The confession

It all started in 1987. I was sixteen and living life the way I wanted to. I didn’t care what anybody thought. I was going to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

  I met a guy that year; he was older and stationed on the nearby base. He was military I don’t know which branch it was I wasn’t that into details and we only knew each other a short while. His name was Chris Becker; he was tall with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He could sing and his voice would melt your heart it was the most amazing sound to me in those sixteen years I had been alive. It was his dream to make music and melt the hearts of all. His parents pushed him to the military I do remember that he hated it. He said they owned him, he wasn’t their child he was their personal property. I never felt that way with my parents. My mom took off when I was young I have no memories of her and my dad well he did the best he could and I respected him and loved him dearly. He worked two jobs to support myself and my younger brother Max. We didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time with him which at the time I was perfectly fine with. Max wasn’t though he struggled a bit but he focused on school as an escape and won tons of awards.

  I ended up pregnant and he said he would stick around and help me, my dad was disappointed but would support me with whatever I decided I wanted to do. I decided to keep the child and I still believe that was the best choice for me, I just wonder if that was the best choice for my son. I regret to say that I sometimes wonder how his life would be if I would have chosen adoption. A few months passed and everything was working. By working I mean that we had a plan on what we would do, I would live at home with my father and Max and Chris would help us financially take care of the baby.

  In one night everything changed. Chris came over. I made dinner and the three of us, me, Max, and Chris ate and laughed. When Max went to bed Chris asked to talk to me. “Babe I need you to stay calm and listen to me and understand what I am saying to you.” I laughed I thought he was being to serious and was about to reach the punch line at any point now. Then he said, “I’m leaving. I have to go on deployment.” I was shocked but okay I said, “Alright well we can get through this, and when you get back maybe we will finally get married.” “No, I’m sorry but I’ve thought about all of this and it’s just to much for me. I can’t handle it and I want out. So when I leave I won’t come back, well not to you anyway.” At that moment I had never been more crushed. I remember screaming and crying and even hitting him to get him out of my sight. I couldn’t stand to look at him! I just wanted my dad so I called his second job which was a small donut shop that stayed open late so he wasn’t expected to be home. They told me that my dad never showed to his shift. That wasn’t like my dad he worked his butt off and never complained, never missed work. Later that night I was waiting up for him and finally I heard the car door and ran outside “Dad where have you….” I stopped dead in my tracks and sentence it wasn’t my dad. It was the police and even being only sixteen I knew that wasn’t good so I asked them, “Where is he? What happened?” they wanted me to go inside and sit down and I remember screaming “No just tell me!” I was the one who had to tell Max. I decided not to tell him until morning. I rehearsed my lines that I would say to him and practiced in a mirror while on top of it dealing with my pregnant emotions. When morning came I told him that dad was killed in an accident, a car crash on his way from one job to the other.

  My Aunt Sherry was the one who got custody of us. I didn’t like her much so I rebelled and with good reason it wasn’t just that I didn’t like her I had my reasons, besides she was my mother’s sister. Max lived there with her and I stayed with friends and sometimes in the bus station. I tried not to stay at station because the police would bring me to Aunt Sherry’s house. Then I would leave right after them but it was still a hassle for both Sherry and I. I saw Max often and tried to be there for him. We were so close in age that to this day it so strange to me to see how different we turned out. It really shows you that saying about the roads you take is some serious stuff.

  I was at a crossroads and I had a child coming. I didn’t know if it was a boy or girl but I had hoped it was a boy and that he would be as strong and wonderful as his grandfather. i went to the free clinic once a month but ultrasounds cost them to much money so it was rare that I actually got to see the baby in me. I got a job at the donut shop after school, it became a full time job shortly after I decided at that time in my life I needed money more than education. Raising a baby wasn’t cheap and now more than ever I wanted to keep this baby I had lost so much in my life but I was not going to allow that to happen to my child. And I needed this baby. I had no one I needed to be loved unconditionally by this life that I would create, raise, and protect from all forms of evil.

  I made enough money to struggle with my own place. It wasn’t much but it was a home. It was a small one room shack with a bathroom. When I say one room I mean my bedroom the nursery the kitchen and living room in one room. This worked because I didn’t have anything. I would visit the dump often, very often. That’s where I got the crib and couch and loads of other things. One man’s trash is another’s treasure right? I couldn’t get food stamps because I was underage and considered a runaway. Life was tough but my son was worth it. That’s right son. I now knew I was having a son. He was a boy and would be like my father but with more choices and a chance of having an easier life. I didn’t care what I had to do he was going to have a better life and never know how it felt to be this poor or this sad.

  The contractions started I remember that all to well. I don’t think any woman could ever forget that pain, it was excruciating and stressful with all the commotion of the nurses. His shoulders were wide and It was difficult they didn’t think I could push him out but after hours of hard work he came. I can still feel it in my heart, when I heard him cry for the first time. The most amazing feeling and everything I had previously been feeling and thinking were gone. Everything was perfect in that moment. Max had to miss it because of Sherry but he came later and saw us. He cried the first time he held him. He couldn’t believe that this amazing little boy came out of his sister and I think at the same time it hurt him that it did because I was a mom and we had already been through so much change and what the baby do to us?

  I named him Ryan James Truex. He was born February 18th 1988. I went back to work a week after he was born and cannot think my boss enough. She let me bring him to work with me. We kept him a play pen. I had tons of breaks because I was breast feeding and it was a blessing that Ryan was such a good baby. My boss became like my mother. Pattie Jean was her name. Pattie Jean was a blessing too and I owe the credit to a lot of the positive choices in my life to her.

  We struggled and we cried together many times but it had been a year. Ryan was walking and he was growing up. I was now eighteen and could get government help to feed him. Pattie Jean was retiring and selling the shop. I was upset that she didn’t choose me to run the shop so that she could still keep it but I understood that I was so young. I was surprised when she told me that she didn’t choose that path of keeping the shop and having me run it because she had bigger plans for me. Boy did she. With the help of Pattie Jean I got my GED. She kept Ryan for me and she helped me study and we went through a lot of coffee. I moved out of my shack during the process of getting my GED because I couldn’t afford to live on my own and Pattie Jean asked me to move in “to keep her company” this house also not to much to look at but it was a wonderful home and we were both so loved by Pattie Jean that I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.

  It had been another year now and Pattie Jean had passed on. I found her in her bed. She didn’t feel anything which I always wondered about with my dad. I was packing up and all set to suffer and go to my Aunt’s door begging to stay there for a while until
I got back on my feet when a lawyer knocked on the door. Ill cut the boring details and just tell you that Pattie Jean had left everything she owned to me. I used the money that was left from the donut shop to go to school. I knew that is what she would have wanted. She had tried to give me the money to it for a long time now. I used the money wisely and paid a sitter to keep Ryan while I was in class. I took business. I had watched Pattie Jean run the business and we had always talked about the different aspects of it.

  I graduated two long years later and Ryan was now four. I got jobs managing various businesses and saved money. It took a long time to establish myself and to get the reputation that I wanted to have. I finally was able to get out there and be my own boss when Ry was twelve. He had seen me struggle but it was nothing like when I watched my dad. So part of my dream for Ryan was already coming true. The other part of him being like my dad was a little bit far off. He was like his dad in a way though, he looked just like him with that dark brown hair and blue eyes. He also had a voice that could