Skid Out (Heavy Influence Trilogy #0.5)



  HEAVY INFLUENCE

  SKID OUT

  A Novella Prequel

  By Ann Marie Frohoff

  Copyright © 2013 by Ann Marie Frohoff

  All rights reserved

  Text lyrics Copyright © 2013 Transpose - Chris Bowman

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use the material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Ebook formatting by www.ebooklaunch.com

  AMF Publishing

  Ann Marie Frohoff

  [email protected]

  Third Digital Edition: May 2016

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  Frohoff, Ann Marie, 1971—

  Heavy Influence (Skid Out) : a novella / by Ann Marie Frohoff.—3nd edition

  Summary: About an up and coming teenage rocker on the verge of stardom, when the girl next door becomes something more; they’re forced to face the harsh realities on his road to fame and the expectations of their friends and family. Sacrifices are made as everything changes as they know it.

  ISBN 9781452439723

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Excerpt from First Kiss

  …Art imitates life…

  ~ Oscar Wild

  1

  Jake

  Have you ever wished you could take back a night? Wished you could at least forget it ever happened? That’s how I felt, watching Rachel whiz around my bedroom. My head throbbed and I wanted to barf. Too much booze had me in a black hole and I’d hooked up with Rachel. After two years of keeping her at arm’s length, she finally got to me. I wanted to fucking shoot myself.

  “Do you see my shoes? Do you think they’re in your car?” She chirped. Her mood was way too chipper for me and I hung my head, trying not to puke. “Aww baby. What’s wrong?”

  She sat down next to me, rubbing the top of my head. I stopped myself from pulling away, fighting the urge to be a dick. I wanted to blame the whole thing on her, but how lame would that be? What guy doesn’t want a booty call? I shivered at the thought. What was I thinking? I didn’t even like her like that.

  “I wanna throw up, that’s what’s wrong.” My head remained buried in my hands. I wanted to tell her it was a mistake. Maybe this would blow over and things would be like they were before. I could only hope. “What time is it? I have a meeting with a producer who came to the show last night.”

  She looked at her cell. “It’s 9:30.”

  Giving me a wet peck on the cheek, she got up and disappeared into the bathroom. I wiped her spit residue off my face with disgust and hoofed it out of my room. This could turn ugly, I thought. My mouth was parched; I gulped down some Gatorade as I stood in front of the fridge. At least last night’s show had gone well—we were on fire. I smiled, satisfied. It seemed like every one of my classmates had come to our show in Hollywood to kick off summer vacation. The place had been packed with familiar faces. We partied like the world was ending, even though it was really just beginning. We were all finally seniors.

  Thankfully, my mother wasn’t home when Rachel finally left. I blamed our awkward goodbye on my hangover. Her normally painted face was clean from the dark eye makeup and red lipstick. This was the first time I’d seen her without her war paint on. She looked odd without it. As pretty as she was, there wasn’t anything extraordinary about her. She wasn’t a natural beauty; cute, yeah, but nothing special. She didn’t do it for me, simple as that. What was that saying- don’t shit where you sleep? Was that the right phrase for this? Ugh. Rachel was such a big part of my band life, and now this was gonna seriously screw things up. I just knew it.

  Driving to West Hollywood was the last thing I wanted to do, bad as I felt. The summer heat was just beginning and it made my wooziness worse. I tried to focus on the task at hand. When I got to King’s Road Café on Beverly, the outside tables were packed. Every hipster in town must have been eating there. You couldn’t help but feel self-conscious walking up. Everyone watched everyone else, wondering who was who, if they were anyone big. I chuckled to myself at how new-age-twilight-zone the scene was, everyone with their hip clothes and their cool shades, trying to look like they weren’t trying. It was a joke. The fact was, we were all trying. At least I could admit it.

  I spotted Jeff and made a beeline for him. I could literally feel the eyes poking me as I passed by.

  “Hey, man, thanks for driving up,” he said, holding his hand out.

  I gave him a firm shake and glanced around. “I don’t think I’m cool enough to eat here.”

  He shrugged. “Just think of it as a bad 3D experience.”

  We both laughed.

  “I have to admit, though, I’m a little jealous of all the tattoo sportin’ mo-fos.” I said, opening the menu. “I want a sleeve on this arm.”

  He nodded. “You’re gonna have to wait until you’re eighteen, unless you can talk your mom into taking you to Arizona.”

  “No shit?”

  “No shit,” he said with raised eyebrows.

  “I’m all over that. Next tour, it’s on.” My mood buoyed at the thought. I’d wanted the same tat for the last three years. I was pretty sure of my choice.

  “When do you leave?”

  “In a few weeks,” I said, gulping down the glass of water that was placed in front of me.

  My stomach rumbled with hunger, making me more nauseous. Thankfully, my breakfast burrito didn’t take long. My mouth watered in anticipation of the first bite. We ate our food and talked about the band. Jeff was curious as to how we managed with all of us being in school. I explained that Bobby, Mike and I were toying with the idea of being home schooled our senior year if things kept going like they were. Dump, our drummer, was twenty—he didn’t have to worry about school.

  Jeff Arnault was a famous, Grammy-nominated producer. He was fairly young, in his late twenties, but he’d produced some of my favorite bands. I was beyond stoked that he felt us worthy of his attention. We made plans to record one song in his studio. I was on cloud nine when we got up to leave. We weaved our way through the closely arranged tables and chairs, trying not to bang into anyone. Once again everyone stared, watching us as we passed. I’d always gotten a lot of stares, mainly from chicks, but this was different; even the dudes were checking me out.

  I stood next to my truck, staring back at the crowd outside, and wondered if I would ever be the guy everyone knew about. I didn’t want to be famous for the sake of being famous. I wanted to be known for my music. I wanted to be the guy that these people pointed at and whispered about because of the songs I’d written. I could only pray, because there was no plan B.

  I was finally feeling halfway human and continued to push Rachel from my mind. I hoped she wouldn’t show up at band practice. I needed mass distance from that whole scenario. I tried to focus on thinking about the things I had to take care of before we left for tour as I dialed our manager. The call went straight to voice mail.

  “Hey, Notting, it’s Jake. Just wanted you to know I met with Jeff and we’r
e good to go. We’re going into the studio next week, stoked. Call me back, wanna talk about the new merch and if it’s gonna be done in time.”

  Driving down my street, I spotted my next-door neighbor in the distance, Alyssa. She and her friends hung out on the corner across from my house nearly every day there wasn’t school. I looked for her again as I got out of my truck. Checking her out, it struck me that I’d been admiring her more often than I cared to admit. I wondered how old she was. She looked at least fifteen, but I knew she couldn’t be because she didn’t go to my school yet. She reminded me of my ex-girlfriend, Renee, a younger version, but not as dark. Aly was definitely prettier than Renee. Her figure reminded me of a doe—slender and timid. I honed in on her laughter as I stood in my garage trying not to stare at her. It brought me back to when I used to be friends with her brother Kyle. I used to tickle her until she peed her pants. That was fucked, I thought, laughing.

  I perched myself behind Dump’s drum set and grabbed a set of sticks. I banged out a new beat that’d been ricocheting around in my head and watched Aly to see if it would grab her attention. She didn’t even glance in my direction. Living next door to me all these years, she’d probably tuned out my playing by now.

  Rachel pulled into my driveway, adding fuel to my uneasy mood. Of course, she had to show up, I thought.

  “Hey babe,” she said loudly as she slammed her car door shut. I cringed. I didn’t want anyone to hear her. I didn’t want anyone to think she was my girlfriend. I looked out at the group across the street. No one seemed to pay attention.

  “What’s wrong with you?” she nipped. I quickly realized that she was wearing her bitch hat. Great, getting her to leave was not going to be fun.

  Ignoring her, I banged hard on the drums, pretending that I didn’t hear her. Finally, I looked at her. “What’s up?”

  I was being a dick and I didn’t care.

  Her face twisted. “Really?” She was ready to put me in my place, as always. She rolled her eyes at me. “You got an email with some dates and other things, so I just wanted to talk to you about it.”

  “You couldn’t call?” I asked, agitated. “The guys are gonna be here any minute and I’m working on something. Can’t this wait?”

  Her mouth gaped open. “Is this how it’s gonna be?” She folded her arms across her chest.

  I sighed. She was right. I didn’t have to be a douchebag. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m tired. I still feel like shit from last night.” I paused, deciding to put our hook-up to rest. “Rachel, I don’t remember last night. I don’t wanna be that guy, okay. I don’t remember being with you, and I feel like shit about it.”

  I put as good of a spin on it as I could. The fact was, I did remember flashes, enough to send the eebies running through me. What the hell was wrong with me? Rachel turned heads when she walked into a room. She was hot, as far as my friends were concerned. I was a fool for not wanting her.

  She sighed and her face grew softer. “I see. Well, I don’t remember much either.”

  “Yeah, not how I like to roll.” I looked around uncomfortably and tapped on the cymbal.

  Awkwardness began to creep in. I didn’t know what else to say. I wanted her to get it. I wanted her to read my mind and leave. Thankfully, Dump arrived and I stood up. I stared at Rachel without a word, and she finally conceded.

  “Okay. Hope you feel better.” She stood for a moment, waiting for me to come around from the drums, but I was planted firmly. It was different now. Normally, I would hug her and smile, thanking her for being rad.

  “I’ll call you tonight after I get through this and catch a nap. Thanks Rach,” I said, giving her a crooked smile. She turned, flipping her blond hair without a word. She wasn’t happy.

