Please Take Care When You Utter A Curse

Please Take Care When You Utter A Curse

  100 Limericks by Doug Baird

  Copyright 2013 Doug Baird

  An intrepid explorer named Owen

  Unearthed ruins that he thought were Minoan.

  And while camped at his base,

  In that faraway place,

  He discovered antique protozoan.

  A big underworld god [name of Hades]

  Had a difficult time with the ladies.

  So he set out to fix

  The old stigma of Styx,

  And he bought a new S-Class Mercedes.

  Poor MacManus McDingus McFee

  Got some bites late at night from a flea.

  And awoke with surprise

  To find marks on his thighs,

  And some bumps on his rump and his knee.

  A mottled old dog we called Spot

  Was the scourge of a large vacant lot,

  Where he chased girls and boys

  Who threw rocks and made noise,

  And he also chased those who did not.

  An astronaut woke with a fright

  When his ship sprung a leak in the night.

  While his eyes were still bleary

  He repaired it, in theory,

  But he died ‘cause it wasn’t airtight.

  Mary opened the box of confections

  To pick out some judicious selections.

  And found to her chagrin

  There was nothing within,

  But the trays and four cream-filled rejections.

  A young couple named Vera and Steve

  Held a party on last New Year’s Eve.

  When at three they both said

  They were ready for bed,

  It was clear that the guests wouldn’t leave.

  They expected she’d play Desdemona,

  Or be one of those guys from Verona.

  But she soon found her place

  Posing after each race

  On the cars that just won at Daytona.

  A man, hearing his future related,

  Wouldn’t pay for a fortune he hated.

  So the gypsy, instead,

  Stabbed him ‘til he was dead,

  ‘Cause it wasn’t free will, it was fated.

  Every year it’s a new Christmas card,

  With recipients carefully starred.

  Then I check off their name

  If they’ve sent me the same,

  And if not, then I just disregard.

  An old sheep shearer strained hard to pull

  Bags of fleece he had filled overfull.

  Then he stopped and fell dead

  In the old shearing shed,

  As he ended up died in the wool.

  All the people they feature in AARP

  Seem to live comfortably and dress sharp.

  But the poor one in three

  [If dyslexic like me]

  Probably think it’s a big load of carp.

  An obese farmer’s wife from Nantucket

  Killed a chicken and sat down to pluck it.

  Through her head all the time

  Ran a dirty old rhyme,

  And before long she started to cluck it.

  A young woman went shopping to look for

  Some new cookbooks in order to cook more.

  But there’s no help in books,

  When the cook never cooks,

  And just looks for more books in the book store.

  It’s not my fault their lawn is a mess.

  Why this happened, I can’t even guess.

  They should just disregard

  That I drove through their yard,

  I was told to by my GPS.

  A young girl at the shelter was smitten,

  And brought home one more unwanted kitten.

  Six months later the cat

  In its own turn begat,

  But enough rhymes on that have been written.

  For her birthday Aunt Mae got a kit

  Which explained how to crochet and knit.

  But though taking great pains

  With her cables and chains,

  She could never make anything fit.

  A painter well known for Abstraction

  Broke both arms and was put into traction.

  So his patrons were sold

  Empty canvas and told

  It’s a new painting school called Inaction.

  I’ve a pet, and if only I’d known,

  Special food, and those new chores at home.

  All those trips to the vet

  Sure ran up quite a debt,

  Now I’m broke, and I’m never alone.

  An old actor, well known in his day

  Grew quite bald, so he wore a toupee.

  But his thespian arts

  Only landed him parts

  As a butler, chauffer or valet.

  In this tale of how CGI warps,

  A man lived several weeks with a corpse.

  “There’s no casket, instead”

  “I just scanned him” he said,

  “So he won’t decompose, he just morphs.”

  A melodic musician name Hailey

  Wound his sound round our street corners daily.

  And when he passed away,

  On his burial day,

  We played hymns on his tin ukulele.

  An incompetent worker in glass

  Left his blow tube filled up with hot gas.

  And the intended shape

  Of a Borneo ape

  Ended up like an elephant’s ass.

  My mind is metallic and keen.

  My brain is a pin-point machine.

  I feel so awake ‘n’

  I can’t stop the shakin’…

  I may have had too much caffeine.

  The attack on the mime was mysterious,

  But not thought, at the time, deleterious.

  Sure, the act was quite violent,

  But the fact it was silent

  Seemed to prove that the crime was not serious.

