A Necessary Sin

  Oh God. It’s Sin—he’s the one who’s going to kill me.

  I can’t think of a worse way to die: to be killed by the man I love.

  “His name was Malcolm. Abram sent him. He wasn’t there to kill you—only to coerce you into admitting who you’re working for.” I don’t have to ask why.

  “You should’ve told me I killed a Fellowship member.” He may have signed my death sentence by keeping this to himself.

  “And what would you have done if you’d known?” he asks.

  “I’d have gotten out of here while I could.”

  “I took care of it. No one knows it was you except my parents. But there’s a reason I’m telling you this now. Abram sent Malcolm because he believes you’re an informant. He still isn’t convinced you’re not, so there’s reason to be concerned for your safety.”

  I’m a sitting duck. “Is this your way of telling me I should leave?”

  “No. This is me telling you to stay and allow me to protect you.” He squeezes my hand. “Do you trust me to keep you safe?”

  “I do. But I’m scared for both of us.” I don’t know what this means for him. “You’ll be going up against the brotherhood for me. That’s not something they’ll take lightly.”

  “This will be me showing them what their next leader is made of. It’s a good move for me and a good lesson for them.”

  His words hurt. His actions have nothing to do with his determination to be with me. They’re about proving he won’t bend to them or their rules. This is about changing the game to suit him.

  I’ve been needing a good kick to bring me back to reality. Well, here it is, right square in the middle of my ass. Time to finish this mission and get the hell out.

  “Of course it’s a good move, but maybe you shouldn’t rock the boat since I won’t be around forever.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I’m just saying I won’t always be here, and this is something your brothers won’t easily forget. They may feel as though you betrayed them for a woman, so maybe you should choose your battles wisely.”

  “You’re worth the fight.”

  Now I’m confused. I don’t understand his motive. “Is this about you choosing to be with me or showing them you can be if you so choose?”

  “Both.” He cradles the side of my face and caresses his thumb down my cheek. “You silly lass. You don’t see it, do you?”

  “See what?”

  “The extremes I will go to have you.” There it is. The validation I so desperately need to hear. My God! It’s ridiculous how much I love this man but the tragedy is that he’ll never know.

  The one person I hate most in this world brought me to the one I love most. Who could have possibly imagined that?

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Sinclair Breckenridge

  It’s been a week since Bleu and I discussed her place in my life. I can’t tell her I love her so I show her the only way I know how. I possess her—often. I’ve made her mine in every way possible, short of saying those three little words. But she seems content. For now.

  She’s in the kitchen making chocolate chip cookies. It’s what she does when she’s upset or worried. It somehow brings her comfort.

  I sneak up behind her to place a kiss on her neck so I can swipe a piece of dough from the cookie sheet. She slaps at my hand but misses because I’m too fast. “Oh, you are a very naughty boy.”

  I pop the dough into my mouth. It’s from scratch, not the store-bought kind, so it’s extra buttery. “Does that mean I need a belting?”

  “Maybe.” I wrap my arms around Bleu’s waist from behind and she leans into me as I swipe a second piece. “Make that definitely.”

  “Sweet Bonny,” I say against her ear before kissing the side of her neck. “I have to go to my meeting.”

  She twists in my arms to face me. “Are you very worried? Because I am—enough for both of us.”

  I won’t lie about this. It’s too important. “I have some very serious concerns about what the outcome will be.”

  She looks as though she might cry. “You don’t have to do this.”

  “Aye, I do.” My mum is right. I must put Abram in his place now. “It’s necessary for more than one reason.”

  I pull her close and she squeezes me hard. “I’m scared for you.”

  I’m not incredibly confident myself. “I could be gone for a while depending on how this goes.” I kiss the top of her head. “Don’t fret if I’m not back by morning.”

  She pulls away to look at me. “Are you serious? You could be gone all night?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.” I shrug. “Sterling is coming for you in an hour. He’s going to drive you to my parents’ house. It may not be safe for you to be alone tonight so you’re staying with my mum.” Not a single Fellowship member would dare to seek her out at my parents’, even if Abram ordered it. They all fear my father’s wrath. My place is obviously a different story since he’s already sent one brother in.

  “Is that really necessary?”

  I don’t like to think so, but I’m not sure where Abram’s head is right now. “I don’t want to find out too late that I should have sent you away.” I’ve told Bleu I would protect her and I plan to keep my word. When I can’t actively do that, I will always make provisions for her safety. “You should probably take a bag since you could be staying the night.”

  “Why do I get the feeling this is far more serious than you’ve made out?” Because it is. She’s come to know me well enough to predict the story within the book before opening it.

  I press my forehead to hers and rub our noses in an Eskimo kiss. “No worries, my Bonny Bleu. Everything will be fine and well this time tomorrow night.”

  “Sin. I …”

  I know what’s coming, the words she’s toying with in her mouth. I can see affection pooling in her eyes, threatening to spill down her face, so I put my fingertip to her lips and shake my head. “Shh … don’t. Save it for a better occasion, a happier time.”

  She snickers and a tear drops onto her cheek. “I can do that.”

