101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire



  101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire

  By Joleene Naylor

  & Jonathan Harvey

  Copyright 2010 - 2012 by Joleene Naylor & Jonathan Harvey

  Cover design copyright Joleene Naylor 2010. All rights reserved.

  Internal photos/illustrations Joleene Naylor and Jean Naylor

  Other books by Joleene Naylor:

  Amaranthine:

  0: Brothers of Darkness

  1: Shades of Gray

  2: Legacy of Ghosts

  3: Ties of Blood

  4: Ashes of Deceit

  5: Heart of the Raven

  6: Children of Shadows

  7. Clash of Legends

  8. Masque of the Vampire

  9: Goddess of Night

  Also:

  Vampire Morsels Collection: 17 Short Stories

  101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire by Joleene Naylor

  Heart of the Raven Mini Prologue Collection

  Tales from the Island: Six Short Stories

  Thirteen Guests: A Masque of the Vampire companion

  Road to Darkness: A short story companion to Brothers of Darkness

  COMING SOON:

  Tales of the Executioners

  Other books by Jonathan Harvey:

  Shades of Plaid

  Fangs & Fun

  Ramblings from the Darkness at www.JoleeneNaylor.com

  You never know what you’ll find in the shadows…..

  Pseudo Inspirationalism at https://jissilly.com/

  Special thanks to Charles and Chris for their suggestions.

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  Second Edition Notes:

  The Second Edition has a new introduction, a sneak peek of book 4 in the Amaranthine series and includes publishing credit to Jonathan Harvey, who wrote at least 1/3 of these tips. Check out his other (non-vampire) work.

  Thanks for reading,

  Joleene Naylor

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  It’s been two years and it’s time to revamp this little freebie. That includes a new introduction.

  First off, this is NOT a novel. Just like the product description says, this is a list. So if you want a book, or even a short story, go ahead and close this right now, because this is neither. If, however, you want to pass a few minutes for free then keep reading.

  Who am I? My name is Katelina and even though I’m ‘hanging’ with the vampires, I’m not thirteen. Or twelve. Or even sixteen. Just because there’s a bunch of teen vampire books, everyone thinks that you have to be a teenager to like vampires.

  I am not a teenager. I’m actually twenty-five, almost twenty-six. And if Jorick has his way I’ll be this age forever.

  Who’s Jorick? He’s my vampire boyfriend and he’s– wait. I guess I shouldn’t give too much away, in case you’ve never read the Amaranthine series. I will say that the vampires I’m hanging out with aren’t very modern-Hollywood. They’re a bit old school. They hiss and snarl sometimes, they like to kill each other and they fry in the sunlight.

  Before you ask, yes! This makes it hard to take Jorick to meet my family. Not that we have a lot of time for that, between all the coven wars and generalized rushing around. That’s something else these vampires do: Travel.

  A lot.

  Thanks to all that traveling, I’ve become something of an expert about road tripping with the undead. Rather than let all of this knowledge go to waste, I’m presenting you with 101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire – which is a numbered list of 101 Tips.

  What? A numbered list? Yeah. This is just something fun to waste five or ten minutes. If you’re traveling with a vampire, you might find this useful. Heck, even if you’re not, there might be a few tips you can use. Maybe not. Maybe you’re already a travel expert. In which case, feel free to send me some pointers because I see an international trip in my future.

  Now for…

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  101 Tips for Traveling with a Vampire

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  1. Vampires don’t sparkle in the sun; they burn to a crisp. Putting sun block on them won’t help.

  2. Your vampire friend doesn’t need sunlight, but you do. You should try to get a little every day, even if you only stick your head outside for a minute.

  3. If you enjoy travel photography, then you need a camera with a bright flash, a tripod, manual settings, a high ISO and/or a good night lens. Otherwise your vacation snaps will be more boring than usual.

  4. If your photos do come back indistinguishable, don’t force people to look at them. Regular vacation photos are boring enough, but blurry, black ones are worse, even if you play the “guess what this is” game.

  5. Vampires don’t go into “blood lust” every time they feed, anymore than you turn into a ravenous animal at dinner time. The whole thing is really boring to watch. You might as well you stay at the motel and watch TV.

  6. Like reptiles, vampires who haven’t fed are only as warm as their surroundings. Don’t attempt to snuggle one in extreme cold. You will be sorry.

  7. Make sure that you occasionally get away from your vampire and their creepy, undead world. You need to keep in contact with normal living people, otherwise you’ll end up being weird and scary. Do you really want to find yourself saying, “This stuff is overpriced. Someone should find the manager and rip his heart out”?

