PS, I Love You, Page 37

  “It’s too soon,” she said, rubbing her face tiredly all of a sudden, feeling so confused. Things for her just seemed to get worse and worse.

  “Too soon because that’s what people have been telling you, or too soon because that’s what your heart’s telling you?”

  “Oh Daniel, I don’t know!” she said, pacing the kitchen floor. “I’m so confused. Please stop asking me so many questions!”

  Her heart beat wildly and her head spun, even her body was telling her this wasn’t a good situation to be in. It was panicking for her, allowing her to see that danger was ahead. This felt wrong, it all felt so wrong. “I can’t, Daniel, I’m married! I love Gerry!” she said in a panic.

  “Gerry?” he asked, his eyes widening as he went over to the kitchen table and grabbed the envelope roughly. “This is Gerry! This is what I’m competing with! It’s a piece of paper, Holly. It’s a list. A list you have allowed to run your life for the past year without having to think for yourself or live your own life. Now you have to think for yourself, right now. Gerry’s gone,” he said gently, walking back over to her. “Gerry’s gone and I’m here. I’m not saying that I could ever take his place, but at least give us a chance to be together.”

  She took the envelope from his hand and hugged it close to her heart as tears rolled down her cheeks. “Gerry’s not gone,” she sobbed. “He’s here, every time I open these, he’s here.”

  There was a silence as Daniel watched her crying. She looked so lost and helpless, he just wanted to hold her. “It’s a piece of paper,” he said, softly stepping closer to her again.

  “Gerry is not a piece of paper,” she said angrily through her tears. “He was a living, breathing human being that I loved. Gerry is the man who consumed my life for fifteen years. He is a million billion happy memories. He is not a piece of paper,” she repeated.

  “So what am I?” Daniel asked quietly.

  Holly prayed that he wouldn’t cry, she didn’t think she could bear it if he cried.

  “You,” she took a deep breath, “are a kind, caring and incredibly thoughtful friend who I respect and appreciate—”

  “But I’m not Gerry,” he interrupted her.

  “I don’t want you to be Gerry,” she insisted. “I want you to be Daniel.”

  “How do you feel about me?” His voice shook slightly.

  “I just told you how I feel about you,” she sniffed.

  “No, how do you feel about me?”

  She stared at the ground. “I feel strongly about you, Daniel, but I need time …” she paused, “… lots and lots of time.”

  “Then I will wait.” He smiled sadly and wrapped his strong arms around her weak body.

  The doorbell rang and Holly silently breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s your taxi.” Her voice shook.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow, Holly,” he said softly, kissing her on the top of her head, and he made his way to the front door. Holly continued to stand in the middle of the kitchen going over and over the scene that had just occurred. She stood there for some time tightly gripping the crumpled envelope close to her heart.

  Still in shock she eventually made her way slowly up the stairs to bed. She slipped out of her dress and wrapped herself in Gerry’s warm, oversized robe. His smell had disappeared. She slowly climbed into bed like a child and tucked herself under the covers and flicked on the bedside lamp. She stared at the envelope for a long time thinking about what Daniel had said.

  The list had become some sort of a bible to her. She obeyed the rules, lived by the rules and never broke any of the rules. When Gerry said jump, she jumped. But the list had helped her. It had helped her get out of bed in the morning and start a new life at a time when all she wanted to do was curl into a ball and die. Gerry had helped her and she didn’t regret one thing she had done in the past year. She didn’t regret her new job or her new friends or any new thought or feeling she had developed all by herself without Gerry’s opinion. But this was the final installment to the list. This was her tenth commandment, as Daniel had phrased it. There would be no more. He was right; she would have to start making decisions for herself, live a life that she felt happy about without holding back and wondering whether or not Gerry would agree with it. Well, she could always wonder, but she needn’t let it stop her.

  When he was alive she had lived through him, and now he was dead and she was still living through him. She could see that now. It made her feel safe, but now she was out on her own and she needed to be brave.

  She took the phone off the hook and switched the power off her mobile. She didn’t want to be disturbed. She needed to savor this special and final moment without interruptions. She needed to say good-bye to Gerry’s contact with her. She was alone now and she needed to think for herself.

