Confessions of a Grasshopper



  CONFESSIONS OF A GRASSHOPPER

  CONFESSIONS OF A GRASSHOPPER THEME SONG

  The grass must grow and keep on growing forever …

  We must keep eating corn so we’ll be clever!

  In short there’s not a more lovely spot

  for happily singing and hopping

  than here in Grassalot!

  CAST OF CHARACTERS - THE PEOPLE-CREATURES

  1. BILL . A college student in his early 20s.

  2. MARY. BILL'S live-in girlfriend, also a college student. Vain / spoiled.

  3. BARB. MARY'S friend, and college student, easily influenced by others.

  4. RICK. BARB'S boyfriend, and college student.

  5. JAKE The owner of a discount department store.

  6. SMITH. A VP of Bloomingdale’s Store in New York City.

  7. PECOS PETE. A hermit and old prospector

  8. IRVING. GRASSHOPPER -Self-proclaimed master of “Sales Grasshopper”

  9. AUNT LULU. GRASSHOPPER - IRVING'S “sales manager”

  10. FLORABELLE. Young GRASSHOPPER who is abducted.

  11. DUFFY. Leader of the GRASSHOPPERS at Grassalot.

  12. ZED. Elderly, rustic GRASSHOPPER

  13. LOCKJAW. DUFFY'S right-hand GRASSHOPPER

  14. POPPA FRED. GRASSHOPPER - Very elderly, very absent-minded.

  Production Note

  The Grasshoppers are humanoid except for their faces. They have the large eyes, antennas, and other facial features of grasshoppers – as well as nonfunctioning wings. However, their arms, legs, and torsos are quite human-like – except that their flesh is green. Their antennas are about a foot long and should quiver when a Grasshopper is excited or nervous.

  CONFESSIONS OF A GRASSHOPPER

  ACT ONE

  A 1957 Imperial convertible is coming down a residential street in a lower middle-class neighborhood, Rutherford, New Jersey. This is a small college town, home of Farley Dickinson College. The entire back seat of the Imperial is overflowing with garage sale items; some larger items are strapped to the sides of the open car. A CU of the Imperial reveals its occupants: BILL, the driver, looking glum and harried; and MARY, smiling happily. The car stops in front of an old Colonial-type house which has been converted into an apartment house for college students. MARY gets out of the car; BILL remains seated.

  BILL

  I suppose you expect me to unload all this junk.

  MARY

  Well, you do claim to be a gentleman don’t you?

  BILL

  I’m too damned tired to feel noble.

  MARY

  Listen, I didn’t spend all day buying these treasures to let them sit in the car! Come on – get the lead out! I can’t wait to see how this all looks in our apartment.

  BILL

  They look just fine where they are. We can have a junk sale right here!

  MARY

  Oh, stop your bellyaching. I’ll call Barb and the three of us can take everything up together. Just pile the stuff on the sidewalk and I’ll be back in a sec.

  BILL

  Bring me a beer. And if I’m sleeping when you get back, don’t wake me up.

  MARY

  Sometimes I wish I were a low-grade moron so you and I would have more in common.

  BILL

  Like what’s this – smart junk?

  MARY

  You know your trouble, BILL?

  BILL

  No, but I’m sure you’re going to share your great wisdom and insight with me.

  MARY

  You have no imagination – none at all! Just wait till you see how cute these things look

  in our apartment.

  BILL

  The only thing that ever looks cute in our apartment is the beer in the frig – and it looks

  even cuter when I’m holdin’ it in my hand! So how about bringin’ down a cold one –or are we gonna stand around and argue all day?

  MARY

  In case you hadn’t noticed, buster, I’m the only one standing. You’re sitting on your duff – as usual!

  BILL (Slumping back in the seat, closing his eyes.)

  Just get my damn beer.

  Cut to: BILL, MARY and BARB carrying the “treasuries” into the living room of BILL and MARY’S small apartment. BILL has had several beers and is feeling giddy. He giggles at the menagerie of old stuffed animals that MARY has collected and which are sitting in the middle of the floor. There is an elephant without a trunk, a bedraggled rabbit, a chicken with a lopsided head, and a teddy bear that is frayed, frizzled and forlorn. BILL picks up the teddy bear and looks at it with a bemused expression.

  BILL

  And you paid a buck and a half for this monstrosity! What a sucker! What’s it good for? Hey! Maybe it can fly!

  BILL flings the TEDDY BEAR out the open window. MARY screams and dashes out of the apartment.

