The Forbidden

  clear, woman. It’s saying the exact same thing mine is.”

  I wrench myself free and move away, breathing heavily. “Leave me the hell alone and go home to your wife. It’s that simple.”

  “Simple?” Jack asks seriously, gesturing an accusing hand up and down my front before smashing a fist into his pec. “Then why the fuck does it hurt like hell every time I think about not seeing you again?” he yells. “Explain it to me, Annie, because I really am going fucking crazy!”

  I shrink on the spot, shocked, yet I fully comprehend what he’s saying. I feel like I’m going out of my mind, too, and I’m definitely hurting. I start to shake. It’s anger, but it’s also fear.

  “Get out.” I need to put aside the crazy chemistry and bat down the butterflies. I mustn’t be blinkered by lust again. “Just go, Jack.” I drop my eyes to the floor before I can take in any more of him. And those memories. His face, my face, our bodies. I squeeze my eyes shut and push the heel of my palm into my forehead.

  “It doesn’t work,” he says quietly. “I’ve tried it.”

  I start to shake my head, my cheeks becoming wet with tears of frustration.

  “Nothing works, Annie. Not shaking my head, not distracting myself, nothing.”

  “Stop it,” I whimper pathetically.

  “I can’t stop,” he hisses, taking a step toward me. “It was bad enough having you constantly up here.” He taps his temple aggressively, his face twisting. “Now you’re actually fucking here. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep.”

  He takes another step toward me and I retreat again, trying my hardest to keep the distance between us. Being this close to him is dangerous. It’s screwing with my resolve, eating through my conscience.

  “You’re married,” I grate, furious with him. So furious! “I made a horrible mistake. Get out of my apartment.”

  He just stares at me for a few moments, and I can tell he’s assessing my mental state. He’s trying to find that one little chink in my armor, any way in. I won’t give it to him. Not again.

  “I said, get out,” I repeat, certain and strong. “I never want to see you again.”

  “Colin’s—”

  “I’m quitting the project.”

  Jack backs up, his face a picture of hurt, maybe even devastation, but I refuse to let it dent my resolve. I make sure my expression remains determined, watching as his jaw goes so tight it could possibly crack.

  “You want that?” he asks.

  “I don’t see any other way.”

  “I do.” Jack’s face is suddenly determined. “You’re right. I can’t look at you every day and know you’re lying to yourself. And to me.” He tugs his jeans up his legs and shoves his feet into his boots, all angrily. “But you’re not quitting. This project means too much to you, and I’m not going to be the reason you walk away from it.”

  I withdraw, moving back. “I don’t understand.”

  “I’ll be off the job by tomorrow evening.” He turns and walks out, pulling his T-shirt on as he goes, and a few seconds later I hear the front door slam with brutal force.

  My breathing becomes shallow and strained, my throat clogging up. What just happened? He’s quit. Jack’s solved my problem for me. I’ll never see him again. I’ll carry on with my life as if I never met him. It’s for the best. I know it’s for the best. I can’t go on like this. I’m caught in limbo, desolate without him, desolate with him. I feel like I’m yo-yoing between strength and shakiness, never knowing which way to turn. I’m never going to see him again. Hear him. Feel him.

  Those thoughts make my knees give, and I crumple to the floor into a heap of grief. I’ll never see him again. My eyes well up, blurring my surroundings. My whole world blurs, too. I’ll never see him again. Never feel him, hear him, smell him. My shallow breathing virtually diminishes to nothing, my sobs now racking my folded body.

  I know this is for the best. So why does it feel like I’m slowly dying?

  He’s walked away so I don’t have to. Because he knows what this project means to me. I drag myself up from the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

  I don’t know what I’m doing, but everything is telling me to do it. I stagger to the door, my vision distorted through my teary eyes, and throw myself out onto the street. I frantically search for his car and spot him down the road getting into his Audi. “Jack!” I scream, and he looks up, holding the top of his door. I stand where I am in a T-shirt and nothing else, my feet bare, my face undoubtedly a tear-stained wreck. “I don’t want you to,” I sob, breaking down completely. “I don’t want you to go.”