  She slowly tore open the envelope, carefully trying not to rip the paper as she slid the card out.

  Don’t be afraid to fall in love again. Open your heart and follow where it leads you … and remember, shoot for the moon …

  PS, I will always love you …

  “Oh Gerry,” she sobbed, reading the card, and her shoulders shook as her body heaved from the pain of her tears.

  She got very little sleep that night and the times she did nod off, her dreams were obscure images of Daniel’s and Gerry’s faces and bodies being mingled together. She awoke in a sweat at 6 a.m. and decided to get up and go for a walk to clear the jumbled thoughts from her head. Her heart felt heavy as she walked along the path of her local park. She had bundled herself up well to protect herself from the stinging cold that whipped at her ears and numbed her face. Yet her head felt hot. Hot from the tears, hot from her headache, hot from her brain working overtime.

  The trees were bare and looked like skeletons lining the pathway. Leaves danced around in circles around her feet like wicked little elves threatening to trip her up. The park was deserted; people had once again gone into hibernation, too cowardly to brave the winter elements. Holly wasn’t brave nor was she enjoying her stroll. It felt like punishment to be out in the icy cold weather.

  How on earth had she found herself in this situation? Just as soon as she was getting around to picking up the pieces of her shattered life, she dropped them all again and sent them scattering. She thought she had found a friend, someone she could confide in. She wasn’t looking to become entangled in some ridiculous love triangle. And it was ridiculous because the third person wasn’t even around. He wasn’t even a possible candidate for the job. Of course she thought of Daniel a lot, but she also thought about Sharon and Denise, and surely she wasn’t in love with them? What she felt for Daniel wasn’t the love she felt for Gerry, it was an entirely different feeling. So perhaps she wasn’t in love with Daniel. And anyway if she were, wouldn’t she be the first person to realize it, instead of being given a few days to “think about it”? But then why was she even thinking about it? If she didn’t love him, then she should come right out and say it … but she was thinking about it … It was a simple yes or no question, wasn’t it? How odd life was.

  And why was Gerry urging her to find a new love? What had he been thinking when he wrote that message? Had he already let go of her before he died? Had it been so easy for him to just give her up and resign himself to the fact that she would meet someone else? Questions, questions, questions. And she would never know the answers.

  After hours of tormenting herself with further interrogations and the freezing cold nipping at her skin, she headed back in the direction of her house. As she walked down her estate, the sound of laughter caused her to lift her gaze from the ground. Her neighbors were decorating the tree in their garden with tiny Christmas lights.

  “Hi, Holly,” her neighbor giggled, stepping out from behind the tree with bulbs wrapped around her wrists.

  “I’m decorating Jessica,” her partner laughed, wrapping the tangled cords around her legs. “I think she’ll make a beautiful garden gnome.”

  Holly smiled sadly as she watched them
laughing together. “Christmas already,” Holly thought aloud.

  “I know,” Jessica stopped laughing long enough to answer. “Hasn’t the year just flown?”

  “Too fast,” Holly said quietly. “It went far too fast.”

  Holly crossed the road and continued on her way to her house. A scream caused Holly to swirl around and see Jessica lose her balance and collapse onto the grass wrapped in a pile of lights. Their laughs echoed down the street and Holly stepped into her house.

  “OK, Gerry,” Holly announced as she stepped into the house. “I’ve been for a walk and I’ve thought deeply about what you said and I have come to the conclusion that you had lost your mind when you wrote that message. If you really really mean it, then give me some sort of sign, and if not I’ll completely understand that it was all a big mistake and that you have changed your mind,” she said matter-of-factly into the air. She looked around the living room waiting to see if anything happened. Nothing did.

  “OK then,” she said happily. “You made a mistake, I understand. I will just disregard that final message.” She looked around the room again and wandered over toward the window. “OK, Gerry, this is your last chance …”

  The lights on the tree across the road flew on and Jessica and Tony danced around the garden giggling. Suddenly the lights flickered and went out again. They stopped dancing and their faces fell.

