be careful for God's sake will you! You're getting coffee all over the place."

  "Oh, I'm sorry."

  "OWWW!!! What's wrong with you. Are you some kind of nutcase. You nearly burnt my face off!"

  "Look, I'm sorry. I was simply trying to mix the sugar into my coffee."

  "Look at the state of me. This was a brand new shirt. My wife only bought it for me last week."

  "Seriously. I apologise. Here, you can use my napkin to clean yourself up with."

  "What the hell were you thinking."

  "I was just trying to dissolve the sugar into the coffee and..."

  "What... By placing a saucer over the cup and shaking it?"

  "Yes."

  "Why like that. Why couldn't you just use a spoon to stir it, like everyone else does?"

  "Ah yes... I find it ruins the texture of the brew. Makes the coffee a bit too smooth."

  "A BIT TOO RUDDY SMOOTH?"

  "Yes. I like it to be frothy."

  "WHAT!!! FROTHY!!! What the hell are you going on about? And how come I get splattered with steaming hot coffee and you don't even get a single drop on you?"

  "Hmmm... Guess I was lucky."

  "Well I'm not starting it again."

  "Not starting what again."

  "THE TEST MAN! The test. Why do you think we're sat here in the first place."

  "Oh... You mean the nogging the nag talk. What was it again you were saying, something about it has nothing to do with horses."

  "No... Of course it has nothing to do with horses. It has nothing to do with anything you ignorant fool. I explained this already."

  "I thought we were still pretending. Or is the test over?"

  "It may as well be. Look at my shirt. It's made of purest silk. It must have cost my wife a small fortune and now look at it... ruined!"

  "You could always take it to a dry-cleaners."

  "I ought to take you to the bloody dry-cleaners."

  "Why do I need to accompany you to the dry-cleaners?"

  "You don't you idiot. It's an expression."

  "Hmmm... An expression you say. Got to admit, like the sleeve microphone, that one must have slipped me by!"

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