Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2, Page 2

  CHAPTER XIV.

  _An interview between parson Adams and parson Trulliber._

  Parson Adams came to the house of parson Trulliber, whom he foundstript into his waistcoat, with an apron on, and a pail in his hand,just come from serving his hogs; for Mr Trulliber was a parson onSundays, but all the other six might more properly be called a farmer.He occupied a small piece of land of his own, besides which he rented aconsiderable deal more. His wife milked his cows, managed his dairy,and followed the markets with butter and eggs. The hogs fell chiefly tohis care, which he carefully waited on at home, and attended to fairs;on which occasion he was liable to many jokes, his own size being, withmuch ale, rendered little inferior to that of the beasts he sold. Hewas indeed one of the largest men you should see, and could have actedthe part of Sir John Falstaff without stuffing. Add to this that therotundity of his belly was considerably increased by the shortness ofhis stature, his shadow ascending very near as far in height, when helay on his back, as when he stood on his legs. His voice was loud andhoarse, and his accents extremely broad. To complete the whole, he hada stateliness in his gait, when he walked, not unlike that of a goose,only he stalked slower.

  Mr Trulliber, being informed that somebody wanted to speak with him,immediately slipt off his apron and clothed himself in an oldnight-gown, being the dress in which he always saw his company at home.His wife, who informed him of Mr Adams's arrival, had made a smallmistake; for she had told her husband, "She believed there was a mancome for some of his hogs." This supposition made Mr Trulliber hastenwith the utmost expedition to attend his guest. He no sooner saw Adamsthan, not in the least doubting the cause of his errand to be what hiswife had imagined, he told him, "He was come in very good time; that heexpected a dealer that very afternoon;" and added, "they were all pureand fat, and upwards of twenty score a-piece." Adams answered, "Hebelieved he did not know him." "Yes, yes," cried Trulliber, "I have seenyou often at fair; why, we have dealt before now, mun, I warrant you.Yes, yes," cries he, "I remember thy face very well, but won't mention aword more till you have seen them, though I have never sold thee aflitch of such bacon as is now in the stye." Upon which he laid violenthands on Adams, and dragged him into the hog-stye, which was indeed buttwo steps from his parlour window. They were no sooner arrived therethan he cry'd out, "Do but handle them! step in, friend! art welcome tohandle them, whether dost buy or no." At which words, opening the gate,he pushed Adams into the pig-stye, insisting on it that he should handlethem before he would talk one word with him.