  Dump stood quiet, looking at me with a bent grin. “Dude, you fucked up, didn’t you?”

  “Beyond, man. Why didn’t you stop me?” I threw the sticks across the garage. “I just have to hope she doesn’t take this like we’re going out now.”

  “Good luck with that,” he laughed.

  “I wanted to chew my arm off this morning.”

  Dump laughed harder. “What, it wasn’t with a boner that you woke up to her snuggled next to you?”

  “Dude, I coulda chewed my arm off and beat myself with it.” I grabbed my hair, groaning.

  Band practice went along like any other. As soon as I confirmed that I wasn’t into Rachel, Mike, our other guitarist, gave me a good ribbing. He began to strum an impromptu tune about what he’d like to do to Rachel and he drilled me for info. I don’t think I’d ever wanna do a girl that my friend just did, but we’re talking about Mike here. He was on a different planet.

  The next few days I avoided Rachel as much as I could, tried to ease back into the way things were. Thankfully, she didn’t put any pressure on me, but I knew that wouldn’t last. Sooner or later she’d wanna hang—alone—and talk.

  2

  Alyssa

  Today was going to be different. I could feel it when I woke up. A strange excitement filled me—I couldn’t put my finger on why. Maybe it’s because I knew I’d be spending the whole summer with Matt. Or was it because I was finally gonna be in high school in a few short months? Nadine and I were the first to plant ourselves on the retaining wall across the street from my house. I wondered whose pool we’d infiltrate, or if we’d go down to the beach. I was antsy with anticipation of Matt’s arrival. It was already hot. As ideal as Nicole’s pool was, one of her older brothers could be such a jerk. He wasn’t very accepting of us as a group. Our gang consisted of several guys. We were now a co-ed sampler of newly-minted high school freshmen, and knowing him, it would just be one more reason to give us a hard time.

  Greg Sanchez rolled up on his bike in all his plumpness. His jet-black hair made his fair skin look paler. His stomach spilled over his pants. Greg was interesting; his brothers had a huge influence on his behavior and he was always eager to share the goings on with them. It was gross and at the same time intriguing to listen to. Like the time he brought over his brother’s video camera and showed us firsthand what’d gone down with a freshman in the boy’s locker room. This one poor kid got all his clothes taken away behind his back as someone distracted him. He was left standing in his underwear and everyone was laughing at him. I guess they’d finally found his clothes in a trashcan across campus. That was the saddest thing to watch, and we all grew quiet with fear. In hushed tones, we wondered out loud how we’d get through our freshman year, especially the guys. Remembering their worried expressions made my stomach turn.

  “What’s up?” Greg said, nodding. I was happy to see him riding his bike; most of the time he had one of his brothers drive him over. He climbed off of his bike, letting it fall onto the sidewalk, and walked toward us. He stood there, breathing heavily, and lifted his t-shirt, wiping his sweaty face and exposing his pale white belly to us.

  “Greg, you really need to get some sun on that thing. Your arms are super-tan and your stomach belongs somewhere else,” Nadine said, crossing her arms in disgust.

  “Nadine!” I choked, trying to not laugh. She was so abrupt and embarrassing sometimes. Well, a lot of the time.

  “Well, it’s true. Tan fat is better than white fat.”

  Greg lifted his shirt again, rubbing his stomach. “My food baby likes being white.”

  “In all seriousness, Greg, I also used to be chubby in grade school, but I got my shit together. Tan that thing or don’t flash it at me.” Nadine faced away, mock-gagging, and Greg laughed. I laughed too, nudging his arm. He was such a good sport—always taking everyone’s shit.

  “So what’s going on?” Greg wondered aloud. “I need a pool, or let’s go down to the beach.”

  “Not much. Did you go by Matt’s house?” I asked casually, not making eye contact, worried he would read my mind if our eyes locked.

  Thinking of Matt Squire with his bold green eyes made me warm inside. I totally crushed on Matt. He was fast becoming Abercrombie status. He w
as the only guy who made me nervous. I wondered when he’d show up.

  “Nope, they went to Vegas,” Greg answered, kicking the rocks around in the flowerbed next to the retaining wall. “What’s going on today?”

  My fire went out. I slumped, kicking my feet hard against the wall. I was bummed I wouldn’t see Matt, and wondered how long he would be gone.

  “I don’t know,” I said, sulking, “Beats me. We should go to Nicole’s.” I hopped off the wall, frustrated.

  That’s the moment my world began to change. Jake Masters, the boy next door, pulled into his driveway. I’d known Jake practically my whole life. He’s someone who’s spent the night at my house, sleeping next to me, piled on the floor in front of the TV. Nadine perked up instantly, fluffing her hair while glancing down at her chest. I then glanced down at mine, and back at hers. She pulled down on her tank top to show off her boobs a bit more. I looked back down at my chest. What the? I thought. What’s she doing? Glancing in Jake’s direction, I didn’t think he noticed us.

  When Jake was home, he was always out in his garage. He was either rehearsing with his band or tooling around with his truck. He never said anything to us besides a “Hey” or a head nod from time to time. Jake would small-talk my dad when he watered the lawn. He and I would chat every now and then, but for the most part, we kept to ourselves. Jake was older than me. He was finally a senior, the same age as my brother Kyle. Jake and my brother used to be close, but Kyle went the nerd route and Jake went the wannabe rock star route.

  I watched Nadine mess with her clothes and hair. “What are you doing?” I giggled.

  “What?” she whispered loudly. She tossed her hair to one side and poked her chest out more.

  I fluffed my own hair mocking her. “This,” I said. I puffed up my chest, looking over at Jake.

  He took off his shirt, throwing it over onto the nearby lawn, and Nadine and I stared in awe. Watching him hose down his truck half-naked made the world stop. I glanced back at Nadine, who had her mouth wide open, nearly drooling.

  I looked at Greg, remembering that he was there. I was a little embarrassed. He glanced between Jake and us.

  “Uh, you guys are weird,” he said uncomfortably. “I’m outta here. I’ll meet you at Nicole’s.”

  He rode away and I began to laugh. Nadine’s eyes were intently placed on Jake.

  “Dude, what are you doing?” I said. “Do you like him or something? Do you want me to introduce you?” I laughed. As long as I’ve known Nadine, she’s never acted this way toward Jake. I’d never realized she even knew he existed.

  Nadine sat back on the wall and started to laugh loudly. I looked at her like she’d gone crazy. She leaned over, whispering. “Just go along with me.”

  I started laughing loudly, too. Sure enough, Jake looked over and smiled at us. I felt like an idiot.

  “God, he’s so freakin’ hot,” she said under her breath, nearly hyperventilating.

  I laughed loudly, for real this time.

  Jake smirked as he continued washing his big, black truck. “You girls wanna share what’s so funny?” he shouted over to us. Nadine turned, eyeballing me, and I turned to face Jake.

  “You want some help?” I shouted back. He stopped washing and offered the most brilliant smile I’d ever seen.

  Jake shrugged his shoulders. “Sure, if you guys wanna help…that’d be cool.”

  Nadine nudged me with a wicked grin, striding ahead of me. I quickly followed behind her. We crossed the street without a word. I awkwardly cleared my throat, introducing them to each other.

  “Jake, this is Nadine,” I said, giving a weak smile. “She lives around the corner.” I raised my arm and pointed, waving it around like a spaz.

  He cracked his brilliant smile again. “Yeah, I’ve seen you before,” he said. “You go to my school. What’s up?”

  He nodded his head as he examined us a bit more closely. His eyes parked themselves on mine. My stomach went nuts and I began to fidget with my shirt, looking away briefly. Jake looked around awkwardly, too, and laughed a little.

  “Wha’cha guys up to this sweltering morning?” He turned and walked into his garage, grabbing two rags and raising them up.

  Throwing each of us a rag, he resumed scrubbing his truck. Nadine mouthed “Oh my freakin’ God!” and turned, dipping her rag into the bucket. I stood there dumbfounded. This was new to me, the whole manipulating the situation thing. I’d only seen it on TV. Now, we were the characters.

  “So, Jake, how’s the band doing?” I tried to make small talk as I diligently washed the windows on the other side of the truck; but at the same time I really did wonder. I glanced into the garage. “Looks like your garage has turned into a professional studio. What’s that stuff on the walls?”

  He looked up, wiping his damp brow with his forearm. “That’s sound proofing foam. It’s as sound proof as I can it get for now and the band is doing great,” he explained, walking toward me. “We just had a show at the Roxy in Hollywood. You should come to the next one.”

  My heart began to race and my throat thickened. All I could do was gulp, trying to find moisture. He finally continued, taking the pressure off.

  “We’re a lot better than you probably remember,” he said, coming closer to me. He tossed his rag back and forth between his hands, his eyes scanning my face. “Look at you, you’ve grown up.”

  Like a loud gong, Nadine’s voice rang out. “Yeah, we’d love to come and see you play.” She rounded the backside of the truck, standing a little too close to Jake.

  He backed away, looking her up and down. “Uh, yeah, anytime, just let me know.”

  “Hey, would you like me to rinse the soap?” Nadine asked, grabbing the hose off the ground.

  “Yeah, before it dries, that’d be cool,” he said, flashing a wink at her.

  What the hell? Was he flirting with her? I glanced at Nadine as she squirted soap off. I wondered if she saw what I saw.

  “God, it’s so hot,” she said, holding the bright yellow nozzle over her head, squirting water straight up into the air. I squealed as it rained down on us. I dashed over to the manicured lawn and grabbed Jake’s shirt, holding it over my face.

