Just Say When NC

  Chapter1

  TwoweeksbeforeChristmas

  JamescameinstantlyawakeasJuliaslidoutofhisbed, butkepthisbreathingeven.Itwasn’teasy.

  Shewasleaving.

  Again.

  They’dbeentogetherforsixmonths.Notjustsleeping together.No,whattheysharedinthisbed–andinhisshower andonhisstairs,orwhereverelsetheycouldgetateachother

  –wassomuchmorethansex.

  Andyetshe’dneverspenttheentirenightwithhim.When hewokeup,she’dbegone.Oh,she’dleaveanote,inlipgloss onhisbathroommirror,acutepost-itonhisfridge,ascribbled

  “haveagoodday”onhisnightstand.

  Butshe’dstillbegone.

  Atfirsthehadn’tminded.Hisworkwasdemandingandhe wasatitforlonghourshandcraftingwoodfurnitureforashop intheCowHollowdistrictofSanFrancisco.Itwasphysically intensiveandhe’dalwayslikedhavinghisbedtohimself.

  Buthenolongerwantedthat.HewantedJulia.Besidehim.

  Beneathhim.Ontopofhim…Howeverhecouldgether.Hewas beginningtowonderifhewastheonlyonewhofeltthat.Maybe shedidn’twanttobewithhimpastthegoodsex.Exceptthat didn’tfly.They’dhadalotofadventurestogether,andshe alwaysseemedsohappywhenshewaswithhim.Butthen again,whywouldshealwayswaitforhimtofallasleepbefore sneakingout?

  He’dtoldhermorethanoncethatshedidn’tneedtogo.

  Butshe’dhadanexcuse;anearlymeetingatthehospital whereshewasheadnurse,orshehadtorunerrands.

  Itwasalwayssomething.

  Itwasnever“Iwanttostaywithyou,James…”

  He’dunderstood.Untilhedidn’t.

  Hethoughtaboutthegoldenheartnecklaceinablack velvetboxinhisjeanspocketonthefloorwiththerestoftheir clothes.He’dgottenitearlierinthedayandplannedtowrapit andhaveitbeneathhisChristmastreeforheronChristmas day.Buthehadn’tgottenthatfarwhenshe’ddroppedthe dressshe’dwornontheirdateanddistractedhimwithher sweet,curvy,gorgeousbodthathecouldnevergetenoughof.

  Andnow,justbeforedawn,shewassoeagertoescape himthatshewasquietlyandquicklygatheringupherclothes, leavinghisroomstillbareassnaked.Thedoorshutsilently behindherandheletithappen,lethergo,staringupatthe ceiling,nolongersleepy.Justcold.

  OneweekbeforeChristmas

  ThenighthadbeenoneofhisfavoriteswithJuliasofar.

  Nowtheywereinhisbedandhewasholdinghertightwhile sheslept.Hehadawindowopentoalightbreezeblowing softlyovertheirstilldampbodies,allthecoverstumbledtothe floor.HecouldfeelthesmallaftertremorsstillwrackingJulia.

  Hisownbodywassosatedheprobablywouldn’tevenregistera pulse.They’ddecimatedthebedandeachother,andit’dbeen

  …amazing.

  She’dbeenovernearlyeverysinglenightthisweekand yetshewasstillalwaysgonewhenhewokeup.Buttonighthe refusedtolethimselfgotosleepafterthey’dmadeeggnogand slowdancedtocheesyChristmasmusicinfrontofhisfireplace.

  Instead,helaythereholdingher,waiting.

  Andsureenough,neardawn,sheslidoutofhisarmsand outofhisbed.Shedressedquicklyandquietlyinthepitchdark roombeforecomingtohisbedsideandbrushingherlipstohis temple.“Goodbye,”shewhispered.

  Heopenedhiseyes.“Youdon’thavetoleave,”hesaid.

  Shewentutterlystill.

  Leaningpasther,heflickedonthelamp.

  Hereyeswerehugeinherface.

