bone. Inside, I hurried up the stairs and stripped off my wet
clothes. As the hot water dissolved my chills I thought and
thought
After dinner I called Cal and asked him to meet me by the
willow oak the next day after school.
18. Desire
September 20, 1983
Angus and I sat home glumly tonight, thinking about what
we would be doing if we were at home and everything was as it
had been. I can't believe no one here celebrates the harvest,
the richness of the autumn. The closest thing they have is
Thanksgiving in November but that seems to be more about
pilgrims and Indians and turkey.
The summer was blessed: hot, quiet, full of long slow days
and nights filled with the sound of frogs and crickets. My
garden grew magnificently, and I was so proud. The sun and
earth and rain worked their magick without my helping or
asking.
Bridget if fine and fat. She's a champion mouser and can
even catch crickets.
My job is dull but fine. Angus is leaning some beautiful
woodworking. We have little money, but we're safe here.
--M.R.
"I guess you're wondering why I asked you to meet me,"
I said as Cal slid into the front seat of my car on Wednesday
afternoon.
"Because you wanted my body?" he guessed, and then I
was laughing and holding him tightly and he was trying to find
a part of me to kiss that wouldn't hurt. I was ninety percent
better, but my face was still sensitive.
"Try here," I said, tapping my lips gently.
Slowly, carefully, he lowered his mouth to mine and
applied just the slightest pressure.
"Mmmm," I said. Cal pulled back and looked at me.
"Let's get in the backseat," he said.
This seemed like a fine idea. The backseat of the Valiant
was huge and roomy, and we felt comfortable and private as
the November wind blew against the windows and whistled
beneath the car.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, once we were cozily
settled. "Did that arnica help?"
I nodded. "I think it did. The bruises seem to have gone
away really fast"
He smiled and gently touched my temple. "Almost"
I had planned to tell him about what I'd seen yesterday,
but now that we were together, the words flew out of my head.
Contentedly I lay against him, feeling his hands smooth my
skin, and I didn't want to think about following Bree or spying
on her.
"Does this feel good?" Cal asked, sounding sleepy as he
stroked my back. His eyes were closed, his knees were bent his
feet propped on the side door handle.
"Uh-huh," I said. I let my hand roam up and down his firm
chest After a second I undid the top of his shirt I slid my hand
inside.
"Ummm," Cal whispered, and he turned a little so that we
were facing each other, chest to chest He kissed me so gently
and so softly that it didn't hurt a bit.
Then I felt the shocking, hot sensation of my skin against
his and realized our shirts had somehow edged up so that our
stomachs were touching. It felt amazing, and I wrapped my leg
around his hips, feeling the tiny ribs of his brown corduroy
jeans pressing against my thigh through my leggings.
As I pressed myself closer to him I kept thinking, He's the
one, the one, the one. My only one. My muirn beatha dan. The
one meant for me. This was all supposed to happen.
Cal pulled back a little bit then spoke against my cheek.
"Am I the first person you've been close to?"
"Yes," I whispered. I felt his lips smile against my skin,
and he held me tighter.
"I'm not your first person." I stated the obvious.
"No," he said after a moment "Does that bother you?"
"Did you sleep with Bree?" I blurted out then winced,
wanting to erase the words.
Cal looked surprised. "Bree? Why . . ." He shook his head.
"Where did that come from?"
"She told me you did," I said, trying to prepare myself for
the answer, to act like it didn't matter. Gazing at my fingers
resting against his chest I waited to see what he would say.
"Bree told you that she slept with me?" he asked. I
nodded.
"Did you believe her?"
I shrugged, trying to suppress the panicky feeling that
was building inside me. "I didn't know. Bree is gorgeous, and
she usually gets what she wants. I guess it wouldn't surprise
me."
"I don't kiss and tell," Cal said, considering his words. "I
think that stuff should be private."
My heart threatened to explode.
"But I'll tell you this much because I don't want it between us.
Yes, Bree made it clear she was into the idea. But I wasn't
available at the time, so it didn't happen."
I frowned. "Why weren't you available?"
He laughed, brushing back my hair. "I had already seen
you.""And it was witch at first sight" The words just slipped
out I winced, wishing I could take them back.
Cal shook his head, bemused. "What do you mean?"
"Raven and Bree said . . . that you're only with me
because I'm a witch, a strong witch."
"Is that what you believe?" Cal asked, his voice cooler.
"I don't know," I said, starting to feel awful. Why did I
ever begin this conversation?
Cal was silent for a couple of minutes and very still. "I
don't know what the right answer is. Sure, your powers as a
witch are really exciting to me. The idea of us working
together, of helping you learn what I know, is... tantalizing.