  “Ahhh, shit,” Jake shouted, laughing loudly. “Nadine, be careful of the garage,” he warned, jogging to the sidewalk, guiding Nadine’s direction of waterworks.

  Abercrombie, most definitely, I thought, staring at Jake’s glistening wet torso. God, I’d never noticed how studly he was. His muscular build left me speechless. Covering my mouth, I giggled, and he took notice.

  “What? You think you’re gonna stay dry?” He shouted, running toward me. He grabbed my waist, twirling me around—then held me in a tight bear hug up off the ground.

  “Nadine! Let her have it!”

  The water rained down on us, and then fell directly upon me, stinging my skin. Jake held me tightly to his chest. I could barely move; squealing and laughing so hard I almost peed. I buried my face into his shirt, which I still held in my hands. Jake finally released me and I footed it across the street, avoiding any more water games.

  “You bitch!” I shouted through fits of laughter. I leaned against the wall trying to catch my breath. I was soaking wet.

  Jake ran after Nadine, grabbing the hose from her. He held her wrists together with one hand while he used his free one to soak her down. She didn’t fight to get away like I did. She clearly liked the attention. Jake stopped and stared over at me. I was surprised to see how much bigger he was than Nadine. Nadine had always been taller than me; I was already 5’8”. I considered both of us pretty tall. Jake must be over six feet tall…—his voice shook me from my thoughts.

  “Okay,” Jake shouted over at me, “I promise we won’t water fight anymore. Come back and help dry.”

  Sopping wet, Nadine futilely tried to fluff her hair. I walked back over, giving her a defiant smile, and she winked at me, satisfied. I was both relieved and felt a little of something else I couldn’t pinpoint. I fel
t excited and sharp.

  “Be right back.” Jake said going into his garage and vanishing into his house.

  “Oh my God, he is so to die for! When he was holding me back from squirting you, I wanted him to pin me against the truck and kiss me,” she confessed, practically swooning. “You have to find out the deets on what’s up with him.”

  My chin must have hit the ground. “What do you mean?” I said, pretending I didn’t get where she was headed. Drying my arms and face with his shirt, I noticed how nice it smelled. I took in a deeper whiff and my eyes rolled back into their sockets. “Dude, you gotta smell this!”

  Nadine took a quick sniff, grabbed the shirt out of my hands, and stuffed her face in it. Jake unexpectedly walked out his front door and we both spun around to face him. Nadine threw his shirt onto the hood of the truck.

  “Here ya go. I just pulled them out of the dryer.” He handed each of us a hot towel. “After you’re done drying yourselves, you can use them to dry the truck. Oh, and make sure you don’t touch the tires. My mom’ll kill me if I get black stains on them.”

  As he turned back to shut the front door, I quickly reached up and grabbed his shirt. I tucked it into the back of my shorts.

  We heard a shout from down the street. “Nadine!” We could see her mother wearing a bright red caftan and black leggings as she stood on the sidewalk, looking for us. “Nadine!” she shouted again.

  “Shit! Shit! I totally forgot,” Nadine said in a panic. “I forgot I have a dentist appointment.” Glancing down at her watch she went on, “Now I’ll have to change and we’re gonna be late. She’s going to kill me! I’ll see you at Nicole’s later.” She threw the towel at us and turned to run home.

  “Okay,” I shouted after her. I stood there in silence, feeling weird and suddenly self-conscious. I looked over to Jake, shrugging my shoulders. He smiled back and continued to dry his truck.

  I watched Jake from the other side of the truck. His bare chest rubbed against the window as he dried the roof. The sight made me weak. I felt like a total perv, but I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Then, suddenly, he opened the door and I quickly looked away, praying to God he hadn’t seen me ogling his all-too-perfect frame. He stepped up into the cab and continued drying the roof. My heart raced. All I could see were his impossibly firm waist muscles shifting under his smooth, lightly tanned skin; I nearly jumped out of my own skin when his voice rang out.

  “So, little Miss Alyssa Montgomery, what have you been up to all this time?” he asked. “You’re nearly all grown up.”

  Laughing nervously, I fumbled for words. “Uh, well, just super stoked to finally be starting high school,” I stuttered, walking over to his side of the truck. I inspected his work, as if I really cared. “I’ve been taking piano lessons, playing volleyball, and just hanging out, really, not much else. What else is up with you?”

  Jake was quiet for a few moments as his eyes searched my face. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks. I wanted to die. Finally, he spoke.

  “Besides rehearsing like a madman with the band and just barely getting through school, you’re lookin’ at it,” he said. “Not sure if you knew, but we kinda been doin’ little mini-tours. So I’ve been missing a lot of school, but I managed to eek out getting into the 12th grade.” A proud grin stretched across his too handsome face.

  “How does your mom feel about you eeking by?” I asked curiously. “My parents would kick my ass if I got anything below a B.”

  “By eeking, I mean I’m not an A student, more like a solid B, some Cs. I think with everything that goes on with the band, she’s just happy I’m making it through.” He shrugged. “You know, we have a pretty beefy tour lined up this summer, so I’m stoked.”

  His eyes sparkled when he spoke. I never noticed how blue they were, especially in contrast with his dyed black hair. Jake used to have light brown, nearly blond hair. Then one day it was black, and he’s never gone back.

  “Wow, Jake, I had no idea. I feel bad for not paying attention,” I said, shamefaced. “Does your band have a website?”

  “Yeah, wanna come in and check it out?”

  My insides tumbled around as I stared back at him. Nadine was right. He really was to die for. “Um, sure.”

  I knew his mom wasn’t home. I assumed she was working. His dad had passed away when he was younger. I barely remembered his dad. Taking in a deep breath, I calmed myself. What the hell did I think would happen anyway? Stupid Nadine, this was all her fault. Okay, breathe deeply, I told myself, desperately trying to stay calm. Like an out-of-body experience, I saw myself running across our lawns into my house.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  My frantic thoughts stopped in their tracks. “Yeah. I was just thinking if there was anything I needed to do.”

  “Alright, cool.” He turned, leading the way into the house.

  I continued to fight the voices in my head, trying not to look like a schizophrenic. Besides, whom was I kidding? I was no match for Nadine and her big boobs. Not to mention all the hot chicks who were always hanging around Jake. The Envies, as we underclassmen called them. I guess I had been paying attention to a portion of Jake’s life instead of Jake himself. But now that Nadine had shed light on him, my eyes were wide open.

  3

  Alyssa

  I hadn’t been inside of Jake’s house in over two years. We walked through the foyer and into the living room. I was shocked by the change. I didn’t recognize one thing from years ago. The inside was totally remodeled. Gone was the 60s-ish shag carpet, replaced with dark hardwood floors. The mute gray fabric sofas had been replaced with dark tan leather ones. They looked expensive and totally plush. A huge TV, the size of a bay window, covered the far wall. And an electronic system stared back at me menacingly. Note to self: Never Touch That.

  The other wall, while once solid, now had windows allowing a view of the pool and backyard. The backyard appeared to be the same. It had always been landscaped like an oasis, with huge banana trees, ivy, and those sweet-smelling gardenia flowers. I loved his backyard—it reminded me of being poolside in Hawaii.

  “The computer’s in my room,” he said. “Oh, take the slaps off. Kate doesn’t want us grimmin’ up or scuffin’ her shit. Like rubber will scuff, but whatever.” He shrugged, and a flash of irritation ran across his face.

  I stopped just short of the earth-tone runner leading toward the hallway. “Oh, okay,” I said, kicking off my flip-flops. “Hey, just curious, why do you call your mom by her name?”

  Jake looked at me with hooded eyes and a bent smile. “Because when we’re out doin’ band shit, the last thing I wanna shout out is—Hey Mom—so, naturally.” He shrugged. “And at this point, I prefer it.”

  Walking over the yummy rugs in my bare feet, I could feel why Kate didn’t want them messed up. I sank in an inch, they were so deluxe. We continued down the hallway until we reached a door at the end. Jake had changed rooms. He used to be in the closest room to his mom’s; now he was the farthest. The first thing I noticed was a French door opened at the other end of the room. It led out to the backyard. A hot tub was just to the right of it. What a guy, I thought. Of course he’d want this room. I would.

  “Wow, this is cool. When did you switch rooms?” I said, marveling at how neat everything was. Matt’s room was a messy piece of shit compared to this. “I would die to have a hot tub right next to my room. Dude, you have your own bathroom, too!” I walked from one side to the other, scanning every inch of every surface. I landed on his bed, crossing my legs up underneath me, batting my eyes. “I’ll trade you.”

  “Ha, I’m sure you would,” he said, pensively. His eyes locked on mine and my hands went numb. He flashed his perfect smile at me and shook his head. “Is your dad still a hard-ass?”

  “Yep, the older I get, the more of a hard-ass he is. My poor guy friends don’t even come to the door anymore. They just hang on the corner until I come out.” I laughed at the thought. But it wasn’t funny. He was way too
strict, and because of this, my brother, sister, and I always lied to him. “But he loves me, so what can I do?”

  “You can’t do anything, and I see why he’s such a hard-ass.” My hands tingled hearing his words.

  Was that a compliment? Why would he say it like that? I felt the heat start to rise in my face.

  “What?” he said, perplexed.

  “Nothing.” I laughed nervously, shaking my head. My spastic insides were getting the best of me, and I got up to look out into the backyard. Gah, I knew he totally caught me staring at him like an idiot. I scrambled to find anything to move me from my embarrassment, “When ya gonna pull up that music?”