  Cut to: MARY in yard at side of house. She picks up the TEDDY BEAR, brushes it off lovingly.

  Cut to: MARY re-entering apartment, cradling the TEDDY BEAR in her arms like a baby. She glares at BILL.

  MARY

  Monster!

  The TEDDY BEAR'S head falls off and bounces on the floor. BILL laughs uproaringly and flings the head out the window.

  MARY (Cont’d)

  Bastard!

  BILL continues giggling, now almost defiantly.

  BARB

  Being with you two lovebirds is my second favorite thing to do. My first favorite thing is hitting my head with a hammer. I guess I’m just a glutton for punishment.

  Fade. It’s a short time later and BILL, MARY and BARB are sitting on the floor, rummaging through a large cardboard box, which contains old books, magazines and newspapers.

  BARB

  Looking at an old magazine. Check out these bathing suits! They look like bloomers!

  BILL

  What are bloomers?

  MARY

  I’ll tell you when you’re older.

  BARB

  Women really looked ugly in those days!

  MARY

  Yeah, it’s a wonder anybody ever had sex!

  BILL (Holding another old magazine.)

  Look at this – a LaSalle touring sedan – two thousand ninety bucks.

  BILL (Continues) (whistles).

  That car must be worth three hundred thou’ today!

  MARY (Looking over BARB’S shoulder at her magazine.)

  Look at that guy – Rudolph Valentino. He’s kinda cute.

  BILL

  Here’s a REO roadster. I never heard of that one. And a Pierce-Arrow. Hey, that’s quite a set of wheels!

  BARB

  His hair looks awful greasy.

  MARY

  I still wouldn’t kick him out of bed. I might even kick him into it!

  MARY and BARB laugh.

  BILL

  Man, if I had a couple of those Pierce-Arrows, I’d be rich!

  MARY

  All you ever think about is money.

  BILL

  So what else is there to think about? Money alone sets the whole world in motion.

  MARY

  What about S – E – X?

  BILL

  That’s something you just take for granted.

  MARY

  You know why I never tell him when I’m having an orgasm, Barb?

  BARB

  Okay, I’ll bit, why?

  MARY

  ‘Cause he’s never around!

  BILL

&nbs
p; Very funny. Hey, look at this – a 1921 edition of National Scoop!

  BILL holds up an old tabloid newspaper.

  BILL (Cont’d)

  It’s like the National Enquirer! Listen to this: “Saber-tooth Tiger Discovered in South Carolina!” How about this one: “ Grandmother Hatches Bird Eggs!” Hey – here’s the best one: “Talking Grasshoppers Discovered in New Mexico!”

  BARB

  Who cares, I should be studying for the finals?

  BILL

  It about some prospector named Elijah Gray found the talkin’ grasshopper near Crystalville, New Mexico. Gray put the grasshopper in a glass bottle and took it to Albuquerque, but by the time he got there, the grasshopper had died. Too bad. If Gray was able to keep it alive, he would have been super rich!

  MARY

  Oh, come on. Talkin’ grasshopper? No way.

  BILL

  I’m serious! Just think what you could do with a taking grasshopper. Radio – television – movies – county fairs, even Internet. Think of all the money you could make.

  MARY

  Get over here and help us move this!

  BILL

  Prof Martin should see this!

  MARY

  Great idea. Maybe he’ll organize an expedition with you as the fearless leader – the great grasshopper hunter. You’d bring ‘em back dead or alive. My hero!

  BILL

  It’s not funny.

  MARY

  So why are you such a money-hungry jerk?

  BILL

  Why do I stay here? Living here is becoming the pits. You complain about money, but when I say somethin’ to get it, you go ballistic. I’m sick of all this! Life is hard.

  BARB

  Compared to what? … Hey, I’m leaving if you going to fight.

  MARY

  Don’t go. Stay and help me put the rest of this stuff away.

  BARB

  Your man can help you.

  MARY

  Yeah, sure. Maybe he can get his grasshoppers to pitch-in?

  MARY and BARB laugh while BILL mocks a pout.

  BILL

  You know something, Mary? If I was married to you, I wouldn’t come home on payday.

  MARY

  Wishful thinking.

  BARB

  I’m gonna leave you two to fight it out. Need to cram for the finals.

  BARB smiles and leaves.

