Just Breathe



  Just Breathe

  Heather Allen

  Published by Heather Allen

  Copyright 2013 Heather Allen

  Cover Art by B Design

  All rights reserved. This book contains material protected under International and Federal copyright laws and treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without express written permission from the author/publisher.

  ***

  Dedicated to my little, Carly Allen.

  May your imagination always take you to the sea, where the mermaids are!

  ***

  Contents

  1

  Heartbreak1

  2

  Friday15

  3

  The Unknown22

  4

  The Boy with the Golden Hands27

  5

  The Lake39

  6

  The Game45

  7

  Confusion51

  8

  Dreams61

  9

  Parents69

  10

  The Beach79

  11

  Time93

  12

  Monsters108

  13

  Gam-aw115

  14

  Yellow Eyes126

  15

  Eighteen132

  16

  The Choice137

  17

  Good-byes147

  18

  My History159

  19

  Life in the Sea168

  20

  The City178

  21

  Jack184

  22

  The Aunt203

  23

  Home213

  24

  Freedom223

  25

  Jaspen229

  26

  Distractions240

  27

  Swim Meet252

  28

  James258

  29

  Seamus264

  30

  Downward Spiral273

  31

  Gabbi286

  32

  Choosing Sides293

  Acknowledgements304

  About the Author305

  “I have seen them riding seaward on the waves

  combing the white hair of the waves blown back

  when the wind blows the water white and black.

  We have lingered in the chambers of the sea

  by sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown

  till human voices wake us, and we drown.”

  ― T.S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

  1

  Heartbreak

  How did this happen? This question keeps a mantra through my mind. Any other clear thought evades me. The concrete curb I am sitting on is so uncomfortable and I think my foot is falling asleep. I can’t seem to get up or even look up at him. It’s as if the air has slowly leaked out of me like a bicycle tire with a nail in it, I can barely move.

  “Ever, did you hear me?” Michael asks loudly.

  I slowly lift my eyes and meet his. He has a questioning look on his tanned face. Great, here come the waterworks. His hands are poised out in front of him with his palms faced up, waiting for me to answer. I just want to float away and pretend this moment never happened.

  A tear trails down my cheek and his expression softens. He walks over and sits next to me on the curb. He grabs my hand, “Come on Ever, I know this is tough but we are still so young.”

  His hand is soft against mine. I turn to look into those golden brown eyes I know so well. The tears flow freely now.

  He wraps his arm around me and tells me, “I know it’s hard but, I just think this is the right thing to do. We’ve been together for so long and...”

  I nod, numb from the shock and glance back down at the street in front of me. I focus on the small bits of rough gravel under my Converse. All those tiny bits and pieces that fit together to form something so tangible. Something so simple yet so complicated if you consider all that is involved in the formation of it. Yet it crumbles so quickly.

  He places his hand softly under my chin to turn my face toward him, “Ever, I am so sorry.” My eyes search his face for what, I don’t know.

  He lets his hand drop. Now I can’t seem to move my gaze. The word that has always come to mind when I think of Michael is, nice. He is considerate and has always been such a good person to everyone. I have always admired him for that kindness. Why at this moment can't I be furious and angry at him? He's too likable and I hate him for it.

  He averts his eyes and continues, “I was thinking maybe we can take the year off and see where that leads us.”

  I can feel his arm around me but it’s as if I’m looking down on the entire scene from above. The words won’t form for me to respond. I can feel it building but I can’t do anything about it. I’m losing my grip but I welcome it, my body tenses and then darkness.

  ***

  I hear his voice from far away at first and then really close to my face, “Ever, Ever, wake up. Come on Ever.”

  I feel his arm around my shoulders and his hand patting my cheek gently. Slowly I open my eyes and he comes into focus. He looks so worried. I realize then that we are in the midst of breaking up, I must have fainted. I quickly push myself up to a sitting position, embarrassed. What is wrong with me? I can’t even deal with my emotions.

  He lets go of me realizing my reaction, “I was about to go and get your mom.”

  I shake my head absently, “I’m glad you didn’t.”

  He asks, “Are you going to be alright?”

  I gaze longingly at him.

  He realizes the loaded answer to that question and gets up uncomfortably running his hand through his short blond hair. He glances down at me and states, “Well I have to go. I guess, I guess I’ll see you in school.”

  He stands there waiting, but I can’t find my voice. As he walks down the street to his car, I gather the energy to watch him leave. His hands are shoved in his pockets and his shoulders are hunched.

  As he drives away I realize, I didn’t ask him why. I didn’t tell him how important he is to me. I didn’t even protest or tell him no, this isn’t what I want.

