Let Me Alone

  LET ME ALONE

  The mother of ‘Anna’ in this novel dies in childbirth, and she is brought up by her father and a governess in a remote Pyrenean village. When she is thirteen her father shoots himself and she is adopted by a rich, beautiful and ruthless aunt who sends her to boarding school. She forms friendships at the school but her freedom is abruptly curtailed when the aunt forces her into a loveless marriage. She comes to detest her husband and his bourgeois family but cannot break away and finds herself marooned with him in Burma where the story climaxes.

  An early work from Anna Kavan – published originally under the name Helen Ferguson – Let Me Alone strongly evokes life in Britain and its colonies from the early years of the century through the period following the First World War. More straightforward than her more famous later novels, Let Me Alone is nevertheless fascinating for its hint of the personal stresses that were to inform many of her uncompromising storylines.

  ANNA KAVAN, née Helen Woods, was born in Cannes in 1901 and spent her childhood in Europe, the USA and Great Britain. Her life was haunted by her rich, glamorous mother, beside whom her father remains an indistinct figure. Twice married and divorced, she began writing while living with her first husband in Burma and was initially published under her married name of Helen Ferguson. Her early writing consisted of somewhat eccentric ‘Home Counties’ novels, but everything changed after her second marriage collapsed. In the wake of this, she suffered the first of many nervous breakdowns and was confined to a clinic in Switzerland. She emerged from her incarceration with a new name, Anna Kavan, the protagonist of her 1930 novel Let Me Alone, as well as an outwardly different persona and a new literary style. She suffered periodic bouts of mental illness and long-term drug addiction – she had become addicted to heroin in the 1920s and continued to use it throughout her life – and these facets of her life feature prominently in her work. She destroyed almost all of her personal correspondence and most of her diaries, therefore ensuring that she achieved her ambition to become ‘one of the world’s best-kept secrets’. She died in 1968 of heart failure, soon after the publication of her most celebrated work, the novel Ice.

  PREFATORY NOTE

  ANNA KAVAN found an apt title for this novel, first published in 1930 under the name of Helen Ferguson. Let Me Alone is an account, from childhood, of isolation in a woman and of her compulsive retreat from any association, especially marriage, that might impinge upon the strange, austere loneliness and solitude she both wanted and mortally dreaded: a schizophrenic condition. She marries – the wrong man inevitably – with predictably disastrous consequences.

  This 1930 novel brings to mind today’s Women’s Liberation movement, with its demands for independence of mind and spirit for women. ‘She wanted to go through life alone, in her own independent, detached fashion,’ the heroine meditates, before marrying. ‘The idea of being bound up with another person in such a relationship as marriage was hateful to her.’ After the marriage, she is reading a Life of Luther when ‘… from the midst of the printed page, there suddenly sprang out at her these words: “Here I stand; I can no other,” a great enlightenment came to her, a sudden illumination. In a moment everything was made plain to her…. How easy and simple to face life from the single basis of her own undeniable individuality. She was what she was: herself. No need for compromise or apology or modification or defence.’

  All very well if one is content with isolation and able to encrust oneself with a satisfactory crab’s shell. The heroine of Let Me Alone makes her efforts to be absorbed in other people. But the three men in her life fail her – her father, her husband and the hesitant, would-be lover, Findlay. She falters towards lesbianism; one of the best scenes in the novel describes her hopeless return to the erstwhile devoted girl, Sidney, and Sidney’s acutely perceptive rejection of her.

  A Brontë influence seems to pervade the early part of this novel: the sombre father might have been imagined by Charlotte or Emily. Later, more than a hint of the D. H. Lawrence of Women in Love pervades its language, with obsessional repetitions of certain key words. In the finely written last part, the identity of the future Anna Kavan emerges clearly, especially in the hallucinatory power of the great rainstorm in Burma, coinciding with the final collapse of the ill-starred marriage.