  “Hello, can’t you see I’m booting up my computer?” He replied playfully. “See, clearly this is why your dad is a hard ass.”

  Finally, in a more neutral mood I walked over to Jake. I bent down, leaning over his shoulder as he pulled up his band website. I was impressed. It was done up professionally, just like all the other hot bands out there. There was his picture, as big as life, staring back at me like someone I didn’t know. He clicked on the music player and turned up the volume. Unfamiliar sounds streamed out of the speakers; a guitar riff and keyboard melody drifted out over the room. Drumbeat followed, and then a voice - a voice I didn’t recognize. I really liked it, that alternative rock-punky vibe. I closed my eyes.

  “So, who’s singing?”

  “It’s me! Duh!”

  “No!” I shouted, “Oh my God! You sound so good, like so old! I mean not like an old man or anything. Wow, you totally kill it!” I was completely floored. Nadine was going to shit a brick when she heard him.

  Jake lowered the music and spun around in his chair to face me. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I kept taking in slow, deep breaths to steady my racing pulse. Without a word, he got up and walked out of the room. I took this opportunity to look around more closely. The walls were plastered with posters of rock bands, surf shots, and bikini girls. The bikini girls were all types. I couldn’t tell what kind of girl he was into. I wondered if he had a girlfriend. I got up quickly and snooped around to see if he had pictures with any girls lying around—anything to identify a special someone. I only found party pics and band snapshots. Yes, there were girls, and two of them were in most of the shots. Hmm, I wondered.

  I sat back down on the bed just as Jake came through the door. My insides were tense, and it made me fidgety. He was carrying a bag and some water.

  “You thirsty?”

  I nodded my head yes. Why was I speechless? Come on, Aly, its only Jake, I reminded myself. Get over it. He tossed me a small bottle of water and sat down next to me. I nearly drank the whole bottle of water in one gulp.

  “Shit, you were thirsty! You want more?” he said, pulling what appeared to be t-shirts out of the bag.

  I licked my lips. “No thanks, this is good. I didn’t realize how parched I was.”

  Jake stopped and stared at me with a crooked grin. We were only inches apart, and his blue eyes took my breath away. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I swear I must have been drooling.

  “Parched, huh? Who says that?” he teased. “That’s a word my grandma uses.” I was okay with him teasing me. It pulled any weirdness out of the room.

  “I read a lot, for your information. English literature is my fave.” I tried to think of something else to add, but nothing came to mind. I leaned into him with my shoulder. “So there.”

  That scent from earlier caught my attention; the scent that was on his shirt. God, that smell was gonna be the death of me. None of the guys we hung out with smelled as good.

  “I wanted to give you some merch,” he said, holding up a black t-shirt with the words Rita’s Revolt printed in bold white letters. “And some CDs. You can pass these singles out to your friends, and you can have these,” he said, holding up hard CD cases.

  I grabbed the t-shirt and held it up, staring at it more closely.

  “Jake, I’m super impressed. I really had no idea. I know I keep sayin’ that, but geez.” I smiled at the t-shirt. He touched my knee and thanked me. I instantly melted from the shock of electricity.

  “So, Alyssa, tell me more about what you’ve been up to.” His hand remained on my knee. “You say you read English literature—like what?”

  This time he wasn’t being a smartass. I leaned back against the pile of pillows, putting my arms behind my head. He pulled his hand away, and I was relieved.

  “Well, I really like Jane Austen. I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but I really like those old-time, long ago romance novels.” I paused. “The kind where the guy is chivalrous. Guys seem to be such jerks these days. You know, our friend Greg, Greg Sanchez, the bigger one? The stories he shares with us about his brothers—it’s like shock factor or something.”

  “Oh, I know exactly who you’re talking about and yeah, I agree. Those guys are idiots, and they think their shit doesn’t stink. A bunch of jock dorks.” He shook his head. “Not sure what’s up with Greg being so fat, knowing how his sporto brothers are built. I fucking hate sportos. So, what kind of stories has Greg told you?”

  I pondered for a moment if I should tell him. What the heck, I thought; it would be nice to have someone other than a bunch of 14-year-olds to give perspective. I mean, Greg could be lying for all I knew.

  “Well,” I started laughing nervously. “I don’t know.” I squirmed, and his smile grew bigger.

  “Look at you, you’re blushing!” He grabbed my shoulder and his face fell flat. He leaned in closer. “What’s tubby telling you anyway? I wanna know if he’s feeding you a bunch of bullshit.” His intensity surprised me. He got up and sat back at his desk. He leaned way back in his chair and stared at me, waiting for my answer.

  “Jake, don’t embarrass me. I feel silly even talking about it with you.” I looked down at my feet. “I mean, he just tells us stories about how they bet on how many blow jobs they can get—”

  Jake interrupted me right away.

  “Okay, so this is really what you talk about with the guys you hang out with? Blow jobs?” Jake was aghast. “Do you even know what that is? I’m no expert on when chicks start learning this shit. I never talked about this stuff with girls.”

  “Yes. I know what it is.”

  “Okay, well let’s hear it.” He didn’t smile or flinch.

  I stared at Jake, completely horrified. I couldn’t believe the direction our conversation had gone. My face must have said it all. We sat there in silence for what seemed like forever, and then he spun around to face his computer.

  “Alyssa, don’t always believe what you hear. Guys talk shit, they make stuff up, and they lie,” he said, while he typed. “Trust me. I used to make shit up all the time. I know it was only a few years ago.”

  “You mean you lie? About what?”

  “No, not anymore, but when I was your age. I did it to make me seem cooler. It’s stupid, but whatevs.” He spun back around to face me. “But this is just between you and me, of course. Your brother and I use to make shit up all the time.”

  “You’re kidding!” I laughed out loud, relief flooding me. “My nerd brother? Come on, you have to tell me, what did you guys used to say?”

  “Dude, your brother isn’t that big of a nerd, and I’m not telling you anything,” he said, waving the palms of his hands at me. “I plead the fifth.”

  I was lost in his eyes again, along with his brilliant, white smile. Contemplating his words: I plead the fifth. I tried to remember where I’d heard that and what it meant. “Plead the fifth?”

  “What?”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means that you aren’t going to say anything because it might incriminate you, or be used against you at a later date.” He nodded his head and his eyes narrowed.

  Just as he was about to go on, we heard Jake’s name being shouted in the distance. Jake hung his head. “Looks like the guys are here to rehearse,” he said, jumping up. “Don’t forget the bag.”


  He waited for me to grab the bag and followed me out the door. As we rounded the hallway, a group of almost equally good-looking guys stood staring back at us. They had bags of fast food in their hands.

  “’Sup, bro,” piped one with brown hair and intense blue eyes. He stuffed French fries in his mouth as he eyeballed me with a stupid smirk. I could only imagine what I looked like, with my hair all rumbled and matted to my head.

  “Alyssa, this is Mike,” he said, pointing at smirk boy. “And that’s Bobby, and Victor, but we call Vic, ‘Dumpster’ or ‘Dump’.” Jake laughed. “But don’t ask why we call him that.”

  “‘Sup Alyssa?” Mike nodded as he chewed open-mouthed, looking me up and down.

  I could tell right away that Mike was a force.

  “Hi,” I squeaked out. I stood unmoving like a statue. I knew if I didn’t get out of there, they would all notice I was blushing. What the fuck, why was this happening?

  “Uh…okay…Jake,” I said nervously. “Later. Nice meeting you guys.” I waved, walking toward the door. “Oh, I left my phone in your room.” Of course I did, I thought, mortified that I had to be there even a second longer.

  I quickly walked past everyone, practically running down the hallway into his room. The smell of him hit me like a baseball bat. What was that scent? I grabbed my phone and looked around for anything to give me a clue. I saw a bottle of whatever it was, but I couldn’t read it. The writing was all in French. I sniffed the bottle. That was it. God, it smelled good. Taking in one last big breath, I walked out as calmly as possible. I was probably as red as a tomato.

  Walking down the hall, I could hear them talking and it was about me. I stopped to eavesdrop.

  “So dude, ya doin’ them younger these days, I see.”

  “Shut the fuck up, Mike, she’s my next-door neighbor,” Jake spat back.

  “That makes it convenient,” Mike laughed. “Yeah, clearly virgin territory.”

  “I’m not doin’ her, you fuck, get your mind outta the gutter.”

  I was even more mortified now. I came out swiftly, not looking at anyone “Alright, later,” I waved. As soon as the door shut behind me, I sprinted across our front lawns and into my house. My sister was sitting on the sofa, watching TV. She didn’t look in my direction. I ran up the stairs, nearly colliding with my brother as he came out of the bathroom.

  “Wow, man, slow down,” Kyle said holding me by the shoulders. “Where’s the fire?”

  “Sorry, Kyle, I’m supposed to be at Nicole’s right now. I got side-tracked,” I explained, trying to squirm away.

  “Hmm, what’s in the bag?” he asked, letting me out of his tight grip. He grabbed the bag out of my hand and pulled out a t-shirt. “Ah, Jake’s band…these are cool. Is there one for me?”

  Kyle placed the bag back on the hallway floor and started pulling everything out.

  “I’m sure there’s one in there,” I growled, stalking off to my room. I slammed the door. He irritated me.

  I rummaged through my drawers until I found my bathing suit and gathered my stuff together. Taking off my shorts, Jake’s shirt fell to the ground. I picked it up and stuffed my face into it. Gah, that smell.