  BILL

  I told you not to buy this junk. Look how cluttered this place is already! The only thing

  worth saving is that copy of National Scoopand that old surfboard. You see the teeth marks in it? They’re from a shark! Some poor bastard must have been wiped out by a man-eater. And look how sturdy this board is. They sure don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

  BILL hits the board with his fist intending to demonstrate how strong it is. The board breaks in two.

  MARY

  Great. Now we have two shark eating surf-boards. And it’s the only thing you bought for yourself, except for that pile of moldy newspapers.

  BILL

  These National Scoops will be collector items, just watch!

  MARY

  Are you gonna help me or not?

  BILL

  Hey, gimme a break. You’ve been pushing me all day. Go get me another beer.

  MARY

  What are you – crippled? Get it yourself.

  BILL goes into the small kitchen, returns a moment later holding an open can of beer.

  BILL

  Wouldn’t it be great if there really were such a thing as a talking grasshopper?

  MARY

  Will you forget about grasshoppers! You’re a biology major – you ought to be smart

  enough to know there’s no such thing!

  BILL

  Pardon me for daydreaming.

  MARY

  But it would be just like you to actually believe in them. Remember that time we went to Connecticut and you bought that worm from a guy you met in a bar ‘cause he told you it could be trained to do ticks? The only trick that worm did was to die!

  BILL

  I never got the instructions on how to feed it and it just starved to death before I got a chance.

  MARY

  No wonder. You tried to feed it a hunk of pizza. It probably died of indigestion.

  BILL

  Well, he was starting to lean to do tricks – Gotta admit that!

  MARY

  You call that leanings? All it did was move one inch, roll over and die. And you were out thirty bucks! What a genius.

  BILL

  Yeah, but that still makes me twice as smart as someone who would spend two dollars for a stuff chicken with a cockeyed head – and a buck and a half for a teddy bear with no head at all.

  MARY

  That teddy bear had a head when I bought it, you jerk. You owe me a buck and a half. Pay up.

  BILL

  I’ll let you use my body night and we’ll be even.

  MARY

  Are you kidding? I’d have to use your body a hundred and fifty times to get my money’s

  worth.

  BILL

  A hundred and fifty times, huh? Well, in that case, you’d better get started right away.

  BILL throws his arms around MARY. SHE struggles for a moment, pounds his chest angrily, then gives in to him as the scene fades.

  Long shot of Farley Dickinson campus – College buildings, students sitting, walking, etc. Int. Of college cafeteria; many booths and tables, most occupied by college students, males and female. BILL and RICK are sitting in a booth drinking Cokes.

  RICK

  What happenin’ with you and Mary?

  BILL

  The same. I wish she was more money-oriented.

  RICK

  She’s sex-oriented. What’s the problem with that?

  BILL

  Yeah, it’s as if she plannin’ to become

  a hooker – her major is law. Wants to be an attorney like her mother.

  RICK

  Which is just another form of high-class hookering. Is that such a word?

  BILL

  Don’t know. … But there’s no way you can make it big as a lawyer unless you’re money-mad, money - hungry, money-grubbin’ and a bit dishonest.

  RICK

  Yeah, lawyers get on their knees and pray for chaos. Give her time, old buddy, she’ll wise up to the big money picture.

  BILL

  Maybe? … Hey, I wanna show you somethin’.

  BILL shows RICK the old newspaper.

  BILL (Cont’d)

  See this thing here about talkin’ grasshoppers?

  RICK

  You’re kidding right?!

  BILL

  Have a little faith. This story is the real deal!

  RICK

  What that, the National Star...

  BILL

  No, National Scoop – probably one of the finest newspapers ever published on scientific curiosities.

  RICK

  You must be off your head. The thing is ancient!

  BILL

  Published June 17, 1923. I found it garage sale hunting with Mary.

  RICK

  No such thing as talking grasshoppers. That’s a fact!

  BILL

  You’re wrong. Watch, Martin will confirm it when he gets back tomorrow. … He wrote a book about grasshoppers - a real authority.

  RICK

  Also a nut case.

  BILL

  Eccentric, that’s all. Biology professors are kinda off the wall. He’s just living up to the image.

  RICK

  And doing a very good job at it.

  BILL

  He’s all right. And he’s a damn good teacher. And let’s face it – all teachers are weird.

  RICK

  Ain’t that the truth!

  Fade to Interior of small laboratory. PROFESSOR MARTIN is surrounded by lab equipment. He is wearing a white frock and is looking into a microscope as BIL
L enters.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN (looks up.)