And as for the rest I just... think you're beautiful. You're pretty
and sexy, and I'm drawn to you. I don't even understand why
we're having this conversation, after I told you about the muirn
beatha dan." He shook his head.
I was silent feeling like I had dug myself into a hole.
"Could you do me a favor?" he asked.
"What?" I asked, afraid of what he was about to say.
"Could you ignore what other people say?"
"I'll try," I said quietly.
"Could you do me another favor?"
I looked at him.
"Could you kiss me again? Things were just starting to get
interesting."
Laughing, wanting to cry, I leaned down and kissed him.
He held me to him strongly, pressing me against his body from
chest to knees. His hands swept over my back, my sides, and
explored my skin underneath my shirt I felt his fingers smooth
over the small birthmark I have under my right arm, feeling its
raised edges.
"I've always had that," I whispered. He hadn't seen it but
it was a rose pink mark about an inch and a half long. I had
always thought it looked like a small dagger. It made me smile
to think of it now: I could say it looked like an athame.
"I love it," Cal murmured, feeling it again. "It's part of
you." Then he kissed me again, sweeping me away on a tide of
emotion.
"Think about magick," Cal whispered, and my scattered
thoughts couldn't comprehend his meaning. He conti
nued
touching me, and he said, "Magick is a strong feeling, and this
is a strong feeling. Put them together."
If I had tried talking just then, it would have come out as
gibberish. But inside my mind, his words strung together and
made some sort of dim sense. I thought about how I felt when
I made magick or gathered magick: that feeling of power, of
completion, of being connected to things, being part of the
world. With Cal's hands on me I felt a similar and yet very
different sensation: it, too, was power and a kind of gathering,
but it was also like a door leading somewhere else.
And then I got it. It all came together. Our mouths
together, our breaths wreathing themselves together, our
minds in tune with each other, my hands on his skin, his hands
on mine, and it felt almost like we were in a circle, when the
energy is all around, there for the taking.
There was energy surrounding us, wrapping us together,
and my shirt was pushed up, my breasts against the warm skin
of his chest, and we were holding each other tightly and
kissing, and magick sparked. Any words I said then would be a
spell. Any thought I had would be a magickal directive.
Anything I called to me would come.
It went way beyond exhilarating.
When we stopped and I opened my eyes, it was dark
outside. I had no idea of what time it was and glanced at my
watch to see I was late for dinner.
Groaning, I pulled down my shirt
"What time is it?" Cal murmured, his fingers already
reaching for his buttons.
"Six-thirty," I said. "I have to go."
"Okay."
As I reached for the door, he pulled me back against him
so I sat in his lap.
"That was incredible," he whispered, kissing my cheek. He
gave me a big grin. "I mean, that was incredible!"
I laughed, still feeling powerful as he opened the car
door. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said. "And I'll think about you
tonight"
He headed back to his own car. As I climbed into the front
seat of Das Boot and started the engine, emotion almost
overwhelmed me.
It was only late that night, when I was lying in bed, that I
remembered that I'd never told him about the blond witch.
On Thursday morning the only parking spot was right
behind Breezy, Bree's sleek BMW I thought about how easy it
would be for my car to crush hers, then I smiled wryly at
having such a mean, unmagickal thought
"You look different," Mary K. said as I carefully
maneuvered my car into the spot She peered into the
passenger-side makeup mirror and reapplied her lip gloss.
I glanced at her, startled. Had she seen me in the car with
Cal yesterday? "What do you mean?"
"Your bruises are a lot better," said Mary K. She looked
out her car window. "Oh God, there he is."
My eyes narrowed at the sight of Bakker Blackburn
skulking around the life sciences building, obviously waiting for
Mary K.
"Mary K., he tried to hurt you," I reminded her.
She bit her lip, looking at him. "He's so sorry," she
muttered.
"You can't trust him." I gathered up my backpack, and we
opened our doors.
"I know," my sister said, looking at him. "I know." She
moved off to see some of her girlfriends, and I headed for the
coven hangout
"Morgan." Raven's voice reached me from a few feet
away. I looked over to see her and Bree striding along beside
me. I didn't say anything.
"Your face is looking more normal" said Raven snidely.
"Did you do a magick spell to fix it? Oh, wait, you're not
supposed to, right?"
I just kept on walking. So did they. I realized Raven and
Bree were going to follow me all the way to the east door.
Jenna and Matt saw us first Then Cal met my eyes and
gave me an intimate smile, which I returned. His gaze grew
cold when he saw Bree and Raven behind me.
"Hi, guys," said Jenna, with her usual friendliness. "Bree,
how's it going?"
"Peachy keen," Bree said sarcastically. "Everything's
great How about you?"
"Fine," said Jenna. "I haven't had an asthma attack all
week" Her eyes flicked to me, and I looked down.
