PS, I Love You

  “They’re friends of Conor’s and by the way, this is my house too!” he yelled back.

  Holly placed her fingers on her temples and began to gently massage her head; she had an incredible headache and the music was driving her crazy.

  “Gerry,” she said quietly, trying to stay calm, “I’m not saying that you can’t invite people over. It would be fine if you had planned it in advance and told me. Then I wouldn’t care, but today of all days when I am so so tired,” her voice became weaker and weaker with every word, “I just wanted to relax in my own house.”

  “Oh, every day’s the same with you,” he snapped. “You never want to do anything anymore anyway. Every night you’re the same. You come home in your cranky moods and bitch at me about everything!”

  Holly’s jaw dropped.

  “Excuse me! I have been working hard!”

  “And so have I, but you don’t see me biting your head off every time I don’t get my own way.”

  “Gerry, this isn’t about me getting my own way, this is about you inviting the whole street into our h—”

  “It’s Friday,” he yelled, silencing her. “It’s the weekend! When is the last time you went out? Leave your work behind and let your hair down for a change. Stop acting like such a granny!” And he stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door.

  After spending a long time in the bedroom hating Gerry and dreaming of a divorce, she managed to calm down and think rationally about what he had said. And he was right. OK, he wasn’t right in the way he had phrased it, but she had been cranky and bitchy all month and she knew it.

  Holly was the type of person who finished work at 5 p.m. and had her computer switched off, lights off, desk tidied and was running for her train by 5:01 p.m. whether her employers liked it or not. She never took her work home and never stressed about the future of the business because, quite frankly, she didn’t care, and she phoned in sick as many Monday mornings as possible without running the risk of being fired. But due to a momentary lapse of concentration when looking for new employment, she had found herself accepting an office job that forced her to take paperwork home, to agree to work late and to worry about the business, which she was not happy with at all. How she even managed to stay there for an entire month was anybody’s guess, but nevertheless, Gerry had been right. Ouch, it even hurt to think it. She hadn’t gone out with him or her friends for weeks and she fell asleep the minute her head hit the pillow every night. Come to think of it, that was probably Gerry’s main problem, never mind the bitchiness.

  But tonight would be different. She intended to show her neglected friends and husband that she was still the irresponsible, fun and frivolous Holly who could drink them all under the table and yet manage to walk the white line all the way home. This show of antics began by preparing home cocktails, God only knows what was in them, but they worked their little magic and at eleven o’clock they all danced down the road to the pub where a karaoke was taking place. Holly demanded to be first up and heckled the karaoke host until she got her way. The pub was jammed and that night there was a rowdy crowd who were out on a stag night. It was as though a film crew had arrived in the pub hours earlier and worked away setting the scene for disaster. They couldn’t have done a better job.

  The DJ gave Holly a huge buildup after believing her lies of being a professional singer. Gerry lost all power of speech and sight from laughing so hard but she was determined to show him that she could still let her hair down. He needn’t plan that divorce yet. Holly decided to sing “Like a Virgin” and dedicated it to the man who was getting married the next day. As soon as she started singing, Holly had never heard so many boos in her whole life and at such a loud volume. But she was so drunk she didn’t care and continued on singing to her husband, who seemed to be the only one without a moody face.

  Eventually when people began to throw things at the stage and when the karaoke host himself encouraged them to boo even louder, Holly felt that her work there had been done. When she handed him back the microphone there was a cheer so loud that people from the pub next door came running in. It was all the more people to see Holly trip down the steps in her stilettos and fall flat on her face. They all watched as her skirt went flying over her head to reveal the old underwear that had once been white was now gray, and that she hadn’t bothered to change when she got home from work.

  Holly was taken to hospital to see to her broken nose.

  Gerry lost his voice from laughing so loudly and Denise and Sharon helped matters by taking photographs of the scene of the crime, which Denise then chose as the cover for the invitations to her Christmas party, with the heading “Let’s get pissed!”

  Holly vowed never to do karaoke again.

  Fifteen

  “HOLLY KENNEDY? ARE YOU HERE?” the karaoke host’s voice boomed. The crowd’s applause died down into a loud chatter as everyone looked around in search of Holly. Well, they would be a long time looking, she thought as she lowered the toilet seat and sat down to wait for the excitement to settle so they could move on to their next victim. She closed her eyes, rested her head on her hands and prayed for this moment to pass. She wanted to open her eyes and be safely at home a week from now. She counted to ten, praying for a miracle, and then slowly opened her eyes again.

  She was still in the toilet.

  Why couldn’t she, at least just this once, suddenly find magical powers? It always happened to the American girls in the films and it just wasn’t fair …

  Holly had known this would happen; from the moment she opened that envelope and read Gerry’s third letter, she foresaw tears and humiliation. Her nightmare had come true.

  Outside, the club sounded very quiet and a sense of calm engulfed her as she realized they were moving on to the next singer. Her shoulders relaxed and she unclenched her fists, her jaw relaxed and air flowed more easily into her lungs. The panic was over, but she decided to wait until the next singer began his song before she made a run for it. She couldn’t even climb out the window because she wasn’t on the ground floor, well, not unless she wanted to plummet to her own death. Another thing her American friend would be able to do.