  Yes, Fairweather. What is it?

  BILL

  You got a sec? I found this story about grasshoppers in this old newspaper. I thought you’d like to see it.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Yes, orthopterous suborder saltatoria. I’ve spent many, many years studying the little creatures. Have you read my book, “Grasshoppers I Have Known and Loved?”

  BILL (He lies)

  You bet! I couldn’t put it down. Great scientific literature – one of the best books ever written.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Oh yes, well … I wouldn’t go quite that far, of course, but I do appreciate your praise. The book was received quite well in the biology community. Quite well indeed.

  BILL

  A minor masterpiece.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Yes, well … Well, Fairweather, let me see what you’ve brought to me.

  BILL (Showing PROFESSOR MARTIN the newspaper.)

  BILL (Cont’d)

  This is just for laughs, of course. Get a load of this – “Taking Grasshoppers Discovered in New Mexico”!

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Humm … interesting. Indeed … very interesting. What’s the date?

  BILL

  Nineteen twenty-three, I believe.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Extraordinary!

  BILL

  It’s funny, isn’t it? A joke! I mean, who would take something like that seriously? Professor …

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Truly extraordinary!

  BILL

  Is … is it true?

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Fairweather, I would like to show you something.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN scurries over to a cluttered bookcase, rummages around, withdraws a thin volume.

  PROFESSSOR MARTIN (Cont’d)

  Yes, yes – here it is. “Anomalous Arthropods” by Wolfgang Schicklegruber, the famous German biologist, copyright 1929. In this book, Schicklegruber describes in detail

  glottological orthopterous insects.

  BILL

  What’s that?

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  A talking grasshopper, my boy! A talking grasshopper.

  BILL

  You mean …

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Yes! The talking grasshopper Dr. Schicklegruber discovered was in the southwestern part of the United States – and the year was … 1923.

  BILL

  But grass … grasshoppers can’t actually talk. … Can they?

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Listen to what Dr. Schicklegruber writes: “A grasshopper makes its sound by rubbing its wings together, or its legs on its abdomen. However, this particular grasshopper – which I have taken the liberty to naming ‘Schicklegrubis’ – forces air backwards through certain membranes and when muscles cords …

  PROFESSOR MARTIN points to a picture.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN (Cont’d)

  … are adducted or drawn together and vibrate, the creature creates a wide variety of sounds. Therefore, it can mimic whatever it hears.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN pauses dramatically, again points at picture of grasshopper.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN (Cont’d)

  The sixty-four dollar question, my boy, is whether the brain is sophisticated enough to store and organize thought processes. Unfortunately, its brain is so minuscule, this is highly unlikely. Also, the creature is so small; you would undoubtedly have to amplify its sounds to a rather high degree to make them audible for speech recognition.

  BILL

  You believe it … talking grasshopper?

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Fairweather, if Dr. Schicklegruber says such a creature exists, then you may be absolutely certain it does exist. And if you require further confirmation, you need only look at this old newspaper you brought.

  BILL

  Yeah, but look what else it reports: “Saber-tooth Tiger Discovered in South Carolina”! Come on now, Prof, how much credibility can you give a newspaper that prints a story like that?

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  A very valuable stuffed toy. If you had finished reading the article, you would have known that.

  BILL

  Okay, what about this one: “Grandmother Hatches Bird Eggs.”

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Read the article, Fairweather. Read the article. “Bird-loving grandmother Christine Lalumia, used her own body warmth to save the lives of 15 baby birds …”

  BILL

  Yeah, but a talking grasshopper.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Scoff all you wish, Fairweather, but I will tell you this: If it did not conflict with irrevocable plans I have made for the summer with Mrs. Martin, I would most assuredly travel to – what’s the name of the town? – ahh, yes – Crystalville, New Mexico.

  BILL

  You would?

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Of course! Don’t you see, Fairweather? This newspaper article of yours confirms Schicklegruber’s postulation regarding the existence of talking grasshoppers. During his lifetime, the scientific community ridiculed the poor, dear man – derided him. I weep for him. He was perhaps the greatest biologist in history.

  BILL

  You know … if a guy could find one of those things, he’d make a fortune. TV, movies, product endorsements, concerts, even the net. Wouldn’t it be great to have a grasshopper singing? Wow! People would go crazy!

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  If a talking grasshopper could be found, it would restore Schicklegruber’s rightful place in the scientific world, and a feather in my cap. Oh yes, I fancy that!

