Demisexuality and the Asexuality Spectrum
Alyssa Napora
Demisexuality and the Asexuality Spectrum
Alyssa Napora
Demisexuality and the Asexuality Spectrum
© Alyssa Napora 2014
Introduction
Sexuality wasn’t always something I gave a lot of thought to; it wasn’t until middle school that I became truly aware of homo- and bisexuality. That’s where my fascination with the fluidity of human sexuality and gender began. The more I researched, the more people I came across who weren’t just straight or bi or gay. So what were they?
I guess I wanted to answer that question with some simple, concise words. And then I read more and learned more and realized I couldn’t, and that was frustrating for me. But the cool thing about the internet is that a ton of people have access to it, people of all genders and sexualities and identities. And when they started talking and organizing and coming together, they were able to create their own communities.
Pansexuality. Sapiosexuality. Polysexuality. Lithrosexuality. Skoliosexuality. These are all terms used to describe different facets of human sexuality, many or all of which you’ve probably never heard. However, the one this essay is going to focus on is demisexuality.
Finding demisexuality for me was a revelation; it described the way I’d felt all my life. But the more I tried to read about it, the more people I tried to find that identified the way I did, I only found a disappointing lack of research and documentation. Of course the term was most likely recently coined; I could find no comprehensive article on the topic anywhere, not even Wikipedia. I figured I should write my own article, something approachable and easy to read for those who aren’t well versed on the subject of human sexuality. So excuse my conversational tone—this isn’t going to be an annotated academic masterpiece. I’m not an “expert,” I have no degrees or impressive credentials; I’m speaking from my own experiences and from what I’ve learned in my personal research. I want to write this to educate others, and to make them aware not only of demisexuality, but of the numerous other sexual identities out there, labeled and unlabeled, that make the human race so colorful and beautiful.
What Is Demisexuality?
This is a question a majority of people probably have. In an online survey I conducted (80 people surveyed), only 27 (34%) had heard the term before.
In general, a demisexual person cannot experience sexual attraction toward a person until they establish a strong emotional bond with them. The prefix “demi-” means half (think of demigod. Or demi bra). Therefore, they are halfway between asexuality (never experiencing any sexual attraction) and allosexuality (experiencing sexual attraction).
Allosexual/Demisexual/Asexual becomes easier to understand once we break down human sexual attraction and human sexual desire. Sexual attraction and sexual desire come in two parts: primary and secondary. I’ll start by defining each of these in my own words.
Primary sexual attraction (PSA) is based on “superficial” attributes; for example, a person’s appearance. If you get turned on just by looking at someone, you’re experiencing PSA.
Secondary sexual attraction (SSA) is based the strength of an emotional bond between two individuals—this bond doesn’t have to be romantic!
Primary sexual desire (PSD) is the desire for sexual pleasure. Basically, this is just being horny.
Secondary sexual desire (SSD) is a little less carnal; it involves a motivation to have sex that is outside of sexual pleasure. Wanting to have kids or wanting to please a partner are two examples given by the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network.
Now that we know these terms, we can easily understand (in general; of course everyone is unique) what makes someone allosexual, demisexual, or asexual.
Allosexuals experience PSA and could therefore experience all other types of attraction and desire.
Demisexuals do not experience PSA, but do experience SSA. Once an emotional bond is established, they can experience PSD.
Asexuals (in general) do not experience either type of sexual attraction, nor do they experience PSD. However, they may experience SSD. Asexuality is a very broad spectrum. The umbrella term used for those who fall somewhere in between is “Gray-asexuality.” Gray-A folks could experience PSA/SSA but have no desire to act on it, for example.
Now that we know who demisexuals are and where they fall on the asexuality spectrum, we can debunk some misconceptions about them!
“Do demisexuals think they’re better than me? Do they think they’re on higher moral ground because they don’t have casual sex?” No. Absolutely not. I think I speak for a lot of demisexuals when I say that as long as it’s totally consensual and safe, go for it. Demisexuals would prefer not to engage in casual sex because they simply cannot be attracted to a person in that way until they form a bond with them. It is not a morality thing.
“Waiting for the right person is really admirable. Way to go!” Like I said, it’s not an admirable moral decision. It’s an orientation. Demisexuals (in general) do not desire casual sex. It’s fine to have casual sex (as long as it’s safe and consensual, like I said); demisexuals just usually don’t.
“Demisexuality isn’t real!” This brings us to the next section, where we’ll talk about the validity of demisexuality, the public opinion, and how demisexuality can vary between people.
Is Demisexuality Real?
The short answer here is yes, demisexuality is real. I don’t need to cite any scholarly research to confirm that. Then how do I know it’s real? Because people all over the world resonate with the term and use it to describe their sexuality. That makes it real.
60 (75%) of those surveyed saw demisexuality as a valid orientation. While this is the majority, it left me wondering why the other 25% said no. I’m guessing it was due to a “cultural” misunderstanding. In the past few decades, progress from the MOGAI (marginalized orientations, gender identities and intersex) community has been slow. It has definitely made waves in our heteronormative society; rainbow flags are everywhere, big companies are publicly supporting the pride movement, and over half of Americans believe gay marriage should be legalized nationally. However, this progress has been lacking in intersectionality. Look at most “pride” promotions and you’ll see two gay cisgender* men or women. This causes hurtful erasure of all other identities and spectrums.
