The Ark Angel Ronald's Quest for Chaos

  ......

  Some famous peoples quotes about my short story.

  (RON)

  ……..

  It`s got a plot as thick as a babies arm.

  W.SHAKESPEARE

  ……..

  The story should be dedicated to Jews, Christians, Roman Catholics, Buddhists, in fact any people who believe in aliens, ghosts, yetis, bare bottomed bogeymen...etc. and every other Bible basher or super-natural believing moron out there!!!

  JOSEPH (father and rather good woodworker)

  ……..

  It has an intense story, an amazing plot that grips you from start to finish. Tell me, is it copyrighted?

  J.Archer

  ……..

  Er, it ad "whoa" big words man.

  J.Christ (though it might have just been some “stoned-out-of-his-head, and half cut” bloke wondering the streets at night with half a holly bush on his head and claiming to be the big JC!)

  ……..

  If they made Ron’s story into a film it would be the second funniest take done on religion.

  G.Chapman (the biased git)

  ……..

  Actually it would be the third funniest!

  P.Cook (O.K, rub it in why don’t yah)

  ……..

  Free, free, there's no way I'm paying to read it. In the old days you could buy a nice house and a good car "ba gum", and still have change left over for a bottle of milk and a packet of chocolate hob knobs. Nurse!

  GOD (though which God is debatable)

  ……..

  I’m glad I did not write this!

  S.Rushdie

  ……..

  That Ron. Up here, he’s even more famous than me!

  J.Lennon

  ……..

  As far as I am concerned you should not judge a fellow person on their looks, sex, race or beliefs. There are only two types of people: 1_Everyday ordinary people who just want to get on with their lives and not bother anybody else...2_The preachers, the arseholes and the gobshites who want to tell you what you should do and how you should be doing it.

  Judas

  ……..

  HMMMMMM........I think I'll eat my socks!

  (Eh!…Who said that?)

  …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  STORY TOLD BY THE ARK ANGEL RONALD, WHO WHEN I INTERVIEWED HIM ASKED ME TO

  WRITE HIS "SHORT" STORY!

  The Ark Angel Ronald's Quest for Chaos

  or: Angel in the Underworld

  by: Jonathan Antony Strickland

  CHAPTER 1

  A TRIBUTE TO THE DIRTY DOZEN

  Once-upon-a-time in medieval England, in the 16th century and on a Tuesday afternoon, a child christened Ronald was born. He had been born into a very poor family, but despite all of this had worked his way out of poverty and proved himself to be a much more intelligent peasant than the other locals.

  At the age of seventeen he was called upon like many other young men of his age to defend the country from raiders, bandits and barbarians(e.g. the Scots and the French), and all this killing would be done in the name of God and Christianity. Within the first year of Ronald joining the army of the King his bravery and dedication in duty had earned him the rank of lieutenant and within the next couple of years he had progressed higher up the ranks.

  This acceleration from normal foot soldier to now captain of a large body of men, plus all the brave deeds and holy quests he had undergone had made him something of a hero amongst the people of England and had gotten him noticed by the King himself.

  At about this time when his popularity was high between beggar and King alike a certain Malack De Wolfe (a French knight) had learnt about the Kings daughter spending some time at a small village called Tremwell on the coast of England. Within the same day of learning this Malock had assembled a small army of men to kidnap the Princess.

  Malock set sail that very evening, his soldiers armed to the teeth with swords and crossbows. Nobody from the village of Tremwell noticed the three ships land during the early hours of dawn the next day or heard the one hundred and twenty armoured men moving towards the village until it was too late.

  Within the hour the village had been taken by Malock, and all without much resistance from the locals, most of whom were mere fishermen, wives or children. Malock, who had no love for the English, set his men about executing the lot of them and finding the Princess.

  It was not long before the Princess was found hiding in a farmers barn, her bodyguard of eight of the Kings very own best knights had been killed eventually by Malock's men, having fought bravely killing over twenty of Malock's men. As the Princess was led to Malock she witnessed the horrible executions of the people of Tremwell, their screams and the smell of blood filling the air as she was dragged away.

  Malock then sent a messenger to the King asking for ten thousand gold crowns within three days or his daughter would be killed. When the King heard of this news he sent for his best knights and asked them what he should do as he refused to be blackmailed by some stuck-up French fop.

  The knights were as puzzled as him as they searched for a solution and the King spent a restless night fearing for his daughters life. Then the next day a young chambermaid came to the King (who he was secretly knocking off) and told him of a young captain by the name of Ronald (who was also knocking her off) who had a plan to rescue his daughter and had requested an audience with the King. The King who had heard of Ronald and all of his brave deeds, sent for him straight away.