"Really?" said Raven.
"Hey, Bree," called Seth Moore. He loped up to us, his
baggy pants long around his ankles.
"Hi," said Bree, making that one word sound like a promise.
"Why didn't you call me last night?"
"Didn't know I was supposed to," he said. "Tell you
what—- I'll call you twice tonight" He looked jubilant at this
clear sign of approval and shifted his feet, looking at Bree.
"Its a date," she said in a smarmy, come-hither voice that
anyone with two brain cells to rub together would see right
through.
"Knock it off, Bree," Robbie said suddenly. Everyone else
seemed surprised, but I remembered the look I'd seen on his
face that day in the gym.
"Whaaat?" Bree looked at him with wide eyes. "Knock it
off," he said, sounding bored and angry. "It's not a date. Seth,
take a hike. You won't be calling her."
We were all staring at Robbie, whose face was set and
stiff with dislike.
Seth met his stare. "Who the hell are you?" he asked
belligerently. "Her dad?"
Robbie shrugged, and I realized how tall he was, how
heavy. He looked pretty formidable and made Seth seem slim
"Robbie!" Bree snapped, her hands on her hips. "Who do
you think you are? I can go out with anyone I want! God,
you're worse than Chris!"
Robbie looked down at her. "Stop it, Bree," he said more
quietly. "You don't want him." He held her gaze for a long time.
I glanced at Jenna, and she raised an eyebrow.
Bree opened her mouth as if to speak, but no words came
out She seemed almost mesmerized.
"Hey!" said Seth. "You don't own her! You can't tell her
who she wants!"
Slowly Robbie raised his eyes and looked at Seth like he f
was an insect "Whatever," he said again, then he turned and
walked into the school building as the bell rang.
For one startled moment Bree watched him leave, then
she quickly looked at me, and it was like old times when we
could pass a wealth of information in one second. Then she
turned, and Raven snickered, and the two of them walked
away. Seth stood there, looking dumb, and finally turned and
headed off, muttering under his breath.
"She sure can pick *em," Sharon said brightly. Cal took
my hand.
"Yeah," I said, wondering exactly what we had just
witnessed. "And they can pick her, too."
19. Sky and Hunter
March 11, 1984
We have conceived a child. We were not trying to, but it
happened, anyway. For the last two weeks I have been trying
to find the strength to have an abortion so this child will never
know the pain that we have seem in this life. But I cannot.
I am
not strong enough. So the child rests in my womb, an d I will
give birth sometime in November.
It will be a girl, and she will be a witch, but I will not
teach her the craft. It is no longer a part of my life, nor will it
be a part of my child's. We will name her Morgan, for Angus's
mother. It is a strong name.
--M.R.
On Friday night Cal and I had a date. We were going to a
movie with Jenna, Matt, Sharon, and Ethan.
Sharon picked me up—we were meeting Cal at his house.
At seven o'clock she pulled her Mercedes Into my driveway and
honked the horn.
"Bye!" I yelled, slamming the door behind me.
When I got to the car, I saw that Ethan was in the front
seat, so I climbed into the back. Sharon roared out of my
driveway and hung a fast left onto Riverdale.
"Do you have to drive like a crazy person?" Ethan said,
lighting a cigarette.
"Don't you dare make my car smell like an ashtray!"
Sharon said, spinning the wheel and stepping on the gas.
Ethan cracked the window and expertly blew out smoke.
"Um, Ethan?" I said. "It's freezing back here."
Ethan sighed and tossed his cigarette out the window,
where it hit the street with a thousand tiny orange sparks.
"Now you litter," Sharon said. "Very nice."
"Morgan's cold," Ethan said, rolling up his window. "Turn
on her automatic butt warmer back there."
"Morgan?" Sharon asked, looking in the rearview mirror.
“So you want the seat warmer?”
"No, thanks," I said, trying not to laugh.
"How about the vibrator?" Ethan asked. "Hey, watch it!
You were two inches away from that truck!"
"I was fine" Sharon said, rolling her eyes. "And there's no
vibrator in this car."
"You left it at home?" Ethan asked innocently, and I
cracked up while Sharon tried to punch Ethan as hard as she
could without having an accident. I wished they would just
start going out, but I wasn't sure Sharon had even realized
how much she liked Ethan yet.
Amazingly, we made It to Cal's in one piece and saw
Matt's Jeep already parked in the driveway, along with at least
twelve other cars.
"Cat's mom must be having a circle," Sharon said.
I hadn't seen Selene Belltower since the night she had helped
calm my fears, and I wanted to thank her again. Cal let us in,
kissing me hello, and took us back to the kitchen, where Matt
was drinking a seltzer and Jenna was on the phone to the
theater.