The public has been taught all this time that the “other” orientations and identities were gay, lesbian, and maybe even bisexual and transgender (hence the exclusive “LGBT” acronym). I understand that; I was in that limited mindset for the longest time and it wasn’t my fault. So I wasn’t surprised when 25% of those surveyed thought demisexuality wasn’t a valid orientation. They weren’t aware that a sexual orientation not only describes who you’re attracted to, but how you are attracted to them. This lack of awareness is responsible for the poor
*cisgender: describes a person whose gender identity and biological sex align
representation of asexuality spectrum orientations. Society is getting better with the whole whoever-you-bang-is-okay thing, but what if a person doesn’t want to bang anyone? That’s still pretty unheard of.
People use demisexuality in a variety of different ways. If a person is bisexual (attracted to two different genders) and also demisexual, they might call themselves demibisexual. The prefix “demi” qualifies the “bi” and describes on what terms they are attracted to people of those two genders.
Asexual or Allosexual?
(For the sake of simplifying my language going forward, I’m going to use some abbreviations:
ace:
asexual
allo: allosexual
demi: demisexual)
Indeed, demisexuality falls on the spectrum of asexuality. In my survey I asked whether people associated demis more closely with ace or allo folks. I wasn’t surprised at the result I got. 75% of those surveyed said demis were more similar to allo people.
Before I really get into this, a disclaimer: I know everyone’s demisexuality is going to be a little different, just like everyone’s heterosexuality is going to be a little different. I guess whether or not demi folks are more ace or allo depends on how often they are involved with a partner. If they are in strong relationships most of the time, then yes, they will spend the majority of their lives experiencing sexual attraction. However, if they’re rarely in a relationship, they will not be experiencing sexual attraction and will be primarily ace. Make sense?
Demi people are generally considered to be on the ace spectrum because as an individual, without the emotional influence of another person, they will not experience sexual attraction. But, like all orientations, this could differ person to person.
Why Use These Labels, Anyway?
It is easy for a striaght person to scoff at more “complicated” labels and deem them absolutely pointless. After all, their heterosexual privilege keeps them from ever experiencing some of the pain those of other orientations feel. For example, most people assume heterosexuality in others they meet. Straight people see themselves widely represented in the media, and for the most part, can be open about their relationships with family and friends. These are just a few examples of heterosexual privilege.
Labels are important words used by those who study human gender and sexuality, just like those long convoluted Latin plant names are used by botanists. Maybe we, as non-botanists, don’t see a need for them. That doesn’t make them useless.
What’s the point of a label on a personal level? Not labeling yourself is perfectly fine as well if that’s how you’re comfortable. But there are numerous reasons people might use labels to describe themselves.
One reason is that labels are concise and to the point. Imagine explaining your sexuality to people over and over again: “I’m attracted to people of all genders, but I can only experience sexual attraction after I form a close bond with them.” To save time you can simply call yourself demipansexual.
Labels also create a sense of community and belonging. Imagine, for a moment, that you’re sixteen. You’ve never felt sexually attracted to someone; the thought of sex actually repulses you. You’ve avoided relationships for fear of sex. When your friends drool over celebrities and talk about how sexy they are, you feel empty inside: outcast and broken. After all, sex comes with every relationship, right? Sex is normal. Sex is healthy. Your favorite songs mention sex. Your favorite TV show, movie, and book protagonists are having sex or talking about it. The only conclusion you can draw is that there must be something wrong with you.
But what if you knew about asexuality and ace-spectrum orientations? What if you knew about AVEN’s website and the forums there? What if you knew how to access a community of thousands of people just like yourself? Maybe then you wouldn’t feel so broken and alone. Labels make this possible for so many people. Once they choose a label that adequately describes their identity, they become part of a community of people like themselves. This can definitely boost self-esteem and aid in the self-acceptance process.
In conclusion, maybe labels aren’t important to heterosexual people who are welcomed and accepted everywhere. But there are many others out there who need that label and that sense of community to feel comfortable.
Conclusion
At this point I’ve covered all the bases I wanted to in this essay. I hope now that you’ve reached the end, you have a clearer understanding of demisexuality and asexuality in general. Maybe a few of you even feel a sense of calm because you resonate with demisexuality or asexuality; you’ve found a label that describes you.
A personal request: If you’re an author, an artist, a filmmaker, a journalist, or anyone who creates media in any way, pay attention to those you represent in your work. You likely represent straight people, maybe homosexual people once in a while as a way to keep your work “updated.” Take it as a challenge to expand your portfolio and represent those of other orientations.
If you’re a consumer of the media, take it as your challenge to recognize and call out the disappointing lack of media representation. Once you start noticing it, you won’t be able to stop noticing, and the flavorlessness of it will start to bore you and maybe even motivate you to make a positive change.
Further Reading (If You’re Interested)
Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (asexuality.org)
Asexual Archive (asexualityarchive.com
Feel free to contact with any questions or comments at [email protected].