  The name Helen Ferguson, used for the earlier novels, was to be discarded, and the author began to use that of Anna Kavan (the married name of the protagonist of Let Me Alone) for the later books by which she is better known. As I have related in my Introduction to her posthumous collection of stories, Julia and the Bazooka (Peter Owen, 1970), she adopted the latter name by deed poll, following two retreats to mental hospitals, after which she changed not only her name and mode of living but also, somewhat remarkably, her personal appearance. Her vitality remained unimpaired; even her daily recourse to heroin – for some thirty years – as an escape from her conflicts, did not bring drastic physical damage until her last year or so. There had been two failed marriages. She lived until she was 67, and did not cease writing novels and short stories. She achieved the isolation and independence she wanted, but not an impervious shell.

  RHYS DAVIES

  CHAPTER 1

  JAMES FORRESTER, the father of Anna-Marie, was a peculiar man. He belonged to the technical hierarchy of gentlemen. That is to say that he had received a lengthy and expensive education from which all utilitarian subjects had been carefully excluded; that he had been born into a class of people who spoke, ate, dressed and usually thought in the same prescribed manner, who were dominated by certain fixed ideas – chief among them being the conviction of their own intrinsic superiority – and who considered most activities, physical or intellectual, not only undesirable but disgusting.

  But James was disquietingly untrue to type. He would not hunt with the pack: in fact, he would not hunt at all. He had ‘ideas.’

  ‘He’s picked them up at Cambridge,’ said his father, making excuses for his son’s damning departure from the gentlemanly intellectual norm. ‘He’ll grow out of them.’

  Not that anyone knew what James’s ideas really were. He never spoke of them. Indeed, he had very little to say on any subject. He was a silent young man.

  His father, who was proud of him, proud of his intellectual record at the university (though secretly a little disappointed that it was not a sporting one) tried to draw him out. But James would not be drawn. He was always perfectly polite to the old man, perfectly reserved and perfectly discouraging. His father began to lose heart in the face of his suave unapproachableness. Nevertheless, he tried perseveringly to interest his son in the estate, which was his own last absorbing passion. The young man courteously but firmly refused to be interested. When questioned and driven into an argumentative corner, he replied quietly that it struck him as slightly degrading that man – who after all was an independent thinking animal – should allow his whole life to be dominated by and devoted to his possessions.

  His father then left him alone.

  James was unsociable. He fled from the society of his father’s friends, whom he disliked, to the society of his inferiors, whom he disliked even more, and from whom in turn he fled to solitude. In spite of his habitual cold politeness, he was occasionally extremely rude to members of his own class, for whom he felt a curious blend of sympathy and contempt. He was essentially one of them; and he knew it. If he could not tolerate them, at least, most certainly, he could tolerate no one else; and if he despised them he despised himself also. He was at once an aristocrat and a revolutionary, the hater and the hated. An unfortunate combination.

  People put up with his eccentricities remarkably well, partly on account of his prospective wealth and partly because of his appearance, which was rather distinguished. He was always the best-dr
essed person in the room.

  When he was twenty-seven his father died, discouraged. Since he could do no more for him, he left his son a large fortune.

  James’s first action was to sell the estate; an act that would have broken the old man’s heart. He then proceeded, with a certain methodical determination, to spend his father’s money. Eight years later he had practically succeeded, when he suddenly and incomprehensibly married a penniless girl of semi-Austrian parentage.

  James Forester was now thirty-five years old and looked considerably older. He was tall and thin, with a cold, stern, grey face and smooth grey hair. He looked like a statesman. His manner was chilly, aloof, arrogant and repelling. He had no friends and he disliked everyone. He liked mountains, however; he was also fond of the sea and of the earth as a whole: ‘Where every prospect pleases, and every man is vile,’ as he sometimes mis-quoted.

  Nevertheless, he was sufficiently attracted by Lise to marry her. It was almost a clandestine marriage. Lise’s Austrian mother did not approve of James. But she tolerated him because of his distinguished appearance and his reputed fortune, into which, being a lady of casual temperament, she did not trouble to inquire. In point of fact it was already practically non-existent.

