Haunted Like This

Haunted Like This

  By Jason Wallace

  ******

  Published by:

  Haunted Like This

  Copyright © 2015 by Jason Wallace

  It's hard to move on

  When you're broken inside

  You used to hold out hope

  But your hopes have all died

  You couldn't mop up

  All the tears that you've cried

  And the moment they said

  You were everything

  You knew that they lied

 

  So you go to nowhere no one knows

  And push in all the pain

  You tell yourself I don't care or want it to show

  But it's all there is in your brain

  So sacrifice yourself on the altar of regret

  As you walk down the cold, open, long, and broken road

  All you wish for is freezing rain

  And a semblance of sentiment from the one you can't forget

 

  Ten more seconds and you know you'll just snap

  You'll either go insane or have a heart attack

  And the very instant you almost feel a beginning

  To being whole again

  The one you miss calls you to fill you in

  On some things you kind of wish you didn't learn

  But you can't unhear the burden that burns

  You want them back

  But don't know why

  Or if they can do more than lie

  Yet don't want to take a number to take your turn

 

  A spoiled rotten emptiness

  Brought about to leave you for dead

  Forgotten, lonely

  But still not buried yet

 

  Waiting for, praying for

  The sweet release of time

  Watching as

  Every bit of anything passes you by

  Every attempt at life is never hit but miss

  Every sense of anything or sentiment of innocence

  Is gone, leading down to a hole

  Paving over with stone

  The deepness of the abyss

  Cold and covered over, haunted like this

  Bonus Material

  Hopeless

  Living like I'm in constant fear

  I swear I don't know

  Who I am

  A life full of

  So much regret

  It tears apart my soul

  I look in my broken mirror

  I think I see a man

  But the shape looks so cold

 

  Indignant, indecent, recently,

  A shred of dignity

  Is all I ask myself for

  Repentant but not enough penitence

  Ignorant of how to carry on one day more

 

  Careful contemplation of

  My imagination of self-gratification

  The face I'm facing is erasing any

  Of anything I once felt

  Feeling strangulation, exaggerating the inner aching

  Taking myself for granted, losing what is left

 

  Hoping I have a home I can call on

  Because this place where I am

  Is nothingness to me

  Searching for something I can be proud of

  I fall on

  Nothing but

  Misery

 

  Terrified

  Of a life

  That I no longer want to live

  I don't feel alive

  So dead inside

  Is there more out there to gain, to give

 

  Alone again, unknown to the end

  By anyone that could

  Help me out of my hole and be whole again

 

  Surrounded by shame

  Turned around by so much blame

  It seems that's all there is anymore

  All I have left is my name

  And more pain

  Than any one person should

  Carry with them yet still feel the same

  As they always did before

 

  Disheartened, hardened heartache

  Dissipated, disillusioned, partly fake

  Taking one day at a time

  Enlightened yet so frightened

  By knowing nothing but

  Insanity plus

  Memories that get mixed and misinterpreted

  And make me lose my mind

 

  If in the end, I find

  Some bit of truth, of a sign

  Of where I might go next

  It could be worth

  All the good, bad, and worse

  And the worst yet to come

  To figure out what hope I have left

 

  But until that day

  Come what may

  I couldn't feel like less than I do right now

  I might not have to end it all

  To fix the fall

  And might find some strength to fight some way, somehow

  But all I know is low

  All this time runs slow

  It's more emptiness than one should be allowed

  I wish for nothing more than some way out

  In the Dead of Night

  I wear this mask

  To hide and deaden the pain

  When all I want to do

  Is call you

  And scream out your name

  You almost act like you want me back

  But no matter this or that,

  It's just not the same

  I know. I know. I know.

  You just had to go

  I'm not glad you went

  But with all those crazy nights

  I'm so glad you came

  When you wake up

  In the dead of night

  Feeling so empty

  And full of fright

  Remember who still loved you

  And if you had

  He just might

  I hope I still haunt your dreams

  The way

  You still do me

  And if it all went

  According to some higher plan

  The dreams would come to life

  And you'd understand

  When you wake up

  In the dead of night

  Feeling so empty

  And so full of fright

  Remember who still loved you

  And if you had again

  He just might

  And you'd understand

  That he never meant

  To make you feel he was letting go

  He just needed time

  And you didn't know

  That all he could ever think about

  Was how he cared for you

  But couldn't let it out

  And how he hoped

  For something more

  Kept holding on and

  Fighting for

  His brain to never win

  Over his heart

  To realize

  That it was all just mistakes

  And it should have never fallen apart

  When you wake up

  In the dead of night

  Feeling so empty

  And full of fright

  Remember who still loved you

  And if you had

  He just might

  When you wake up

  Without me

  Remember that

  You set me free

  Even though

  I did it first

  We kept coming back

  To try to make it work

  But we both closed ourselves off

  From time to time


  So when the other wanted it back

  It was almost too late to try

  So if I'm in

  Your dreams tonight

  Think of this

  And hold your pillow tight

  I'm probably lying here

  With you in mine, too

  Which means

  That it's all true

  When you wake up

  In the dead of night

  Feeling so empty

  And full of fright

  Remember who still loved you

  And if you had

  He just might

  When you wake up

  In the dead of night

  Feeling so empty

  And full of fright

  Remember who still loved you

  And if you had

  He just might

  He just might

  Never

  You said it all

  With what you said

  Though every message

  Gets re-read

  It's made me so tired now

  I want to go to bed

  If I could feel alive inside

  I wouldn't be so dead

  Every time I talk to you

  I feel an aching soul and an aching head

 

