Oh Shit

Oh Shit

  ****

  By Hiranya Borah

  Copyright 2017 Hiranya Borah

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  Preface

  2nd October, 2019 is the target date for making India open defecation free (ODF). All the stakeholders are taking all necessary steps to achieve this particular goal without any dilution.

  I also whole heartedly involved myself in this noble cause and as a part of my duties, I have to go to different places to know about the ground reality of the progress in the direction of declaring entire country ODF. Without saying, it is the greatest success story of modern India. But always there is a funny side of any serious story.

  Here I want to tell you some of imaginary stories, not necessarily related with the implementation of the present scheme. The characters described in the stories are fictitious and are not real. If any resemblance of any character is observed, it is mere coincidence only.

  Thanks to my readers and friends and above all my family for their constant support to write something usual and unusual. I love them all.

  Author

  Chapter I: Excursion

  Every educated person of our time is having the experience of excursions during their school or college days due to having less number of family outings during those days. In fact, in those days going out of home means going to a relative’s home or to a friend’s home. Excursions from school or college was the only means to travel outside the domain of relatives’ home by the students from middle and lower middle class families.

  After Class IX examination, we have arranged an excursion to visit some historical places of Sibsagar district.

  Gargaon, the capital town of Ahom Kingdom, who ruled Assam continuously for six hundred years (1228-1826) is a part of Sibsagar (Sagar means sea in Assamese language) district. The name, Sibsagar was derived from a huge man made water tank measuring more than one square mile, constructed during the time of Ahom ruler, Siba Singha. The whole town is situated surrounding this magnificent tank. Sibsagar district boasts of another two huge tanks, constructed under different rulers, namely, Jay-Sagar (In the name of Jaymati, mother queen of the most famous Ahom King, Rudra Singha.) and Gauri Sagar (constructed during the regime of Gauri Singha).

  The story of Jaymati is extremely revered for every Assamese. The story of Jaymati goes like this.

  Jaymati, a princess of the ruling clan of Assam, was tortured to death on the behest of Lora Raja who was after her Husband, Gadapani in the later part of seventeenth century. She was tortured to know the where-about of her husband, who was absconding to avoid ‘Angakhat’, man with amputated organ. As per Ahom tradition a person cannot be a king if he is short of any organ. The then immature King Lora Raja and his mentor Laluksola Barphukan captured all the eligible and prospective princes for the throne and amputated at least one organ to make them in-eligible to become king. Gadapani was the most powerful prince of that time and liked by most of the generals under Ahom King. Therefore, Lora Raja was wary of this powerful prince and ordered his arrest to make him amputated. However, he got the news before his arrest and left home and went to Nagahills for hiding. Not finding him, the king ordered the arrest of his wife, Jaymati and asked where about of her husband. When she refused to tell where about of her husband she was ordered physical punishment in a public place. She was tied to a thorny tree and was beaten by Choudungs (official employed for punishment) using hunters. After facing inhumane torture for 64 days, she had succumbed to her injuries inflicted on her body. Her death made an uprising by the Generals of Ahom Kingdom which culminated in dethroning of Lora Raja and in coronation of Gadapani as Gadadhar Singha, new King of Ahom Kingdom. Gadhadhar Singha was succeeded by his eldest son, Rudra Singha, the most powerful King of Ahom Kingdom. He had ruled Assam for almost three decades and during his time the Jaysagar tank was constructed in memory of his mother.

  To see these historical monuments, we were very excited and contacted few schools located at Sibsagar for free accommodation. However, only one semi Government school agreed to open one class room for our accommodation for three days.

  From our village, Sibsagar was hardly 200 Kms but as that time, there was no bridge over mighty Brahmaputra, it took almost one full day to reach Sibsagar after taking the first bus at 6-30 AM from our village. We had to travel by motor launch for two hours to cross Brahmaputra and to take another bus from, Silghat the other bank of the river. Finally, when we reached Sibsagar, it was half past seven in the evening.

  The night watchman opened one room for us. When we asked for the location of the bathroom, he showed his 32 teeth and told, ‘What bath room? There is no bathroom or toilet in the school. In the morning, you have to go to the other side of the railway line for your morning duty.’

  For the first time, in the next morning we walked more than a KM, to defecate outside in open. I should not be hypocrite by telling that ‘we did not enjoy the OD’ at that time. Going in a group of twenty boys, all below fourteen itself was a unique experience. During the actual action, we talked to each other. That is the reason, I can understand the psyche of good number of Biharis and UPwallas who like to go for OD despite of their good economic condition. After those three OD morning, we went to Dibrugarh.

