The Adventures of Splot, the Floating Pink Blob

The Adventures of Splot, the Floating Pink Blob

  By David Cathrine

  Copyright 2011 David Cathrine

  ****

  Table of Contents

  Splot, the Floating Pink Warrior

  Splot, the Floating Pink Sorcerer

  Splot, the Floating Pink Birthday Lover

  Splot, the Floating Pink Captain

  Splot, the Floating Pink Ninja

  About the Author

  ****

  Splot, the Floating Pink Warrior

  A certain wise sage with a grey moustache and a brown walking stick, and who certainly looked like he was showing his age and Splot, the Floating Pink Blob were busy having tea and biscuits when the wise sage suddenly remembered about a letter that his son, Herbert sent him about a week ago.

  ‘Oh, dear,’ the wise sage said as he spluttered his tea all over the vicinity of his herb garden in which he was standing. ‘It appears we have a problem young Splot.’

  ‘What is it, oh, wise sagey one?’ the young, pink blob asked Sage-ittarius while crunching on a biscuit.

  ‘It wood appear as though there is trouble over in “Cannot-Possibly-Build-This-Correctly Castle”,’ Sage-ittarius answered Splot in his odd dialect.

  ‘Oh, no!’ Splot screamed as he spat out some of his biscuit crumbs. ‘Not “Cannot-Possibly-Build-This-Correctly Castle”! What should we do, oh wise one?’

  ‘Well,’ the wise sage said while sipping his cup of herbal tea, ‘unfortunately, our usual heroes Bob Piercem and James Sharpe are currently on another adventure, sow it looks like it’s all up to you, young Splot!’

  ‘What can I do, Sage-ittarius?’ Splot asked the wise sage while staring at his second biscuit. ‘I mean, I’m just a floating, pink blob.’

  ‘Trees don’t talk that way about yourself, young Splot!’ Sage-ittarius encouraged. ‘You have quite a log of potential, indeed. Now, you must go to the castle and defeat the evil mantis who looms there!’

  ‘The evil mantis?’ Splot asked, while quivering.

  ‘Indeed!’ Sage-ittarius responded with a straight face. ‘Now, off you go, young Splot!’

  ‘I’ll do my best, oh wise one!’ Splot said as he left to go to “Cannot-Possibly-Build-This-Correctly Castle”.

  ****

  After several hours of floating over some pretty rough terrain, which had absolutely no effect on our current hero, Splot, he eventually arrived at what seemed like an incorrectly built castle, which, after closer examination, had a sign on the door saying “Welcome to Cannot-Possibly-Build-This-Correctly Castle. Unfortunately, this sign was put up over the door of our incorrectly built castle, so access is pretty much impossible. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you. Yours faithfully, the incorrectly crowned King.”

  ‘Oh no!’ Splot uttered in alarm. ‘I’ve just realized that I don’t currently wield an, um, thingymarobert. Um, that’s right! Sword! What am I going to do?’

  ‘You are doomed!’ a green mantis-like figure answered while standing at the door of the castle.

  ‘Um,’ Splot said as he gazed at the mantis-like figure. ‘Why are you not inside the, um, castle?’

  ‘I will tell you why!’ the green mantis-like figure replied while leaning against the door of the castle. ‘Well, you see, I came here praying that I would rule over the incorrectly crowned King, but, alas, I have failed to even enter the castle walls. You see, this castle is very incorrectly built. I suppose I should have guessed that after hearing what the castle was called. So, as you can probably guess now, I am bored and slightly annoyed. So, how about I lend you this random sword I found on my way here? You see, I currently have two swords. We shall fight, for I am bored and annoyed!’

  ‘Oh no!’ Splot said in a panic. ‘I’ve never actually, um, fought anybody before! How do I actually use a sword?’

  ‘Well,’ the mantis-like figure answered while taking out an instruction manual, ‘it says here that you have to shake the sword back and forth, and occasionally up and down, and maybe do a little dance if it helps you get in the mood. Well, that’s what it says, anyway. So, what is your name, little floating pink thing, and is there is a reason why you keep saying “um”?’

  ‘I am Splot, the, um, Floating Pink Blob!’ Splot said while trembling. ‘Oh, and I just like saying, “um” all the time!’

  ‘I see,’ the mantis-like figure said in a serious tone of voice while staring at Splot. ‘Well, I am Sir Marvin, the Monocled Mantis. We shall fight for the sake of it! Hi-yah!’

  ‘Hiya!’ Splot greeted while waving.