  “Youdon’thavetoleave,”hesaidagain,quietly.

  “IcalledanUber.I’vegotsomestufftodofirstthing,and

  —”

  “Wedidn’tgetmuchsleep.You’retired.”Hedidn’twant hertogo.Hewantedhertostay,hewantedtoknowwhatit wouldbeliketowakeupwithhermorningaftermorning.

  Butshenevergavehimthechance.

  Tonight–ormoreaccuratelythismorning–hewantedto knowwhy.

  “James,”shesaidsoftly,withaslowshakeofherhead.

  Shewasn’tgoingtostay.Sittingup,heswunghislegs overthesideofthebedandreachedforher,pullingher betweenhisthighsandpressinghisfaceintothecrookofher neck.Shesmelledlikehervanillashampooandhim,andhe wascertainhe’dnevergetenoughofher.

  Gentlypullingback,shewalkedoutoftheroom.

  Hepickedhisjeansoffthefloorandtuggedthemon, followingherintothelivingroom.“What’sgoingon,whatamI missing?”

  Shestilled,thencamebacktohimandforamoment,he thoughtshe’dchangedhermind,thatshe’dstay.Butsheput herhandonhisbarechest,smiledupathim,whispered“Go backtosleep”,andwithasoftkiss,sheturnedtothedoor.

  “Youcouldbesleepingrightnow,”hesaid.“Idon’tmindif

  youstay.”

  Hershouldersstiffenedsobrieflyhewasn’tsurehe’d actuallyseenitorimaginedit.“Itoldyou,”shemurmured.

  “I’vegotstufftodo.”

  Hewatchedassheslippedintohershoes.Shewouldn’t meethiseyes.“You’relying.”

  Shereactedasifhe’dhither.Sheraisedherhead,looking stunnedandhurt.“No,I’mnot.”

  “Thenyou’reholdingsomethingback.Doyouwantoutof this?Outofus?”

  “No,”shewhispered.

  “Isitnotwhatyouthoughtitwouldbe?AmIdoing somethingwrong?”

  Thehurtinhereyeschangedtoshock.“Ofcoursenot,”

  shesaid.“Iwanttobewithyou.”

  “Thenwhydon’tweeverspendthenighttogether?You neverstay.”

  Shedrewadeepbreath.“Yourlasttwogirlfriendswere clingy.Youtoldmethatearlyon.Thatyouwishedthey’dhad theirownlivestomakethemhappysoitdidn’tallfallonyou.”

  Heblinked.

  “Irefusedtobetheclingygirlfriendwho’dneverleaveyou alone,”shesaidsoftly.“Thegirlwhodependedonyoufortheir happiness.”

  Heshookhishead.“Itwasourseconddate,Ithink,yes?”

  Shenodded.

  “Weweremakingbartalk.Youtoldmeaboutyourex,and howhegotweirdlypossessive,andthenaboutyourmom’s assholeboyfriends,andhowtheytreatedyou.Iknewfromour firstdateIwantedyouforkeeps,butIalsoknewI’dprove myselfwithactionsandwitforyoutobelieveinme.Inus.”

  “Youneveraskedmetostay,”shewhispered.

  “What?”

  “Youneveroncesaid‘Iwantyoutostaythenightwithme, Julia.”

  “Isaiditeverynight.”

  “No,youdidn’t.”Shelookeddownathershoes.Theywere

  athleticshoes,theonessheusedwhenshewasonherfeetfor longhoursatthehospital.Theywerebeatup,andheknewshe neededanewpair.He’dorderedthemafewdaysago,planning tousethemasadistractiongiftforthenecklace.Juliafinally lookedupatmethisgaze.“Youneversayyouwantmeto stay,”shewhispered.“Yousayit’slateandthatIdon’thaveto go,oryoudon’tmindifIwanttostay,ormyfavorite…you canstayifyouwant.”Sheshookherhead.“Butyouneverask metostayortellmethatyouwouldlikeformeto,thatyou wantmetostaywithyou.”

