Believe You Me!, Page 2

  II

  PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO

  I

  AIN'T it remarkable the way the war has changed the way we look at awhole lot of things? Take wrist-watches for one. Before the militaryidea was going so strong on its present booking but a little while,wrist-watches had grabbed off a masculine standing for themselves, andsix months before no real man would of been willingly found dead in one!

  Then take newspapers! Oncet we used to look at them for news, and now wejust look at them. It's kind of a nervous habit, I guess. And takesimple little things like coal and sugar. Why once we paid no attentionto them and now we look at them real respectful--when we see them.Which leads me on to say that the war has brought us to look at a greatmany things we never even seen before, not if they was right under ournoses. That's how I come to see that letter from the W.S.S.Committee--and would to Heaven I had not, as the poet says. Foralthough--believe you me--most of the mail order goods a person buys ispretty apt to be as rep. because why would a customer write again whichhad been stung once, and thrift stamps is no exception, it certainlywill be a long time before I fall so easy for anything the postman slipsme. Next time I'll recognize that his whistle is a note of warning tomore than them which has unpaid bills, which I have not and so neverlistened for him.

  Well, anyways, the time this little trouble maker reached my side, I hadslipped into a simple little lounging suit of pink georgette pajamas,and was lying on the day-bed in a regular wallow of misery on account ofwondering if Jim was dead on the gory fields of France, or was it onlythe censor--do you get me? I was laying there rubbing a little coldcream onto my nose and thinking how would it feel to be always able todo so without losing my husband's love, which, of course, would mean hehad died at the front, when in comes Ma with a couple of letters. I giveone shriek and sprung to my feet, like a regular small-time drama, andgrabbed them off her, cold cream and all. And then slunk back upon theday-bed and despair when I seen they weren't from Jim. Ma stood therewith her hands on her hips until she seen I wasn't going to break anybad news to her, when she left me in peace to read them. That is shemeant to, but believe you me, it was far from it as Ma went into ourall-paid-for gold furnished parlour and commenced playing on the pianolawhich Jim had give me for a souvenir before he sailed, and Ma, beingsort of heavy and strong, after twenty-five years with a circus, she hasa fierce touch.

  Well, anyways, after she had got "Soft and Low" going strong with theloud pedal and no expression, I opened the first envelope. It was mycopy of my new contract with Goldringer all signed and everything andcalling for only twenty minutes of my first class A-1 parlour dancingact in his new musical show at the Springtime Garden entitled "Go To It"and which let all persons know that the party of the first parthereinafter called the manager was willing and able to pay Miss Marie LaTour, party of the second ditto, one thousand dollars a week. Whichcertainly was _some_ party to look foreward to and scarcely any work tospeak of, a refined act like mine not calling for over three handspringsand some new steps, which is second nature to me and I generally make upa few every night for my own amusement same as some of those fellowswhich play the piano by hand--do you get me?

  Well, anyways, when I had looked the contract over good and seen itreally was, as I had before realized in the office, more thansatisfactory, I salted it away in my toy safe which was nicely builtinto the mantel-piece for the greater convenience of burglars, and thenI remembered the other envelope. All unsuspecting as a table d'hoteguest, I opened the envelope, and then almost dropped dead.

  It was from President Wilson!

  Believe you me, I leaned up against the art-gray wall paper and preparedto faint after I had read the news. But instead of commencing, "I regretto inform you of the death in battle," or something like that, itstarted:

  "THE WHITE HOUSE, "Washington, D. C.

  "I earnestly appeal to every man, woman and child to pledge themselves to save constantly and to buy as regularly as possible the securities of the Government; and to do this as far as possible through membership in War Savings Societies.

  "The man who buys War Savings Stamps transfers his purchasing power to the United States Government.

  "May there be none unenlisted in the great volunteer army of production and saving here at home.

  "WOODROW WILSON."

