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    The Book of Unnecessary Quotation Marks

    Page 2
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      “U” like it. Kind of like another version of you, but with worse taste.

      Lots of items on this menu seem just a little bit … off.

      Traveling across the country—or even close to home—offers a great opportunity to open your eyes to new sights, sounds, and surprising uses of quotation marks. Along the way, you’ll get to experience the quirky slogans and creative puns of the open road.

      Billboards and businesses along the highway have long honed the art of using the quotation mark to make unsettling and confusing statements.

      Vasectomy: exactly as hard as you think.

      Wait, turn “right” here? As in “right,” or as in “right here, to the left”? Well, whatever. These steaks are only okay.

      This restaurant offers cooking just like someone’s drug-addled mom used to make.

      SPREAD THE WORD, PEANUTS CARRY PATHOGENS!

      Their definition of “all” and “major” may be different from yours.

      “Microwave” is hotel lingo for “nonfunctioning TV.”

      Hot dogs available during certain hot dog hours.

      Just “love” them all over the place.

      Makes you wonder where Wings Things “A” through “M” are located.

      “What” is a word you might say upon seeing how this sign is punctuated.

      WHEN TRAVELING ON SCENIC COUNTRY ROADS, PASS THE TIME BY OBSERVING THE QUAINT, LOCAL USES OF THE QUOTATION MARK.

      “Carts” here is a euphemism for something more exciting—probably dirt bikes.

      “Open to the public” does not necessarily mean that YOU are good enough to come here. I mean, obviously.

      They came out of a chicken’s rear end, so that makes them eggs, right?

      As you’re driving along, pay attention to the vehicles and smaller signs around you—they are hidden treasure troves of quotation mark abuse!

      Please get this paint all over yourself. They’re talking to you, ladies!

      Now you don’t have to come inside to steal gas.

      If you pull on it, you might find out it’s not made of concrete.

      Okay, not if you walked.

      What are those guys really doing to the lemons? Fondling? Pinching?

      Those smiles sure do look “helpful.”

      When it comes to price negotiations, she doesn’t seem so ladylike.

      Look out for Freudian slips near this sign.

      Capt. “Ron’s” real name is probably a girl’s name.

      You’re never getting to the food and ale.

      NEVER! BWAHAHAHA!

      So just leave things on the floor, in other words.

      THE PARKING GARAGE, BASTION OF UNNECESSARY QUOTATION MARKS:

      You’re never going to “exit,” since the “elevator” is an empty shaft that will plunge you to your death.

      This sign is daring you to ram through the gate.

      Hear that? That’s the sign calling you a wimp.

      This sign commemorates a great conversation some people had here once.

      YOU REALLY “CAN’T” PARK IN ANY OF THESE PLACES:

      JUST KIDDING! PLEASE PARK HERE, I INSIST.

      “The facilities” are frequently full of passive-aggressive commentary and statements of the obvious. Inevitably, some “rest” rooms use the opportunity to create subtle innuendo through the use of punctuation.

      Ok, a few.

      The automatic “flush” leaves something to be desired.

      You can just hold it and we are not really sorry.

      This bathroom offers a little dialogue for you to perform with your fellow bathroom visitors.

      Naturally, you shouldn’t turn it so far that it actually comes off.

      The water that is labeled “hot” is labeled “hot” because it is “hot.” Did you know?

      I mean, once it’s full of diapers and towels, can you really call it a “trash can” anymore?

      Please pantomime flushing the toilet.

      Oh, did we say toilets? We meant “receipts.”

      IN THIS PARTICULAR BATHROOM, ALL VERBS “ARE” IN QUOTATION MARKS:

      Tinkling and taking a leak, on the other hand, are totally acceptable.

      You can just imagine you’ve used them, if you like.

      Being a good “friend,” “neighbor,” “sibling,” “child,” “tenant,” and “acquaintance” is hard. Harder still is interpreting what the people in your life are trying to tell you at any given moment through the guise of politeness.

      HERE’S A USEFUL LESSON IN SAYING SOMETHING, BUT NOT MEANING IT.

      … AS YOU CAN SEE, ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE “REALLY” “SINCERE.”

      We’re all “friends” here. It’s not creepy at all.

      You know, we don’t “need” roommates really, we just want one—we can quit anytime.

      They are pretending that you already knew that. This way they seem less like jerks for telling you to leave your burger outside.

      They have used mowers and more used mowers.

      Activities that may qualify as “putting away” dishes: breaking, hiding, and putting more food on them.