  ‘No, you idiot!’ Sir Marvin shouted. ‘Not “hiya”, but “hi-yah”. You get it?’

  ‘Um,’ Splot thought for a minute, ‘hiya?’

  ‘Oh, just forget it!’ Sir Marvin proclaimed while sighing. ‘Let’s just fight, already! You can make the first move!’

  ‘Um, okay,’ Splot said while moving slightly to his left. ‘Okay, your turn!’

  ‘What?’ Sir Marvin asked while staring at Splot with a confused look in his eyes. ‘You didn’t attack me?’

  ‘Was that what I was meant to do?’ Splot asked Sir Marvin in a confused tone of voice. ‘You see, you told me to, um, move, so I, um, moved.’

  ‘Okay,’ Sir Marvin said in a bamboozled tone. ‘Whatever. You can attack me now.’

  ‘Here I come!’ Splot proclaimed with a look of determination in his eyes as he ran towards Sir Marvin while shaking his sword left and right, and occasionally up and down, while dancing. ‘Hel-lo!’

  ‘Hahahahahahaha!!!’ Sir Marvin couldn’t stop laughing while Splot was running over to him.’

  ‘And…Prod!’ Splot said as he hit Sir Marvin with his sword, causing him to fall to the incorrectly paved ground.

  ‘Ouch!’ Sir Marvin yelled in agony as he began to get himself up from the incorrectly paved ground. ‘Well, Splot, you have beaten me at my own game, so I shall now knight you, Sir Splotalot! Now, I shall take my leave! Farewell!’

  ‘Goodbye, Sir Marvin!’ Sir Splotalot said as the green mantis-like figure walked away from the incorrectly built castle. ‘Well, I guess I’d better, um, report back to Sage-ittarius.’

  With that, Sir Splotalot began his long journey back to the herb garden.

  ****

  After several hours of floating over the same rough terrain as he floated over on his journey to the castle, which (again) had absolutely no effect on our current hero, Sir Splotalot, he eventually arrived at what seemed like a herb garden, with a wise sage waving at him.

  ‘Sow,’ Sage-ittarius said while waving at Sir Splotalot, ‘I gather that it all went well, then?’

  ‘Yes, indeed it, um, did!’ Sir Splotalot responded with a smile while floating over to the wise sage.

  ‘Excellent!’ Sage-ittarius said with a grin. ‘We shall celebrate with tea and biscuits! Lettuce celebrate!’

  ‘Yes!’ Sir Splotalot said while munching on a biscuit. ‘Let us celebrate!’

  With that, Sage-ittarius and Sir Splotalot celebrated the rest of the day away.

  ****

  Splot, the Floating Pink Sorcerer

  ‘I seed, I seed,’ a serious-sounding wise sage with a grey leaf moustache and a walking stick thought as he read the letter that lay before him in his herb garden. ‘Sow, there’s treasure in that forest, eh? Hm, oh, young Splot, could you traverse your way over to me, trees?’

  As soon as the young pink blob heard Sage-ittarius’ wise words of brilliance, Splot quickly floated over to the old, wise sage himself. ‘What is it, oh sagey-one?’

  ‘There appears to be some treasure hidden in the n
earby forest, young Splot!’ the sage said as he took a sip out of his herbal tea. ‘I wood like you to retrieve it and see what is inside.’

  ‘I will do it, oh, um, seedy-one!’ the young pink blob said as he created a soldier-like pose of seriousness. ‘I am at your seedy-service!’

  ‘Anyweed,’ Sage-ittarius said, quickly moving on, ‘you must go, quickly, for I hear that there is a mushroom sorcerer in the vicinity of the forest!’

  ‘Farewell, oh sagey-one!’ Splot said as he began to leave the herb garden.

  ****

  After several hours of floating over some pretty rough terrain, which had absolutely no effect on our current hero, Splot, he eventually arrived at what seemed like a place with lots and lots of trees. Splot assumed that it must be the forest that Sage-ittarius spoke of.

  ****

  Meanwhile, in the depths of the forest, stood a witch and a mushroom…

  ‘Eeeeeee-he-he-he-he!!!’ Beatrice, a tall, fat woman with a black and purple coat, a black witch hat, long, black hair, really skinny legs, tiny feet and green coloured eyes laughed evilly as she made a magic wand appear at a brown and red mushroom’s feet with her magic, witch-like powers. ‘Here you go, Marston! Don’t go ruining this task, now! Alundra has reasonably good faith in you as a sorcerer!’