  Shecouldhaveknockedhimoverwithafeather.Andwhile hewasstandingthere,thoughtsspinning,rerunningeverything he’deversaidtoher,shepokedherfingerintohisbarechest.

  “That’swhyIwaitforyoutoinstigateseeingeachother,soI knowyouwanttobewithme.Idon’twanttocrowdyou, James.Ilikedyousomuchsofast,Iwasafraidthat
I’dscare youoffwithitall.Ididn’twanttorisklosingyoubypushingor askingformorethanyouwantedtogive.”Sheletoutabreath.

  “Soifyouwantmore,allyouhavetodoisask,becauseIlove youandI’llgiveyouasmuchoraslittleasyouwant.Theonly thingIdon’twant…istoloseyou.”

  Hestaredatherasherwordssankin.“Youloveme?”

  Hewatchedherinhalearaggedbreath.“Yes.”Shegavea wrysmile.“Ididn’tmeantoflingitatyouinthemiddleofan argument,butIdo.Iloveyou,James.ButjustbecauseIsaidit doesn’tmeanyouhavetosayitback.Iknowyoucareforme.”

  Thefingershe’dhadpokingintohispecwasdropped.Instead, shelaidapalmoverhisheart,goingupontiptoestokisshim goodbye.“Gobacktosleep.You’vegotanotherfewhours beforeyouhavetobeup,andIknowyouneedthesleep.”

  “Julia,wait.I—"

  “No,”shesaidfiercely.“Don’tyoutellmenow,not becauseIwassillyenoughtoblurtitoutinanargument.

  Please,James,justthinkaboutitall,abouteverythingIsaid.

  I’mnotevergoingtorushyou.”

  “MaybeI’mnottheonlyonefeelingrushed,”hesaid quietly,noticingthewayherpulsewasracingatthebaseofher

  throat.Shelookedalmostpanickedthathemightsay somethinghedidn’tmeanjusttoappeaseher.Andhegotit.

  She’dbeenhurt,andsheneededtimetobelieveinthis,inhim.

  Andthatwassomethinghecouldgiveher.

  Hewalkedtoher,cuppedherfaceandlookeddeeplyinto hereyes.“You’llletmeknowwhen,”hemurmured,andgave heronelastkiss,feelinghisheartrolloverandexposeits underbellyasshenoddedandslippedaway.

  Chapter2

  ChristmasEve

  JuliastoodinlineatthecoffeeshopintheCowHollow districtofSanFrancisco,nervesjanglingthroughherstomach likeaswarmofbutterfliesgonewild.Itwasprobablylackof sleep.Stillinhernursescrubs,shewasfreshoffatwelve-hour nightshiftintheER.

  Shehadn’tmanagedtogetmuchsleepintheweeksince she’dseenJames.Partofitwasthatshe’dhadtotakeon severaldoubleshiftsatthehospitalthisweekduetoaflu ravagingthestaff.

  Theotherpartwasherowndoing.She’dwalkedawayfrom thebestmanshe’deverknown.Andwhy?

  Becauseshewasscared.

  Terrified,actually.

  Lovehadneverdoneadamnthingexcepthurther,and shedidn’tknowhowtobelieve.Jameswasamanofhisword, buthewasalsoamanoffewwords.Heshowedhisfeelings withhisactions,sheknewthat,justassheknewit’dlefther withmorethanashadowofadoubt.

  Sowhathadshedone?She’dthrownherfeelingsathim andwalkedaway.She’dtoldhimsheneededtimeandbeing themanhewas,he’dgivenittoher.

  Butshemissedhim.God,shemissedhim.“Whatareyou evendoing?”shemurmuredtoherself.

  “Idon’tknow,honey,”saidtheoldmanbehindherwho lookedlikeEinstein,ifEinsteinhadgonetoWoodstock.“Butif youcan’tfigureitout,someofusarejonesingforamuffin,so doyoumind?It’snotlikeI’vegotalotoftimeleft.”