  Woodrow Wilson! Signed--and addressed to _me!_ Of course it didn'texactly begin "Dear Miss La Tour" or anything like that, and he hadsigned it with a rubber stamp or something which I did not hold againsthim in the least, me realizing at once what a busy man he must be. Butcoming as it done instead of a death-notice which I had by this timefully expected after no letter for over a month, it got to me verystrong. It made me feel all of a sudden that I was a pretty punk patriotlounging around in pink georgette pajamas which--believe you me--is nocostume for war-work and felt like going right off and borrowing one ofthe gingham house-dresses which I have never been able to break Ma of,only, of course, it would of been too big and anyways what would I ofdone after I had it pinned around me? Which could be said of a whole lotof folks which were rushing into uniforms of their own inventing.

  Well, anyways, after the first shock was over, I seen there was anenclosure with the President's letter. This was from some committeewhich had a big W.S.S. lable printed at the top and a piece out of thesocial register printed underneath, and was dated N. Y. It begun morepersonal.

  "Dear Miss La Tour," it said. "As a woman so prominent in the theatricalworld, we feel sure that you would be glad to take an active interest inthe great Thrift movement which is now before the country. Will you notform a theatrical women's committee that will pledge the sale oftwenty-five thousand dollars' worth of stamps on the first of the month?The first of every month will be observed as Thrift Stamp Day, and wewill be glad to furnish you with all literature, stamps, etc., if youwill notify headquarters of your willingness to do this work."

  The letter was signed by some guy which it was impossible to read hisname because he hadn't used no rubber stamp but did it by hand and hadother things on his mind. But did I care? I did not! Believe you me, Ihad already decided to do like he asked, and why would I need to knowhis name when I wasn't going to write to him anyways, but to Mr. Wilson?Dancing as long as I have which is about fifteen years or since I couldwalk, pretty near, and not only professionally but drawing my owncontracts from the time most sweet young things is thinking over theirgraduation dresses, I have learned one thing, if no other. Always dobusiness with the boss. Refuse to talk to all office boys, get friendlywith the lady stenographer, if there is one, but do all business withthe one at the head--and no other! This motto has saved me no end oftime which has been spent in healthy exercise under my own roof and Ma'seagle eye, which otherwise might have wore out the seats ofoutside-office chairs.

  And so I concluded that I'd sit right down that minute and let Mr.Wilson know I was on the job. I knew I had some writing paper someplaceand after I had took a lot of powder and chamois and old asperintablets out of the desk I dug it up:--a box of handsome velour-finishtinted slightly pink, with envelopes to match. And I got hold of a penand some ink which Musette, my maid, had overlooked, she being a greatwriter to her young man which is French and Gawd knows how fluent shewrites him in it, only of course being born over there certainly makes adifference.

  Well, anyways, I cleaned off the desk and rubbed the cream off my noseand hands and set down to write that letter. And--believe you me--it wassome job. I guess I must of commenced a dozen times and tore them upwith formal openings--do you get me? And then I realized that the box ofpink tinted was getting sort of low and I had better waste not want not,and so determined to just be natural in what I wrote but not take up histime with too long a letter. So at last I threw in the clutch, gavemyself a little gas, and we was off, to this effect.

  "My dear Mr. Wilson:--

  "Many thanks for yours of the 25th inst. Will at once get busy at helping to make the fir
st of the month savings day instead of unpaid-bill day.

  "Cordially, "MARIE LA TOUR."

  This seemed refined and to the point, and although I was awful temptedto put a P.S. asking did they know anything about Jim, I left off onaccount of me not believing in asking personal favors of the Governmentjust now, as the war office was probably medium busy and the Censormight answer first, at that. So I just sealed it up as it was, and aboutthen Ma left off playing on my souvenir and came in with a pink satinboudoir cap down tight over her head. Ma just can't seem to get over theidea that boudoir caps at five dollars and up per each is a sort of delux housework garment.