  He slams his car door and runs toward me, worry written all over his face. He just catches me before my body gives, scooping me up into his arms and squeezing me to his chest. My arms hold him so tightly, my heart telling me this is right. Me and him. It’s so right.

  “It doesn’t have to be this hard,” he whispers, walking up the steps and into my hallway, shutting the door behind him. Detaching me from his body, he brings his hand to my face, and when the heat of his touch meets my cheek, the warmth spreads throughout me. Those powerful, consuming feelings take hold. Just one touch. He brings his face close to mine, his other hand settling on my hip as we stare into each other’s eyes. I see so much pain behind his mesmerizing grays. And so much life.

  “Don’t make me give you up, Annie,” he murmurs quietly, his voice broken with emotion.

  My throat clogs, my eyes refilling with hopeless tears. “I have no fight left in me.”

  “Good, because I’m fucking exhausted battling with you.” He dips his head and claims my mouth gently, sensing my fragile state, his hand sliding into my hair and fisting, holding me in place.

  Falling.

  I return his kiss, no questions, no fighting and no hesitation. It’s slow, it’s accepting, and it’s loving. And everything is better once again.

  Then things begin to get desperate. Things start to get frantic. Jack moans, over and over, and I swallow them all. The pace of our swirling tongues begins to increase until we’re going at each other with a desperate urgency, ripping each other’s clothes from our bodies, stumbling down the hallway, banging into the walls and groaning loudly. Our desperation is spiraling. A trail of clothes is left in our wake as we cause a hurricane with our urgency to get to the bedroom.

  Jack doesn’t push me to the bed as I expect. He slams me into the wall, our hands feeling everywhere they can reach. I’m lost in him, and I have no wish to find myself. I have to have him, and while he’s ravishing me with such conviction and confidence, I have no hope of stopping this. And no desire to.

  The forbidden is too irresistible. It has a dangerous allure and a compelling magnetism. And it’s certainly going to inflict pain and anguish. It defies reason for me to willingly allow myself to be possessed like this. To surrender to a man who belongs to someone else. But I can’t fight my heart. I want him. My sanity will be compromised no matter which road I take. I’m doomed.

  Jack takes us to the floor, our naked bodies rubbing in all the right places, as he holds me beneath him, pinning my arms above my head. I shout, I writhe, I arch my back violently. His mouth is all over me, every kiss filled with fire, every lick sending surges of energy through me. His lips latch on to my nipple and suck hard, licking and nibbling at the tip.

  “Jack!” I scream, bucking desperately under him. I’m being tortured in the best and worst ways possible.

  He doesn’t let up. Keeping my arms securely over my head, he crawls all over me, kissing me everywhere, his lips eventually finding their way to my mouth and devouring me. Deep plunges, wide swirls, harsh bites of my lips. I’m going out of my mind. Pulling the flesh of my bottom lip through his teeth, he opens his eyes and watches me coming undone as he releases my lip and kisses his way down the center of my stomach. Our eyes lock and he brings my arms down to my tummy, holding both wrists in one hand on my abdomen so his mouth can reach…

  “Oh God!” I fling my head back and snap my spine into a
harsh arch, trying to yank my hands free. They’re going nowhere. I try to relax, try to savor the indescribable pleasure. I look down at him, panting my way through it, the slick warmth of his tongue swirling far and wide sending me dizzy. I flop back and hold my breath, feeling the rush of pressure dropping fast into my sex.

  “Jack!” I cry as my climax seizes me, tossing me into an oblivion of stars and white noise, my body violently vibrating under him. The pleasure goes on and on, ripping through me like the most powerful of tornados, knocking everything out of me. Everything—the guilt, the tormenting conscience, the ability to care about what I’m doing. It’s all lost in a haze of Jack.

  My body liquefies and I go lax on the floor while he laps lazily around my clitoris, sucking gently, easing me down. I feel utterly useless beneath him, my arms flopping above my head. I exhale on a moan, feeling him crawling up my body, until his lips are level with mine and he’s exploring my mouth again, this time gently. I swallow his hums and breathe him into me, relishing in his weight spread over me and the feel of his cock pulsing against my leg.

