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The Circumstances Leading up to and Surrounding the Grunch’s Apparent Theft of Hanukkah

Devon Decova



  The Circumstances Leading up to and Surrounding the Grunch’s Apparent Theft of Hanukkah

  By Dr. Devon Decova

  Bestselling Author of The Methods Deployed by The Gronch in His Abduction of Kwanza

  Includes a Special Q&A with Dr. Ural Wright

  Every Jew

  Down in What-ville

  Liked Hanukkah intensely.

  But the Grunch,

  Who lived in a small apartment complex just north of What-ville

  Didn’t enjoy it immensely.

  The Grunch hated it! The whole Hanukkah season!

  Now, please don’t ask why. I can’t quite say the reason.

  It could be that his star wasn’t sewn on just right.

  It could be, perhaps, he held no sympathy for the Jews and their plight.

  But I think the most likely reason of all.

  May have been that his sweater was 2 sizes too small.

  But whatever the reason, his sweater or his issues,

  He stood there on the day before, hating the Jews,

  Staring down from his balcony, drink in his hand,

  He pulled out his Grunch-iest frown and scoured the land,

  For he knew every Jew down in What-ville below,

  Was pulling out candles and preparing them to glow.

  “And they’re getting the Torah!” he snarled in his dog’s ear,

  “Next week is Hanukkah, it’s practically here!”

  Then he growled, his Grunch fingers drunkenly drumming,

  “I must stop find way Hanukkah from arriving!”

  For tomorrow he knew...

  ...All the Jew girls and boys,

  Would wake bright and early and rush for their toys,

  The rabbi’d say no and they’d cry. Noise! Noise!

  They said it wasn’t respectful, and the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

  Then the Jews, young and old, would sit down to a feast!

  And they’d feast! And they’d feast!

  And they’d feast! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

  They would start on Jew latkes and rare Jew-sufganiyot,

  Which was something the Grunch could stand—not!

  And THEN!

  They’d do something he liked least of all,

  Every Jew down in What-ville, the tall and the small,

  Would stand close together, their menorah’s alight,

  They’d stand hand in hand their faces all bright,

  They’d chant, and they’d chant!

  And they’d CHANT! CHANT! CHANT! CHANT!

  And the more the Grunch thought of the Jew-Hanukkah-chant,

  “I must put a stop to this madness,” he began to rant.

  “I’ve put up with this thing too long! It just isn’t right!

  I must put an end to this festival of lights!”

  But How?

  Then he got an idea!

  An awful idea!

  The Grunch

  Got a wonderful, anti-Semitic idea!

  “I know just what to do,” he laughed in his throat,

  And he made a quick-patch Nazi hat and a coat,

  And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Grunch maneuver,”

  “With this hat and this coat, I’ll look just like the Fuhrer!”

  “All I need is an army,” The Grunch looked around,

  But since armies are scarce, there was none to be found,

  Did that stop the old Grunch? No, he simply said,

  “If I can’t find an army, I’ll do something else instead!”

  So he called his dog Adolf and put on his collar,

  And left rather suddenly to take a shower.

  Then he came back to the room and loaded up his sedan,

  The changed his mind and threw Adolf in the van.

  Then he said “C’mon”

  And the van started down,

  To the homes where the Jews,

  Lay asleep in their town.

  All the lamps were dark, old confetti filled the street,

  The Jews were all dreaming, of the things they couldn’t eat.

  He passed the first house and slammed the brake,

  “This is stop Numero Uno,” the grumpy Grunch hissed,

  And he strode to the porch, crowbar in his fist.

  Then he bashed in the window, a rather loud crunch,

  But if Al Capone could do it, then so could the Grunch!

  He paused only once, for a second or three,

  Then stuck his head through the window for a look-see,

  He saw the ceremonial menorahs, sitting in a row.

  “Those candles,” he laughed, “Are the first things to go.”

  Then he snuck and he burgled, with a smile of desperation,

  Around the whole room, taking traditional decoration.

  He stole their driedals, candelabras, their stars,

  He took the Torah, the Talmud, tires from their cars!

  And he bagged it all up, then the Grunch, the old drunk,

  Snuck them out to his car, and threw them in his trunk!

  Then he slunk to their fridge, and took their whole meal!

  He took fasputches, their briskets and kugel,

  He cleaned out their freezer, fast as a jingle of keys;

  He even took the last of their Jew puntschkes!

  Then he threw them in the backseat with a tremble,

  “And now!” he cried, “I’ll steal their holy symbol!”

  And the Grunch grabbed the Menorah, and started to run,

  When he heard a loud sound, like the crack of a gun,

  He turned around fast, and saw a large Jew,

  Largish Ben-Jew-who, who was no more than forty-two.

  The Grunch had been caught by this giant Jew man,

  Who’d got out of bed for a slice of cold ham,

  He stared at the Grunch and said, “Stranger, why?”

  “Why are you taking our Menorah, why?”

  But you know, that old Grunch was so smart and so slick,

  He thought up a lie, and he thought of it quick!