  “I must go.”

  She holds my face and kisses me hard. “Come back to me when you can.”

  “No fear. I’ll return the moment it’s possible.”

  * * *

  My father has taken his place at the table’s head in the conference room while Mitch and I sit opposite Abram and Jamie. If one didn’t know the chain of command, he could easily guess it by our seating arrangement.

  Abram will lose his footing at the top once I finish my traineeship. He has acted as second-in-command to my father for years. It’s what he and my father agreed he would do until I was of age. That occurred a while ago, but I was needed elsewhere. I volunteered to become sole solicitor since my father still had years of leadership left in him. It made sense at the time but now I’m not sure about my decision. Abram enjoys exerting control and power far more than he should.

  “As you’re all aware, we’re here to discuss my relationship with Bleu.”

  “You’re fucking her,” Abram groans. “That doesn’t constitute a relationship.”

  This is going to start off on the wrong foot.

  Abram—and everyone else as well—is completely in the dark when it comes to Bleu and me. “You know nothing about our relations so you don’t get to have an opinion about its authenticity.”

  He slams his hand on the table. “There shouldn’t be an interrelation at all. The Fellowship prohibits any pairing with someone outside the circle of the brotherhood. You know this, yet you’ve chosen to continue seeing her. What do you think they’re going to say when they figure it out?”

  “The brothers know,” Jamie says. He looks at me. “Leith called me while I was on my way here. He says it was the only thing being discussed at Duncan’s tonight.”

  How very convenient—the brotherhood finds out right before we hold a meeting to discuss a solution. I’m certain I have Abram to thank for that shitstorm.r />
  “Do tell, son. What do our men think about their future leader consorting with an outsider?” Abram looks so satisfied with himself.

  “They’re not pleased.”

  “As one would expect,” Abram says.

  Jamie looks at me instead of his father. “Bleu is seen as a loose end. There’s talk of eliminating her.”

  “She can be trusted. She’s more like us than you could possibly imagine. If you knew her, you’d see this.” She never stops amazing me. It’s as though she was born to be a part of us.

  “But we don’t know her and there’s a reason for that. She isn’t one of us.”

  “I asked the council to meet so we might come together for a solution.” I say.

  “You’re breaking one of the most vital rules we have. You want us to pat you on the head and say it’s okay because you’re Thane’s son. We’re expected to roll over and accept this American because you do, but let me ask you this: what’s going to happen when one of the brothers wants us to bend a rule for him and we tell him no?”

  I’m not sure how to respond to that. As much as I hate to admit it, Abram’s right. We can’t have the brothers believing they can break the rules.

  “Son, being leader of The Fellowship is a double-edged sword.” Finally someone besides Abram speaks up. “As a leader, you are entitled to choices the brothers aren’t—yet you’re accountable to them. A good leader must lead by good example,” my father says.

  I can’t believe he’s talking to me as though he didn’t once experience the same issue. “You mean, the way you were a fine example when you were having an affair with the American blackjack dealer?” I need him to remember what it was like to love a woman who isn’t a part of our circle.

  “Amanda wasn’t living with me in the middle of the brotherhood. She was in the US where she had no contact with any of them. I kept her secret, as you should have with Bleu. Too late for that now.”

  Mitch holds his open palms in the air. “Who are we talking about?”

  “Dad’s American lover,” I answer.

  “What? Does Mum know?”

  “It was years ago, Mitch.” Dad sighs. “Let us get back to the reason we’re here. I think we can all see that Sinclair is choosing to continue his relationship with Miss MacAllister. The floor is open for suggestions.”

  “Sinclair’s traineeship will be over very soon. I think it’s critical for the vitality of the brotherhood that he end this affair with the American now so he can marry from within The Fellowship. It’s time for him to choose a wife.”

  Mum says Abram wants me to marry Westlyn. Let’s see if my mother knows what she’s talking about. “Do you have a suggestion on the woman I should choose?”

  “I do. I believe Westlyn would make you a fine wife.”

  “Dad!” Jamie says, clearly outraged. “You can’t be serious. They’re cousins.”

  “Not by blood. His union with your sister would strengthen The Fellowship far more than the daughter of another brother.”

  He should know now there’s no hope in this plan. “I can never marry Westlyn.”

  “Because of the American!”

  “My decision has nothing to do with Bleu.”

  “If you spent time with her, I think you’d change your mind,” Abram says.

  I’ve spent my entire life around her. “I can never see Westlyn as anything but my younger cousin. I can’t do it.” I knew they’d begin pressuring me about a wife, but I thought I’d at least make it out of my traineeship first. “I’ll choose a wife when the time comes but until then, I’m not giving up Bleu.”

  “Then I have a suggestion for how to make this work,” Abram says. “Bleu must become one of us.”

  He isn’t suggesting I marry her. That wouldn’t suit his plan. “By what means?”

  “Initiation.”

  “Women aren’t initiates,” Mitch argues. “It isn’t done.”

  “It’s never been done. There’s a difference,” Abram says. “We’re living in a world of equal rights. Who says a woman can’t be an initiate?”