  Ronald stood that very morning before the King and his court and proposed a plan where he would take eleven of the Kings best fighting men and sneak into the village at night dressed in black dirty rags so they looked like beggars and rescue his daughter. Once the rescue had been completed an army could be sent to march on the village of Tremwell and wipe out Malock and his evil hordes of scum. The King and his court thought Ronald's plan was sheer madness, however the King had no other choice apart from giving Malock the ten thousand gold crowns (and there was no chance of the greedy old git doing that) and so gave Ronald the chance to pull off his mad plan.

  So that night Ronald and eleven of the Kings best fighting men set out towards the village of Tremwell on horseback, dressed in black rags and armed with sword and dagger. As the first few rays of sunlight entered the Kings chamber a messenger approached the King who had spent the night on his throne praying and unable to sleep. He told the King that Ronald approached the castle with the Princess. The King was as amazed as he was relieved to hear the news and instantly the order was given for the army to march on Tremwell.

  The Princess and Ronald entered the Kings chamber together. The King went first to his daughter, hugging her and telling her how glad he was to see her. The Princess then went on to tell the tale of how she had been rescued by Ronald and his men.

  Apparently Ronald had used the eleven men as distractions around the village while he entered the house were Malock and three of his best henchmen guarded her. She described how Malock stayed back and sent the three men to attack Ronald who fought like a man possessed with sword in one hand and dagger in the other defying all the odds and slaying them all. Then as the last man died Malock raised a crossbow and fired it into Ronald's chest. The King noticed the blood on the front of Ronald's black smelling rags.

  Then Malock drew a sword and attacked Ronald. Ronald (she claimed) fought on with the wound in his chest not bothering him in the least. Ronald pierced Malock's leg with his sword, and Malock dropped to his knees in pain. Ronald, then seizing the advantage, took a mighty swee
p with his sword at Malock's neck, severing his head from his body and ending Malock's life in an instant.

  The King (with tears in his eyes) turned to Ronald and said: "My son, I am completely in your debt, whatever prize you claim for this bravest of all quests I grant thee". Ronald dropped to his knees in front of the King and said "I have served God, my King and my country all my life. All I ask is to continue my servitude to these."

  The King looked at Ronald still on his knees with his head bowed. Then the King said "Give me your sword Ronald". Ronald did this and the next thing he knew the King tapped him twice on each shoulder with the blade.

  "Arise Sir Ronald", said a beaming King. "You have proven yourself to be the wisest and bravest of men. From this day fourth you will not only be a knight and Lord in my Kingdom but my champion swordsman and personnel bodyguard as well."

  Ronald looked up at the King, his face white and dripping with sweat. At first the King had thought Ronald was so amazed at what had just happened, but alas, he was wrong. Ronald kneeling in the Kings chamber, in front of the Kings throne and the King himself, suddenly fell flat on his face, dead from lack of blood.

  CHAPTER 2

  MORE POSITIONS PLEASE

  When Ronald next opened his eyes all he could see was a bright light, and then a voice said "Welcome Ronald your spirit has travelled millions upon billions upon trillions of miles through space and passed through the edge of the universe to its resting point here in Heaven".

  "What's a universe?", replied Ronald. "Never mind", said the voice. "All that matters is that your good deeds on earth have been recognised. The people of earth have made you a Saint and because of this God has decided that your reward should be more than just becoming another good spirit to enter through the gates of heaven. Instead, you Ronald, shall become one of Heavens Angels."

  At this, two huge feathery wings sprang from his back and a halo appeared above his head.

  For the next three hundred years Ronald's job as an angel was preventing the people of earth from wiping each other out (not easy) and battling Satan and his evil minions.

  Ronald enjoyed his job and put all his effort into it, and in the three hundred years he served as an angel he managed to prevent sixteen wars, forty two major catastrophes, the Devil from blowing up New Zealand?...etc. Not to mention the little things like murder, rape and persuading serial killers to change their minds and have a cup of tea and or a drink down the pub with their mates (that's if serial killers have mates, I suppose they could always join a singles club, although to do that you have to be a pretty sad git) and perchance meet a nice lass and get married instead.

  Ronald was so good at his job that on the anniversary of his three hundredth year in service, he was promoted to Ark angel, a feat never achieved in such short time by any other human-born angel. Ronald's job as an Ark angel involved him guarding one of the gates of Heaven. This he did for a good hundred years or so, but now he was bored and needed a break, some adventure in his afterlife, or at least something to cheer him up a bit.

  Remembering a conversation he had one day to a guy who had died a couple of years ago about all the great films on earth, Ronald decided to go down to earth in the guise of a human being and watch some. The guy had recommended a director called Quentin Tarantino who made gory action movies full of blood and death. Ronald secretly missed the old days when he was a human-being going on adventures and quests, maiming and killing people, so this was exactly what he needed. He decide to buy a house in a small town called Willington in the north of England. In this house he made sure a television and video were provided. He then set off to the local video store to buy some movies. On the way up to the store one thing struck him as peculiar and that was that everyone was being so pleasant to each other. People kept wishing him good day and saying "what nice weather we are having" even though it was cloudy and rather cold. For a moment he found it hard to believe he was in a small town up north. Putting these small worries aside he went to the video shop and hired out four videos, two by Tarantino.