  Theoldwomanwithhimsmackedhimonthearm.“Stop scaringperfectstrangersintothinkingyou’reonyourdeathbed.

  Youprovedthatisn’tevenclosetotruelastnightonour anniversarydate.”Shewinked.“AndI’mhopingyou’regoingto

  proveitagaintonight.”

  Themankissedhiswoman’scheek.“Whateveryouwant, CuteStuff.Always…”

  Thewomansnortedandmovedoutoflinetostudythe displaycasefilledwithdeliciouslookingmuffins.

  “HappyAnniversary,”Juliasaid.“Howlonghaveyoutwo beentogether?”

  Themangrinned.“Aweek.ButI’mgoingtomarryherif she’llhaveme.”

  Julia’sheartwarmed,butitdidn’tstaythatway.She missedJames.Somuch.Theworstpartwasthathe’dberight herebyhersideifshehadn’tletoldinsecuritiessabotagethe bestthingthathadeverhappenedtoher.

  He’djustrecentlytakenonhisdreamjob,handcrafting woodfurnitureforReclaimedWoods,anupscalefurnitureshop inthisverybuilding. Amazingfurniture,ifshesaidsoherself.

  He’dmadeanameforhimselfandwasoneofthecity’sArtists ontheRisethisyear.Shewasproudofhim,soproud.Andshe lovedhim.Nomatterthatshe’dletherfearsgetaholdofher, lovinghimhadn’tgoneaway.

  Great,andnowshecouldfeelherbreathquickeningin anxiety.Shewasgoingtohaveapanicattack.

  “Youokay,honey?”theoldmanasked.“Youlooklikeyou needapaperbagtoputoveryourmouth.”

  Shelaughedalittlebreathlessly.“Yeah.”

  “WhenIgetanxiety,Iuseapaperbagtoo.Idrinkallthe bourboninside.Ithelpsalot.”

  Sheletoutalittlelaugh.“Caretosharewhat’syoursecret toyourweekoldrelationship?”sheaskedtheoldman.

  “Easy.”Hewinkedather.“She’salwaysright.”

  “Molly!”thewomanbehindthecountercalledout.Her namewasTina,andshenotonlyownedtheshopdecoratedlike aholidaymovieset,shemadethebestcoffeeandmuffinson theplanet.“OrderreadyforMolly!”

  Awoman,Mollyapparently,steppedupandreachedfor theofferedtrayoffourcoffees,butamanbeathertoit, slippingTinathecashdirectly.“Gotit,babe,”hesaidtoMolly,

  andthenkissedtheveryluckywomanonthelipsbeforethey walkedoutoftheshophandinhand.

  Julia’sheartsqueezed.Jameslookedatherlikethat,like nooneelseintheroomexisted.Shemovedtothecounterand pointedtothemuffins.“Adozen,please.”Hermom,a maternitynurseatthesamehospitalasshe,alwayssaidshe wantedTina’smuffinsmorethanair.Andhermom,who’d raisedJuliaonherownafterbeingdumpedbymanafterman, allwhileworkingherassofftokeeparoofovertheirheadsand foodintheirbellies,rarelyspentapennyonherself.

  SonowthatJuliawasactuallykeepingherheadabove water,shetriedtospoilhermomwheneverpossible.

  JameshadoftendonethesameforJulia.HelovedTina’s fudge,whichshedidn’tmakeoften.Butthankfullytherewas someinthedisplaytoday,andasshestaredatit,shecouldn’t helpbutremembersomeofthewayssheandJameshad sharedit,afewofthemextremely,eroticallynaughty.

  She’dmethimwhenhe’dcomeintotheERsixmonthsago afternearlyslicinghisthumboffatwork.She’dassistedin gettinghimstitchedupandhe’daskedherout.

  She’dneverlookedback.

  Unlikeanyothermaninherlife,he’dstuck.Throughthick andthin,andthickagain.Throughanythingshethrewathim, liketryingtopushhimawayjusttoproveshewasn’tmeantfor love.