  Outside the cubicle Holly heard the toilet door open and slam. Uh-oh, they were coming to get her. Whoever they were.

  “Holly?”

  It was Sharon.

  “Holly, I know you’re in there, so just listen to me, OK?”

  Holly sniffed back the tears that were beginning to well.

  “OK, I know that this is an absolute nightmare for you and I know you have a major phobia about this kind of thing, but you need to relax, OK?”

  Sharon’s voice was so soothing, Holly’s shoulders once again relaxed.

  “Holly, I hate mice, you know that.”

  Holly frowned, wondering where this little pep talk was going.

  “And my worst nightmare would be to walk out of here to a room full of mice. Now could you imagine me?”

  Holly smiled at the thought and remembered the time when Sharon moved in with Gerry and Holly for two weeks after she had caught a mouse in her house. John, of course, was granted conjugal visits.

  “Yeah, well I would be right here where you are now and nothing in the whole world would bring me out.”

  She paused.

  “What?” the DJ’s voice said into the microphone and then started laughing, “Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that our singer is currently in the toilets.” The entire room erupted in laughter.

  “Sharon!” Holly’s voice trembled in fear. She felt as though the angry mob were about to break down the door, strip her of her clothes and carry her over their heads to the stage for her execution. Panic took over for the third time. Sharon rushed her next sentence. “Anyway, Holly, all I’m saying is that you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. Nobody here is forcing you …”

  “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s let Holly know that she’s up next!” yelled the DJ. “Come on!” Everybody began to stamp their feet and
chant her name.

  “OK, well, at least nobody who cares about you is forcing you to do this,” stammered Sharon, now under pressure from the approaching mob. “But if you don’t do this, I know you will never be able to forgive yourself. Gerry wanted you to do this for a reason.”

  “HOLLY! HOLLY! HOLLY!”

  “Oh Sharon!” Holly repeated again, panicking. Suddenly the walls of the cubicle felt like they were closing in on her; beads of sweat formed on her forehead. She had to get out of there. She burst through the door. Sharon’s eyes widened at the sight of her distraught friend, who looked like she had just seen a ghost. Her eyes were red and puffy with black lines of mascara streaming down her face (that waterproof stuff never works) and her tears had washed all her makeup away.

  “Don’t mind them, Holly,” Sharon said coolly, “they can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

  Holly’s lower lip began to tremble.

  “Don’t!” Sharon said, gripping her by the shoulders and looking her in the eye. “Don’t even think about it!”

  Her lip stopped trembling but the rest of her didn’t. Finally Holly broke her silence. “I can’t sing, Sharon,” she whispered, her eyes wide with terror.

  “I know that!” Sharon said laughing. “And your family knows that! Screw the rest of them! You are never gonna see any of their ugly mugs ever again! Who cares what they think? I don’t, do you?”

  Holly thought about it for a minute. “No,” she whispered.

  “I didn’t hear you, what did you say? Do you care what they think?”

  “No,” she said, a little stronger.

  “Louder!” Sharon shook her by the shoulders.

  “No!” she yelled.

  “Louder!”

  “NOOOOOOOOO! I DON’T CARE WHAT THEY THINK!” Holly screamed so loud the crowd began to quiet down outside. Sharon looked a little shaken, was probably a little deaf, and stood frozen in her place for a while. The two of them smiled at each other and then began to giggle at their stupidity.

  “Just let this be another silly Holly day so we can laugh about it a few months from now,” Sharon pleaded with her.

  Holly took one last look at her reflection in the mirror, washed away her smudged mascara lines, took a deep breath and charged toward the door like a woman on a mission. She opened the door to her adoring fans, who were all facing it and chanting her name. They all began to cheer when they saw her, so she took an extremely theatrical bow and headed toward the stage to the sound of claps and laughter and a yell from Sharon saying, “Screw them!”

  Holly had everybody’s attention now whether she liked it or not. If she hadn’t run into the toilet, the people who were chatting down the back of the club probably wouldn’t have noticed her singing, but now she had attracted even more attention.

  She stood with her arms folded on the stage and stared at the audience in shock. The music started without her even noticing and she missed the first few lines of the song. The DJ stopped the track and put it back to the start.

  There was complete silence. Holly cleared her throat and the sound echoed around the room. Holly stared down at Denise and Sharon for help and her whole table held their thumbs up at her. Ordinarily Holly would have laughed at how corny they all looked, but right then it was strangely comforting. Finally the music began again and Holly held the microphone tightly in her two hands and prepared to sing. With an extremely shaky and timid voice she sang: “What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?”

  Denise and Sharon howled with laughter at the wonderful choice of song and gave her a big cheer. Holly struggled on, singing dreadfully and looking like she was about to burst into tears. Just when she felt like she was about to hear boos again her family and friends joined in with the chorus. “Ooh, I’ll get by with a little help from my friends; yes, I’ll get by with a little help from my friends.”

  The crowd turned to her table of family and friends and laughed and the atmosphere warmed a little more. Holly prepared herself for the high note coming up and yelled at the top of her lungs, “Do you neeeed anybody?” She even managed to give herself a fright with the volume and a few people helped her out to sing, “I need somebody to love.”