  ‘Indeed, Mistress Beatrice!’ the magical mushroom responded to the witch. ‘My powers have great potential, so I won’t let you or Alundra down!’

  ‘You ruined your first task, so don’t ruin this one!’

  ‘I understand completely, Beatrice,’ the mushroom bowed down to the witch. ‘I’ll get that treasure faster than you can say “There’s not mushroom left for dinner!”. Now, farewell!’

  ‘Just don’t mess up!’ Beatrice said as she began to walk away.

  ‘Old hag…’ Marston whispered as he began to look for the treasure.

  ****

  After searching long and hard for the treasure, Splot just couldn’t find it anywhere, and the same went for Marston, as well.

  ‘I bet that treasure doesn’t really exist,’ Marston sighed as he bumped into Splot.

  ‘Help me!’ Splot screamed. ‘I’ve been mugged!’

  ‘Mugged?’ the confused mushroom said. ‘It appears you have literally nothing for me to steal, so mugging you is, unfortunately, impossible. Let me guess, you’re looking for the treasure, too?’

  ‘Um, how did you know about the treasure?’ Splot questioned the mushroom. ‘Do you know where it is?’

  ‘Unfortunately, I do not,’ Marston replied. ‘Listen, I’m really bored, and I need to have some fun, so…No more wondering the whereabouts of the wand, appear before me, and not in the nearby pond!’

  Suddenly, from out of the blue, surfaced a wand with a yellow star on it.

  ‘Use that wand, little blob of pinkness!’ Marston commanded as he pointed at the wand with his wand.

  ‘But how am I supposed to use it?’ Splot asked, curiously. ‘I’ve never used an, um, wand before.’

  ‘Before I continue, I must ask you something: Why do you keep saying “um” all the time? It’s rather perplexing.’

  ‘Um, I just like saying “um” a lot, that’s all!’

  ‘Very well, then. Anyway, how to use a wand: Well, it’s rather simple. You see, first, you say a weird phrase that hints at what you want changed. Be it the surrounding area, or maybe you haven’t eaten in a while, and you’re feeling rather peckish. Then, you wave the wand around, then poof! Something weird happens!’

  ‘Hey lookie, it’s a cookie!’ Splot said as he waved his magic wand. ‘Wow! A cookie appeared! Munch!’

  ‘Now for the challenge!’ Marston said while holding his magic wand above his head to attempt to make a cool pose. ‘I shall change this forest’s layout to be more maze-like, and I shall also summon my almighty Whipplers to slow you down! Now, forest mazey, become hazey!’

  The forest’s layout immediately changed to a more mazey-like setting, causing much confusion in Splot.

  ‘The forest turned weird!’ Splot said in a bamboozled tone of voice.

  ‘Now go, my Whipplers!’ Marston said as he summoned his infamous Whippler army. ‘We have the red Whippler, the blue Whippler, and the yellow Whippler. Although, knowing my luck, they are probably just as dumb as they were before.’

  ‘We are the not so humble Whipplers!’ the Whipplers suddenly began to sing. ‘We eat, sleep, fight, and we attack out of spite! We are the not so humble Whipplers!’

  ‘A slightly more promising start,’ Marston said as he watched the Whipplers act crazily. ‘Now, my Whipplers! Go and take your places in the forest!’

  ‘Places?’ the Whipplers asked in unison.

  ‘Oh, right,’ Marston said with a look of embarrassment on his face. ‘You haven’t been given any places, yet. Very well, just go wherever you want. In the forest, of course!’

  ‘To our hiding places!’ the Whipplers all shouted in harmony.

  ‘Go chase after them!’ Marston commanded Splot as he pointed his magic wand in the general direction that the Whipplers ran off in.

  ‘Ready or not, here I, um, come!’ Splot shouted with glee as he began to run around the forest maze.

  ‘That should keep him busy while I look for the treasure,’ Marston mused as he began to wander off in search of the treasure.

  ****

  After quite a while of wandering around in the forest, Splot seemed to be getting nowhere.

  ‘Now where did those weird, um, Whippymaroberts go off to?’ Splot wondered as he kept looking behind bushes, trees, and the like.

  ‘Atchooo!!!’ a weird figure sneezed as Splot accidentally rubbed against a leaf of greenness.

  ‘Hey, a Whippymarobert!’ Splot suddenly screamed with delight as he witnessed the yellow Whippler fly out of his hiding place.