  A young scientist often explained

  That his thinking was wholly left-brained.

  And historians cite

  How he cut out the right

  And made do with what little remained.

  Before battle, a Baron named Aldric,

  As he tightened the belt of his baldric,

  Tripped and straddled his sword,

  But this fact he ignored,

  No surprise he was known as “Sir Smalldric.”

  A new dashing Greek hero, Achilles

  Had attracted the eyes of the fillies.

  And so after he died,

  They all dressed up and vied

  To outdo one another with lilies.

  A precipitous young man named Steven

  Had a mishap just as he was leavin’,

  For he always jumped stairs,

  Leaping down them by pairs,

  And the number of steps was uneven.

  The new changes in one constellation

  Caused the star-gazers much consternation.

  When the old Christmas lights,

  That lit last winter’s nights,

  Were all moved to a different location.

  Please take care when you utter a curse,

  ‘Cause things may take a turn for the worse.

  Wish your neighbor was dead,

  He might turn and instead

  Do you in when he shouts the reverse.

  A biologist hungry for fame

  Skewed the data to bolster his claim.

  This deception he saw

  As Darwinian law,

  But the board’s view was not quite the same.

  A g
reat surgeon, quite mad, and on staff,

  Used a chainsaw one day for a laugh.

  And with senseless caprices

  Cut a nurse in two pieces,

  But was sued on the patient’s behalf.

  His Honor, Sir Hector Fitzhugh

  Walked a block to his doc with the flu.

  While it gave him a thrill

  To pretend he was ill,

  He was killed by the shock it was true.

  We could leave carbon footprints as small

  As the fabled guru from Nepal,

  If we never ate meat,

  And we did without heat,

  And we never existed at all.

  There’s not much you can do when you’re little

  And your chin is all covered with spittle.

  You eat mush and make noise,

  And push plush plastic toys,

  If they gave you a knife, you could whittle.

  An avid young student of Haiku

  Told his teacher “I want to be like you.”

  So he worked hard each day,

  But found to his dismay,

  That he needed to work every night too.

  A promoter searched each publication

  For some sickness or new deprivation.

  She could use this ill health

  To increase her own wealth,

  As the head of a tax free foundation.

  A small-animal lover named Mary

  Wouldn’t lock up or cage her canary.

  So she let the bird out

  To go flying about,

  And the cats were all interested, very.

  At the police lab, the bloody old shoes

  Were examined minutely for clues.

  And they found gypsum sand,

  And a rare nylon strand,

  But they never could ascertain whose.

  A traditional scrivener named Bill

  Wrote in quick careful curls with a quill.

  And they say there’s none better

  If you need a forged letter,

  Or for changing the terms of a will.

  A young poet in love with Nicole

  Found her beauty a muse to extol.

  And his rapturous art,

  Celebrating each part,

  Overflowed in an ode to her mole.

  A quite studious girl named Yvonne

  Spent her summer abroad in Milan,

  Where the city’s museums

  Seemed to burst at the seams,

  Until all of the tourists were gone.

  When you see windblown snowflakes expect

  A depression they call lake effect.

  Were the skies ever clear?

  In New York’s Southern Tier,

  Not as far back as I recollect.

  An obstreperous man from Spokane

  Showed grave signs he was going insane.

  But to make things worse yet

  It took place on a jet,

  And besides, he was flying the plane.

  In the heat, Pete got madder and madder

  Lugging roofing and tar up the ladder,

  While the in-laws all clowned,

  Shouting up from the ground,

  He decided to empty his bladder.

  A somnambulant sailor named Josh

  Heard a phantasmagorical slosh,

  But continued to sail

  Without rousing to bail,

  Till his atoll of dreams was awash.

  A coquettish girl known as Suzette

  Was well matched to her quaint sobriquet.

  And was thought to be blonde

  By Anton and Armand,

  Though she actually was a brunette.

  An apprentice machinist named Trevor

  Lost his hand when he pulled the wrong lever.

  Manufacturers claimed

  That no one could be maimed,

  Now they say it occurs hardly ever.

  The new trainer walked into the cage

  And was mauled before getting his wage.

  For it seems that the lion

  Was from ex-trainer Brian,

  And he’s not a good man to upstage.

  On a new book, one well known reviewer

  Wrote “Don’t read it, just toss in the sewer.”

  And he now shares his life

  With the author’s ex-wife,

  Though he never let on that he knew her.