  Heworkedrighthereinthisbuilding.Shecould’vegone anywhereforcoffeeandmuffins,butshehadn’t.Apartofher, ahugepartofher,hadhopedtoseehim.

  You’llletmeknowwhen…

  Thosehadbeenhislastwordstoheraftercuppingherface andlookingdeeplyintohereyes.

  Thathadbeenaweekago.Onelong,heartbreakingweek duringwhichshe’ddonenothingbutthinkabouthim;hissmile, hislaugh,hiscallusedhands,sostrongyetsotenderonher skin.

  “Anythingelse?”Tinaasked,makingherjump.

  Shepointedtothefudge.“Apoundofthat,please,”she

  said,voicealittletrembly.“Thanks.”AndwhileTinarangher up,Juliapulledoutherphone,andwithnohesitationsenta texttoJames.

  When.

  Outside,shestoppedandblinkedbeforewalkingacrossthe cobblestonecourtyard,decoratedfortheholidaywithendless stringsofwhitetwinklinglightsandpottedChristmastrees.She tookinthesightofO’Riley’sPub,wheresheandJameshad goneontheirseconddate.

  Herbatteredsneakersweresilentonthecobblestonesas shewalked,slowingneartheendofthecourtyar
d,notquiteto whereReclaimedWoodshadtheirshop.Notgoingfarther,she satonthebenchinfrontofagorgeoushundred-year-old fountain.Jameshadtoldheraboutitslegend,whichsaidthatif onewishedonthefountainfortruelovewithatrueheart,it wouldcometrue.

  She’dlaughedandJameshadveryseriouslyhandedhera quarter.

  Takingthedare,she’dclosedhereyes,wishedon somethingshedidn’tbelievein–truelove–andtossedthe coin.

  Thenthey’dkissedforthefirsttime.

  Theoldmanwordsabouthisgirlfriendinthecoffeeshop reverberatedinherhead. She’salwaysright.

  Jameshadbeentherightonethistime.Hemadeher laugh,hemadeherfeelgood,hemadeherfeelspecial.Sexy.

  Smart.Thetwoofthembelongedtogether.She’dfoughtit,but thatwasfear.Shemissedhimsomuchthatsheached.

  Thebenchrockedalittleasanunbearablyfamiliarbuilt bodydressedinjeansandablackT-shirt,bothcoveredin sawdust,satnexttoher.

  SheturnedherheadandmetJames’sdarkblueeyes.

  “Hey,”shewhispered.

  “Hey.”Heleanedforwardandworkedatbrushinghimself offrunninghisfingersthroughhissun-kissedbrownhairsothat sawdustraineddownoverthebothofthem.Whenhefinished helookedather.“Igotyourtext,andIwasraisedtobea

  gentlemansoIknowIshouldletyougofirst,butIhave somethingtosaythatcan’twait.”

  Herheartclutched.Maybeshe’dfreakedhimoutby exposinghersecretinsecuritiestohim.Maybeit’dbeenher declarationoflove.Eitherway,itwasherownfault.

  Butwhateverhesaid,nomatterhowithurt,shewould acceptit.Becauseshe’dblownherchance.Shegavehima tightnodandtriedtoremembertobreathe.

  “Yousaidsomethingslastweekthatsurprisedme,”he said,lookingrightintohereyes.“WhenIdidn’tthinkIcouldbe surprised.Butyouwereright.I wascarefulwithmywords whenitcametoyou,andthatwasmyownwayofprotecting myself.Iputupashield,andthendeniedit,eventomyself.I needyou,Julia.Ididn’trealizehowmuchuntilyouleft.With you,Ifeellessaloneandforthefirsttimeinmylife,Iknow whatcontentmentfeelslike.Iloveyou,Julia.Sodamnmuchit hurts”Heletoutaraggedbreath.“Okay.That’sit.Ineededto makesureyouknewthat.”Helookeddownathistightly claspedhands,scarredandcallousedfromhiswork.“Sowhat arewedoingnow?Fighting,or…”