Goldilocks: Blonde Assassin

locks: Blonde Assassin”

  Chris Van Dyk

  Copyright 2013 Chris Van Dyk

  Licensing Statement

  Our Story Begins…

  It was a cold night like any other. Goldilocks—nicknamed for her radiant long hair—fixed her eyes on her target. The tiny thatched cottage lay unassumingly in the heart of the murky forest, touched only by wayward patches of fog illuminated under the pale moonlight.

  All appearances to the contrary, this homey little cottage was the lair of one of the Forest’s greatest crime lords, aptly named “Papa Bear.” His evil syndicate ran illegal operations from Grandma’s House all the way to Blind Mouse Farm. Woodland creatures and would-be fairy tale legends whispered his name in hushed tones in their respective hovels at night, always shivering in terror that one of his minions might overhear and decide to huff and puff their home to the ground before eating them, body and soul.

  Security around the compound was light. Of course it was—Papa Bear knew no one would dare invade his home. He and his ferocious family of carnivorous Kodiaks were a fearsome bunch even without the army of thugs beneath them. No one in the Forest so much as ventured within a few dozen feet of his yard if they could help it.

  No one, except Goldilocks.

  It was five years ago when her father decided to move her and their family to the Forest to try their hand at opening a bakery. The Forest seemed like an odd place to build an industrial kitchen, but it turns out that anthropomorphic creatures are quite fond of confectionary treats. Even more unusual is the fact that they were all using the king’s currency, so they could pay for their goods with legal tender. But that is beside the point. The point is they opened the bakery and talking rabbits enjoyed their pastries, so they were very successful.

  Until Papa Bear learned of a new business not paying its dues on his turf.

  His lead henchman, Big Bad, blew their home to rubble. Goldilocks’ family was obliterated by the blast. As Goldilocks fled the scene like the at-the-time-helpless-child she was, she took refuge at her friend Red’s house. Sadly Red, too, met her demise at Big Bad’s paws when she was eaten alive before Goldilocks’ very eyes.

  Goldilocks had been hiding under the bed while this scene of gratuitous carnage took place. Thankfully for her, Big Bad was also a compulsive transvestite. He quickly lost interest in his quarry when he saw that Red’s deceased grandmother had left her clothes—a perfect fit for him—in the closet. After hours of lying in a dusty shadow and incredibly awkward visuals that would haunt her forever, Big Bad returned to his boss and Goldilocks snuck over the border of the Forest.

  It was then that she met The Little Old Woman Who Lived In an Inexplicably Enormous Piece of Footwear.

  Helen (no one could ever remember her name for a reason) took Goldilocks in—and she took her first step toward gaining her revenge. Helen wasn’t just a typical little old lady with a fetish for giant shoes. She had amassed an army of orphaned children that she trained as part of her Child Soldier Initiative.

  And that was it. For the last five years Goldilocks trained alongside her orphaned comrades and ran missions to uproot wicked witches, subterranean trolls, and evil gold-digging stepmothers.

  At long last the time had come. She didn’t have to catch her breath, control her heart rate, or steady her nerves—as personal as the mission was, it was in fact just another mission. There would be time for celebration later as she and her brothers and sisters in arms feasted on fresh grilled bear burgers.

  A light.

  A light had gone on at the front entrance. Papa Bear, in his enormous bulk with his glowing red eyes and dastardly claws, emerged from the cottage like a small furry mountain. He lumbered down the front walk, leaned his weight back, and scratched himself in the most indignant way possible. When one owns the world, they scratch themselves where they please, when they please.

  His wife and crowning jewel to his empire, Mama Bear, came slinking behind him. She was a graceful creature, more feline than bear-like in her movements. There were rumors that she was actually part Panda and a member of a royal family far away in the East. But whenever rumors like that were uttered within range of her acute ears, her eyes would flash and she would ravenously maul the offender with unparalleled fury that kept even Papa Bear awake at night. She was a sultry, voluptuous creature who would have nothing except her own way.

  Finally, the heir to the Bear Empire emerged. Baby Bear, as he was known to his associates, was the living embodiment of every disagreeable quality a person could possess. He had a group of “friends” he ran around with, all of whom were afraid to do anything other than agree with him for fear of being thrown down a wishing well or meet some other unholy fate. An illiterate beast, he had eaten the last three governesses to whom his care had been appointed. He was a stout, pudgy, mean little sadist who wrought destruction wherever he went, secure in the knowledge that his father was the one and only Papa Bear.

  On this particular evening Papa Bear was in an unusually foul mood. It was late, the midnight hour had already struck, and he still hadn’t heard from his underling, Big Bad. Never missing an opportunity to show off the guns for his wife or to teach his son the trade, he rolled them out of bed and took them along for the closest thing their family could have in terms of a nice evening stroll.

  If only they knew to look in Helen’s underground headquarters. They’d find Big Bad fulfilling his destiny as a handsome throw rug. Furthermore, he looked particularly fabulous on account that Goldilocks had caught him indulging in his guilty pleasures while paying a visit to Red’s former residence.

  Goldilocks knew she didn’t have long. With Papa Bear and his clan safely out of sight, she dropped from her perch in the pear tree and spirited across the yard. She was prepared to pick the lock on the front door, but to her surprise it was unlocked. Not wasting a moment, the young assassin slid through the portal with the grace of a cat.

  Inside the cottage she was immediately greeted by the waft of delicious smells emanating from the kitchen. Ah ha. Apparently the staff had been awakened to prepare a midnight snack for the voluminous Bear Family for their return. Step one would then be to take out the household help.

  Hiding in the shadows, dropping from books shelves, and generally leaping about like a madwoman, Goldilocks managed to chloroform the entirety of the staff. But too much time had passed. After lugging their limp carcasses to lock in a storage closet, she had only minutes left to execute the rest of her plan.

  As she strode to the kitchen, Goldilocks discovered a dining room where three places had been set at a long table. The rumors that the Bear’s marriage might be on the rocks seemed well-placed here as the settings were so far apart that it was hard to imagine that even Papa Bear’s horrid table manners could be detected at such range.

  Going to the head of the table, the young warrior nearly lost her nerve and was all but overcome with emotion. The smell of the porridge from such a range yielded that the monstrous fiend had apparently been using her own mother’s recipes after the poor woman’s demise. Memories of a happy childhood before the life of espionage came flooding back and the tears very nearly fell. Nonetheless, she steeled herself and set to work. A drop of fluid in both Papa and Mama Bears’ bowls that their organization’s lead scientist, The Muffin Man, had cooked up just for this occasion would be all that was necessary.

  When she reached Baby Bear’s bowl she took a deep, steadying breath, and proceeded to ravenously devour his meal. Her plan called for the removal of his food supply, but she wouldn’t allow such nourishment to go to waste.

  Making her way to the living room, she took out her tool kit and set to work making adjustments to the three rocking chairs s
he found there. This part took more time than she anticipated and put her far behind schedule. The Bears would be home any minute!

  Dashing up the stairs with her tools in hand, she immediately began making adjustments to the beds as well. This part of the mission brought new satisfaction to her: evidently the rumors were true. Mama and Papa Bear were sleeping in separate beds. Goldilocks almost giggled at the thought of this being because maybe he had performance issues.

  It was also mildly disturbing that Baby Bear’s bed was located in the same room.

  She was just beginning her work on Baby Bear’s bed when she heard the telltale creak of the front door opening.

  The final stage of the plan had to be adjusted. Goldilocks didn’t fear confrontation, and if the rest of her plan worked out as it should, she’d have every