Under the Lights

  Last night Gunner and Willa hadn’t returned. I wasn’t sure what was up with Rhett, but Gunner hadn’t seemed surprised by his behavior. Neither had Willa, which was odd. Gunner had wanted her help too. It was almost like she knew a secret.

  Pulling my truck into the Lawtons’ large circular drive that went in front of the house, I noticed Gunner sitting on the top step. What the hell? I killed the engine and jumped out to go check on him. He looked like he hadn’t gotten any sleep. Was Rhett on drugs or something?

  “Hey, you okay?” I called out as I climbed the steps to where he was sitting. As I got closer, I noticed he was eating a bowl of cereal and had a cup of coffee beside him.

  “Fucking fantastic. How are you?” was his snide response.

  “Seriously, Gunner, you didn’t come back last night. What happened with Rhett?”

  He took a drink of his coffee, then stared up at me. “He’s a selfish bastard just like his father. How’s your family?” He still sounded snappy.

  Most people got annoyed with him when he did this and left him alone. But I’d seen the shit inside that house and I got it. He might have all the money in the world and the power of the Lawton name, but it wasn’t as easy as all that. His family was screwed up.

  “Did you get any sleep?” I asked him, ignoring his question about my family.

  He chuckled. “Don’t I look like it?”

  His hair was messy, and he had dark circles under his eyes. “Not particularly. No.”

  Again he laughed, then ate some more of his cereal. “Ever think of just running away from this place and not looking back?” Gunner asked.

  No, I never thought of that. My parents were my biggest support system, and I had college football next year to look forward to. I shook my head no, but he already knew my response.

  “Didn’t figure you did. But damn if I don’t want to run. Forget this town, my last name, these assholes who live in this house with me. Just leave it all.”

  “College is in just a few months. Our senior year will be over before we know it. Then you can leave it all behind. Start new. Get a life without them in it.”

  He nodded. “Yeah. That’s what Willa said too. But y’all don’t get how just one more day is hell. A few fucking months is a big deal. I want out now. I never want to see their faces again. Not one of them.”

  “Not even Rhett?”

  He glowered as he stared straight ahead. “Especially Rhett.”

  There were things he wasn’t telling me. “What’s going on with Rhett? Y’all have always been close.”

  Gunner snarled, but there was a softness behind his anger. “No, Rhett’s just always been fake. That’s all. None of that was real.”

  “Is this about his getting drunk last night? You know college life sometimes does that to people. He was probably out at some frat party and had too many drinks and got stupid. Talk to him this morning when he sobers up.”

  Gunner turned his gaze to me. There was a cold emptiness there I hadn’t expected. “I’ve talked to him sober this morning. It’s even worse than last night’s drunk. Don’t talk about things you know nothing about, Brady. Just go back to the happy place you call home and eat your momma’s pancakes with those damn blueberries and whip cream on top and have one big ole family hug. Leave the real shit here with me. I can deal with it.”

  Ouch. He was bitter and angry. I got it, but I was trying to help. “Talk to me, then. Explain it to me. Maybe I can help.”

  “You. Can’t. Help. Go home, Brady. Just fucking leave me to this.”

  I was a good friend, and because I was a good friend I was going to leave and let him settle down and calm his shit. I couldn’t help if all he wanted to do was take shots at me. I didn’t give him this life. I was just trying to listen and be supportive.

  “Fine. I’ll go. You know where I am if you want to talk.”

  He gave me a sharp nod; then he stood up and walked up the stairs and into the house.

  On my way back to my house I thought about stopping by Willa’s and seeing what she knew but decided against it. Ms. Ames would be there, and she didn’t seem too keen on me being around Willa. I didn’t want to cause any trouble.

  Pulling off the Lawton property, I turned right to drive through town before going to the house. See if anyone was out this early. Momma was probably making breakfast, and I would need to get back before long. I was sure West would be joining us for that too. He always did on Saturdays.

  Stopping at a red light, my gaze landed on a familiar face as she walked down the street. Riley was Gunner Lawton’s ex and the reason Rhett almost lost his football scholarship. She’d accused him of rape. Everyone knew Riley was a virgin. She was the typical good girl, and why she was dating Gunner, no one knew. It was only a matter of time before he cheated on her, but then the rape thing came out and . . . my eyes finally left her face to focus on the fact she was pushing a stroller.

  Was she babysitting these days? Glancing down, I took in the small face of the baby girl. Her blond curls and big blue eyes looked so much like Riley’s. Had her parents had a baby? I didn’t really care. Riley was a lying bitch who couldn’t be trusted. Why she was back in town made no sense to anyone. She wasn’t wanted here. Maybe that was what was wrong with Rhett. Riley being here was causing issues at the Lawtons’. That made sense. Why didn’t she just leave and let them be?

  Turning my truck around, I headed home. I should have stopped and told her what a mess she was making of Gunner’s home life, but she wouldn’t care. She only cared about her own gain. No one else’s. That was the kind of girl you ran from. She wasn’t anything like Willa.