  "I'm just going in the kitchen and beat up a few cakes for lunch," saidMa, and withdrew, leaving me to lick on three cents and shoot the letterfatefully and finally down the drop near the gilt-bird-cage elevator ofour home-like little flat. I felt awfully relieved and chesty somehowwhen it was done and with her good news ringing in my ears. For Ma iscertainly some cook, and she has it all over our chef, who--believe youme--knows she would never be missed if she went although Ma simply can'tlearn to stay out of the kitchen. And while she was busy with the butterand eggs and sugar and wheat flour, I was deciding to call a committee,because I knew that was the way you generally start raising twenty-fivethousand dollars worth of anything, except a personal note.

  Committee meetings is comparative strangers to me except the WhiteKittens Annual Ball, and a few benefit performances which last isusually for the benefit of those which are to be in it, they leavingaside all consideration of the benefit of the audience much less of thecharity it is supposed to be for, and the main idea being how long eachactor can hold the spotlight. You may have noticed how these benefitperformances runs on for hours.

  Well, anyways, I having been to several such as of course the best knownparlour dancing act in America and the world, like mine undoubtedly is,is never overlooked. And I knew we had to get a place with a big tableand chairs set around it and then the committee was started. So theWhite Kittens always having met in the Grand Ball Room of the PalatialHotel, I called up the place and hired the room for the next morning attwelve-thirty, me being determined that my Theatrical Ladies Committeeshould get there directly after breakfast. The cost of the room was onehundred dollars, and I didn't know was the Government to pay it or us,but I was, of course, willing to do it myself if necessary. Anyways itwas a committee-room, I knew that by reason of my having sat in it assuch at least twice each year since the place was built--way back in'13. Then all I had to do was get my committee.

  I had just about dived for the telephone book to see who would I callup, when Ma come in, taking off the pink satin cap and wiping her face.

  "I made a omlette," said Ma. "Come catch it before it falls!"

  And so I called it the noon-whistle though some might of called it aday, and we went in and while we ate only a simple little lunch of theomlette (which we got at first base) and liver and bacon and cold roastbeef and a few stewed prunes with the fresh cake, I told Ma about whathad happened, and how I had already got after the job.

  "Well, Mary Gilligan, you done the right thing!" said Ma. "And what kindof costume are you going to wear?"

  "The notices don't say anything about a uniform," I explained to her."And I'm pretty sure you don't need any. This is the sort of thing ourleading society swells are taking up so heavy," I says, "and to do it isnot only patriotic but feminine to the core," I says.

  "Will you have to stand on the street-corners and worry the life out offolks?" Ma wanted to know.

  "Not much!" I says. "That stuff is for the hoi-poli and idle rich andkids and unemployed. That's where some of the new democracy comes in. Uswith brains is to do the office work. Them with good hearts only can dotheirselves and the country more service in the stores and street-carsselling something that don't belong to them," I says, "and--believe youme--I bet any American gets a funny sensation doing that little thing."

  Ma looked real impressed for a minute, showing she hadn't any idea whatI was talking about. Then she come back to her main idea with which shehad started which you can bet she always does until she gets throughwith it her own self.

  "Well, I think you ought to have something for a uniform," she says."Say a cap and maybe a trench coat!"

  "I wouldn't wear no trench coat around the Forty-Second Street andBroadway trenches," I says. "I wouldn't actually have the nerve toinsult the army like that!"

  And Ma seen what I meant and said no more which it certainly isremarkable how good we get on for Mother and daughter.

  So she only urged me to have another cream-cake, which I took and then Imade for the phone and started calling up some ladies to form thecommittee out of. After thinking the matter over very careful I finallydecided on six of the most prominent in my line which was, of course,the Dahlia sisters which had been often on the same bill with me and, ofcourse, they ain't really related--no such team work as theirs was everpulled by members of the same family, unless maybe when knocking someabsent member--do you get me? Well, anyways, beside them I got MadameClementina Broun, the well known Lady Baritone, she being a rathersubstantial party which would give weight to us in cabaret circles. Ofcourse Pattie The Dancer had to be asked, she being so prominentespecially as to her tights and strong pull with Goldringer but I onlydone it out of diplomacy, which any one knows committees has to have alot of. And she is less diplomatic than me as well, for instead of justaccepting for her own self she accepts also for some friends which I hadnot invited, and she did not name. Pattie is alias Mrs. FredHutchins--him who gets up those reviews--you know--which is the onlyreason she is starred in them for Gawd only knows a child which had beenstarted anywheres near right could of done her steps at the age ofseven, they being mere hard-sole clog with no arm movements but having agreat many imitators among college boys and such, that scare-crow stuffbeing as showy as it is easy.