  I plopped down on my bed and firmly held it to my face as if my life depended on it. Kyle barged in, throwing the bag onto my bed and startling me.

  “What are you doing?” he snickered.

  “Nothing, just wiping my nose,” I said lying. My heart sprung outta my throat.

  Oh my God! What did it look like I was doing?

  “Ugh, stay away from me!” he said, swiftly shutting the door.

  I put on my bathing suit and stuffed my things in a bag, along with Jake’s shirt. I wanted Nicole to smell how yummy he was. Grabbing the bag of Jake’s promo stuff, I bounded down the stairs. I abruptly stopped before the door to stare at myself in the foyer mirror one last time. I didn’t have a shirt on, only a bikini top. Should I put a shirt on? Ugh, why should I care? We live at the beach, and normally I wouldn’t put one on.

  My heart stopped. I felt lightheaded as soon as I saw Jake standing near the sidewalk next to his truck. I didn’t think I’d see him again so soon. Mike spotted me first and whistled. Jake turned to face me and watched me walk toward him.

  Why now? Why didn’t I ever notice Jake like this before? I thought of Nadine. I could never admit that I was now crushing on Jake Masters. Nadine would beat my ass. I would be labeled as one of those girls who backstabbed her friends. She had first dibs. She saw him first. That was the rule. This was easy, though; because my dad would never approve of a senior and me, even if it was Jake. I laughed at how quickly the fantasy rushed through my head. As if. I walked closer to Jake and his smile burned into me like a red-hot poker.

  “Well, well, well, you comin’ over to go swimmin’?” he asked playfully, holding his hands out at me. “Just another reason your father has become more of a hard-ass.”

  He made my knees go weak and my throat go dry. The cat calling continued as I passed by. All I wanted to do was run screaming down the street. I could still feel Jake staring at me the further away I walked. It was like an invisible string pulling at me. I didn’t dare turn around. Don’t do it, I told myself—but I couldn’t help it. I turned around, looking back at him. He gave me one last wave.

  “Hey, I really want to know what you think of that music! Come by later,” he shouted, giving me his heart-stopping smile.

  What the hell was I going to tell Nadine?

  As soon as I turned the corner and was out of Jake’s sight, I sped up my pace. My heart raced and my thoughts swirled uncontrollably. The thought of him asking me to come back over sent my mind reeling. Why would he ask me that if he didn’t want me around, right? Whatever it was, I could never admit my feelings to Nadine or any of the others; first, because of Matt, and second, because all the others had big mouths. Nadine would find out in no time.

  I didn’t notice that my pace had slowed to a near standstill as I daydreamed about Jake in front of Nicole’s house. There was no turning back.

  4

  Alyssa

  I finally cleared my head enough to walk into Nicole’s house. Nicole Hamilton and I had been best friends since the 4th grade. Her delicate, doll-like features and saucer-wide blue eyes were a contrast to my tall, thin build, brown hair, and dark eyes.

  I opened the front door and a blast of cool air slapped me in the face. I loved the air-conditioning. We didn’t turn ours on throughout the day; it’s too expensive, my mother would say. Nicole’s family had lots of money. I had to admit, I was jealous. She got whatever she wanted.

  Nadine wasn’t there yet. Nicole’s brothers, Stephen and Chris, were hanging out in the family room, watching TV. I crawled up onto the stairs, which gave me a clear view of them and of the backyard, too. It was around 11:30 in the morning, and it was 90 degrees already. This was not normal Southern California beach weather. I looked through the sliding glass door, and Greg was chasing Grant and squirting him with the hose. I could see Nicole lying out, getting a tan.

  “Hey Alyssa,” Stephen said. Chris didn’t look at me. Chris was the best-looking brother, and he knew it, too. Stephen had offbeat good looks. He wore his hair longer and dressed like those eclectic hot Euro boys. Chris was sporty, the jock, and it was all about him.

  “Hi.” I smiled, holding the banister with both hands. I leaned my head through. “It’s so effing hot outside, and I’m not ready to go melt again. Do you mind if I sit here for a minute?”

  “Nope, feel free to sit as long as you’d like.” Stephen got up and walked into the kitchen. My mother would sell her soul for their kitchen, with its black granite counters and one of those industrial stoves. The fridge was one that looked like cabinets, and it was double-wide. “You want something to drink?” Stephen offered. “Cut the dust?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “What’s your vice?”

  “Vice?” I tilted my head.

  “Vice means—hmm, h
ow do I explain this?” He placed both hands on the counter looking down. “It means what’s your weakness, or what is it that you like the most. I think.” He stared up at me, smiling.

  “Okay, good enough,” I laughed. “I’ll take a Coke, if you’ve got it.”

  “Yep.” He walked over to the fridge.

  I was now looking at guys in a new light. I noticed how muscular Stephen’s arms were and compared him to Jake. His t-shirt fit nicely over his biceps and chest—something I would have never noticed before. I admired his face as he turned around. I smiled at him when he reached up to hand me the soda. Our eyes locked for a second, and my stomach flipped. What the heck?

  “Thanks, Stephen.” I was lost for any other words.

  “Uh, yeah, of course,” his lips curled slightly upward. He stared at me for a moment longer before he turned around.

  I became self-conscious, a totally weird moment. What the hell was going on? Was I emitting some new vibe? I sat there drinking my soda, looking over the can, now focusing on Chris. Nadine crushed hard on Chris, too. I wondered how the Jake thing would play out because of that. Come to think about it, Nadine crushed on all the hot guys. She was completely boy crazy.

  I never gave it too much thought until today; until the electricity had surged through me during our water fight. Why was I noticing guys in a different light now than I had before? I couldn’t wait for Nadine to show up. I wanted to know when she first felt that intense attraction for a guy, if she ever felt what I was feeling. I ran through our fake conversation in my head. I’d play it off like I was envious.

  I hopped down the stairs and through their family room. Chris finally noticed me and nodded hello. I slid open the door leading to the backyard. Nicole lay across a lounge with her bathing suit pulled up her butt and her top untied.

  “So, since when do you pull your bathing suit up your ass?” I asked playfully as I approached.

  She lifted her head, squinting. “Since Stacey was over here laying out, and I saw what she did. She didn’t have a lame big butt tan line or any lines on her back.” Nicole buried her face back down in her towel.

  “Shit, it’s hot out here.” I pulled my towel out of my bag, and Jake’s shirt came out with it. “Oh my God, dude, you have to smell this.” I was giddy. I tossed the shirt near her head. She looked up. “Guess whose shirt that is?”

  Taking a little sniff. “Uh, yum!” she smiled and took another whiff. “This is yummy. Okay, I’m going to gross out if it’s your brother’s. Whose is it?”

  “You know my next door neighbor?”

  “Uh, yeah, how could I not notice Rocker Abercrombie?” she said.

  Was I stuck in some sort of a bubble? I watched Nicole rub her face all over Jake’s shirt again.

  “Well, you won’t be surprised, but Nadine is totally crushing on him.” I reached over and grabbed the shirt out of her hands, stuffing it back into my bag. She gave me her pouty face. “Sorry, I’ll have to give it back.”

  “Okay, spit it out, all the juicy details. How’d you get his shirt?” Her eyes went wide with intrigue.

  I sat and told the story, giving her a play by play of every moment, with the exception of my feelings for Jake. I painted a vivid picture of how hot he looked dripping wet. I hedged a bit, not knowing if I should continue.

  “Okay, and…spit it out already,” she said impatiently.

  “Okay, okay.” I giggled louder, covering my mouth. “Basically, I used it to dry off my face and I kept it.”

  “And, tell me, how did Nadine act? You know, she kills me sometimes how she throws herself at guys.” She shook her head. Boom, there it was, another snide remark. Nicole had been tossing out subtle digs about Nadine more often these days. I refused to bite. I didn’t want to choose sides.

  “No, she didn’t hang on Jake. She didn’t have a chance. Her mom came looking for her. She said she would be here after her dentist appointment.”

  I finally laid down on the lounge. I was sweating from the heat. The sun burned at my skin. It kinda felt good, like a massage. Even knowing that I would pay for the sun damage later in life, I didn’t care. I didn’t use sunscreen. I loved having that sun-kissed look.

  All of sudden, water came our way from Greg and Grant.

  “Stop it, you a-hole!” Nicole roared. She didn’t like to get her hair or face wet. In fact, when she swam, she only went in the water up to her chin.

  “Calm down, sorry,” Grant said, trying not to laugh. “What’s up with you guys today, all secretive n’shit?”

  “Let’s go, they’re talking about Jake Masters,” Greg said, spilling the beans.

  “What? Jake? That fucking wannabe. He sucks, and so does his band,” Grant spewed as he climbed out of the pool. My blood boiled at the insult.

  “Shut the eff up,” I snapped. “You’re just jealous because you can’t play your stupid guitar as good as he can.”

  I was shocked as the harsh words rolled out of my mouth. I instantly regretted it. Nicole’s mouth gaped open. Greg, with his usual timid self, backed away from our confrontation. I felt bad, but it was true. Grant had tried out for Jake’s band six months prior. I never gave it much thought until now. Grant didn’t get picked, and I knew how badly he wanted it.

  “You’re a bitch, Alyssa.” He picked up his towel and wiped his face. “I was only joking.”

  I realized at that moment he had to be kidding, because he would have never tried out to be in the band if he thought it sucked.

  “Dude, I’m sorry.” My stomach sank.

  Grant hung his towel around his neck as he slipped on his flip-flops.