  “Do you neeeed anybody?” she repeated and held the microphone out to the crowd to encourage them to sing, and they all sang, “I need somebody to love,” and gave themselves a round of applause. Holly felt less nervous now and battled her way through the rest of the song. The people down the back continued on chatting, the bar staff carried on serving drinks and smashing glasses until Holly felt like she was the only one listening to herself.

  When she had finally finished singing, a few polite tables up front and her own table to the right were the only people to acknowledge her. The DJ took the microphone from her hand and managed to say between laughs, “Please give it up for the incredibly brave Holly Kennedy!”

  This time her family and friends were the only people to cheer. Denise and Sharon approached her with cheeks wet from tears of laughter.

  “I’m so proud of you!” Sharon said, throwing her arms around Holly’s neck. “It was awful!”

  “Thanks for helping me, Sharon,” she said as she hugged her friend.

  Jack and Abbey cheered and Jack shouted, “Terrible! Absolutely terrible!”

  Holly’s mother smiled encouragingly at her, knowing she had passed her special singing talent down to her daughter, and Holly’s father could barely look her in the eye he was laughing so much. All Ciara could manage was to repeat over and over again, “I never knew anyone could be so bad.”

  Declan waved at her from across the room with a camera in his hand and gave her the thumbs-down. Holly hid in the corner at the table and sipped on her water while she listened to everyone congratulating her on being so desperately bad. Holly couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so proud.

  John shuffled over to Holly and leaned against the wall beside her, where he watched the next act onstage in silence. Eventually he plucked up the courage to speak and said, “Gerry’s probably here, you know,” and looked at her with watery eyes.

  Poor John, he missed his best friend too. She gave him an encouraging smile and looked around the room. He was right. Holly could feel Gerry’s presence. She could feel him wrapping his arms around her and giving her one of the hugs she missed so much.

  After an hour the singers had finally finished and Daniel and the DJ headed off to tot up the votes. Everyone had been handed a voting slip as they paid at the door and Holly couldn’t bring it upon herself to write her own name down, so she gave her slip to Sharon. It was pretty obvious that Holly wasn’t going to win, but that had never been her intention. And on the off chance that she did win, she shuddered at the thought of having to return in two weeks’ time to repeat the whole experience. She hadn’t learned a thing from it, only that she hated karaoke even more. Last year’s winner, Keith, had brought along at least thirty of his friends, which meant that he was a sure winner, and Holly doubted very much that her “adoring fans” in the crowd would vote for her.

  The DJ played a pathetic CD of a drumroll as the winners were about to be announced. Daniel took to the stage once again in his black leather jacket and black slacks uniform and was greeted by wolf whistles and screams from the girls. Worryingly, the loudest of these girls was Ciara. Richard looked excited and crossed his fingers at Holly. A very sweet but incredibly naïve gesture, she thought; he obviously didn’t understand the “rules” properly.

  There was a bit of embarrassment as the drumroll began to skip and the DJ rushed over to his equipment to shut it down. The winners were announced undramatically, in dead silence. “OK, I’d like to thank everyone for taking part in tonight’s competition, you provided us all with some terrific entertainment.” That last part was directed at Holly and she slithered down her seat with embarrassment. “OK, so the two people that will be going through to the final are,” Daniel paused for dramatic effec
t, “Keith and Samantha!”

  Holly jumped up with excitement and danced around in a huddle with Denise and Sharon. She had never felt such relief in her life. Richard looked on very confused, and the rest of Holly’s family congratulated her on her victorious loss.

  “I voted for the blond one,” Declan announced with disappointment.

  “That’s just because she had big tits,” Holly laughed.

  “Well, we all have our own individual talents,” Declan agreed.

  Holly wondered what hers were as she sat back down. It must be a wonderful feeling to win something, to know that you have a talent. Holly had never won anything in her life; she didn’t play any sports, couldn’t play an instrument, now that she thought about it, she didn’t have any hobbies or special interests. What would she put down on her CV when she eventually got around to applying for a job? “I like to drink and shop” wouldn’t go down very well. She sipped her drink thoughtfully. Holly had lived her life being interested only in Gerry; in fact, everything she did revolved around him. In a way, being his wife was all she was good at; being his partner was all she knew. Now what did she have? No job, no husband and she couldn’t even sing in a karaoke competition properly, never mind win it.

  Sharon and John seemed engrossed in a heated discussion, Abbey and Jack were gazing into each other’s eyes like love-struck teenagers as usual, Ciara was snuggling up to Daniel, and Denise was … Actually, where was Denise?

  Holly looked around the club and spotted her sitting on the stage swinging her legs and striking a very provocative pose for the karaoke host. Holly’s parents had left hand in hand just after her name wasn’t announced as a winner, which left … Richard. Richard sat squashed beside Ciara and Daniel, looking around the room like a lost puppy and taking a sip from his drink every few seconds out of paranoia. Holly realized she must have looked like him … a complete loser. But at least this loser had a wife and two children to go home to, unlike Holly, who had a date with a microwave dinner.