  Well, anyways, when I had got this far I had one vacancy on my hands andas our Allies was not sufficiently represented so far, decided on Mlle.DuChamps which of course she was really born in Paris, Indiana, but as atoe-dancer is unequalled in any language and has a lovely brokenaccent. So there we had France. Madame Clementia was married to aItalian and he being dead or something I never asked what I felt she wasa safe Ally because she couldn't of revolted, not if a schrapnel was tohave went off under her. Pattie was of course Irish and the Dahlias'Jewish, and Gawd knows what the other girl was and I didn't care.

  II

  WHEN they had all promised to get theirselves waked up on time and beover to the Palatial, I kind of weakened on Ma's suggestion aboutclothes. Of course I wasn't going to fall for that uniform stuff, butwhen me and Musette looked over my clothes I simply didn't have a thingto wear. Every one of my dresses was too morning or evening or somethingand above all things I do believe in dressing a part, and certainly Ihad nothing which looked like a chairmaness. So after getting into asimple little sports costume of violet satin and my summer furs, andtaking a peep into the mail box to see had anything got by the censoryet which of course it hadn't, I started out to buy me something whichwould be quiet but tasty and snappy because nothing inspires respect ina ladies committee like a dress none of them has seen before.

  Have you ever noticed how you can pass up something which has been rightunder your nose day after day and then all of a sudden you hitch on tosomething which belongs to it and then all you see is that thing--do youget me? Say yellow kid boots. You never even noticed a pair, but one dayyou buy them and next time you're out every second woman has them on. Oryou go into mourning for somebody and all of a sudden you commencenoticing how many other people is the same only of course there ain'tover the average--it's only that you notice it because you are in it.Well, believe you me--that first afternoon I went out after receivingthe President's letter, I was that way with this W.S.S. stuff. Of courseI had bought my thousand dollars worth the first week they was out, ashad also Ma and she and I together the same for Musette. But we had doneit on t
he Liberty Loans the same, also Red Cross and thought we wasthrough and all the signs and posters and what not had come to beinvisible to me like a chewing-gum or a soap ad--do you get me?

  But now I was in it and not only did I see every sign and see them good,but felt like I had one on my back and everybody must know about theletter and everything. I walked kind of springy, too, in spite of thefurs, and then when I turned into the Avenue, me being on foot, a fivemile walk per day having to be got away with by me or Ma would know thereason why, the trouble commenced. Believe you me, I must of refused tobuy thrift stamps one hundred times in twenty blocks, and every time Isaid I had all I could, the look I got handed me would have withered apublicity man. There must be a hot lot of fancy liars among us, with noimagination, for why would W.S.S. still be on sale if everybody hadbought that much? And when I wasn't refusing to buy stamps I was forkingout quarters for everything from blind Belgian hares to Welch Rabbitsfor German prisoners. And it's a good thing I had a charge account toMaison Rosabelle's or I would never of got my dress. And the more I waspestered to buy them stamps the madder I got. I commenced to feel it wasa regular hold up, and that the police ought to interfere. A personwhich is pestered to death will even sour on the Red Cross. I don't meanthat they ain't humane, neither--only that they are human, and the mostdangerous thing to do to a human is to bore it--any one in thetheatrical professions learns that young and thoroughly. And when Irealized that I was getting bored with this constant hold-up I got afearful jolt and a cold chill.