  “Okay, you guys, just calm down. Grant, please don’t leave,” Nicole begged. She struggled to retie her bathing suit top, instead opting to gather the towel to her chest as she reached out toward Grant.

  “I’ll be back,” he said to Nicole. “I’m gonna go find Greg.”

  Grant went after Greg down the side of the house. We heard him shouting Greg’s name.

  “What the hell, dude. What was that?” Nicole glared at me. “You didn’t have to say that shit.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it…”

  “Uh, yes you did. I’ve never heard one mean word ever cross your lips, Alyssa. So don’t tell me you didn’t mean it. You shoulda seen your face. You know how bad he wanted to be in Jake’s band. I can’t believe you.”

  She got up and stormed into the house, leaving me sitting there in the blistering heat. My head spun. I felt panic rushing through me. Shit, now what? I had managed to piss everyone off, all because of Jake Masters, in less than an hour. My thoughts went back to Jake. I wanted to be sitting in his room, lying on his bed, smelling his scent. If his friends hadn’t shown up, I would have probably been doing just that.

  I gathered my things and walked into the house. Chris and Stephen were no longer around. Nicole stood at the fridge leaning against it with a soda in hand, glaring at me.

  “I’m really sorry,” I said in a rush. “I don’t know what came over me.” I played with the handles of my bag. “I didn’t get to finish my story. You wanna know?”

  “Uh, yeah,” she said theatrically. As if she’d forgotten my verbal bashing of Grant.

  The lameness was instantly gone. I took a deep breath, smiling. “Okay. I was with Jake in his room, listening to his music…and, you know how close we used to be…” I paused.

  Nicole stared off in the distance. She was no longer listening to me. She took a drink of her soda and set it on the counter, pulling her long hair out of her face. I admired how pretty she was, with her all-American, California-girl, blonde hair and blue eyes. No wonder Grant kissed her ass. He probably felt like he hit the lottery.

  “Hey, just so you know, I’ll call Grant later and apologize and I’ll just talk to you about this later. I’m gonna go home for a bit. Call me when Nadine gets here. I wanna hear what she has to say about Jake. Plus, she’ll wanna know what we did after she left.” I flashed a wicked grin.

>   “Oh, come on!” she whined. “There’s gotta be more. I was listening, I swear, you have to share!”

  I laughed. “It’s nothing, trust me. Other than Nadine’s slice on it—and I can’t wait to hear it.”

  5

  Alyssa

  I glanced at the clock as I walked out of Nicole’s house. Not very much time had gone by. I wondered if Jake was home and if he was still rehearsing. As I got closer to my house, I could hear them playing. I arrived and stood in front of his house. I could hear his voice singing out, and it made me melt. He sounded older. I leaned against his truck. They played through two songs while I stood there in my dream state.

  All of a sudden, the garage started to open, and I darted as quickly as I could toward my house.

  “Hey, back already?” Jake called out. He opened the door to his truck, taking out a duffle bag and what appeared to be a camera tripod.

  “Ha, yeah, I kinda got in an argument with one of the guys.” I shrugged.

  “Bummer,” he said. He spoke again with his head down, muttering something I couldn’t hear. He gestured and threw his head back, biting his bottom lip. He was too cute, and I couldn’t stand it. “Come by later if you wanna talk about it. The guys should be leaving in an hour or so.”

  My stomach fluttered as the butterflies slammed into each other. I looked past Jake and noticed Mike was staring at me smugly.

  I slowly walked back to my house in a daze, thinking it would be cool if Nadine liked Mike instead. I wished so hard that it would happen. I had a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit, and my mouth was super dry. Gross, I thought. I went straight to the kitchen and gulped down a glass of water. I wondered if anyone was home.

  I shouted out, “Is anyone home?”

  There was no response.

  The only sound was the whirl of a fan someone forgot to turn off. I was a nervous wreck. I screamed out loud, throwing myself down onto the sofa. I was totally in la-la land. Thank God it was summer time and school wouldn’t interfere with whatever was happening. My bag dropped to the floor and I leaned over, took out Jake’s shirt, and draped it over my face. I lay on the sofa like that for an hour; peeking out every so often to see how many minutes had ticked by. Finally, it was time to check if Jake’s band mates were gone. I sprinted up the stairs to my room and stared at myself in the mirror, as if my reflection would tell me what to do. I was a mess. Jake was more than “just Jake” now.

  I ran to my parents’ room, the only room in the house that had a view of Jake’s backyard and of his bedroom window. When his window blinds were open, there was a clear view into his room, but I didn’t see anyone.

  I bounded down the stairs and slowly opened the front door. I was happy we had a courtyard. No one could see me unless they were standing right in front of the gate. I crept over to the fence to see if I could hear anything. There was no longer any muffled music or voices. I pulled over a nearby chair and peeked over the fence to see if see if any of the guy’s cars were still parked in front. They were gone.

  I walked back into the house with my stomach in knots. I felt silly all of a sudden. Would he think I was a cling-on, a groupie, or whatever they called those fan girls? Finally, after talking to myself forever, I made my way to his house.

  “Hey,” I said softly, approaching his garage.

  “Hey, I was just wondering if you were gonna come back over. I was gonna wait a little bit longer and then head over to Dump’s house.” He flashed his thousand-watt smile at me. My hands began to sweat as my blood rushed to my head. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “I don’t know. You look flushed.” He looked concerned.

  Oh my God! I was totally blushing! What a fucking freak. I had to get a grip! My thoughts smacked against each other as they ran around my brain.

  “It’s hot out here. Aren’t you hot?” I said, fanning my face with my hand. Now I was light-headed.

  “Let’s go in the house. I’ll get you some water.”

  He grabbed my hand, pulling me toward him so he could put his arm around my shoulders. What he didn’t realize was that when he touched me, it made my heart pump faster and my light-headedness even worse. We went into the house and immediately the cold air gave me relief. He sat me at the kitchen counter and handed me water from the fridge. I pressed the cold bottle against my cheek and closed my eyes. I breathed in deeply; telling myself it was no big deal. I could smell the faint scent of him, and I breathed in deeper. Opening my eyes, I felt an instant surge. Jake was still standing there, staring at me. His mouth was slightly open and he was watching me. My insides melted into my feet.

  He cleared his throat. “Are you feeling better?”

  “Yeah, thanks. I should probably go home and lay down.” I got up and stumbled a bit, grabbing the counter. “This sucks, I really wanted to listen to more of your music and…”

  “You can lay down on my bed…come on,” he interrupted, and grabbed my hand. “You probably just got a little heat stroke or something.”

  He led me through the house to his room. I thought I was dreaming.

  He released my hand and fluffed his pillows. His gesture tugged at my heart even more. “Here, take a load off. Make sure you drink that water.”

  I collapsed on the bed more dramatically than I needed to, but I wanted the smell of him to wrap around me. Just as I sank in comfortably, another voice came through the house. This time it was a female’s.

  “Jake?” the voice grew louder.

  “Yeah,” he shouted, “I’m in my room.” He stood up walking to the door and stopped.

  “Hey, sexy,” a raspy voice purred, then a short silence. “What’s going on?” she asked as she came to the door. By the tone of her voice, it was apparent she’d noticed me lying there. I kept my eyes closed.

  “That’s my next door neighbor, Alyssa. She’s not feeling well, probably from the heat.”

  “And you couldn’t lay her on your couch?”

  “Calm down,” he spat back.

  I could hear the voices fade down the hallway. I heard another girl’s voice, too. I could barely make out what Jake was saying.

  “Look, we were gonna listen to some music, too, it’s no big deal.”

  “No big deal? Jake, how would you feel if you walked into my room and saw a dude lying on my bed?”

  “Rachel, if he was fourteen and your next door neighbor, I wouldn’t care.”

  My stomach dropped. Fourteen, that’s what he saw me as. Fourteen, and what the hell was I doing here? Okay, this happened for a reason. I needed to get a grip. He was way out of my league. He would always be “just Jake,” my friend. I sat up.

  “She’s only fourteen,” she said dryly. “She doesn’t look fourteen.”

  “Well, she is. She’s gonna be a freshman this year.”

  “Great.” The sarcastic tone continued.

  “Look, Rachel, I don’t know what else to say.”

  “You could tell her to go home. We were supposed to be hangin’ today.”

  “Her parents aren’t home. I’d feel better if she stayed here until she felt better.”

  There was another long silence and the girl - Rachel, I guess, spoke.

  “Rachel, you’re outta control. Let’s go.” Rachel laughed.

  “Jake, we’ll see you later. Don’t forget, Dump’s expecting you. You might wanna call him. Call me when she leaves,” she added, clearly agitated.

  I didn’t hear anything else. I took a drink of water and stared at the posters of the hot chicks stuck to his wall. Those are the kinda chicks Jake likes. Rachel was probably as hot as these girls hanging on his wall. I laughed to myself, shaking my head.

  “Why you shaking your head?” Jake’s voice took me by surprise and I jumped.

  “I didn’t realize I was.” I stared back at him sheepishly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you and your girlfriend to fight because of me.”

  “She’s not my girlfriend,” he said firmly.

&
nbsp; “Sounds like she thinks she is.”

  “Well, she wants to be, but I don’t feel the same way. Besides—”

  “So, you don’t like her?” I interrupted, surprised at my boldness. But I wanted to know, and now. I wanted to know him, every little thing I’d missed after all this time.