  ‘Darn it, I’ve been caught!’ the yellow Whippler sighed. ‘I shall stop you yet! I know karate!’

  ‘You know, um, what?’ Splot asked the yellow Whippler while putting on an expression of bewilderment.

  ‘Never mind!’ the yellow Whippler sighed. ‘Just be in the knowledge that I am not powerless!’

  ‘Um,’ Splot thought as he began to panic. ‘Um, well, oh gee, I need some tea!’

  ‘What in the…?’ the yellow Whippler uttered in bamboozlement as he witnessed Splot waving his wand.

  After Splot had finished waving his wand, a cup of tea suddenly appeared in his hand.

  ‘Yippee!’ Splot said as he began to sip his fresh cup of tea. ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Did you want some?’

  ‘Well, I’m not very thirsty, but…’ the yellow Whippler began to say as Splot started to float over towards him.

  ‘Woops!’ Splot said in an apologetic tone of voice as he tripped over a sticking out twig, and thus spilling his tea all over the yellow Whippler. ‘I’m so sorry, Mr., um, Yellow Whippler, sir!’

  ‘It burns, it burns!’ the yellow Whippler yelled in agony as he tried running back and forth to try and cool down. ‘The power of the tea…it exceeds my own true strength!’

  ‘Sorry, I could always give you an, um, fresh cup!’ Splot apologized as he began to float over to the yellow Whippler.

  ‘Get away from me!!!’ the yellow Whippler yelled in terror as he began to run away from Splot.

  ‘Oh well,’ Splot mused. ‘Guess I’d better find the other, um, Whippymaroberts.’

  ****

  Splot was beginning to lose hope in finding the other Whipplers, when all of a sudden, he bumped into a tree.

  ‘Oww!!!’ Splot said as he began to rub his head. ‘Who put this tree in this, um, forest? Um, there doesn’t appear to be any other route. I could always, um, go back the way I came. Hmmm…I could alternatively get rid of the tree…Um, for goodness sake, give me some cake!’

  After Splot had waved his wand, the tree suddenly turned into a nice slice of cake.

  ‘Um, what just happened to the tree?’ the red Whippler,
who was sitting on the top of the tree which Splot turned into a cake, said in a very baffled tone of voice as he looked down to the ground. ‘Uhhh…Uh-oh!’

  ‘Munch!’ Splot said as he began to eat the new slice of cake while the red Whippler fell to the ground.

  ‘It hurts, it hurts!’ the red Whippler screamed in pain as he rubbed his head.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry!’ Splot said in a very apologetic tone of voice. ‘Would you like some cake?

  ‘Stay away from me!’ the red Whippler shouted in fear as he began to run away. ‘I don’t want to get turned into a cake!’

  ****

  ‘Where’s that final Whippymarobert?’ Splot thought as he continued his trek in the forest. ‘I don’t see anything that could resemble it. Maybe he’s in this, um, weird brown box-like thing.’

  ****

  Right after Splot had arrived at the weird brown box-like thing, he then tried to open it.

  ‘Heave!!!’ Splot said as he tried to open the box. ‘It’s so heavy! Wait a minute! Box closed, become exposed! Yippee!!!’

  ‘Oww!!!’ a weird voice suddenly yelled as the lid of the box opened and hit its head. ‘The pain! The pain!!!’

  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry!’ Splot said in his usual apologetic tone of voice to the blue Whippler who was hiding behind the box.

  ‘Don’t go near me!’ the blue Whippler yelled in terror as he began to run away from Splot.

  ‘The treasure!’ a familiar voice shouted with glee as he rushed towards the treasure chest that Splot had opened. ‘Get away! This all belongs to me!’

  ‘But I got here first!’ Splot said in a sad tone of voice.

  ‘We’ll soon see about that!’ Marston yelled in anger as he began to wave his wand.

  ‘No, go away!’ Splot screamed while waving his wand. ‘I could spend this money on a soufflé!’

  Immediately after Splot had screamed at Marston, a soufflé appeared in the vicinity.

  ‘Must eat food!’ Marston shouted as he ran towards the soufflé.

  ‘Now to get back to, um, Sage-ittarius with this treasure!’ Splot told himself as he began to head back to the wise sage.

  ****

  A few minutes later, after Marston had finally finished eating the soufflé:

  ‘That was delicious!’ Marston told himself while wandering over to the treasure chest. ‘Hmmm…I wonder where that pink blob has gotten off to…Huh? The treasure! It’s gone! No!!! That pink blob tricked me! Those old hags are not going to like this…’