  Here I was undertaking to chair a committee to sell the things and Gawdknows my heart ought to of been in it with Jim over there and all, andit was, only getting bored with the war is kind of natural, it being sofar off and nothing likely to do us personal bodily injury on the Avenueunless maybe the restaurants or a auto and that our own fault. And sosoon as I realized what I was up against with the great Boredom Peril, Irealized also what I had personally in writing promised Mr. Wilson, andtook a brace. It was just like the early days on the Small-Time when thebooking depends on the hand and the hand was the one which fed us--andnot any too much at that with the carrying expenses--and the hand wasgetting weaker. Me and Ma sat up all one night doping out my doublehandspring with the heel-click. And it was a desperate effort and wethought it was a flivver but not at all. When I landed on my feet afterthe first try-out, I knew I was there to stay, and any intelligentpublic will realize that I remembered it now. And by this time I hadreached the store I was headed for.

  I will confess that from the moment I had decided to buy a new dress Ihad my mind all set on what it was to be--something sheer andlight--printed chiffon, and a hat to go with it. But by the time I hadreached Maison Rosabelle my hunch on my new job was beginning to gostrong and one of the things that worried me was that dress. Also mylunch. Sometimes it happens that too much of a good thing is the onlything which will turn you against it--do you get me? And Ma's creamcakes had this effect. Maybe had I eat less of them I would not have hadno indigestion and so not counted their cost as Lincoln, or somebody,says. And if I hadn't had the indigestion maybe I wouldn't of worriedover the dress. Well, anyways, the first person I see inside the storewas Maison herself, very elegant and slim, only with a little too muchhenna in her hair as usual.

  "Well, Masie," I said when we had got into the privacy of the art-graydressing room and lit a cigarette, while the girl went for some models."Well, Masie, I want to know is business good?" Masie is her real nameshe having Frenchified it for business reasons, the same as myself.

  "Oh, dearie!" says she. "Business is elegant! With so many officers intown, I can scarcely keep enough things in stock. The beaded georgettesgo so fast, on account of being perishable. Ruby Roselle had three lastweek of me. One party and they're gone!"

  While Masie and me has been friends ever since I can remember, hermother having been Lady Lion Tamer in the same circus with Ma and Pa'strapeze act, as she uttered them words, I commenced feeling a littlecoolness toward her. For once I get a idea in my head it's a religion tome, and the W.S.S. was getting to me.

  "Dont you think maybe that's profiteering, Masie?" I ast.

  Maison run a well manicured hand over her marcelle and smiledsuperior--she has always prided herself on being sort of high-brow andreads _Sappy Stories_ regular.

  "Why, dearie, how you talk!" she says. "Dont you know that a littlegaiety keeps up the morale of the country?"

  "I'm not so sure about some gaiety keeping up the moral of anything!" Isays with meaning, not wishing to directly knock anybody but stillwishing Masie to get me. "And personally myself, I think any time's abad time to waste money on clothes which won't last!"

  "My goodness, Sweetie!" Masie shrieked. "What's gonner become of us ifladies was to quit buying? Tell me that? How we gonner hire our help,and all, and how can they live if we dont hire 'em? Have a heart!" shesays. "And what are you talking about--you coming in after a new dressyourself, and only last week had two chiffons which Gawd knows ain'tchain-armour for wear!"

  "I know!" I admitted, "but I'm going to can my order. Just tell the girlto bring gingham or something which will wash--if you got such a thing!"

  "Well, Mary Gilligan, I guess you're going nutty!" says Masie, but shegives the order, and I choose one at $15--which could be dry-cleaned,and that was the nearest I could come to what I was after.

  "You wont like it!" Masie warned me. "It's too cheap--better take a goodsilk!"

  But I wouldn't--not on a bet. Even although what Masie said aboutcutting down too much on buying stuff sounded sensible, or would if onlythe question was how far can a person cut before they reach the quick?Of course I see her point, and she had as good a right to live as me.Yet something was wrong some place, I couldn't figure out where. So Ijust charged the dress and set out for home, and owning a cotton dressmade me feel awful warlike and humble--do you get me?

  But while I felt better about my dress, the cream-cakes was still withme, and, being now a sort of Government Official, they and that got menoticing the food signs, as well, and wishing I had eat only a littlecereal for my lunch. That gave me a idea which on arriving home I handedto Ma.