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  LODGING

  8. Hopefully, your vampire isn’t too cheap to spring for motels, but, if money is tight, you can save cash by staying with his friends. If you have to sleep in a coffin, try to go for an old wooden one. It’s less likely to be airtight and you don’t want to suffocate. For extra air, prop the lid open an inch or two by stuffing a rolled up sock under it.

  9. Depending on the season, you might be able to save money by camping, though, it’s pretty hard to get a coffin in a tent.

  10. Motels will not give you a discount because your friend is “dead”, so don’t ask.

  11. If you’re in the middle of a vampire war, as opposed to traveling for fun, it’s best to find motels with individual, outdoor entrances to the rooms. This makes for a faster getaway. Besides, it’s hard to explain to the management why there’s an attacking horde in the hallway.

  12. Before you snuggle down in that motel bed, do a mental check to see where the sunlight is going to be come morning so you don’t wake up to a bed of ashes. Your vampire will probably handle this, but it never hurts to double check.

  13. If you have money to spare, a room with two beds can be a safer because the second bed is farther from the window than the bed in a single room. Remember, sunlight is bad.

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  PACKING & HYGIENE

  14. Pack light. You never know when you might have to run from an attack by enemy vampires, and it’s easier to run without bulky luggage.

  15. When packing, use a duffle bag instead of a suitcase; a duffle bag can double as a pillow, while a suitcase is very uncomfortable to sleep on.

  16. If your trip is for leisure, then take some books – or a laptop - for those sunny moments while you’re waiting for your friend to wake up.

  17. If you, or your vampire, are in the middle of a coven war, then invest in a folding shovel. Contrary to popular belief, vampires don’t turn to dust when you kill them, and you don’t want to leave a string of unburied bodies behind.

  18. Always pack an extra pair of shoes. For some reason shoes seem to disappear and are hard to come by.

  19. Always dress for the weather. Vampires are fairly impervious to hot and cold, and have no trouble dragging you through e
xtreme temperatures.

  20. Yeah, your vampire friend may not sweat, but they still need to shower. If they forget this, don’t try to remind them by suggesting they “smell like something dead”.

  21. So, what do you do when you’re in a motel shower and – surprise – there’s no little bar of soap? If you packed shampoo you can always use that like body gel. However, conditioner doesn’t work so well.

  22. If you forgot the shampoo, you can always use soap on your hair. Doing that a lot will dry it out, though, so only use it in emergencies (like to get that clotted gore loose).

  23. Vampires don’t need TP – but you do! Keep a roll on hand, or even a travel pack of Kleenexes, for emergencies.

  24. A container of wet wipes can be very handy; you can use it to freshen up after sleeping in an abandoned barn, or to dab that splattered blood off of your face. On the plus side, there’s a fresh clean scent for you to enjoy!

  25. Bottled water isn’t only good to drink, it’s handy for cleaning up messes; everything from left over carnage to those melted junior mints you accidentally sat on.

  26. Need to do laundry, but the Laundromat is closed by the time you get up? You can use body soap, or even bar soap, and wash your clothes in the bathtub. If you use scented body gel, they’ll smell nice.

  27. A bottle of peroxide will get that pesky blood out of your clothes or carpet. This isn’t recommended for big messes because a lot of bottles can add up and look suspicious!

  28. If your luggage starts to smell a bit “blah”, you can freshen it up by dropping a dryer sheet into the bottom of your bag. Do not try to “freshen up” your vampire friend by dropping one into his coffin. He won’t think it’s funny.

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  TRAVELING BY CAR

  29. Don’t make the mistake of imagining that a “road trip” is going to be a cross between the movies “Roadtrip” and “Interview with a Vampire”, because it’s far more boring than that.

  30. You might think that only being able to drive at night will cut into your travel time, but there’s usually at least eight hours of darkness. How long do you really want to be trapped in a car with someone?

  31. Unless you’re an eight year old, Twinkies are not a meal. Remember that gas stations also sell things like milk and cheese. Some even sell fresh fruit.

  32. Your vampire may think they know where they’re going, but it doesn’t hurt to have a map. Depending on where the car came from, there might be one in the glove box already!

  33. Before you leave for a night of driving, make sure you’ve both “eaten”. It’s harder than you think to catch an unwary person at a truck stop.

  34. However, if your vampire asks for your help in luring his lunch, your answer should always be no.

  35. While driving, your vampire will probably not stop for bathroom breaks unless you remind them. So, remind them!

  36. You and your vampire may not agree on music, but you need to share the radio, even if that means - *ugh* - turning it off sometimes.

  37. Vampires may not get lung cancer, but you will. If you have a chain smoking vampire friend, tell them to put that window down!