  The couple lived opulently enough upon credit until the birth of Anna-Marie some eighteen months later. Thereupon, Lise, conveniently, or perhaps inconveniently, died; and it became known that James was no longer a rich man.

  He himself caused the news to be spread about Europe, where in the course of nine years’ extravagances he had achieved a considerable reputation. If anything, he exaggerated the rumours of his ruin. He was a moral extremist. If he could not be a Crœsus he would be a pauper. And he derived a certain ironic satisfaction from contemplating the complete dissipation of his father’s carefully nursed inheritance.

  The family of Lise was indignant. They consoled themselves, however, with the thought that they had never approved of the marriage. And they prepared to receive the motherless infant.

  But now the aggravating eccentricity of James’s character manifested itself. He refused to part with the child. To an impressive old lady of the impoverished Austrian nobility, and a very charming young one who was Lise’s sister, he courteously and determinedly announced his intention of keeping the baby himself. And finally they had to go away, beaten. Though anything more incongruous than the association of an infant in arms with this cold, severe, grey-faced man would be difficult to imagine.

  Why did he want the child? Perhaps only from the perverse desire to annoy them all; perhaps from some dubious secret feeling of responsibility; perhaps from some motive still darker and more obscure. In any case, his mind was made up.

  A Miss Wilson appeared; one of those inevitable middle-aged British spinsters who always seem to be at hand where a baby is concerned, ready and eager to devote to its care thankless years of unprofitable self-sacrifice. Miss Wilson was like all the rest, inconspicuous and unassertive, with timid, pale eyes in her sharp, pale face. She was terrified of James and devoted to Anna.

  With the last remnant of his fortune James bought a small farm in the eastern Pyrenees. He was fond of mountains; and the district was rough, wild, unfrequented by tourists, and very far from anywhere where an old lady of the Austrian nobility would be likely to travel. The place was called Mascarat.

  It was very different from any of his previous residences: a strong old Spanish-looking farm with rough wood floors and whitewashed walls, and the sloping wall of the mountain bordering the small domain. At the back of the house, beyond the vineyard, grew almond and cherry trees, and there was a bright ribbon of water in the stony ravine. In front were two more vineyards and a stretch of grass-land running down to the little chestnut-forest beyond the stream. At the far end of the valley the mountains stood up, blue and rather unreal, fold after fold, seventeen separate slopes rising one behind another, to the vast, dim, improbable peaks of snow that floated like strange white scarves upon the distant blueness.

  Here was Anna’s home, her earliest consciousness, this rough, dark, lonely house; this great wild background of mountains pale or brilliant in the sun, or blackly threatening in the stormy weather, the noisy water and the yellow vineyards, the theatrical splendour of the shadow-pale, far-off snows.

  And this was the home of James Forrester, the man whose wealth and extravagance had almost become a legend, the man who had lived like a prince in every European capital, who had bought and tired of half-a-dozen great houses.

  Sometimes, as he stood on the rocky, bush-grown slope, and looked at Mascarat lying like an insignificant patch on the huge tapestry of mountain and forest, he smiled to himself, a thin, inward smile of extreme ironic bitterness mingled with a semi-masochistic satisfaction. He had tried the life of the world, the life of luxury and wealth, and he had had no pleasure in it. Now he was trying the hermit’s life to see what that had to offer. But sometimes his face wore an expression that was neither good nor pleasant to see.

  The small Anna lived entirely under the ægis of the admirable Miss Wilson. For several years her life, waking, sleeping, playing, in the big, bare, dark rooms, or out in the wide stretches of brilliant sun, was governed and bounded by the pale, watchful, anxious face and the quick, nervous voice of Miss Wilson. Outside, on the fringes of her existence moved – huge, spectral and unreal in their comings and goings – three other figures: her father, tall, silent and grey-faced, rather frightening in his stern remoteness; then Seguela, the old peasant-woman, black, untidy, going about with flopping, ungainly speed, like an old crow; and her son Paul, a queer, staring, animal sort of fellow who did not usually appear indoors until the evening. But between Anna and these people, the small, flat, colourless figure of Miss Wilson was always swooping forward, swooping down with a strange incongruous fire of maternal, protective anxiety in her pale eyes, her humble spirit roused to pugnacity on behalf of her charge.