  BILL

  Wow … a guy could make millions.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Pitiable Wolfgang … If only I could do something …

  BILL

  I could live in a mansion – have my own harem of gorgeous chicks. I could even donate money for a wing honoring Schicklegruber … and you too, Prof.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Wolfgang is my hero. My idol, a clever man. I must do something.

  BILL

  My own mansion … tennis court, swimming pools … parties … trips to Tibet, Disney Land.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Fairweather. What are your plans for the summer?

  BILL

  TV talk shows … my own entourage …

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Fairweather!

  BILL

  Huh? What?

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  What are your plans for the summer?

  BILL

  I dunno. We usually hit the beach at Seaside Heights a few times. Maybe Barnegat Bay for a weekend. Nothin’ special.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  How would you like to go on a scientific expedition to New Mexico – all expenses paid and field credits?

  BILL

  All expenses paid?

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Yes. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, will be to go to Crystalville, New Mexico – to seek - to find – and to capture – a talking grasshopper. And you will be doing it not only for the greater glory of science – but also to salvage the reputation of Dr. Wolfgang Schicklegruber.

  BILL

  You’d pay all expenses?

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Precisely. And I would outfit you with everything you would require to capture and transport a talking grasshopper.

  BILL

  I dunno … I’ve got a girlfriend.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Take her with you.

  BILL

  But we always spend our summers with …

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Take them with you. Good heavens, Fairweather, don’t you realize how important your mission is? Money is no object. … Naturally, within reason.

  BILL

  Go to New Mexico? Money no object?

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Certainly! Come to my office t
he last day of school. I will have one thousand dollars cash waiting for you – and a gas card. You can wire me should your funds run low.

  BILL

  You know it’s a long shot, don’t you? I mean: the chances of finding a real, live, talking grasshopper are pretty slim.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  I wouldn’t care if your chances were one in five hundred.

  BILL

  Which they probably are.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Will you go?

  BILL

  Prof, you just hired yourself the best talking grasshopper hunter this side of Tanzania.

  Fade to: Interior of BILL and MARY’s apartment. BILL, MARY, BARB and RICK are sprawled out on the sofa and floor, drinking beer.

  MARY

  This is totally crazy! Who wants to spend the summer in New Mexico? It’s hot there, isn’t it? I want the Jersey shore and relaxation, not in a dumb car traveling God knows where.

  BILL

  Seaside Heights is old news. That place is filthy.

  BARB

  I think New Mexico sounds terrific. If that loony professor is willing to pay our expenses and give us field credits to boot, I say we go for it.

  MARY

  No me! I’m gonna kick back, and soak up some rays and party big time!

  BILL

  If you want rays, New Mexico got plenty. And I’m your party! Where’s your sense of adventure?

  MARY

  Between my legs. Besides, it’s all desert down there. Scorpions and tarantulas and gila monsters. Yuh!

  BILL

  You dumb broad! It’s safer in New Mexico than it is in New York City.

  MARY

  Huh, who wants to go to New York? You know the trouble with New York? … Too many New Yorkers.

  BARB

  I could use the credits. I’m going. How about you, Rick?

  RICK

  Hell no! I told you – I can’t. My grandfather is dying and I’m going to Scotland with Mom and Dad to see him. But believe me, I’d go in a heartbeat.

  MARY

  Well, I’m not interested. You can do anything you want to, Bill. I am definitely, positively not going to New Mexico. Hunting for grasshopper, what a stupid idea. Never! It’s stupid.

  BILL

  So what if it’s stupid? An all-expenses paid vacation is not stupid.

  BARB

  Looks like you and me, Bill.

  MARY

  Bill, you’re not going to New Mexico, and that’s final! We’re going to stay in Jersey.

  BILL

  Screw you. I’m going.

  BILL takes BARB’s hand.

  BILL (Cont’d)

  Like you said – it’s just you and me, kid.

  MARY

  Barb, you’ll go with him?

  BARB

  Why not? I’ve never been to New Mexico and field credits work for me. It should be fun.

  BILL

  Great, just you and me.

  MARY

  I can’t believe this! You bastard. All right, I’ll go. But I’ll make you miserable.

  BILL

  What’s new about that?

  RICK

  Sounds like you guys are going to have a real blast. Hey, when I’m in Scotland maybe I’ll look for the Lock Ness Monster. I’ll bet I find it before you track any grasstalkers.

  MARY

  Rick, do me a favor. Suck on something dead.