  A colonial teamster named Lagan

  Spent all night drinking beer by the flagon.

  The next morning he swore

  That he’d drink nevermore,

  But he weakened and fell off the wagon.

  A smug vandal, on winning his case, went

  To the scene of a former defacement.

  And he stood there appalled,

  For the words he recalled

  Were now hid by a recent replacement.

  An ascetic old poet of note

  Would not carry a bag or a tote.

  No valise, pouch or pack,

  Suitcase, satchel or sack,

  And the pockets, he cut from his coat.

  A young diner became almost manic

  When she found out the food was organic.

  And it caused her to blurt:

  “But they grow it in dirt!”

  As she ran for the bathroom in panic.

  Some old fossilized bones found in clay

  Were all sorted and cleaned for display.

  And when finally assembled

  They closely resembled

  The chicken I grilled yesterday.

  When a youth, one old warrior Hittite

  Had a brawl, [not at all a legit fight.]

  Where some drunk sunk his teeth

  In a part underneath,

  And it left him unable to sit right.

  On Karaoke night down at King Ferry

  A large group came to drink and sing merry.

  Then one sang “Red Red Wine”

  For the ten-thousandth time,

  And they knew they were wrong to bring Jerry.

  A corpulent banker from Perth,

  Whose height was surpassed by his girth,

  Never cared what he ate,

  Or about his net weight,

  But only about his net worth.

  It was dark in the old sunken pond,

  Trees hid most of the house lights beyond.

  Just enough light to see

  What there floating might be,

  And she screamed, but it did not respond.

  A congenital liar named Ruth

  Uttered falsehoods instead of the truth.

  And would always maintain

  She was born in Duquesne,

  When she actually came from Duluth.

  A handyman [often called Leon]

  Fixed a fault in the dog groomer’s neon.

  And the cause of the short

  [He had laughed to report]

  Was a cat that had used it to pee on.

  I don’t know how to swim or to float,

  So the chances I’d live are remote.

  I may drown in this lake,

  But at least I did take

  Out insurance to cover the boat.

  Lawyers fought through the court’s last delay,

  And they blasted on Sea Bluff today.

  But we thought, by and large,

  It was too great a charge

  When the foreman’s hard hat hit the bay.

  It appeared she was no random victim.

  The arrest was according to dictum.

  He was caught with the knife,

  Standing over his wife,

  So they had a good case when they picked him.

  A long tenured History professor

  Was proud as King Nebuchadnezzar.

  In his arrogance, he

  Wrote a huge history,

  Which was judged, not the greater, but lesser.

  Some smart people think black holes may be

  Quantum doorways t
o life’s mystery.

  But that view’s out of kilter,

  They’re just nature’s lint filter,

  And our space-time has no warranty.

  A serious girl named Michelle

  [An obstinate mademoiselle]

  Rode black and white horses

  In circular courses

  All day, round the big carousel.

  Coming home, a dumb seaman named Jacques

  Couldn’t fit his key into the lock.

  He was tired and sore,

  So he kicked down the door,

  And his wife said “Why didn’t you knock?”

  A man constantly losing his denture,

  Glued it in so that he could be then sure

  That no whimsy of fate

  Would cut short his next date,

  But this led to a strange misadventure.

  When you shower some days you must cope,

  Try to clean with a mean bit of soap,

  It slips out as you lather,

  So you stoop down and gather

  It up one more time, like a dope.

  A florist whose code was elastic

  Sold arrangements in vases of plastic.

  And the people would say

  “Why not use glass or clay?”

  But the mark-up she got was fantastic.

  She awoke after having a vision,

  Someone died in a head on collision.

  But she hadn’t a clue

  As to where, how or who,

  Her gift lacked all that useful precision.

  They’ll soon automate customer service

  [Though few customers actually prefer this.]

  Send an e-mail they’ll say

  [Or punch buttons all day.]

  Human contact has made them quite nervous.

  Six sick people were sunk in their gloom

  As they sat in the doc’s waiting room.

  Three were bored while they read,

  Two just stared, one dropped dead,

  So they used magazines for his tomb.

  A big dog which was known for its bite,

  Was ferocious, but not very bright,

  And it put many dents

  In the scrap metal fence

  Cause its brain never functioned quite right.

  Ice cream covered the side of the truck

  And it dripped the whole trip, just my luck.

  It was held out the window,

  But it blew right back in, so

  It hit grandma, ‘cause she couldn’t duck.

  Now, the great, in those late Middle Ages,