  Suddenly my whole body is wracked with sobs. I can barely breathe and my face is burning up, my hands are clammy and my heart is broken. I notice the sun setting but I can’t bring myself to get up and go into the house.

  ***

  Time must have passed because the next thing I know my mom comes out of the house looking for me.

  She walks out glancing down at me and asks, “Ever, are you alright?”

  When I don’t answer she realizes I am not. She sits down next to me and puts her arm around my back. I rest my head on her shoulder.

  She questions, “Was that Michael I saw drive away a little while ago?”

  I nod against her shoulder.

  She asks, “Not such good news then?”

  My hands cover my eyes and I start sobbing again.

  She soothes, “Oh honey, I am so sorry.” She lifts my auburn hair out of my eye.

  “You are so beautiful. He doesn’t know what he just lost.”

  We sit like this until the only light around us is that of the moon.

  My mom gets up and coaxes me to stand up too, “Come on sweetie let’s go get some hot tea and ice cream.”

  My mom’s belief, ever since I was little, is that ice cream can cure anything. I can barely move, literally, because my legs are cramped from sitting there for so long.

  As we walk back to the house, I choke out, “Thank you mom, I love you.”

  She chu
ckles, “That’s my job, Ever, and I love you too."

  She takes a deep breathe, "Honey, you will hear this many times, but this will be the hardest heartbreak, your first love always is.”

  ***

  The next weeks are a blur...

  Michael Brooks officially broke up with me after three years of dating exclusively. I was absolutely devastated once the realization of my new reality set in.

  So far I‘ve gone through many steps of the grieving process or so my mom and Gam-aw have advised.

  At first I was in denial. The whole scene out on the curb seemed like a distant bad dream. I reasoned so many excuses for him. Maybe he had a sudden lapse of sanity. Maybe he had second thoughts. He must have been mistaken and didn’t really mean it. I waited by the phone every day for a week, thinking he’d call and apologize. What a complete waste of time.

  Denial gave way to anger. I snapped at anyone who tried to reason with me. My family went days without speaking to me. They completely steered clear of any room I inhabited. I was very hard to live with for a while, to say the least.

  Later I started believing everyone when they said I was too good for him and I should take a dive, because there are other fish in the sea. Of course, my response was that it’s easier said than done.

  After some encouragement from my mom, I accepted a date with a boy from my literature class, Tad Moore. I’m just embarrassed to even look at him now. It didn’t go well. He took me to a movie, a love story of all the choices and I cried throughout the entire movie. I was completely inconsolable, so he just left me at the end of the drive, without a backward glance.

  This leaves me now with downright sadness.

  I put up a good show for everyone; they think I’m in the ‘got over him’ phase. But truthfully, my heart is still broken and I can’t believe it happened.

  For three years we were the couple everyone wanted to be or envied. We started dating in ninth grade when it was ‘cute’. Then we weren’t cute anymore, we were serious.

  This year, our senior year, we were going to be the leaders of the school. The plan for college next year was to apply to the same colleges and go together.

  Now it’s all gone and I feel completely lost. It feels like I’m drowning and I can’t catch my breath. That pretty much describes my days lately. I go through the motions but can’t seem to react or feel because of ‘him’.

  I have the hardest time when I see him at school.

  I put up a good show, as if it doesn’t bother me especially around Michael. He doesn’t seem bothered at all but I guess that is to be expected since he is the one who did the heartbreaking.

  My best friend Gabbi is the only one who knows how I truly feel, miserable.

  ***

  As I step out of the shower today, I realize as I look in the mirror at my average reflection, maybe just maybe I can get through this whole thing. My light green eyes look a little more alive today. Glancing at the speckling of freckles across my nose, reminds me that Michael used to tell me they make me look like the girl next door. Crap, not a good thought to encourage moving on.

  I turn to get ready for the morning. My wardrobe is pretty colorless these days, a pair of jeans and a navy t-shirt are sufficient. I opt for a braid with my lack of enthusiasm to make any attempts at my appearance.

  “Ever! James!” My mom calls up the stairs.

  I yell back down, “Coming.”

  As I approach the steps, a quick glance into my brother’s room reveals he is still wrapped up in his sheet like a mummy, typical.

  “Hey, James, it’s seven.”

  Moaning, “Ooooohhh, go away.”

  Whatever. Not my job to keep track of him.

  My mom and dad look up as I enter the kitchen.

  “Hi, you look nice today,” my mother’s daily attempt at lifting my mood.

  A smile plays on my lips, “Thanks, feeling alright today,” my daily attempt at avoiding conversation.

  I grab a glass of juice and a banana, “Have a great day.”

  My dad glances up from the newspaper, “You too learn a lot today.”

  My jeep revs to life. Placing my hands on the steering wheel I tell myself, “You can do this. Everyday has been a little easier than the last. Today will be better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today.”