  RICK

  Sure. Put you head in my mouth.

  BILL

  I hate to break up this funfest, but I gotta go get my car serviced.

  MARY

  You don’t mean to drive that piece of junk all the way to New Mexico?

  BILL

  Hey, watch the way you talk about my pride and joy.

  MARY

  Your car is so ugly a junkyard dog wouldn’t piss on it!

  RICK

  I’ve had a car for ten years and never had a wreck. Bill’s had a wreck for ten years and never had a car.

  BILL

  Jest all you want, my friend, but that sturdy chariot will not only take us to New Mexico, it will also bring us back – in comfort, and in style with a capital S.

  MARY

  Oh my God. I just know this is going to be the worst vacation of my life.

  BILL

  What’s the big deal? It’s a free vacation.

  MARY

  Which only goes to prove the old saying: The worst things in life are free.

  Cut to: PROFESSOR MARTIN’s tiny, cluttered office. PROFESSION MARTIN hands BILL a stack of bills and BP credit card.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  Godspeed, Fairweather. Good luck with your noble guest. And always remember – the reputation of a magnificent soul rests in your hands. Go now – and redeem Dr. Wolfgang Schicklegruber.

  BILL

  Yes! This is not just an expedition – it’s a scientific crusade.

  A tear comes to PROFESSOR MARTIN’s eye. He clutches BILL’s hand and is choked with emotion.

  PROFESSOR MARTIN

  You’re a fine, fine young man.

  BILL smiles sardonically as the scene fades.

  Scene: BILL’S old car with the convertible top down is parked in front of BILL and Mary’s apartment house. There’s a suitcase tied on top of the trunk; the back seat is loaded with suitcase and boxes. MARY and BARB are sitting in the front seat; MARY in the middle, BARB by the door. BILL comes out of the apartment house carrying a large toolbox. He puts it on the back seat floor, gets in the driver’s seat.

  BILL

  Off to the land of sunshine and talking grasshoppers.

  MARY

  I’m gonna regret this! Hate it, hate it, hate it!

  BILL

  Mary, I gotta say one thing for you: What you lack in good sportsmanship you make up for with superior bitchiness.

  MARY

  And I have one thing to say to you, creep. You have a winning smile – but a loser’s face.

  BARB

  I can see it now – When I get back to school this fall I’ll write a paper called, “How I Spent My Summer Vacation Chasing Hoppers.” I went to New Mexico with two battling boneheads who ended up killing each other and I buried them both under a large rock – which is probably where they came from in the first place.”

  BILL puts the car in gear and they drive down the street.

  BILL

  Cheer up, Mary. We’re gonna have a great time.

  The old Imperial convertible backfires.

  MARY

  Oh my God … I’m really goin’ to hate this!

  Scene fades.

  Long shot of interstate highway. The Imperial is cruising along in the right lane, being passed by all cars.

  Cut to: Highway sign at side of the road that proclaims: “INDIANA ROADSIDE PARK AHEAD.”

  Cut to: The Imperial is parked on the shoulder of the interstate. A Kansas State Patrol car is parked directly behind it. A trooper has just given BILL a ticket. The trooper goes back to his car, pulls out on the interstate. BILL tears up the ticket and tosses the pieces onto the highway.

  Cut to: A roadside park. BILL and BARB are tossing a Frisbee to each other. MARY sits stiffly in the car, still pouting.

  MARY

  Hate it, hate it, hate it!

  Cut to: Overhead highway sign: “ENTERING OKLAHOMA.”

  Cut to: Exterior of bar. Sign in window says “Coldest Beer in Texas.”

  Cut to: Interior of bar. BILL, MARY and BARB are sitting at rustic table drinking Long Star Beer. BILL raises his bottle of beer.

  BILL

  Here’s to Wolfgang Schicklegruber.

  MARY

  Disgustedly. Who’s that?

  BILL

  A fellow scientist and grasshopper hunter, my dear, and long dead.

  MARY

  He sounds like a fellow-jerk.

  BILL

  Why, Mary Burloton! If Dr. Schicklegruber were alive to hear you say t
hat, he’d be rolling in his grave. He spent his entire life-studying grasshoppers.

  rHe

  Cut to: Imperial on interstate.

  Close-up of BILL and MARY. BARB is sleeping. MARY looks sullen. BILL is cheerful.

  MARY

  I’m beat. Worn out. And even my fingernails hurt.

