Mr. Midshipman Easy

  Produced by Nick Hodson of London, England

  Mr Midshipman Easy, by Captain Marryat.

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  [See also etext #6629, a different print edition of this bookproduced by John Edward Heaton]

  Captain Frederick Marryat was born July 10 1792, and died August 8 1848.He retired from the British navy in 1828 in order to devote himself towriting. In the following 20 years he wrote 26 books, many of which areamong the very best of English literature, and some of which are stillin print.

  Marryat had an extraordinary gift for the invention of episodes in hisstories. He says somewhere that when he sat down for the day's work, henever knew what he was going to write. He certainly was a literarygenius.

  "Mr Midshipman Easy" was published in 1846, the ninth book to flow fromMarryat's pen.

  This e-text was transcribed in 1998 by Nick Hodson, and was reformattedin 2003, and again in 2005.

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  MR. MIDSHIPMAN EASY, BY CAPTAIN FREDERICK MARRYAT.

  CHAPTER ONE.

  WHICH THE READER WILL FIND VERY EASY TO READ.

  Mr Nicodemus Easy was a gentleman who lived down in Hampshire; he was amarried man, and in very easy circumstances. Most couples find it veryeasy to have a family, but not always quite so easy to maintain them.Mr Easy was not at all uneasy on the latter score, as he had nochildren; but he was anxious to have them, as most people covet whatthey cannot obtain. After ten years, Mr Easy gave it up as a bad job.Philosophy is said to console a man under disappointment, althoughShakespeare asserts that it is no remedy for toothache; so Mr Easyturned philosopher, the very best profession a man can take up, when heis fit for nothing else; he must be a very incapable person indeed whocannot talk nonsense. For some time, Mr Easy could not decide uponwhat description his nonsense should consist of; at last he fixed uponthe rights of man, equality, and all that; how every person was born toinherit his share of the earth, a right at present only admitted to acertain length that is about six feet, for we all inherit our graves,and are allowed to take possession without dispute. But no one wouldlisten to Mr Easy's philosophy. The women would not acknowledge therights of men, whom they declared always to be in the wrong; and, as thegentlemen who visited Mr Easy were all men of property, they could notperceive the advantages of sharing with those who had none. However,they allowed him to discuss the question, while they discussed his portwine. The wine was good, if the arguments were not, and we must takethings as we find them in this world.

  While Mr Easy talked philosophy, Mrs Easy played patience, and theywere a happy couple, riding side by side on their hobbies, and neverinterfering with each other. Mr Easy knew his wife could notunderstand him, and therefore did not expect her to listen veryattentively; and Mrs Easy did not care how much her husband talked,provided she was not put out in her game. Mutual forbearance willalways ensure domestic felicity.

  There was another cause for their agreeing so well. Upon any disputedquestion Mr Easy invariably gave it up to Mrs Easy, telling her thatshe should have her own way--and this pleased his wife; but, as Mr Easyalways took care, when it came to the point, to have his way, he waspleased as well. It is true that Mrs Easy had long found out that shedid not have her own way long; but she was of an easy disposition, andas, in nine cases out of ten, it was of very little consequence howthings were done, she was quite satisfied with his submission during theheat of the argument. Mr Easy had admitted that she was right, and iflike all men he would do wrong, why what could a poor woman do? With alady of such a quiet disposition, it is easy to imagine that thedomestic felicity of Mr Easy was not easily disturbed. But, as peoplehave observed before, there is a mutability in human affairs. It was atthe finale of the eleventh year of their marriage that Mrs Easy atfirst complained that she could not enjoy her breakfast. Mrs Easy hadher own suspicions, everybody else considered it past doubt, all exceptMr Easy; he little "thought, good easy man, that his greatness wasripening;" he had decided that to have an heir was no easy task, and itnever came into his calculations that there could be a change in hiswife's figure. You might have added to it, subtracted from it, dividedit, or multiplied it, but as it was a zero, the result would be alwaysthe same. Mrs Easy also was not quite sure--she believed it might bethe case, there was no saying; it might be a mistake, like that of MrsTrunnion's in the novel, and, therefore, she said nothing to her husbandabout the matter. At last Mr Easy opened his eyes, and when, uponinterrogating his wife, he found out the astounding truth, he opened hiseyes still wider, and then he snapped his fingers, and danced, like abear upon hot plates, with delight, thereby proving that differentcauses may produce similar effects in two instances at one and the sametime. The bear dances from pain, Mr Easy from pleasure; and again,when we are indifferent, or do not care for anything, we snap ourfingers at it, and when we are overjoyed and obtain what we most carefor, we also snap our fingers. Two months after Mr Easy snapped hisfingers, Mrs Easy felt no inclination to snap hers, either fromindifference or pleasure. The fact was, that Mrs Easy's time was come,to undergo what Shakespeare pronounces "the pleasing punishment thatwomen bear;" but Mrs Easy, like the rest of her sex, declared, "thatall men were liars," and most particularly poets.

  But while Mrs Easy was suffering, Mr Easy was in ecstasies. Helaughed at pain, as all philosophers do when it is suffered by otherpeople, and not by themselves.

  In due course of time, Mrs Easy presented her husband with a fine boy,whom we present to the public as our hero.