  Holly rolled her eyes. “I’ll take that as an I don’t know.”

  She sat down at the kitchen table and sipped on a hot mug of tea to thaw out her frozen face. Friend tells you he loves you and dead husband tells you to fall in love again, so you make a cup of tea.

  She had three weeks left at work until she could take her Christmas holidays, which meant that if she had to, she would only have to avoid Daniel for fifteen working days. That seemed possible. She hoped that by the time of Denise’s wedding at the end of December she would have made a decision about what to do. But first she had to get through her first Christmas alone, and she was dreading it.

  Forty-nine

  “OK, WHERE DO YOU WANT me to put it?” Richard panted, dragging the Christmas tree in her living room. A trail of pine needles led all the way out the living room door, down the hall, out the front door and into her car. Holly sighed, she would have to vacuum the house again today to get rid of the mess and she stared at the tree with disgust. They smelled so fresh, but damn, were they messy.

  “Holly!” Richard repeated, and she jumped from her thoughts to face him.

  She giggled, “You look like a talking tree, Richard.” All she could see were his little brown shoes sticking out from underneath the tree resembling a skinny little brown stump.

  “Holly,” he grunted, losing his balance slightly under the weight.

  “Oh sorry,” she said quickly, suddenly realizing that he was about to fall over. “Over by the window.”

  She bit her lip and winced as he sent everything crashing around him while he made his way over to the window.

  “There now,” he said, wiping his hands and stepping back to take a look at his work.

  Holly frowned. “It looks a little bit bare, don’t you think?”

  “Well, you will have to decorate it of course.”

  “Well, I know that, Richard, but I was referring to the fact that it only has about five branches left. It’s got bald patches,” she moaned.

  “I told you to buy a tree earlier, Holly, not leave it until Christmas Eve. Anyway, that was the best of a bad lot; I sold the best ones weeks ago.”

  “I suppose,” Holly frowned. She really didn’t want to get a Christmas tree at all this year. She wasn’t even in the mood to celebrate and it wasn’t as if she had any children in the house to please by putting up decorations. Richard had insisted, though, and Holly felt that she had to help him out with his new Christmas tree–selling venture, in addition to his flourishing landscaping business. But the tree was awful and no amount of tinsel could hide that; looking at it made her wish she had just bought one weeks ago. At least then maybe it would have looked like a real tree instead of a pole with a few pine needles hanging off.

  She couldn’t believe it was Christmas Eve already. She had spent the past few weeks working overtime trying to get the January issue of the magazine ready before they all took their Christmas break. They had eventually finished up the day before, and when Alice had suggested they all go for Christmas drinks at Hogan’s she had politely declined. She still hadn’t spoken to Daniel; she had ignored all of his calls, had avoided Hogan’s like the plague and had ordered Alice to tell him she was in a meeting if he ever called the office. He called the office nearly every day.

  She didn’t intend to be rude, but she needed more time to think things through. OK, so it wasn’t as if he had just proposed to her, but it almost felt like she was thinking over a big decision like that. Richard’s stare snapped her back to reality.

  “Sorry, what?”

  “I said would you like me to help you decorate it?”

  Holly’s heart fell. That was her and Gerry’s job, nobody else’s. Every year without fail they would put the Christmas CD on, open a bottle of wine and decorate the tree …

  “Eh … no, it’s OK, Richard, I’ll do it. I’m sure you’ve better things to be doing now.”

  “Well, actually I would quite like to do it,” he said eagerly. “Usually myself, Meredith and the children do it together, but I missed out on that this year …” He trailed off.

  “Oh.” Holly hadn’t even thought about Richard’s Christmas as being difficult too, she was too selfishly caught up in her own worries.

  “OK then, why not?” she smiled.

  Richard beamed and he looked like such a child.

  “Oh, but the only thing is I’m not too sure where the decorations are. Gerry always used to store them away in the attic somewhere …”

  “No problem,” he smiled encouragingly. “That used to be my job too. I’ll find them.” He bounded up the stairs to the attic.

  Holly opened a bottle of red wine and pressed play on the CD player; Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” played softly in the background. Richard returned with a black sack slung over his shoulder and a dusty Santa hat on. “Ho-ho-ho!”