  BILL

  You haven’t stopped complaining since we left Rutherford. Cheer up, for God’s sake. As soon as we cross the Texas Panhandle, we’ll be in New Mexico.

  MARY

  I’m hungry. And I have to use the bathroom.

  BILL

  Barb hasn’t complained once.

  MARY

  That’s only ‘cause she’s been sleeping the whole damn time.

  BILL

  You’ve been bitching enough for both of you.

  MARY

  You’re a real piece of work.

  BILL

  And you’re a bitch!

  MARY

  I still have to go.

  BILL

  Use the beer can. I’m not stoppin’!

  MARY

  Oh yeah!

  MARY opens the car door, threatening to jump out.

  MARY (Cont’d)

  Are you going to stop?

  Cut to: The car pulls to the side of the highway where the only life is scrub grass and tumbleweed.

  MARY (Cont’d)

  You bastard. There’s only one thing I hate worse than this trip – and that’s you.

  Cut to: The car on highway.

  Cut to: Interstate highway sign: “WELCOME TO NEW MEXICO, THE SUNSHINE STATE.”

  Cut to: Sign: “Entering Tucumcari, New Mexico.” BILL pulls off the interstate, drives down exit ramp, stops at gas station. MARY is sleeping; BARB is awake – but just barely. BILL jumps out of car, inserts gas credit card and puts hose in car, begins pumping gas. An ATTENDANT is lounging just outside the gas station office.

  BILL (Calling to ATTENDANT)

  Hey – it don’t pump.

  ATTENDANT

  Got to pay first.

  BILL

  I put the card in.

  ATTENDANT

  Don’t work. Get to pay cash first.

  BILL

  Oh?

  BILL gave ATTENDANT five dollars, and returned to the pump.

  BILL

  Hey – you got a map of New Mexico?

  ATTENDANT

  You got two dollars?

  BILL

  Yeah.

  ATTENDANT

  Then I got a map.

  BILL

  You ever heard of a town called Crystalville?

  ATTENDANT

  Nope. Look it up on the map.

  BILL

  You’re a big help.

  ATTENDANT

  That’s what I get paid for.

  MARY wakes up.

  MARY (Sleepily.)

  Where the hell are we?

  ATTENDANT

  Man, you really do need a map.

  Cut to: Imperial parked on residential street. BILL is studying the map. MARY and BARB are standing on the sidewalk, stretching, limbering up.

  BILL

  I think we have a problem.

  MARY

  Don’t tell me – You can’t find Crystalville on the map.

  BILL

  Why are you so negative?

  MARY

  I’m not negative – I’m positive – that you’re a first class asshole!

  BARB

  What’s the problem, Bill?

  BILL

  Crystalville is not on this map.

  BARB

  I think we have a problem.

  MARY

  That’s it! Take me to the airport. I’ve had it with this wild goose chase.

  BILL

  It’s a wild grasshopper chase. And our budget doesn’t allow for any plane fares. I’m afraid you’re stuck with us – and we’re stuck with you.

  MARY

  Great! Just great. From now on, Bill, I’m gonna accept you for just what you are.

  BILL

  Yeah? What’s that?

  MARY

  Punishment from God.

  BILL

  Hey, we’re gonna find the town! It’s probably too small to be on any map. See, you forgot to pack the laptop. … Okay, we’ll go to the State Highway Patrol Headquarters. They always

 

  BILL (Increases speed of car)

  I have detailed county maps. Don’t worry, girls, we’ll find Crystalville. After all, we can’t let old Wolfgang down.

  Cut to: Exterior of New Mexico Highway Patrol building. Imperial is parked out front.

  Cut to: Interior of building. BILL, MARY and BARB are standing in front of a counter. A Highway Patrolman turns away from the computer terminal and checks the maps.

  PATROLMAN

  Nothing in search. You sure you got the right name? Crystalville?

  BILL

  Yeah – that’s the right name.

  PATROLMAN

  Well, I’ve checked the computer and every map we have. Sorry, folks – there’s no such town in New Mexico.

  MARY

  Good! Now we can go home!

  Cut to: Exterior of a Denny’s Restaurant. The Imperial is parked outside.

  Cut to: Interior of restaurant. BARB, MARY and BILL are sitting in a booth drinking Cokes, eating hamburgers.

  MARY

  As soon as we get back, I’m gonna sleep for three days. And then you’re gonna take me to the beach.

  BILL

  I hate to give up so fast.