  “How was it for you?” he asks as he nibbles his way across my mouth. I can’t help but smile. It’s probably misplaced, but, good lord, I feel like I’ve had the pleasure of a million orgasms all at once, and during the process, my shaking world has aligned completely.

  “Good,” I admit, nuzzling into the scruff at his neck. I’ve never felt so sated. Finding some strength, I drag my arms up and curl them around his shoulders, humming happily.

  “Sounds like someone is satisfied,” he muses, pecking my lips one last time and pulling away.

  “Is that a hint?” I ask, cocking an eyebrow at him.

  “Speaking of hints…”

  “Oh, your cute little note?”

  He grins, the god-glorious grin that I haven’t seen for too long. A grin that I’ve never seen on his face when he’s been with his wife. I make him happy. “You didn’t take much notice, though, did you?”

  “I was in shock.” My eyes fall to his neck, and my hand automatically lifts to ghost my finger across the faded marks.

  Jack’s smile is now sad, and he takes my hand from his neck, pulling it to his mouth and kissing my knuckles. “She lashes out.” He looks so unaffected by it, and that’s the worst thing of all. It’s normal to him. This big, strapping man. I get a sudden, vivid recollection of me swinging at him last night in my drunken state, and how mad he was. Ashamed of myself, I vow here and now to never let that happen again, no matter how frustrated I am. “Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask.

  “Because when I’m with you, I’m free, Annie. I’m not tearing myself up inside wondering what the fuck went wrong with my marriage and why Stephanie is the way she is. I’m not obsessing about blame and where it falls. And I’m not trapped and miserable. I’m me again.”

  My welling eyes fall from his handsome face. “Why do you allow it?”

  “What am I going to do? Hit her back? I’d kill her with one punch.”

  “Leave her,” I whisper, my throat ragged and broken. The thought of her physically hurting him tears me up inside, no matter how capable he is. No matter how big and strong. He just has to accept it? “Just leave her.” Tears build in my eyes, and Jack rolls into my side, propping himself up on an elbow.

  He tenderly wipes them away, bringing his face down to mine. “Don’t cry for me.”

  His gentle order has the reverse effect, and I start to sob, my face turning and hiding in his neck. How can he be so accepting of this? The thought of someone physically hurting him destroys me inside.

  Jack forces me out, putting his body on top of mine, getting nose to nose with me. “She doesn’t hurt me, Annie. The only person in this world who can hurt me is you. Do you hear what I’m saying to you? I’m untouchable if I have you.” He starts to dot light kisses all over my wet face, wiping away the tears with his mouth.

  “You have to leave her.” I reach over his shoulders and hold him to me, like I can protect him from her. Take him away from his nightmare.

  “Trust me. When I can I will.” He lifts his face and gazes down at me, brushing my hair from my wet face. “You’ve given me a purpose. A real reason to get out. My own happiness wasn’t enough to leave. It just wasn’t worth the pain and backlash. Your happiness is enough, and I know I can make you happy. Just like I know how happy I can be with you.”

  His spew of words hits me hard. Every single one of them. He doesn’t just need to leave her, he wants to. For me. When he can, he will. “When will the time be right?” I ask on a mere whisper, starting to grow concerned by what this really means. It means people will know. It means she’ll know.

  “I don’t know.” He gives me sorry eyes. “A few weeks ago, before I met you, I’d have said never. Now, I will make sure I find the right time. But I have to tread carefully. And you have to trust me to do this the best way. Please, just give me time.”

  What I should do now is walk away. Let him sort out that part of his life before I even think to continue this. That’s what I should do. It doesn’t mean that I can. “Are you telling me you’re going to leave your wife?” I ask again, if only for clarification. If only to hear him say it again.

  “Yes,” he answers without a second’s hesitation. “I need to get out for my own sanity and health. I’m leaving her because I need there to be life left in me, life that I want to give to you. There’s something still alive inside of me, Annie, and you’ve found it.”