  Willa was something else I had to work through in my head. I liked her. A lot. I wanted to be with her. But from the way she and Gunner had looked at each other last night and the fact he’d only let her leave with him meant something. Right now he needed someone more than I did. If Willa was helping him, then I had to stand back and let it happen.

  I Have to Take Care of Me

  CHAPTER 47

  GUNNER

  Ms. Ames was working in the kitchen when I got back inside. The smell of cheese and eggs coming from the oven meant she had a quiche going in there. That would be a hell of a lot better than my cereal had been.

  “Morning, Ms. Ames,” I said as I took my bowl to the sink to rinse it. When I was a kid, I had been instructed by Ms. Ames that real men didn’t leave their dishes dirty in the sink. My father left his on the table for Ms. Ames to pick up. I liked the idea of being more of a man than him, so I had started cleaning my own dishes. Even if it was to one-up my dad, it made Ms. Ames happy. That was a bonus.

  “Good morning,” she said, not smiling in return.

  I paused and studied her a minute. She seemed concerned about something.

  “You okay today?” she asked.

  I nodded. No use in telling her my shit. She was just the help. She didn’t need to know the mess going on around her. “I’ll be better when I get some of that quiche.”

  She didn’t smile but nodded, then turned to go back to her work. I thought she was done with me when she said something else. “Willa’s got some hurt deep inside like you do. She has healing to do. Let her heal.”

  I paused and thought about what she’d just said. I wasn’t keeping Willa from healing. She had talked to me more than anyone else. I was helping her. “I know that. She talks to me.”

  Ms. Ames stopped what she was doing with the bowl in front of her and glanced back up at me. “Girls don’t need to be sneaking out to see boys in the middle of the night. That don’t lead to good things. Willa doesn’t need that right now.”

  That’s what this was about. Willa had been busted last night. Well, damn. It was times like this I really wish she had a phone like the rest of the modern world so she could text me and prepare me for this kind of thing.

  “Won’t happen again,” I assured her, picking up a croissant and heading out the door.

  “No, it won’t,” she agre
ed.

  That had sounded a little forceful and matter-of-fact. Ms. Ames putting her foot down. That made me smile. I went back toward the stairs like I was going to my room but headed for the back west entrance so I could sneak over to see Willa. I needed to make sure she was okay. Ms. Ames didn’t seem real happy with her. Or me.

  Dealing with Brady’s nosy ass this morning hadn’t helped after my interaction with Rhett and his father. Rhett was currently in his father’s office being told the truth. I’d started this, and now they all had to finish it. I knew the truth now. Didn’t mean I still didn’t want to run away, but knowing it made me feel more powerful. Not complete or a part of this family, but I still felt in control. It was the best I could do with this situation, though a part of me still ached for the family I never had, and would never have.

  When I made it outside the house, I ran back near the tree house and used the wooded area for cover so no one saw me headed to Ms. Ames’s house. Especially Ms. Ames. Seeing Willa and hearing her talk would make my morning better. She was the only thing that could. Once I got to the back door, I knocked and waited. After a few minutes I knocked again. Nothing.

  Where could she be? Just before I walked away to go knock on her window, a letter fell through the slot on the door and bounced on its corner when it hit the porch, before flopping on its back at my feet.

  Gunner was clearly written on the front in Willa’s handwriting.

  “Willa? Open the door,” I said loud enough so she could hear me.

  Nothing.

  What in the hell was going on? She was in there. Proof was at my feet in some silly letter. Bending down, I picked it up and opened it to pull out a handwritten letter folded neatly inside. “Willa! What is this about?” I called out, my heart sinking. Letters from girls who won’t speak to you are never a good thing. I needed her to talk to me. I didn’t need a note! Dammit!

  When she said nothing, I unfolded the letter and began to read.

  Gunner,

  I’m sorry that this has to be done in a letter. Believe me, this is not my way of being afraid to face you. It’s the only way I can protect myself. Not from you but from being sent away. Again.

  Nonna was waiting on me last night when I got home. It didn’t look good, and it was similar to what had happened with my mother when she was this age. Nonna is afraid I’ll end up like my mother, and she is worried about me.

  I had no one and Nonna took me in. She deserves more from me than my sneaking around. She asked me to not spend time with boys, and I broke that rule within the first week of my being here. It isn’t fair to her. She is giving me a home when no one else will.

  You have a lot of hurt inside you that needs time and space to heal. Going off to college next year will give you that. There’s this whole world outside of Lawton that you can conquer then. I can’t give you the healing you need. I’d like to think that loving you is enough, but it isn’t. You can’t love yet. Our timing is off, and for both of us this is better.

  I’ll be homeschooling the rest of the year and staying in this house. No social outings or contact with anyone. It’s for the best. I need to heal too.

  I’m sorry I can’t be there for you, but I have to take care of me.

  Willa

  I didn’t reread it. I didn’t have to. The words were clear. I folded the paper back into the neat little rectangle it had been in and placed it back in the envelope before slipping it back through the slot.