  MARY

  You should have checked it out before all this, smart-ass!

  BARB

  That old newspaper probably just made up the name of that town.

  BILL

  Yeah, maybe you’re right. Damn. It’s really frustrating.

  MARY

  Crystalville! What a dorky name.

 

  BARB

  Crystalville, it does sound phony. Mary’s right, we should have checked it out before all this.

  BILL

  Maybe Crystalville has a different spelling. Let’s find the local library and use their reference computer. Crystalville could be …

  PECOS PETE GRAY, sitting in the adjoining booth, turns quickly toward them.

  PECOS PETE

  You kids say somethin’ ‘bout Crystalville?

  BILL

  Yeah, why? You ever heard of it?

  PECOS PETE

  PECOS PETE stood up and faced the booth where BILL, MARY and BARB sat in.

  Heard of it? Why, sonny, I spent the best yaer’a my life that thet thar town! Used ta be a place down thar by the name’a Madam Lillie’s. Let me tell yua, sonny, she ran the best little whorehouse in the whole durn state!

  BILL

  So there really is such a place! Great! Where is it?

  PECOS PETE

  Shucks, sonny, Madam Lillie’s ain’t there no more.

  BILL

  I mean the town. Where is Crystalville?

  PECOS PETE

  Waal, I’ll tell ya – it ain’t there no more, nether.

  BILL

  What happened to it?

  PECOS PETE

  Just dried up and blowed away, I reckon. The old Crystal Silver Mine peetered out and that was all she wrote for the town – and Madam Lillie’s, too. Durn shame. She ran a tight ship …

  BILL

  Can you tell us where it was? I got a map. Please, can you show me?

  PECOS PETE

  Reckon as how I could – but they ain’t nuthin’ thar no more. Jus’ cactus an’ sagebrush. You kids figger on tryin’ ta work the mine? Asin’t nithin’ therea an’ ain’t been nithin’ thar fer nigh on ta fifty years.

  BILL

  But it was there in 1923, wasn’t it?

  PECOS PETE

  Sure ‘nuff was! Yep, I was down thar in ’27 …

  MARY

  What a minute, that would mak
e you, at least, a hundred and five. No way. You look no more than, what, eighty-five?

  PECOS PETE

  Yud got me thar.

  BILL

  What’s the deal?

  PECOS PETE

  Yud mind I sit down?

  Before getting permission PECOS PETE slide in next to BARB.

  PECOS PETE (Cont’d)

  Tanks. To tall the truth, I know about it. Got da lowdown. My older brother told me the stort, so I know real good.

  BILL

  You sure it was called Crystalville?

  PECOS PETE

  Yeap. Buck told me all about it. He said back in ’27 it was a right little town. Then they went an’ closed down the mine and there warn’t nuthin’ there no more fer folks to do, I guess. Back around ’29 everything jus’ packed up an’ left. Even Madam Lillie. He reckon as how she went up Albuquerque way. Ain’t heered niothing’ ‘bout her. Bet yer bottom dollar she’s dead and stinkin.

  BILL

  Yes!

  BILL slaps the map on the table.

  BILL (Cont’d)

  Show me where it was.

  PECOS PETE

  Aw, shucks, you kids don’t want to go traipsin’ ‘round thet thar part of de country! Ain’t nuthin’ thar but rattlers an’ coyotes.

  BILL

  Look, we’re … we’re on a scientific expedition. Here – take my marker. Show me where!

  PECOS PETE

  You kids wanna stay away from thet thar place. I ven heered it’s haunted.

  BILL

  I’ll give you fifty dollars if you tell us.

  PECOS PETE

  Naw. I wouldn’t wanna see youa nice younguns get in no trouble. Why, it’s bother my old head somthin’ awful.

  BILL

  I’ll give you a hundred dollars!

  PECOS PETE

  Well, sir, you take this here Route 54 till she gets ta Route 40 an’ keep a’goin’ till ya get ta Albunquerque. Then whut ya do is ya takes this here 25 south an’ keep a’goin’ … keep a’goin’ … till ya gets ta Las Cruces. Once ya gits thar, ya gits on this here 10 ta Deming. Right nice little town, that Deming. Got a little ole café thar run by a feller name of Bakin’ Bob Wakefield. Yiu tell ‘im olf Pecos Pete Gray sent ya an’ he’ll grill up th’ best durn rattle-steal ya even set yore teeth inta!

  BILL

  Yeah, yeah. Where do we go from Deming?