  I should give it up

  I should just move on

  I shouldn't listen to you

  That's how I do wrong

  You know I want you back

  Though I don't know why

  I'm so sick of games

  Too tired to cry

 

  Every empty invitation

  Every meaningless contemplation

  Every seemingly long conversation

  Is a new end to me

 

  You say I'm gonna come your way

  I have so much I want to say

  It feels like years since I've seen you

  Though it's just been days

  I gain some hope, I go astray

  I lie awake and pray to be saved

  From all this does and all this takes

  Every time we talk, my heart breaks

 

  I shouldn't text

  I shouldn't call

  I shouldn't answer

  You at all

  But I'm afraid

  I'm ashamed

  I've realized mistakes

  And I feel like

  None of the past matters so much

  As how I still feel

  My brain says to let you go

  But my heart is screaming for that rush

  That I still get

  When we touch

  And that that's all that's real

 

  I can forgive you for the other guy

  I can almost let go of what I took for lies

  I think I could still get lost

  In your eyes

  But I know I can't do any of that

  So goodbye

  Because you made it plain

  And you made it clear

  Any ounce of love you had disappeared

  I think maybe you want to keep me around

  So you know someone wants you

  Though he's a puppet; you love it,

  But can't let go to let your guard down

 

  If there really existed some little chance

  I'd give in and forget all circumstance

  I'd once again let you be my everything

  I could still ask you to marry me

  But that's gone

  It's all wrong

  You've moved on

  And you're not wasting away

  Like I am

  You're waiting for

  Any other man

 

  I want no one else

  Yet I can't have you

  Your voice hurts as much as your view

  I stalk your wall

  You stalk mine, too

  Every picture is some kind of memory

  An image painted in misery

  I used to believe maybe

  There was a meant to be

 

  And now all I have is a useless heart

  Empty and broken, torn all apart

  Sometimes I wish I didn't have to

  Mourn what we are

  And look back

  So far back

  To what we were and what

  We should have been

  You were all it took to lure me in

  I really did love you

  The way I said, the way I meant

  But so much inched its way in

  Until we're nothing more

  Than strangers with secret intent

 

  But for forever and a day

  I probably won't let go

  I know never

  Is too long not to be together

  And it's painful more than you know

  Because I'm the one that

  Knew never before

  As in I never meant

  To let you walk out the door

  And I never said never

  When you asked me back

  I just didn't answer

  And wanted time to face some facts

 

  Now never means to not have you

  But to spend each day and night

  Wanting to

  And thinking about how I have to hold on

  Because I can't make myself try

  To do more because it would feel so wrong

  So never as you will

  Is how I feel

  At least one of us does

  So maybe time won't heal

  I never want to really say goodbye

  But you'll never think of me like

  I think of you

  And I know why

  You never let yourself really think

  That I could ever be your anything

  Not since you decided you'd never do

  Anymore to make me want you

  So never say you need me again

  You'll never want my heart, my hand, or me as your friend

  Just know that never

  Means more to me

  It means never be happy, never free

  So I'll never really set you free

  Never... free

  So Goodbye to You

  Don't count on me

  I'm not what you need

  If I was

  Then why are you now free

 

  I want to believe

  All the words that you said

  But when I think about em

  They bring a haze to my head

 

  If you really didn't cheat

  Why'd you give up on me

  You said you did somethin bad

  But I was caught up in gettin you back

  And I just couldn't see

 

  The guilt inside of you

  It must run so deep

  You weren't ready for this

  And me you did not want to keep

  So goodbye to you

  The fact that remains

  Now that these stains have begun to decay

  Is that I wanted you more

  And you wanted less and could no longer stay

 

  So goodbye to you

  Now that we're through

  I would've given you my whole life

  But all you wanted to do

  Was run til you collapsed

  And get so far away so fast

  That you could never wonder and never look back

 

  So when you recollect

  And maybe wish I was walkin back your way

  Remember you let me go

  You said I'd just hurt you again one day

  You could not take a chance

  Or admit what you'd done

  So it was better to place all blame on me

  And turn around and run

 

 
The guilt inside of you

  It must run so deep

  You weren't ready for this

  And me you did not want to keep

  So goodbye to you

  The fact that remains

  Now that these stains have begun to decay

  Is that I wanted you more

  And you wanted less and could no longer stay

  But I still miss your voice

  And the feel of your touch

  But I don't want to wonder

  Or want you so much

 

  So goodbye to you

  Now that we're through

  I would've given you my whole life

  But all you wanted to do

  Was forget how you felt

  And imagine someone else

  Because at least feelin used

  Is somethin to do

  So goodbye to you

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