  Then I walked away. There was no reason to argue with her. I was tired of begging the world to love me. I was exhausted from trying to be good enough for someone to want to fight for. Willa was no different. I should have expected that. Something was wrong with me. That was the only explanation.

  She hadn’t loved me. If she loved me, she would have opened that door and faced me. Explained this to me. Given me more than a piece of paper. I had come to her house. Knocked on her door and called out her name.

  That was as close to begging as I was going to do. Ever again. I should have known better than to love someone and trust them to love me in return.

  Be Safe, Gunner

  CHAPTER 48

  WILLA

  Standing in my window, I held the letter he’d read, then slipped back to me. His retreating form was stiff, and I wanted to call out his name and run after him. But I couldn’t. Nonna had made it clear I had to stay away from Gunner or I’d be going to a Catholic school in Nashville.

  He hadn’t said anything else to me through the door or even tried to ask me questions. I had been prepared to respond if he had. Ignoring him was too hard. It hurt me to not respond to him. The letter was the only way I could think of and not get in trouble with Nonna. She didn’t understand that Gunner needed me. She was worried about me.

  When I could no longer see him anymore, I set the letter on my nightstand and walked back to the kitchen where the phone was. Calling him was tempting, but it wouldn’t help. It would make things harder.

  So I stood there alone in the kitchen. Wishing things were different. Knowing they never would be.

  • • •

  Two days later Nonna had supplied me with a laptop and gotten me signed up for homeschooling online. She wasn’t that great with technology, but I was, so I had been able to research it and show her what she needed to do. Monday I had thought I might get to sleep late since we weren’t set up for online classes yet, but Nonna had woken me up at five in the morning with a list of things she wanted done in the house.

  From before the sun rose to after it set I worked on that list. Only took a break to eat lunch. I didn’t complain though. I’d much rather be cleaning Nonna’s house than that of some strange woman I didn’t know in Nashville.

  Tuesday morning I was relieved to have my computer and classes ready so I wouldn’t have to do another of those lists again. Not that there was anything left to do in this house. It was spotless and completely organized now.

  However, Nonna woke me up at five again with another list, this one much shorter than yesterday’s, and had me do those things before eight when she expected me to start my classes. At this rate I was going to start going to bed at eight every night in order to survive. No one should be awake at five in the morning. It wasn’t even light out yet.

  I was almost done with the last item on the list, mopping the back porch, when Nonna came up to the house with a worried frown.

  “You talked to Gunner?”

  I shook my head. “No, ma’am.”

  “You sure?” she asked in a more demanding tone.

  “I swear. He came here Saturday morning, and I didn’t answer the door. He went away. He hasn’t been back.”

  Nonna sighed and her shoulders sagged. “This is the second morning he hasn’t come down for breakfast. Yesterday morning his bed was unmade when I went to clean his room. But then I don’t clean on Sundays, so that could have been since Saturday night. He didn’t come get breakfast yesterday morning and this morning. When I went to make up his bed, it was untouched. Just like I left it yesterday.”

  “Have you called the Higgenses? Asked Brady or his mom? Maybe he’s there.” That was hopeful thinking. He wasn’t there. He was gone. Gunner had run. Just like he wanted to. And it was my fault. I was all he had to talk to about this, and I had shut him out to save myself.

  “I did.” She nodded. “They ain’t seen him either. I’m gonna have to tell his momma. She’s off in San Francisco at some spa.”

  She didn’t say she needed to tell his dad. There was no point. He wouldn’t care. “Is Rhett still home?”

  She shook her head. “No, he left Sunday.”

  My heart hurt. It had taken my Nonna to notice Gunner was missing. He had known running wouldn’t affect them. They wouldn’t look for him. This was what he wanted. It’s the only way he thought he could find happiness.

  “He’s run, Nonna. He hates his parents. He hates this town. So he left. He was threatening to do it that night I was at the tree house with him. He . . . he w
anted me to go with him. I said no. I couldn’t. I had you to think about.”

  Nonna stood there staring at me for several moments. Then finally she spoke. “Does that boy know, about his father?”

  My nonna had been in that house for over thirty years. She knew a lot. She’d seen a lot. I just nodded.

  “Who told him?”

  “His mother.”

  She shook her head. “She told that boy, then took off to California to a spa. Jesus, it don’t get no worse. Poor kid.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. Knowing Gunner was gone and alone was hard. I wanted to go after him, but I had no idea where to start or even what to say. I’d pushed him the rest of the way out the door with that letter. If I’d just opened the door and talked to him . . .

  “Do you think she’ll look for him?” I asked.

  Nonna nodded. “He’s her cash cow. That’s how she sees him. She’ll look for him.”

  I hated them all too. For hurting Gunner and treating him like he was an unwanted possession they had to keep. A part of me hated me for turning him away. Even though I was trying to stay close by doing it.

  Gunner needed to find love. Maybe out there he would learn to love and find the happiness he didn’t have here. If this was what he wanted, letting him go was all I could do. But I wish I could talk to him just