  “Why, my sweet middle-aged man,” the strange drunk lied,

  “There’s a candle in this thing that won’t light on one side,”

  “So, I’m taking it home to my wick-fixing business, kind sir,”

  “I’ll fix it up there, and I’ll return it tomorr—er,”

  But the man pressed on and said, “My, what a strange hat,

  With you so strangely dressed, you remind me of a cat.”

  The Grunch was confused. “Stop this blather,”

  “Can’t you go throw up a sash, and look at something else that matters?”

  And his lie and rude tone fooled the man, who was only half awake,

  And he got him a drink and gave him some cake,

  And then big Ben-Jew-who went to bed with his stuff,

  And the Grinch walked right out, straightening his cuff.

  But before he left, he stole one last thing, the old lox

  He went straight to the wall and stole the money box,

  He left nothing but a few small coins and some socks.

  And then he snuck out of the house, as quick as a fox.

  And the one tiny coin, that he left in the house.

  Was a mini little thing, too small for a mouse.

  The he did the same thing to the other Jews houses’,

  Leaving coins much too small for the other Jews’ mouses.

  It was quarter to three.. All th
e Jews still a-sleep,

  When back out of What-ville the Grunch began to creep,

  He left with their briskets, their Torahs, their stars!

  He left with their Menorahs, the tires from their cars!

  3 miles out, down the highway named after Johnny Cash,

  He rode to the dump to do away with the trash,

  “In your face, little Jews!” he laughed, Grunch-ily humming.

  “Whatever will they do with no Hanukkah coming?”

  “They’re just waking up; I can’t wait to see,”

  “The children wake up, their face full of glee,”

  “Then their faces grow angry, and all mad at me!”

  “That’s a sight,” grinned the Grunch, “I simply must see!”

  So he paused, on top of a cliff, and pulled out his telescope,

  And he looked for a minute, and what he saw made him mope,

  The sight wasn’t sad! They all looked cheerful!

  He pulled out his dog Adolf and gave him an earful!

  It just couldn’t be so! How did they learn to cope?

  But it was true, and he looked through his telescope.

  Every Jew down in What-ville was gathering in the square,

  And what’s worse than that, they were glad to be there!

  And the Grunch, with his Grunch-feet shoeless in the snow,

  Stood wond’ring and wond’ring, “Could it really be so?”

  “It came without driedals! It came without the Torah!

  It came without sufganiyot and the Menorah!

  He thought for a while, until he was sure,

  Then got back into his van and drove to a tailor.

  Hanukkah, he’d realized, was about much more than lights,

  It was about family, tradition, religion, and kid’s faces a-bright.

  And what happened then...?

  ...Well, In What-ville they say,

  That the Grunch’s small sweater,

  Grew 3 sizes that day.

  And the minute his chest didn’t feel so tight,

  He helped the Jews redecorate their festive of lights,

  He whizzed with his van, all through the street,

  Returning decorations and things to eat.

  Which just goes to show, sweater size is important to you,

  So don’t hate the Jews, go shopping...

  ...who knew?

  THE END

  Q & A with Dr. Ural Wright

  Interviewer: Good evening, Dr. Wright.

  Dr. Ural Wright: Good evening, Interviewer. By the way, is that your real name?

  I: Um, yes...why?

  UW: Um, never mind...no reason.

  (awkward silence)

  I: So, you’ve known Devon Decova for quite a while, isn’t that correct?

  UW: It is, I’ve known him for about 4 years.

  I: And what were your first impressions of Dr. Decova?

  UW: Well, you see, when I first met him, I thought he was insane. However, in the time I’ve known him, I’ve come to realize I was absolutely correct.

  I: (nervous chuckle) Well, what do you think of the book?

  UW: What book?

  I: Um, the book you’re being featured in right now. The Circumstances Leading up to and Surrounding the Grunch’s Apparent Theft of Hanukkah.

  UW: Never heard of it.

  I: How have you never heard of it? Devon Decova wrote it.

  UW: What, Decova wrote a book? Who would ever let him publish that?

  I: I’m sorry; I was under the impression that Dr. Decova was your best friend.

  UW: Best friend? What are you talking about?

  I: Well, Dr. Wright, what capacity do you know Dr. Decova in?

  UW: He’s my patient. I’m a psychiatrist. He’s been seeing me for 4 years. He’s insane. I thought we’d established that.

  I: Again, I apologize. He told me that he was your best friend.

  UW: Well, of course he did. He’s delusional! He thinks he’s a doctor, for goodness sakes!

  I: What? He’s not a real doctor?

  UW: Of course not! Nobody would give him a medical license! He’s insane! He walks around telling everyone he is, though. He tells people he has a Ph.D. in “winning.” I don’t even know what that means!

  I: I’m sorry. There seems to have been some huge misunderstanding. I’m not even sure why we’re interviewing you. It’s just not working out. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

  UW: Hold on, they told me I was getting paid for this. Am I still getting paid?

  (even more awkward silence)