  Adams, whose natural complacence was beyond any artificial, was obligedto comply before he was suffered to explain himself; and, laying hold onone of their tails, the unruly beast gave such a sudden spring, that hethrew poor Adams all along in the mire. Trulliber, instead of assistinghim to get up, burst into a laughter, and, entering the stye, said toAdams, with some contempt, "Why, dost not know how to handle a hog?" andwas going to lay hold of one himself, but Adams, who thought he hadcarried his complacence far enough, was no sooner on his legs than heescaped out of the reach of the animals, and cried out, "_Nihil habeocum porcis_: I am a clergyman, sir, and am not come to buy hogs."Trulliber answered, "He was sorry for the mistake, but that he mustblame his wife," adding, "she was a fool, and always committedblunders." He then desired him to walk in and clean himself, that hewould only fasten up the stye and follow him. Adams desired leave to dryhis greatcoat, wig, and hat by the fire, which Trulliber granted. MrsTrulliber would have brought him a basin of water to wash his face, buther husband bid her be quiet like a fool as she was, or she would commitmore blunders, and then directed Adams to the pump. While Adams was thusemployed, Trulliber, conceiving no great respect for the appearance ofhis guest, fastened the parlour door, and now conducted him into thekitchen, telling him he believed a cup of drink would do him no harm,and whispered his wife to draw a little of the worst ale. After a shortsilence Adams said, "I fancy, sir, you already perceive me to be aclergyman."--"Ay, ay," cries Trulliber, grinning, "I perceive you havesome cassock; I will not venture to caale it a whole one." Adamsanswered, "It was indeed none of the best, but he had the misfortune totear it about ten years ago in passing over a stile." Mrs Trulliber,returning with the drink, told her husband, "She fancied the gentlemanwas a traveller, and that he would be glad to eat a bit." Trulliber bidher hold her impertinent tongue, and asked her, "If parsons used totravel without horses?" adding, "he supposed the gentleman had none byhis having no boots on."--"Yes, sir, yes," says Adams; "I have a horse,but I have left him behind me."--"I am glad to hear you have one," saysTrulliber; "for I assure you I don't love to see clergymen on foot; itis not seemly nor suiting the dignity of the cloth." Here Trulliber madea long oration on the dignity of the cloth (or rather gown) not muchworth relating, till his wife had spread the table and set a mess ofporridge on it for his breakfast. He then said to Adams, "I don't know,friend, how you came to caale on me; however, as you are here, if youthink proper to eat a morsel, you may." Adams accepted the invitation,and the two parsons sat down together; Mrs Trulliber waiting behind herhusband's chair, as was, it seems, her custom. Trulliber eat heartily,but scarce put anything in his mouth without finding fault with hiswife's cookery. All which the poor woman bore patiently. Indeed, she wasso absolute an admirer of her husband's greatness and importance, ofwhich she had frequent hints from his own mouth, that she almost carriedher adoration to an opinion of his infallibility. To say the truth, theparson had exercised her more ways than one; and the pious woman had sowell edified by her husband's sermons, that she had resolved to receivethe bad things of this world together with the good. She had indeed beenat first a little contentious; but he had long since got the better;partly by her love for this, partly by her fear of that, partly by herreligion, partly by the respect he paid himself, and partly by thatwhich he received from the parish. She had, in short, absolutelysubmitted, and now worshipped her husband, as Sarah did Abraham, callinghim (not lord, but) master. Whilst they were at table her husband gaveher a fresh example of his greatness; for, as she had just delivered acup of ale to Adams, he snatched it out of his hand, and, crying out, "Icaal'd vurst," swallowed down the ale. Adams denied it; it was referredto the wife, who, though her conscience was on the side of Adams, durstnot give it against her husband; upon which he said, "No, sir, no; Ishould not have been so rude to have taken it from you if you had caal'dvurst, but I'd have you know I'm a better man than to suffer the best hein the kingdom to drink before me in my own house when I caale vurst."

  As soon as their breakfast was ended, Adams began in the followingmanner: "I think, sir, it is high time to inform you of the business ofmy embassy. I am a traveller, and am passing this way in company withtwo young people, a lad and a damsel, my parishioners, towards my owncure; we stopt at a house of hospitality in the parish, where theydirected me to you as having the cure."--"Though I am but a curate,"says Trulliber, "I believe I am as warm as the vicar himself, or perhapsthe rector of the next parish too; I believe I could buy themboth."--"Sir," cries Adams, "I rejoice thereat. Now, sir, my businessis, that we are by various accidents stript of our money, and are notable to pay our reckoning, being seven shillings. I therefore requestyou to assist me with the loan of those seven shillings, and also sevenshillings more, which, peradventure, I shall return to you; but if not,I am convinced you will joyfully embrace such an opportunity of layingup a treasure in a better place than any this world affords."