      This sign is giving you license to do a poor job of cleaning the things that you use.

      In this neighborhood, the polite term for hobos is “raccoons.”

      Yep—sure sounds like something Plastic would say.

      This “buzzer” makes a variety of nonbuzz sounds. Like awoooogas and fart noises and “La Cucaracha.”

      The Commissariat is known for his mind-blowing raves … er … “Garden Parties.”

      Because of the artful use of quotation marks, this sign can be tailored to apply to lots of things lost on 7-27-09, not just keys. For instance, “keys” could just be slang for puppies. Or identities.

      “To All Residents” is such a classic poem. That’s why they put it on the wall.

      Just tip us, you jerks.

      “It’s paradise.”

      Sometimes a special occasion demands special punctuation. And the good ol’ quotation mark is here to make all your seasonal greetings delightfully ambiguous.

      Well, in a manner of speaking, they belong to the whole country.

      Now being held on the 23rd of November.

      If you call hockey players champions.

      Every day is a fake holiday when you pay money for it.

      Those “special” “Valentine’s” drinks “don’t” have roofies in them.

      It’s fine, just tell your senile mother today is Mother’s Day—she won’t know you forgot.

      Nothing says “Happy Father Day” like doubt about paternity!

      “Remember” that time you thought a photo on a cake was appetizing?

      We don’t really want to be polite about this.

      Sometimes people hedge their bets on religions by putting the important figures in quotation marks.

      There are some instances of unnecessary quotation marks that defy categorization. Embrace the mystery.

      No role-playing allowed behind the counter in this establishment.

      Certain schools have strict “no drugs in the gym” policies.

      A pretend salon.

      You wimps. It’s actually just somewhat slippery.

      Yeah, I always smell things when somebody says “This is fragrant. SMELL IT!!!”

      Does size matter for wolves?

      A flooded basement isn’t technically a pool.

      Possible ways to “inform” a driver of your stop: think it at her, make a small gesture, or write a note in Braille and leave it on your seat.

      The lobsters have actually been prerecorded.

      Sure … it’s the hose connection. For the fire department.

      Or is it? Just kidding. Or am I?

      Either Mexican “laws” are very flexible or “Law” is the nickname of a vigilante who enforces drug trafficking south of the border.

      Nothing says “we take our workers’ safety seriously” like dismemberment puns!

      Cheat at score keeping, win a gift card.

      Or whatever this is—it sure smudges like glass.


      Finally get even with that guy you think is your dad.

      Check to make sure the water is as low as possible before pushing someone off the diving board.

      Some food or drinks allowed.

      Really, it’s “THE” bldg.

      There’s nothing quite as “hot” as stained glass elephants.

      We are just going to not ask and not tell who is doing drugs.

      These souvenirs have “something” to do with the state fair.

      A good place to “show off” horrible wood paneling and ugly brown wall-to-wall.

      It kind of depends on the question, right?

      If you call that winning.

      Hey, is that a fat joke?

      Acne AND spots? Sure sounds like a “treat.”

      The opportunity to work on this book is just one example of the ways one punctuation mark has made my life strange but also fun. I would like to express my appreciation for some of the people who made it possible for this book to be produced.

      I am blessed with so many family members and “families” who keep me sane (usually) and deserve my thanks for any successes I have. My parents, Robert and Laura, whose excellent sense of humor I inherited, have been helpful and supportive on all of my projects. My siblings, Meredith, Bryan, and Lynnae, are also pretty funny and awesome. I’m glad to be marrying Justin Jonker, who helps me come up with jokes, keeps me from stressing out, and loves me even when I’m annoying. Speaking of people who put up with me when I’m annoying, thanks to my roommate Jamie Landau, my officemates in Terrell Hall 226, and the rest of my academic community at UGA. Y’all rock. Thanks also to my church family in Athens, Georgia, and to my new in-laws, the Jonkers.

      I owe a serious debt of gratitude to my literary agent, Kate McKean; my editor, Emilie Sandoz; Jacob Gardner; Erin Thacker; Becca Cohen; and the other fine professionals at Chronicle Books. All of these people are very good at their jobs and make mine easier.

      Finally, huge thanks to the thousands of Internet strangers who read the “Blog” and send me their pictures. Without all of you, this book would literally not exist. This is especially true of the hundreds of people whose high-quality, high-hilarity finds appear in this book. Their names, and a few whose images got cut, are found here. Working on this book and maintaining the “blog” has taught me that strangers can be generous, funny, and encouraging. Even on the scary Internet. Thanks for that.