  He was actually disappointed a film called “From Dusk Till Dawn" which had been recommended to him had been banned because of its content. Arriving back home he decided to watch each of the four vids one after the other. The first was a Tarantino film called "Oh Lovely Blue Sky". As he watched each of the four films in turn, Ronald couldn't believe his eyes, or ears come to that. Each film turned out to be a soppy love story, even though he'd specifically requested films featuring adventure and seat of your pants action, this sent his antenna buzzing (or in his case his halo spinning) as he realised something was up. Ronald walked outside and using his angelic powers he read the mind of one of the passing humans. What he saw shocked him. He saw that there was no hate in anybody.

  Something was wrong!

  He then saw that there was no violence in the world.

  Something was very wrong!!

  And then he saw that everyone made love in the missionary position only.

  Something was seriously very wrong!!!

  And if that in itself was not enough, to top it all Tarantino was writing love stories and not ripping off other peoples scripts and making millions in the process. His magical powers told him that all this over the top niceness had happened in the last couple of months and Ronald knew that there was only one dude who could remove all the nastiness from the world like this, and that dude would be the Devil.

  CHAPTER 3

  BRING BACK HELL, ALL IS FORGIVEN!

  Ronald knew that someone would have to pay a visit on the Devil and get him to change things back to the way they were, and that someone was him.

  As Ronald teleported down into hell he could not work out for the life of him (that is if he had been alive) why the Devil would do such a thing. Still very soon he should find out. When he materialised in Hell he was shocked at what he saw. Greenfields and blue skies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Also the temperature was a nice and comfortably warm, not the flesh blistering heat he had expected. There was not one whiff of sulphur or burning brimstone in the air.

  Not too far away from him was a group of Satan's demons sitting on the grass looking bored out of their horny skulls. Ronald decided to go over and talk and perhaps find out more before confronting the Devil.

  "What's going on?", asked Ronald.

  "Don't ask us, ask that poofter Satan who runs the fucking place", said a demon, snarling through his large flesh tearing teeth. "The wankers onlt gone and laid us all off because we won't do his pouncey jobs or wear his frigging naff T shirts." The demon held up a bright glowing T shirt with the words "Have a nice day," written on it.

  Ronald was more confused than ever. There was only one way to solve this puzzle.

  "Satan, Beelzebub, Old Nick, you who are the Lord of flies and sometimes referred to as mans very own nemesis, show yourself, come fourth and face me oh darkest angel!", Ronald cried aloud.

  "Please! Satan will do", said a voice behind him. Ronald turned round and looked at Satan. It was very much like looking into a mirror. He looked like every and any other angel in heaven.

  "Jesus H Christ!", said Ronald. "Where are your bat wings, your red skin, your hooves and your horns?"

  "I got rid of them. In fact I don't think they suited me. Plus he doesn't exist." replied the Devil with an unusually passive expression.

  "Who doesn't?", replied Ronald.

  "Jesus." said the Lord of flies.

  "Of course he bloody exists.", replied an angry Ronald.

  "You're not a proper angel are you. You were born of woman, unlike me who was made by God specially. You're only a few centuries old, where as I am very old and know the joke of Jesus well" Beelzebub said in his smuggest voice.

  "What joke, and anyhow what about the Bible?"

  "Listen, when Jesus was born and grew up to be a gibbering idiot, Joseph who was a brilliant carpenter and an outstanding member of the community, got sick of people mocking his son and being called the fa
ther of that tit, decided to hide Jesus away and claimed he had gone off into the unknown to fight Romans and help the sick, working for charity. You know, that sort of thing. Next thing you know, the rumours grew and got more exaggerated and the rest as they say is history", said Satan.

  "Never mind all that", said Ronald again angrily, "What I want to know is

  what you have done to the world and why?"

  "Well," said the Devil with a smile, "As you know I am a perfectly ordinary angel, who one day asked God if I could help out with the human race. When he said "Well, gan on then" I was overjoyed. Then I find out he's given me the job of dumping misery on everybody, a real shitty job if ever there was one. This job I have done since man was created, but now, well I'm fed up and want to go back to being known as a helper of men instead of that bastard that screws things up for everyone."

  "But you've got to go back to what you know best, and if that means fucking one or two peoples lives up, or even fucking up millions of lives, so what! People need you. They need bad things to happen to them to give them inspiration. Without you there is no randomness in the world. The people are living like sheep."

  For a while the two argued, and Ronald realised he was getting nowhere. He needed to try a new tactic.

  “Listen”, he said with a sigh. “All I ask is that you accompany me back to the planet Earth, so that I can try to persuade you to go back to your evil ways."