  I should have expected something like this from him.

  He means for her to be beaten—to be put through endurance in the name of the brotherhood. He thinks she’d fail but I know better. No woman in this world is stronger than my Bonny Bleu. But I won’t allow her to be hurt because it’s what Abram wants. “No! No member of this brotherhood will ever strike her.”

  “Miss MacAllister will never be accepted as long as she remains an outsider. Initiation is the only way to make her one of us.”

  I could force them to accept Bleu by making her my wife, but marriage isn’t something either of us wants. It’s a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

  Again, Abram is right. Initiation is the only way the brotherhood will accept her as one of our own. But there’s no way I’ll permit her to be put through the endurance. “Okay. She will become one of us through initiation with me standing in as her substitutionary atonement.”

  “No. It has to be her.”

  “Our men often stand in their wives’ place for atonement,” I argue. I have him on this one.

  “He has a point, Abram,” my father agrees. “It is an acceptable practice for a brother to take the place of his woman if he so chooses. This is no different.”

  I don’t give him time to argue. “Then it’s decided. Bleu will participate in a formal initiation ceremony and I’ll stand in as her substitute for the endurance portion. When it’s done, she’ll be one of us and her loyalty will never be questioned again.”

  “Sin, are you sure you want to do that?” Jamie asks. “You know how many don’t make it through to the end.”

  I’ve never been surer of anything in my life. “I might not be able to take it for me, but I can take it for her.”

  “This is so fucking stupid.” Mitch slams his hand on the table. “Dad! Tell him he can’t do this.”

  “I agree it’s the only solution that will be accepted by the brothers. It sets a high standard for what is expected. They will respect him for such a sacrifice and it’ll prove his genuine belief that Bleu will be a trustworthy member.” I think I see pride in my father’s eyes. “This is the decision of a true leader.”

  Abram is clearly pissed off. He’s losing this battle—as well as his footing at the top—and we both know it. “Someone call Ferguson and tell him to meet us at the black site. We have a new initiate for him.”

  * * *

  Alec Ferguson secures two metal chains around my wrists. “I don’t want to do this to ye, boss.”

  I’m sure he doesn’t. No one in their right mind would want to beat their future leader within an inch of his life.

  The thing about your brothers is that you’ve known them your entire life, unless they’re initiates. It makes it a little more difficult to inflict pain on someone you once played tag with. “It’s fine, Alec. No worries. I’ll not hold it against you.”

  The chain tightens when he uses a pulley to lift my arms over my head. “I shouldn’t be doing this. It doesn’t feel right.”

  “How is Shona? I’ve not seen her in a while.”

  “She’s large,” he says. “Our third is due in three weeks but I don’t think she’ll last till the end of the week. They tell us we’re getting a girl this time. Shona’s really excited about buying little pink dresses.”

  “Then congratulations are in order.”

  Alec married Shona several years ago but I can’t recall the circumstances of their union. “Was your marriage arranged or did you pick your wife?”

  “We chose one another. Her father didn’t care for me much, though. He thought she could marry better—someone more like Jamie or Leith.”

  “Do you love her?” I ask.

  “Verra much.”

  He pulls the chain until I’m on the tips of my toes—and prosthesis. I’m not sure how this is going work out. “What wouldn’t you do to have Shona in your life?”

  “There’s nothi
n’ I wouldn’t do for her or oor babies.”

  He locks the chain in place so I’m dangling like a side of beef in a meat house. “Then you must understand why I’d voluntarily do this. I chose to take my lass’s place, to endure the pain intended for her, so she doesn’t have to suffer for a life she’s yet to fully understand.”

  “I get it now, boss.”

  “I hope the brothers do as well.”

  “They’ve been a bit outraged by ye sneaking around with the American. They feel betrayed but what ye’re doing now is going to change everything about the way they feel. No one in a leadership role has ever done something like this. Ye’re choosing to lower yourself from a place of high regard to obtain their permission instead of forcing it on them. This is ye asking your people to approve of a lass ye trust. This will sit well with the brothers.”

  “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

  “Whether ye realized it at the time, this is a verra good decision for ye.” He grins. “And it doesn’t hurt that ye’ll get your lass. She’s a bonny one, that Miss Bleu.”

  “Yes, she’s very bonny, indeed.” I can tell he’s preparing for the first blow. “No special treatment. This is being recorded as proof for the brotherhood. I don’t want anyone to claim I had it easy. My only request is that you not hit my left leg below the knee. It still requires therapy.”

  “Of course. I trust ye’re familiar with the process?” Alec asks.

  “I am.” It’s been years since I’ve attended an endurance, but I remember how brutal they are. “Let’s begin. I’m ready to get this over with.”

  The first blow is to my lower back, right over my left kidney. “Uhh … ” It hurts so badly, I almost piss myself.

  “Sorry, boss.”

  “No apologies every time you strike me or this could take all night. Keep going so we can get it over with quicker.”

  “As you say, sir.”

  The next blow is over my other kidney. I think it hurt worse than the first blow. “I should probably expect to piss blood for a while, wouldn’t you think?”

  “Probably.”