  ***

  When I arrive at school Gabbi is frantic with new gossip. This is really not a new occurrence; she has to always know who is doing what with whom. You could say Gabbi is the eyes and ears of our lovely high school here in Pahrump, Nevada. She is the one to go to if you need any dirt on anyone. Hence the appropriateness of her name, she loves to talk.

  I guess the benefit of being her best friend is that I am always in the know about everyone. But really I could care less unless it involves Michael.

  Today it did and it was not news I was happy to hear.

  ***

  I am walking to my first class about to turn the corner and Gabbi just about plows me over at the corner. She is out of breath. She snatches my hand and pulls me toward the center of the court yard.

  I pull in the other direction and tell her, “Gabbi, we’re going to be late for our first class. Remember, that is the one class that I cannot be late for because Michael is in it.”

  She continues pulling on my hand while shaking her head, “Ever, you are going to thank me after you hear this.”

  Our school is situated in the shape of a huge square. The court yard is the only part of the school that is actually outside. We settle on a bench towards the outer edge.

  She catches her breath and starts, “Oh my God Ever, according to Melissa who lives two houses down, Michael asked her friend Brittany out on a date.”

  My heart skips a beat at this news. It's not something I was expecting.

  I slowly ask, “Are you sure?”

  She looks down sadly, “Yes, aren’t you glad I didn’t let you go to class?”

  I shake my head confused, “But when he broke up, he made it sound more like it was…”

  Gabbi finishes, “More like he needs freedom? Maybe because of college next year? He just doesn’t want any attachments? I don’t know Ever, it always seems to go this way.”

  I look up at her offended and tell her sarcastically, “Okay Gabbi because you are the all- knowing relationship expert.”

  She chuckles, “Okay, maybe I have yet to experience my first big love but I have learned a lot from everyone else’s broken relationships.”

  I glance down defeated, “Thanks.”

  She grabs my arm and shakes her head, “I didn’t mean it I’m sorry.”

  I cut her off uncomfortably, “It’s okay. I know what you meant. I just can’t believe he is moving on already.”

  I look up at her suddenly sick to my stomach, “I think I’m going to skip my first class. I’ll see you in third period.”

  She asks, “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay with you?”

  I shake my head, “No, I’ll be alright I just need to be alone right now.”

  She hugs me and hops up rushing to class while calling behind her, “Hang in there, I still love you.”

  My smile doesn’t quite reach my eyes but she knows I am sincere.

  ***

  Here I am debating the cruel implications of my life while I wait out my first class. I relocated to the park across the street from the school. It’s a small little park or really more like a patch of grass. It mostly consists of a couple of wooden benches, two lantern style street lamps and a huge sycamore tree, very sparse for a park in my opinion.

  Gabbi and I have used this as our meeting place for the past three years. It's kind of like our spot where we can go to vent or gossip. As far as I can tell not many other people use it which works well for us.

  Today the clouds are many, a true grey day, perfect to go with my sudden depressive mood. It was going to be the day things turned around, I was so sure of it. Everything just turned in the opposite d
irection than I was hoping for. A tear falls.

  Oh great that’s all I need are puffy eyes. Haven’t I done enough crying during the past couple of weeks? You would think my tear ducts would be empty by now.

  My intention is to make it to the rest of my classes but I don’t know what I will do if I have to face Michael today. Especially now that I know he really has moved on.

  My mom and Gam-aw have both told me on more than one occasion over the past two weeks that your first love is the hardest to get over. Well at this point I have no intention of having any more loves, ever.

  It feels like there’s a pit in my stomach and every time I think of him bats fly around making me feel dread.

  Not a very good feeling and here we are going on two weeks and he has already moved on. I can feel a sob coming on.

  I would be happy if I could just push the delete button for the past two weeks and forget any of this ever happened.

  I met Michael during our freshman year. I had just entered my first class, on the first day of high school. I knew many of the students but it was still so new. I took the only open seat next to Michael and we hit it off right away. He was even more scared than I was. He had just moved over the summer from Florida and knew not a single person. From the start it seemed as though we fit perfectly. He glanced over with his golden brown eyes and sunbaked blond hair. He asked my name and looked terrified. I was taken with him from the beginning. That was I guess, the start of the end.

  My walk to second period statistics is uneventful and thankfully, I don’t run into you know who. As I sit at my desk I start to think about this girl Brittany. Couldn’t her parents think of anything else to name her? I mean come on every other girl has that name these days. I don’t know who she is and I pretty much know everyone in my graduating class. It is after all a pretty small class of about two hundred. I guess there is a possibility she is the same age as me but I have a feeling she is younger, which makes me even angrier. Why couldn’t he stick with someone his own age?