  Holly giggled and handed him his glass of wine.

  “No no,” he waved his hand, “I’m driving.”

  “You can have one glass at least, Richard,” she said, feeling disappointed.

  “No no,” he repeated, “I don’t drink and drive.”

  Holly threw her eyes up to heaven and knocked back his glass of wine before beginning her own. By the time Richard left she had finished the bottle and was opening another. She noticed the red light flashing on the answering machine. Hoping it wasn’t from who she thought it was, she hit the play button.

  “Hi Sharon, it’s Daniel Connelly here. Sorry to bother you, but I had your phone number from when you called the club months ago about entering Holly into the karaoke. Em … well, I was really just hoping you could pass on a message for me. Denise has been so busy with the wedding arrangements that I knew I couldn’t rely on her to remember …” He laughed slightly and cleared his throat. “Anyway, I was wondering if you could just tell Holly that I’m going down to my family in Galway for Christmas. I’m heading down there tomorrow. I haven’t been able to get through to her on her mobile, I know she’s on holidays from work now and I don’t have her home number … so if you …”

  He got cut off and Holly waited for the next message to be played.

  “Eh, sorry Sharon, it’s me again. Eh … Daniel, that is. I just got cut off there. Yeah, so anyway, if you could just tell Holly that I’ll be in Galway for the next few days and that I’ll have my mobile with me if she wants to reach me. I know she has some things to think about so …” He paused. “Anyway, I better go before I get cut off again. I’ll see you all at the wedding next week. OK thanks … bye.”

  The second message was from Denise telling her that Daniel was look
ing for her, the third message was from her brother Declan also telling her that Daniel was looking for her and the fourth message was from an old school friend who Holly hadn’t seen in years, telling her that she’d bumped into a friend of hers called Daniel in a pub the previous night, which reminded her of Holly, oh yeah, and Daniel was looking for Holly and he wanted her to call him back. The fifth message was from Daniel again.

  “Hi Holly, it’s Daniel here. Your brother Declan gave me your number. I can’t believe we’ve been friends so long and you never gave me your home number, yet I’ve a sneaking suspicion I’ve had it all along without realizing …” There was a silence as he exhaled. “Anyway, I really need to talk to you, Holly. I think it should be in person, and it should be before we see each other at the wedding. Please Holly, please take my calls. I don’t know how else to get to you.” Silence, another deep breath and exhalation. “OK, well, that’s all. Bye.”

  Holly pressed play again, lost in thought.

  She sat in the living room staring at the tree and listening to Christmas songs. She cried. Cried for her Gerry and for her baldy Christmas tree.

  Fifty

  “HAPPY CHRISTMAS, LOVE!” FRANK OPENED the door to a shivering Holly standing on the doorstep.

  “Happy Christmas, Dad,” she smiled, and gave him a big bear hug. She inhaled as she walked around the house. The beautiful smell of pine mixed with wine and Christmas dinner cooking in the kitchen filled her nostrils, and she was hit with a pang of loneliness. Christmas reminded her of Gerry. Gerry was Christmas. It was their special time together when they would hide from the stresses of work and just relax and entertain their friends and family and enjoy their time alone. She missed him so much it gave her a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach.

  She had visited the graveyard that morning to wish him a happy Christmas. It was the first time she had been there since the funeral, and it had been an upsetting morning. No parcel under the tree for her, no breakfast in bed, no noise, no nothing. Gerry had wanted to be cremated, which meant that she had to stand in front of a wall that had his name engraved on it. And she really did feel like she was talking to a wall. However, she had told him about her year and what her plans were for the day, she had told him Sharon and John were expecting a baby boy and they were planning on calling him Gerry. She told him that she was to be his godmother; that she was to be maid of honor at Denise’s wedding. She explained what Tom was like because Gerry had never met him, and she talked about her new job. She didn’t mention Daniel. She had felt peculiar standing there talking to herself. She wanted to get some deep spiritual feeling that he was there with her and listening to her voice, but she really just felt like she was talking to a drab gray wall.