  We did not get the opportunity go to rail line again for OD at Dibrugarh or elsewhere also till date; but for next few years, OD at Sibsagar became a hot topic for our discussion. Now also we utter, ‘Oh shit’, whenever we meet all those friends who went to Sibsagar for our excursion!

  Chapter II: How Fear of Ghost Played a Role

  Our home at our village was situated near a football field. The other side of the football field was used as an open defecation ground by some ex-tea garden labourers and few villagers from our own village. The football field was shrinking day by day because of open defecation. There was some reports of skirmishes among two groups on that issue.

  In one of my visit to my village from my college, one of my friends told me the problem and he felt that unless some drastic steps are taken, whole football field would be open defecation ground within a year or two.

  ‘Let us see what I can do?’ I told my friend. In next two days, I gathered that most of defecation took place after dusk and before midnight. I knew most of those people were afraid of ghosts. Therefore, at first through some of my friends, I generated a rumour that last few days, some of us saw a ghost roaming around the football field. Initially, only few of the labourers believed. However, fear gripped into the minds of more of them on every passing day. Finally, after a week both of us decided to go for the kill.

  My height is at least six inches more than the average Indian height and my friend’s height was just few inches less than my height. In fact, I was the tallest boy of my village and ninety percent villagers were shorter than my friend. To make my height more than usual height, I wore a paper cap of at least one foot. Similar cap was worn by my friend also. After dusk, we climbed to a nearby tree and wait for someone to come to the ground for defecation.

  We did not come down till one of the labourers started his action. When he was middle of his action, we appeared before him. As he saw us, with a scream, he tried to run away but we forced him on his own shit without uttering a single word. The poor fellow fell unconscious.

  We left the place immediately without making any sound. Within few minutes, there was a huge commotion in the ground. All the labourers and villagers came to the field to find out what happened and found the labourer unc
onscious.

  Luckily for us, the labourer got his consciousness within few minutes.

  After three months when I visited my village, my friend told me the football field became free of Open Defecation due to fear of ghost. A few years back I came to know that the football field became a sports ground of a local high school.

  Whenever, I remember about my role as a tree climbing ghost, I use to utter, ‘Oh, shit’.

  Chapter III: Breaking of a Marriage

  Believe it or not, one of my known senior citizen remain unmarried because of ‘Oh shit’ factor.

  That gentleman had a steady relation with a young lady for a year or two. They decided to tie the nuptial knot with the permission of their parents.

  One day, my senior decided to take his girlfriend to a talkie. When he went to pick up the lady, she was not home at that time. He met her younger brother and asked him where was her sister.

  He answered, ‘Sister has gone to the backside of their kitchen garden (in Assam kitchen gardens are very big, sometimes more than two-three acre) to defecate.’

  The raw answer given by her brother directly hit the heart of my senior friend. He left their home immediately and thought, ‘Whom I thought a fairy of my life, directly coming from a dreamland; goes for open defecation! That is too much!’

  Despite of repeated requests from all concerned to marry the girl, he decided to remain a bachelor for rest of his life.

  I do not know whether he uttered ‘Oh shit’ before taking the decision; but I know he did not marry anyone in his life.

  Chapter IV: Propagate for ODF but Forced to Defecate in Open

  Recently, I visited one state where, all the officers are sincerely involved in Swachh Bharat Mission whole heartedly. While appreciating their efforts, I am narrating a story that came to my knowledge on the side-lines of our meeting with the state government officers of that state.

  They showed me a video where it was shown a team led by a very senior officer of the state visited seven remote villages of the state in seven days on foot to propagate use of sanitary toilets as a part of Swachh Bharat Mission to eradicate habit of open defecation. These villages were connected only by narrow lanes and any person who is visiting those villages has to carry all his belongings including necessary food, drinks and beddings by himself or by porters.

  After enjoying the beautiful short film, I asked one the officers who accompanied the senior officer to those villages, ‘How did you respond to the call of nature?’

  ‘Ha ha, in open sir. Unfortunately, I suffered loose motion during the journey. I am still keeping half of the handkerchief as souvenir of the visit and troubles we faced during the visit.’

  I again got a chance to utter the same, ‘Oh Shit’.

  Chapter V: Construction of Pits

  Exceptions cannot be an example. But exceptions are sometimes funny and outrageous. From the concerned authority, specific instructions are issued on specifications of pits for toilet, septic tank for toilet, provision of safe disposal of excreta etc. on time to time.