  “Kind of…” He trailed off. Then he laughed. “Only sometimes, after I’ve had a few beers. No, just kidding. I kinda dig her, yeah, but she’s a little hard to handle. She’s a spoiled brat, and I don’t know if I can deal with that.” He sat down next to me.

  “What’s going on with you, Alyssa?” he probed.

  “Well, obviously not too much, since I’m only fourteen.” I blurted it out without wanting to, like vomit.

  He was silent and I couldn’t look at him. I was embarrassed. I could feel him staring at me, burning a hole into my head. I heard him breathe deeply and felt his bed move. He tipped back, lying flat. I glanced over and his hands were over his face, covering his eyes. His shirt came up, exposing his stomach, and all I could do was stare at his smooth skin. I wanted to touch him. He looked through his hands and caught me staring at him. I didn’t move. Reaching over, he touched my arm, tracing it with the tips of his fingers, all the way to my hand and held it. I was frozen. My heart raced and tunnel vision took over. The lump in my throat almost choked me. I was worried he’d feel my hand starting to sweat.

  “Look, I only said that to calm her down.” He let go of my hand and sat up. “Alyssa, you’re like family to me. I mean, come on, what’s going on here?”

  Did he really want to know that this morning he kick started something in me I’d never felt before? Did “family” members do that to each other? I was grossed out at the thought.

  “Jake,” I said, standing up, “It’s nothing, I just felt a little stupid—like I was a kid or something when you said that. I’m not a child. You know, I have feelings, too. I’d better go. This was obviously a bad idea, me coming over here and hanging out. I didn’t mean to cause problems.”

  What the hell was I doing? Fuck, I just kept puking all over the place.

  “Alyssa, I don’t want you to leave. I really want you to stay.” He stood up, towering over me. His strong arms embraced me in a hug. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It was unintentional.”

  “But I heard you tell Rachel that you’d call her after I left. So she’s probably waiting to hear from you soon…”

  “Alyssa, I don’t wanna see her.” He sat down at his desk, facing the screen. “She just rubbed me the wrong way. I’ll call her in a little bit to tell her it’s a no-go.”

  He banged at the keys and brought up some music; it filled the air and took the edge off.

  “The cool thing about you is I know where you stand. You were always very open and opinionated, even if the timing was inappropriate.” He smiled broadly at me with his perfectly white, straight teeth.

  “Your teeth are so white,” I marveled.

  “Oh, yeah, my mom makes me use those white strips,” he said, rolling his eyes.

  “Well, it makes you that much more sexy,” I said, laughing at myself for emphasizing the word “sexy” with hand quotations. Jake’s face bent with amusement. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t make fun.”

  He shook his head. “A little fire in you, I see. I can never underestimate you, can I?”

  6

  Alyssa

  Jake and I sat in his room for hours, talking about music and his past tours. When I expressed interest in playing the guitar, he insisted on teaching me. When I finally looked over at the clock, it was 5:30 p.m.

  “Shit, the time!” I panicked. “Um, I should probably get going. I left my phone at home in my bag. The units are probably wondering where I’m at.”

  “Shit! And I forgot to call Rachel. Great. She’s really gonna be happy now. Guess we’re both in trouble, huh?” He slumped. “Now, don’t get pissed, but I don’t wanna hear it from her, so I’m not gonna tell her you stayed here the whole time. It’s just easier.”

  He walked out of the room. I could hear his voice, but couldn’t decipher his words with the music playing in the background. Then his voice grew louder. Were they fighting? I wanted to know more about this Rachel. I was gonna ask my sister if she knew who she was, break out the yearbook so I could see what she looked like. Staring at the snapshots with the two girls again, I wondered which one she was.

  Jake walked back in, agitated. He threw his phone hard at the bed.

  “You know, it’s probably better it happened like this.” He shut his door. He stood there shaking his head “Fuck, what a bitch. Oh, by the way, my mom’s home now. I don’t need her poking around here, that’s why I shut the door.”

  “Why’s your mom’s a bitch?” I asked, shocked.

  “No! Duh, Rachel.” He plopped onto the bed. “She’s too much. I’m glad it’s out in the open, how lame she is. No matter what I told her, she still thought you were here.”

  “Well, I was…am…you know what they say about women’s intuition.”

  He lifted his head from the pillow and leered at me. “Don’t be a smartass. It’s not like she’s my girlfriend. She’s been my friend for a long time and helps out with the band stuff a lot. We hang, but not like we’re together.”

  “So, you don’t think you could be leading her on? I mean, sorry to point it out, but you kinda acted like you cared when she came over earlier. You know, making excuses and trying to make her feel better about me being here.”

  His arms fell heavy against the mattress. “I see why she would think I like her like that, then. I mean I do, but not like that. That was a long time ago, when I thought I was interested. Then, with her freaking out about you and acting all territorial n’shit? I mean, she doesn’t even fucking know you!” He gestured at me. “She’s lame.”

  “Tell her to beat it, then.”

  “Yeah, right. It’s not gonna be that easy.”

  I looked out the back door, walking over to it. I stared at the far end of the backyard and wondered if the gate still worked. My dad had installed a gate so we could easily go from yard to yard when we were younger.

  “Hey, is that gate still working?” I walked out the door. There were a couple of palm trees and other plants that blocked the path.

  “I’m sure it does. We didn’t do anything to it. I forgot it was there.” He walked in front of me, rooting through the palms and unlatched it. He struggled with it a bit, and it finally opened.

  “Yay!” I smiled. Jake raised his hand for me to give him a high-five. I squeezed through and was wedged against him for a moment. I felt that shock again when we touched and I loved it.

  “Well, this is gonna make things interesting,” he whispered.

  What was that supposed to mean? My head spun. I turned back and hugged him. I couldn’t help myself.

  “Jake, thanks so much, fun times.” I took a deep breath through my nose to smell him one last time. His face pressed against my hair and neck. I could have stayed frozen there forever.

  “Mmm, you smell good. Your hair smells like strawberries.” He let me go and I almost passed out after hearing his words.

  “I was just thinking the same thing. You smell good, too. I’ll talk to you later,” I whispered loudly. I was numb from my excitement.

  “Hey, if you’re not doing anything later, you wanna come back and watch a movie?”

  “Sure, if I’m not in trouble for something.” I waved goodbye. “Probably sometime after nine.”

  I opened the back door and my mom smiled. “Well, hello.” She came out from behind the counter to hug me, and then grabbed my shoulders, holding me at arm’s length. “You have a nice glow. What have you been up to?”

  She went back to chopping veggies. My dad brushed by me with a beer in hand without a word.

  “Hi, Dad,” I waved with false excitement.

  “Hello, my dear.” He collapsed into his chair and turned on the TV. That was the extent of our relations
hip.

  “I’ve actually been hanging out with Jake today.” I beamed.

  “Is that right? And what’s Jake been up to these days?” my mom asked, carefully placing each foil-wrapped potato in the oven.

  “You know he has a band, right?” I said. “He practices every day, you must hear it.”

  “Yes, I hear it on the weekends. I suppose he plays before we get home from work.” She turned, grabbing a bottle of red wine, filling her glass. I wondered what wine tasted like. I remembered Jake saying that he drank beer. I hadn’t tasted any alcohol yet.

  “Mom, can I have a taste of that? I’m just curious what the big deal is. I mean, you drink it every night.”

  With a wary eye, she handed her glass to me without saying a word. I smelled it, took a sip, and gagged. “Uh, thanks but no thanks. It’s like fire going down my throat. Why do you drink that?”

  I walked to the sink, sticking my mouth under the faucet.

  “I drink because I like it; it’s an acquired taste. All wines taste differently. It relaxes me after a long day of work, and it’s good for my heart. That is why I drink it, in moderation.”

  “Including moderation itself,” my father weaseled in. My mom rolled her eyes.

  “What does beer taste like, then? I hate the smell of beer.”

  “I don’t like it either. Go ask your father for a sip. Frank, give Aly a sip of your beer, she’s curious.”

  My father held up the bottle of beer over his head, without a word, no fight, nothing. I walked over and took a sip just as my brother rounded the corner coming down the stairs.

  “What, you let her drink, but not me?” he grabbed the beer from my hand and took a long swig.

  “Goddammit, Kyle!” my father roared. “We know what you get into, give it back to her.” He handed me back the beer.

  “Geez, calm down, sorry.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. His eyes were wide. I stuck my tongue out at him and he flipped me off. “What’s she doin’ with it, then?”

  “She’s not drinking, Kyle,” Mom explained. “She’s tasting, she was curious.”

  “Yeah, and I’m a girl,” he guffawed. “I’m calling her bullshit.”

  I handed the beer back to my father and turned, punching my brother right in the gut.

  “Okay, you two,” my mom said dryly. “Stop it.”

  “What, you’re not gonna punish her? If I woulda’ done that, you woulda’ grounded me!”

  “Kyle, that’s enough,” my dad growled. “We were having a nice moment and you come down here, stirring the pot.”

  Kyle glared at me.

  “Kyle, I swear I’ve never had one drink,” I assured him.

  He looked at me cautiously. “Whatever,” he said under his breath, and mouthed BEEEAAATCH to my face. I flipped him off, in return.

  “What’s for dinner?” he asked, shoving me out of the way as he passed into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and rummaged around.

  “Close the door, Kyle. I’m making artichoke dip, and we’re having steak and baked potatoes.”

  She poured a bag of corn chips into a bowl. Kyle walked over, took a handful, and stuffed a few in his mouth. What a pig, I thought. I took stock of Kyle. Sure, he was cute, for being my brother. No wonder he and Jake grew apart; he’d become a total polo shirt-wearing nerd. A pang of guilt came over me for thinking that, but he was, plain and simple. One day, he would find a nerd girl to share his nerd life with.