  Against all her instincts, Miss Wilson had become a warrior in those days. She sometimes wondered fearfully at the change which had overtaken her gentle, abject, old-maid’s heart. She had only one loyalty: her love for Anna. Only one determination: to do battle against the powers which she obscurely felt to be ranged against Anna. Only one fear: that she might be sent away from Anna.

  Suddenly, one mild spring day, an incident occurred. It was one of the first of Anna’s definite recollections; and it served to bring her father out of the shadows into a position of importance in her childish scheme of life.

  It was early March and the rains had been heavy for several days. Now the sun shone vividly, bringing out the pristine colours of the world. The distance stood sharp on the clean, rain-washed air, distinct, clear-cut but fragile-looking as egg-shell, very far away. And the great crumpled sea of mountains, like a pile of crumpled drapery, fold behind fold, stretching away to the ultimate distance, to the unsubstantial dim-white snows.

  Anna was playing beside Miss Wilson on the bright green grass of the upper valley where it narrowed to the neck of the gorge. Some goats, soiled-white and russet-brown and black, were feeding near. The high walls of the gorge towered savagely, silent and rather sinister in the bright glare of the sun. The slowly-passing, sunny morning was very silent; almost ghostly in stillness and silence.

  Then a sound came; a strange tearing, roaring sound, far off in the sky it seemed, growing swiftly to a crashing thunder. In amazement they looked up at the cloudless, blank blue sky. There was nothing there. But on the crest of the cliff, on the ragged summit of the mountainous wall of the gorge where the great rocks stood up in sombre heaps with the dark bulks of greenery between, Anna saw a strange ball rolling. Like a weird, irregular ball it came bounding, bouncing down the sheer stony slope, leaping like a mad thing down the cliff. It was funny to see it. Anna would have laughed. But before her lips had time to stretch to a smile, the bounding ball had become a lion, an elephant, a house, an immense primeval mass of solid rock bearing down with terrifying speed straight up
on them.

  Miss Wilson’s timorous heart seemed to turn over in her breast. God knew she had done her best, had striven – with heroism when the limitations of her temperament are considered – against the difficulties and alarms of the past few years. But now, when actual physical danger threatened, danger so horrifyingly imminent that her elderly mind had barely time to conceive it, she did not know what to do. So she stood still, doing nothing at all, simply clasping Anna against her body in the immobility of utter unthinking panic.

  And at the very last moment, when the great cruel mass seemed almost upon them, ready in a blind rush of destruction to blot out for ever the obscure old life of the maiden lady and the other life that had hardly begun, a strong hand dragged them away. The huge boulder crashed past with a noise like thunder, down into the green hollow below, where it seemed suddenly to fall in pieces, raising clouds of yellowish dust.

  The goats had moved on a little way, such a little way, only a few steps it seemed, out of the course of the falling peril, and were quietly feeding. The small, sharp tearing noises as they cropped the grass sounded clearly in the empty silence.

  ‘Lucky for you that I happened to be near,’ said the calm, cold, somewhat sardonic voice of James Forrester.

  Nothing more; but in those few words, Miss Wilson, cringing abjectly in an inward agony of self-recrimination, seemed to hear the merciless trial of her case, the implacable judgment given against her. She was appalled at what seemed to her to be her own despicable cowardice.

  ‘He will send me away,’ she thought, almost weeping. She knew that in that one moment of supreme failure she had forfeited all the years of self-sacrifice and laborious service.

  But in the secret mind of the child a new thought was stirring. Anna saw that her father possessed something that was lacking in the familiar, oldish woman. Her imagination was touched, something like admiration began to awaken. Her father had become real to her.