  Suppose a stranger, who entered the chambers of a lawyer, being imagineda client, when the lawyer was preparing his palm for the fee, shouldpull out a writ against him. Suppose an apothecary, at the door of achariot containing some great doctor of eminent skill, should, insteadof directions to a patient, present him with a potion for himself.Suppose a minister should, instead of a good round sum, treat my lord----, or sir ----, or esq. ---- with a good broomstick. Suppose a civilcompanion, or a led captain, should, instead of virtue, and honour, andbeauty, and parts, and admiration, thunder vice, and infamy, andug
liness, and folly, and contempt, in his patron's ears. Suppose, when atradesman first carries in his bill, the man of fashion should pay it;or suppose, if he did so, the tradesman should abate what he hadovercharged, on the supposition of waiting. In short--suppose what youwill, you never can nor will suppose anything equal to the astonishmentwhich seized on Trulliber, as soon as Adams had ended his speech. Awhile he rolled his eyes in silence; sometimes surveying Adams, then hiswife; then casting them on the ground, then lifting them up to heaven.At last he burst forth in the following accents: "Sir, I believe I knowwhere to lay up my little treasure as well as another. I thank G--, if Iam not so warm as some, I am content; that is a blessing greater thanriches; and he to whom that is given need ask no more. To be contentwith a little is greater than to possess the world; which a man maypossess without being so. Lay up my treasure! what matters where a man'streasure is whose heart is in the Scriptures? there is the treasure of aChristian." At these words the water ran from Adams's eyes; and,catching Trulliber by the hand in a rapture, "Brother," says he,"heavens bless the accident by which I came to see you! I would havewalked many a mile to have communed with you; and, believe me, I willshortly pay you a second visit; but my friends, I fancy, by this time,wonder at my stay; so let me have the money immediately." Trulliber thenput on a stern look, and cried out, "Thou dost not intend to rob me?" Atwhich the wife, bursting into tears, fell on her knees and roared out,"O dear sir! for Heaven's sake don't rob my master; we are but poorpeople." "Get up, for a fool as thou art, and go about thy business,"said Trulliber; "dost think the man will venture his life? he is abeggar, and no robber." "Very true, indeed," answered Adams. "I wish,with all my heart, the tithing-man was here," cries Trulliber; "I wouldhave thee punished as a vagabond for thy impudence. Fourteen shillingsindeed! I won't give thee a farthing. I believe thou art no more aclergyman than the woman there" (pointing to his wife); "but if thouart, dost deserve to have thy gown stript over thy shoulders for runningabout the country in such a manner." "I forgive your suspicions," saysAdams; "but suppose I am not a clergyman, I am nevertheless thy brother;and thou, as a Christian, much more as a clergyman, art obliged torelieve my distress." "Dost preach to me?" replied Trulliber; "dostpretend to instruct me in my duty?" "Ifacks, a good story," cries MrsTrulliber, "to preach to my master." "Silence, woman," cries Trulliber."I would have thee know, friend" (addressing himself to Adams), "I shallnot learn my duty from such as thee. I know what charity is, better thanto give to vagabonds." "Besides, if we were inclined, the poor's rateobliges us to give so much charity," cries the wife. "Pugh! thou art afool. Poor's reate! Hold thy nonsense," answered Trulliber; and then,turning to Adams, he told him, "he would give him nothing." "I amsorry," answered Adams, "that you do know what charity is, since youpractise it no better: I must tell you, if you trust to your knowledgefor your justification, you will find yourself deceived, though youshould add faith to it, without good works." "Fellow," cries Trulliber,"dost thou speak against faith in my house? Get out of my doors: I willno longer remain under the same roof with a wretch who speaks wantonlyof faith and the Scriptures." "Name not the Scriptures," says Adams."How! not name the Scriptures! Do you disbelieve the Scriptures?" criesTrulliber. "No; but you do," answered Adams, "if I may reason from yourpractice; for their commands are so explicit, and their rewards andpunishments so immense, that it is impossible a man should stedfastlybelieve without obeying. Now, there is no command more express, no dutymore frequently enjoined, than charity. Whoever, therefore, is void ofcharity, I make no scruple of pronouncing that he is no Christian." "Iwould not advise thee," says Trulliber, "to say that I am no Christian:I won't take it of you; for I believe I am as good a man as thyself"(and indeed, though he was now rather too corpulent for athleticexercises, he had, in his youth, been one of the best boxers andcudgel-players in the county). His wife, seeing him clench his fist,interposed, and begged him not to fight, but show himself a trueChristian, and take the law of him. As nothing could provoke Adams tostrike, but an absolute assault on himself or his friend, he smiled atthe angry look and gestures of Trulliber; and, telling him he was sorryto see such men in orders, departed without further ceremony.