  We sat down to eat, and my sister barely said a word. She was attached to her phone throughout dinner, like always. Which reminded me—I never called Nicole. “Mom, anyone, did I get any calls?” I looked around the table.

  Finally, Allison looked up as she took another bite of food, “No, but your chicks came over looking for you, and your phone kept ringing. Where were you, anyway?”

  “I was next door at Jake’s. He was teaching me to play the guitar and we were talking about his music.”

  I said all those words on purpose. I wanted Allison to know. In my own way, I wanted to feel like I was one-upping her. I could feel her staring at me and didn’t want to look at her. I looked at Kyle instead. He was head down in his plate. Mom and Dad were talking quietly, and just as I thought, Allison was staring at me with an obtuse grin. About a year ago, she used to have the hots for Jake, until she got another guy to like her.

  “Really, is that right?” Her condescending tone rang through my ears.

  I didn’t want to stare at her. She would see right through me and try to knock me down. Nope, I was going to eat my dinner, wait for everyone to go to sleep. Then I was gonna go back over to Jake’s house via the secret route and watch movies with him. No one would know. After 9 pm, mom and dad would be locked in their room. Kyle would be gone like usual, and who knows what Allison would be into. I was always locked away in my room after 9 pm, or at Nicole’s house.

  “Can I be excused?” I said loudly.

  “Sure,” My father said, glancing back at my mother.

  I grabbed my plate and walked into the kitchen. I heard Allison ask to be excused, too. I rushed to rinse my plate. I wanted to leave before she got to the kitchen, but it was no good. I felt her standing behind me.

  “So, Aly. Tell me about Jake.”

  “What’s to tell? You know what he’s been into, right?” I didn’t want to come off as too cocky, but I couldn’t help myself.

  “Yeah, but he never asked me to hang out at his house and listen to his music, or teach me to play the guitar.”

  She wanted the dirt, but I wouldn’t budge. I would never let her know how I felt about Jake.

  “Well, did you ask him to teach you to play the guitar?” I could feel her eyes raking me up and down.

  “Uh…no.” Her sarcastic tone returned. “Did you?”

  “Not exactly, I only said it’s something I’ve wanted to learn, and he offered.”

  “Oh, I see. I’m sure he felt obligated.”

  I really hated how she treated me, and I was glad she was jealous. Moments went by. I continued to do the dishes, hoping she would leave, because I was running out of dishes to wash.

  “You wanna hand me your plate?”

  “You know, Aly, you better be careful,” her tone changed. It almost sounded like she cared. “Boys like Jake only want one thing, and a fresh like you is just what’s on the menu.”

  My stomach sank. What was she saying? I thought of all the stories Greg would tell us late at night in Nicole’s backyard about his brothers hooking up with chicks. It made my stomach turn. But I couldn’t talk to Allison. She wasn’t trustworthy. She would sell me out to our parents, for sure.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I glared at her. My hand dropped to my side, dripping water onto the floor. She made me sick. What kind of sister would really be jealous of her younger sibling? But it was always that way. She would always try to be the best, to outshine me; to be a bitch.

  She sighed, hedging on her words, choosing carefully. Then she looked me in the eyes. “Aly, I’m serious. I’m not trying to be the mean big sister. Guys like Jake only want one thing, and once they get it, its dump city. There are other things you need to be concerned with, too, so just be careful.”

  I was finally alone in the kitchen. I looked at the clock. 8pm. I went to the couch to get my bag and noticed Jake’s shirt lying there. I picked it up and stuffed it back in my bag before digging for my phone. I dialed Nicole’s number.

  “Hey, it’s me,” I whispered. I dreaded talking to her.

  “Where the hell have you been? We’ve been waiting for you all day. Nadine is freaking out. We hung out on the corner, waiting for you to show up. Jake never came out of his house. We knocked on your door at 4 pm, and your sister said you weren’t home.”

  “I was home, sleeping. I didn’t feel well.” I didn’t want to lie, but I felt like I had to. I wanted to tell her, but I just couldn’t.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Are you feeling better?”

  “Yeah, I�
�m fine now. I think it’s just the heat.”

  “Okay, are you coming over tomorrow? Matt’s gonna be home, so you know he’ll be over here.”

  This perked my interest. “Yeah, I’ll be over.”

  “Okay, see you tomorrow. Oh, and call Nadine, she’s comin’ outta her skin to know what went down with Jake.”

  “Sure. See ya tomorrow.” I hung up the phone, unsure of what to feel. Matt was going to be home. Normally, I would be excited. But I only thought of Jake and watched the minutes tick by as I waited for my parents to tuck in.

  I decided to take a shower. I normally took showers in the morning, but since I was going to Jake’s, I wanted to feel good. Why should this be any different than all the other times we watched movies together? Yeah right, whom was I kidding? I liked him now; that was the difference. This wasn’t the same—at least not for me.

  9 pm rolled around quicker than I wanted it to. I was nervous. I heard my parents disappear into their bedroom. I brushed my damp hair and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. My sister was just getting out of the shower.

  “What are you doing tonight?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

  “Like you care?” She sniffed and didn’t offer any info.

  Why did she have to be so lame? Kyle was gone. Thank God. Back in my room, I closed the door behind me. I stared at myself in the mirror once more. I wore black cotton shorts and a black tank top. Simple, but flattering enough, I thought. I put on lip-gloss and I stared at my chest. I pulled down my tank top a little lower, just like Nadine did. Ugh, what was I doing? There was no way I’d ever look that big unless I got a boob job—and that certainly wasn’t going to happen.

  I heard my sister shut her door and she immediately started talking loudly. I turned off my light and turned on my TV. I messed up my bed and gently shut my door, making my way down the stairs and out into the warm night air.

  Jake must have heard me struggling with the gate, because he was standing at the door, waiting for me. I felt like I was dreaming.

  7

  Jake

  When I watched Aly go back into her house while I hid at our “secret entrance,” it really started to hit me that she was unlike any of the girls I knew. I dug her—completely. Making my way back into my room, I sat in front of my computer and opened my email. I glanced over the messages Rachel told me about. More dates for local shows before we leave on tour. I wasn’t sure if we could pull any of them off. I brought up my calendar in attempt to figure out the timing of everything, but my mood was strange.

  I felt empty inside and I couldn’t focus. I knew right away it was because of Aly. Liking her was the last thing I needed. I didn’t need any distractions in my life. The thing with Rachel was gonna be enough for me to handle, but there I sat, wondering if Aly was really going to come back.

  I wasn’t in the mood to work. I lay on my bed and watched the time tick by before finally turning on the TV, which did nothing to distract me from my thoughts of her. I should have gotten her phone number. What if her parents caught her sneaking out? I wondered if she really had the balls to go through with it. Who knew what girls tried to get away with at that age? Ugh, that was another thing—her age.

  As always, my acoustic guitar came to my rescue. It stared at me from the corner of my room, perched perfectly in its stand, calling to me. Grabbing it, I sat on my bed, tracing my fingers across its smooth wooden contours. I thought about Rachel and Aly, comparing them to each other. Thoughts flooded my brain and I grew anxious. I felt bad about Rachel, regardless of her personality flaws. I told myself not to waste my time worrying about her. What would be, would be. My mind twisted back to Aly, and thoughts began to get the best of me. I wondered what it would mean if she did show up. I thought about how soft she felt when I hugged her at the gate, and the way her hair smelled. I liked how clean she was. She wasn’t sticky and made up like all the others.

  I pictured Aly creeping down the stairs, out of her house, and into my room. For a brief second, I wondered if she’d want to make out. I quickly pushed it from my mind, reminding myself what she was to me. She was my kid next-door neighbor, or at least she used to be; the few years’ age difference shouldn’t matter now. Besides, I told myself, she probably wouldn’t show.

  I began to strum a tune and the words began to flow—grabbing a pad of paper, I had the whole song written in less than an hour:

  TRANSPOSE

  Sleepless nights aren’t new to me

  All these thoughts are killing me

  Someone come and put me to ease

  All of my anxiety

  There’s no cause that I can see

  What’s this scratching at my brain

  And I can’t stop

  even if I wanted to

  It’s up top

  Maybe I’m simply deluded

  That’s right

  Here I am just wasting my time

  All my time

  And it’s hard to justify what you can do

  I’m so sick and tired of falling through

  It’s true, maybe I’ve been wasting my time

  All this time

  Come creeping, no one can hear you now

  I listen, so you can show me how

  There’s something that I’m missing here

  Softly, stab my evil dreams

  Faster, help me fall asleep

  Come close, I don’t wanna see you again

  From time to time, we fall in line

  But now it seems that we are blind

  No one knows, that’s how it goes

  all the thoughts that we transpose

  And I can’t stop

  even if I wanted to

  It’s up top

  Maybe I’m simply deluded

  That’s right

  Here I am just wasting my time

  All my time

  And It’s hard to justify what you can do

  I’m so sick and tired of falling through

  It’s true, Maybe I’ve been wasting my time

  All this time

  Just as I hit the last chord, I heard the gate make noise, at exactly the same moment my phone began to ring. It was Notting. My heart sprung up into my throat. She fucking showed. Now what? I had to take Notting’s call and answered the phone. I would have to tell him I would call him back. What the hell was I getting myself into?

  Smiling to myself, I realized that I didn’t even care.