      Douglas Aldridge

      Alastair Alexander

      Peter Allendorfer

      Gene Anderson

      Michelle Atkins

      Adrian Bailey

      Lelah Baker-Rabe

      Kate Baldwin

      Kristin Bamberger

      Cassie Barnum

      Turi Becker

      Benjamin L. Begley

      Bethany Benzur

      Brian R. Bernardini

      Sean Biehle

      Jill Blaeser

      Angela D. Blair

      Kate Borders

      Bob Bowden

      Kristen Brown

      Matthew Budman

      Sarah Bunker

      Alexander Burun

      Darren Bush

      Steven Camilli

      Brenda Campbell

      Jen Carmichael

      Alex Carmichael

      Blake Carver

      Joey Cavella

      Jason A. Cerrato

      Sarah Chverchko

      Kathryn Clagett

      Andy Clinton

      David E. Cochran

      Bill Cokas

      Hannah Coleman

      Diane Cousineau

      Krista and Karen Cukrowski

      Meghann M. Cuniff

      Pedro Curi

      Carlos d’Abrera

      Ron Davis

      Danny Davis

      Susan Debacker

      Jeff Demetriou

      Erin Demund

      Gregor Dodson

      Claire Donnelly

      Ryan “M” Donovan

      Weston Dulaney

      Meg Eckman

      Maureen Egan and Matthew Barry

      Robin Eiseman

      John Eklund

      Emily

      Kristin Engel

      Maggie Enright

      Jamye Evelyn

      Jennifer Faer

      Wylie Fisher

      Benjamin Flight

      Ela Majikfaerie Forest

      Katharine Foster

      Janella Fox

      William Fraser

      Cheryl Freer

      Bill Fuhry

      David Galloway

      Valerie Gartland

      Erik Gensler

      Susie Ghahremani

      Michael Gorman

      Margo Greenlaw

      Christa Grieco

      Natalie Guest

      Paul Hallows

      Jennifer A. Hanscomb

      Caroline Harris

      Ethan Hazzard-Watkins

      BJ Heinley

      Benjamin Hill

      Jon Hoffman

      Eric Homan

      Marcy K. Hosket

      Camille Janer

      Neal Jennings

      Kiersten Jeske

      Anne DeMarsh Johnson

      Richard Johnston

      Emily Jones

      Rusty Kahl

      Blake Kanewischer

      Jennifer Karmel

      Meredith Keeley

      Jonathan Khoo

      Penelope Klein

      Sarah Baird Knight

      Terry Lee Knight

      Simone Kovago

      Eric Kramer

      Sara Kruger

      April Krukowski

      Jonathan Kunberger

      Jennifer Lambert

      Mandy Langston

      Joshua W. Levy

      Danielle Lindemann

      Lisa

      Joey Litman

      Jennifer Madsen

      Ryan Mallady

      Joanna Mang

      Mindy Maris

      Barry D. Marsh

      Tim Masterton

      Drew Maust

      Eileen McAuslan

      Margaret McDonald

      Stacey McLachlan

      Katy Miller

      Alison J. Mills

      Caron Mitchell

      Karen Moore

      Heather Mroczkowski

      Ariana Myers

      Karin Myhre

      Amanda Nelis

      Michelle Neuman

      Jeff Newton

      Matthew M. Nordan

      Danielle Nuchereno

      Nick O.

      James Page

      David Paris

      Kay Partain

      Tom Partington

      Katie Pegoraro

      Angela Perkins

      Bettina Pickett

      Bryan Pohl

      Lorie Popp

      Nicole Reader

      Bill Rehm

      Sarah Reid

      Meredith L. Reynolds

      Laura Rheinheimer

      Jeff Richards

      Carson Rittel

      Hayley Heller Ritz (Jenny’s Mom)

      Guillaume Roberts

      Leah Rodgers

      Jason Rose

      David G. Rupert

      Alex Schiller

      Angela Schneider

      scrabblehound

      Jennifer Shepherd

      Deanne Schulz

      Bianca Siegl

      David Silverstein

      Aksel Inge Sinding

      Ofer Sivan

      Zach and Brittany Smith

      Liz Smith

      Kimmy Snyder

      Logan Sobonya

      Cina Sorensen

      Karie Spaetzel

      Pat Spellman

      Lori Stelma

      Molly Beth Strijkan

      Sully Syed

      Angela T.

      Jacqueline Temkin

      Amanda Terkel

      Kayla Terry

      Mica Wickersham Thomas

      Matthew Thompson

      Ric Timmers

     


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