  I pull him down and cuddle him. I wanted him before I knew I couldn’t have him. My want has only multiplied by a million since then, no matter how much guilt tries to mask it. I’ve never wanted something so badly that I’ll willingly sacrifice my integrity to have it. I would never throw down my demands for him to leave his wife. That’s his move to make when he thinks it’s best to make it. In the meantime, I get some of him. I need some of him. Even if it’s just for my own sanity. Nothing with Jack isn’t an option.

  “I’ll take whatever you can give me for now.” It pains me to say it, but it’s the truth. I have to finally face the fact that I’m falling for a married man. I’ve tried to run away. And got nowhere, not only because Jack won’t let me. But because my heart won’t either. He’s asked me for time, and though I know most will think I’m certifiably mad, I’m willing to give it to him, because he’s worth the wait. I trust him. I don’t want to make his life any more difficult than it already is.

  I kiss his neck, tracing circles across his back, and stamp out the thoughts threatening to ruin the moment. Right now, he’s mine. In this moment, he’s mine.

  “I trust you,” I whisper.

  Moving back, he kisses me with the most incredible amount of meaning injected into it. “Thank you,” he breathes.

  He trails his lips across my face and I smile sadly. Because no matter how much I try to fool myself, a piece of Jack isn’t what I want at all, and I know deep down that there will come a point when I can’t make do with part of him. I just hope Jack finds whatever strength he needs to leave his wife before that time comes.

  Chapter 13

  We made love all day. Slow, soft, and meaningful love. He looked down at me, our breaths mingling, our hands exploring, as he drove into me firm and exact, over and over. It was blissful. It was beyond incredible. It left me dazed and struggling to keep my eyes open. Which is a good thing, because I didn’t have the energy to disintegrate when he kissed me gently on the forehead before he left last night.

  I fell into a deep slumber and dreamed of Jack. It was the most satisfying night’s sleep I’ve ever had. The only thing that would have made it better would have been to have Jack wrapped around me the whole night through. But entering into this, I have to accept that that can never happen. It feels like a small price to pay after the time we’ve just spent together, full of acceptance and total devotion. Just a small price to pay. For now.

  I feel full of life and energy as I shower. Strangely, there’s an overwhelming sense of re
lief, like a weight has been lifted from my tired shoulders. Like I have someone else to help carry the burden of my choices with me.

  I’m standing in the mirror looking at myself, kitted from top to toe in sportswear. My cheeks have a healthy glow, my dark hair is glossy, and my light green eyes are sparkling brightly. And I have a delicious heaviness between my thighs. I feel good, and ignorant as it may seem, I don’t question it.

  I grab my iPod, load a playlist, and hit the street. A run. I have no idea where the urge has come from, but I’m going to make the most of it while I have the drive. The sun is warm on my back as I make tracks toward Hyde Park, feeling fresh and rejuvenated. That may not be the case in a few miles, but for now my legs are working with little effort and my breathing is consistent and easy. It defies the fact that I haven’t worked out in over a year. And I’m smiling. Above & Beyond’s “Sun & Moon” is pumping in my ears, spurring me on, as I race through the park, my focus set firmly forward. Fellow runners nod and return my smile as I continue to breathe steadily.

  Jack is a constant vision in my mind, except now I’m not fighting to get him out. He’s embedded on my brain, and I like him there. His grin, his sparkling eyes. His voice, his laugh, his cheeky banter. His passion for my work and his encouragement. Everything about him. Our moments have been just stolen pieces of time, but no matter how brief, they’re still so incredibly powerful, the feelings lingering on, and I’m hoping that makes the time in between without him more manageable.

  I smile and take a sharp right, running toward the Serpentine, the fresh morning air breezing across my skin. Something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye and I look across the grass to see Micky waving frantically at me. I pull the buds out of my ears and wave back.

  “What the fuck’s gotten into you?” he shouts, showing the sky his palms.

  “Felt like a run!” I call, keeping up my pace.