  38. Before you open that snack bag of Doritos, ask yourself this: Are you eating because you’re hungry, or because you’re bored? You can gain a lot of weight by giving into the “bored munchies”.

  39. You may be desperate for entertainment, and “I Spy” might have been fun on school field trips back in the day, but it’s pretty hard to play in the dark. “I spy, something that is… black.” Yeah.

  40. You may notice that most road side attractions are closed at night. Resist the temptation to have your vampire break in. You might really want to see that Museum of Military History, but they have pesky security systems. How are you going to explain it to the police?

  41. Most towns have a Wal-Mart, and most Wal-Marts are now Super Centers, and most Super Centers are open 24 hours. Yeah, pretty handy for getting things like First Aid Cream at two A.M.

  42. Make sure that you have change in case you come to a toll booth. Sure, you might be able to go around them, but the attendants usually call the cops. Besides, ditch hopping is bad on the car’s shocks.

  43. When you and your vampire get the inevitable ticket, you may find that your vampire friend gets annoyed. You will not help matters by whispering, “Just take the ticket and shut up before I stake you!”

  44. It doesn’t hurt to have a paid membership in a roadside assistance club; however, you might want to ask your vampire friend where they got the car before you use that assistance. If they stole it from a victim, things could go bad fast!

  45. You may think it’s funny, but your vampire friend probably doesn’t want to go visit the “Mighty Cave of Bats”. Give that little roadside attraction a miss.

  46. Make sure to time out your drive so that you’re at your destination before the sun rises. Being trapped in the car all day under a pile of luggage and floor mats is no fun for your vampire friend; and you can’t sneak them inside, wrapped in a rug, without someone calling the police.

  47. If you’re traveling on a budget, you can save money by filling a cooler with ice and soda. It might even be nice to stock a little treat for your vampire friend, but make sure the bottle is resealable. You don’t want blood leaking out all over your Coke cans.

  48. Also, refrigerated blood only lasts a couple of days, and, no, you can’t just stroll into a blood bank and ask for some, so your friend is going to have to feed. Make sure it’s not on you.

  49. Don’t leave drink bottles or food wrappers all over the car, unless you want your vampire friend to start leaving dead animal carcasses lying around.

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  TRAVELING BY BOAT

  50. Boats can be a slower. more expensive way to travel, but it may be easier for your vampire friend.

  51. Foreign travel has a lot of security regulations, so let your vampire friend make your travel arrangements, especially if they have a knack for “getting people to see things their way” – or manipulating them, whatever you want to call it.

  52. When traveling by boat with a vampire, cheaper really is better – the cheaper the cabin, the smaller the window. (This also means the room is smaller too, so make sure you’re both ready to share a tiny space for several days).

  53. If you can, try to opt for a lower deck, inside cabin. Yeah, it’s further away from the common areas, but that’s a good thing.

  54. If you’re getting ready to travel by boat for the first time, take some sea sick pills with you, just in case. One of you needs to function rationally in the daytime.

  55. Before you step foot on the ship, work out a few ground rules with your vampire; especially how they plan to get their nightly meal. Who will they be feeding on? Pets or people? When? Do you need to be involved? A plan of action is always a good idea.

  56. It is also a good idea to put several people on the “No meal” list, such as the captain, any essential personnel or high profile passengers, and of course, yourself. Your vampire doesn’t need to kill someone to drink from them, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

  57. You may notice that most ships board in the daytime. You might be able to get around this with a big enough bribe. If not, turn it over to your vampire friend, as they can undoubtedly solve the problem easier than you.

  58. Once you’re on the ship, make sure that your vampire friend makes an appearance once the sun goes down. It will help keep the other passengers and staff from being suspicious.

  59. If your fellow cruise passengers do get suspicious about your vampire’s absence in the day time, you can always say that your friend is sea sick. Do not, under any circumstances, say that they are quarantined with some horrific disease. It may seem funny, but you won’t think so when you’re all taken into custody by a foreign government as bio terrorists.

  60. When your fellow passengers want to know why your “friend” isn’t eating, jus
t tell them that he’s allergic to gluten. Most people have no idea what that is.

  61. Vampires can eat food; they can chew it, they can swallow it, and, on rare occasion, they can even keep it down for some time. However, it isn’t staying down, so if your vampire has to eat, make sure to give them some space afterwards.

  62. Your vampire probably won’t be able to get their coffin in your cabin – or even on the ship – and large, old fashioned trunks are pretty much out. The best bet for your vampire’s safety is a roll of garbage bags, some duct tape and a stint in the closet or under the bed during the day. Unless you were smart and got that cheap, windowless cabin.