  But being a representative of very large country, we sometimes used to do some mental exercise. From these outrageous exercise of our brain, we sometimes decide to do something which may not be prudent and sometimes laughable.

  The double pits toilet (recommended one) for safe toilets, pits should be around four feet deep. But some of the over-enthusiastic persons use to make pits deeper than this with the original thought , ‘bigger is always better’. This habit of few persons reminded me another story.

  At that time, I was very young and performing the duty of Head of the Office of a particular office. One of the officers working under me was constructing a building after taking Government loan, popularly known as HBA (house building advance). After issuing the second instalment of the loan amount, I had to visit the building site as per the official rules.

  When I saw large pond near to the building site, I asked the officer what it was. He said with a grin, ‘Sir it is the tank for sanitary latrine. The mason suggested to construct a big tank so that it need not have to be cleaned for hundred years. I also thought cleaning of tank is a big problem and therefore I took his advice. Is it alright sir?’

  I only exclaimed, ‘Oh, shit’.

  Chapter VI: You May Be a VIP, But Still a Human Being Only

  It is a VVIP story. He is a great leader and has high degree of security cover to move around.

  A few years back, he was out of power for a limited period of time. During that period to hog limelight, he sat on a hunger strike near a Government building which is located at a high security zone of the city.

  You can live without food, but you cannot avoid call of nature. When he got the call of nature, his deputies requested the officer in charge of the Government building to allow their leader to use the toilet in the early morning.

  Though it was not permissible, considering his status, the officer allowed the VVIP to come inside the building through the back door. He instructed one orderly to take the VVIP to the third floor so that none would know about use of official facility while on a hunger strike against the Government.

  After half an hour, the VVIP left. The orderly then rushed to his boss to tell, ‘Sir, I am extremely sorry to tell you that for last three days there was no water supply on the third floor.’

  After admonishing his subordinate, when the officer visited the third floor he discovered a used sock soaked with shit probably used by the unfortunate (for that time only) VVIP.

  The officer was left with no alternative but to utter to himself, ‘Oh shit’.

  .

  The author is a Government servant and a man of vivid experiences derived from his official postings across the country, travels across India and numerous visits outside India. He is presently placed at New Delhi.

  His earlier publications are:

  1.Random Thoughts through a Coloured Prism

  2. Dilemma of a Young Mind

  3. Funny Statistics and Serious Statisticians

  4. Melody of Fragrance

  5. Akhadya

  6. Few Cities through the Lens of Hiranya Borah

  7. Guilt: Gift of Winter Spring

  8. Beautiful Ghost

  9. Great Fighters: Grace of God

  10. All Blurred

  11. Putting kids to sleep

  12.How to become unpopular

  13. Soulmates

  14. My grumpy Face

  15. Love and Worries

  16. Discussion of own Birth: A Taboo

  17. Interview

  18. Indecent Love Affairs

  19. My Fair Lady

  20.Waiting time

  21. Two Stories

  22. My Mother: Dashami Borah

  23. Parineeta

  24. Manorama

  25. Unwanted

  26. First Attempt

  27. A father

  28. The Portrait

  29. Snapped Thread

  30. Only He Knows

  31. The Stupid Mother

  32. The Same Old Story

  33. The Old Scoundrel

  34. Third Attempt

  35. Some of my First Days and First Nights

  36. Snubbed Twice

  37. Have You Met the God

  38. Frequent Flier

  39. Messiah

  40. Forgive and Forget

  41. To Win or to lose

  42. Call Girl

  43. Beyond Blood Relation

  44. Lady with a Black Car

  45. My wife

  46. Complete Woman

  47. Diwali Gift

  48. Romance with a Lady

  49. Open Hear Surgery

  50. My First Love

  51. Replacement

  52. Pebbles on My Way Home

  53. My First Bengali Book

  54. Murder Mystery

  55. Niharika

  56. Swapping

  57. Make a Habit to Thank God

  58. Killing of A Bird

  59.
The Hero

  60. Fantasy versus Reality

  61. The Party

  62. Road Rage

  63. Death of a Friend

  64. Cannot Live with Memory Only

  65. None Cares for Me

  66. A Tribute to My Guru

  67. Two Professionals

  68. The Choice

  69. The Elusive Spouse

  70. First Encounter with A P

  71. Plane Crash

  72. Plane Crash Part-II

  73. Plane Crash Part-III

  74. Abducted

  75. A Bag of Currency

  76. Suitable Groom

  77. Head Hunters

  78. My Dear Sister

  79. Selection While Waiting at the Airport

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