  "I have just bought me a wash-dress, or almost so, Ma!" I told her. "Andhonest to Gawd I do think we ought to eat to match it. Suppose we wasto go on war-rations of our own free wills?"

  "Well, we eat pretty plain and wholesome now!" says Ma. "Just like wealways done!"

  "But times is different!" I says, toying with the soda-mint bottle, andwho knows but what they were being more needed abroad? "And cream-cakesis a non-essential. Especially to one which has to keep her figuredown," I says. "So for lunch to-morrow let's have cereal only," I says.

  Well I hate to take pleasure from any one and the sight of Ma's facewhen I said this would of brought tears to a glass eye. But I feltparticularly strong-minded just then what with the indigestion and noletter from the censor yet and Gawd knows that is no joke as they arecertainly more his than Jim's by the time they get to me! But after Ihad told Ma how all the caviar had ought to be sent over to the boys andhow food would win the war and how Wilson expected every man--youknow--well, she got all enthusiastic over making up a lot of cheaprecipes and we had the butcher and grocer pared down to about ninetycents each per day. Ma could just see herself growing slim, and she keptremembering things she used to cook for Pa in the old days before sheretired on the insurance money. And first thing you knew the time hadcome for me to go to the theatre. Just as I was starting for the door Mamentioned Rosco, our publicity man.

  "Are you going to call him or will I?" she wanted to know.

  "About what?" I asked.

  "Why about your committee-meeting to-morrow?" she says.

  "Nothing doing!" I came back at her. "Would you invite a manager to seea practice-act? Its going to be amateur-night for me, to-morrow is, andno outsiders are urged to attend! And anyways, I'm not doing this forpublicity which Gawd knows I dont need any, but for my Uncle Sam!"

  "Well, thank goodness, you aint
go no other relations you feel that wayabout," says Ma, "or we'd all be in the poorhouse shortly!"

  III

  Well, that night when I came home I cried myself to sleep with my headunder the pillow so's Ma wouldn't hear what I called the censor, butslept good on account of the simple little war-supper of only lettuceand a cup of soup which Ma had ready for me, and in the morning was upwith the lark as the poet says, only of course they was really sparrows,it being the city. Well, anyways, I felt good and husky and as early aseleven-thirty I was all fixed up in the new wash dress, which its aactual fact Musette had to sew it together four separate places that itcome apart while putting it on me. The goods wasn't the quality I hadthought, come to look at them closer, but anyways it was cheap and thatwas one good thing about it. Ma brought me in a shredded wheat-lessbiscuit and a cup of coffee, a sort of funny look on her face like shehad taken her oath and would stick it out to the death. She didn't sayanything, only set it down and I ate it, saying nothing either becauseit was what we had agreed we would get along on for breakfast. When Iwas through she give me a news item.

  "The cook is leaving!" she says. "On account of the new rations."

  "That's no loss!" I says gaily, because as a general thing Ma is onlytoo glad when this happens.

  "I ain't so sure!" says Ma. "I'm not as young as I was, and I cant do_all_ the cooking!"

  Well--believe you me--I sat up and took notice of that! Ma kicking ather favorite pastime. Something was wrong. But even then I didn't getwhat it was. So I just remarked we could eat our dinners at the Ritzthat being good publicity anyways and always expected of me in fullevening dress when I am dancing. So that much settled and there being noletter yet and me being sort of nervous about that meeting which wasbreaking ahead, I went and beguiled a hour at Jim's souvenir. I thoughta whole lot of that pianola, he having given it to me just before hesailed, and as of course it was too heavy to wear over my aching heartwhich is generally supposed to be done with souvenirs of loved onesoverseas, I put in a good deal of time sitting at it, and--believe youme--my touch is a whole lot better than Ma's which me being light on myfeet by nature and business both, is not so surprising. Well, I gotmyself all worked up over Jim while playing "Somewhere A Voice IsCalling with Mandolin Arrangement" and a whole lot of expression andwhat with feeling a little low on account of the patriotic breakfast, Iwas just in the right frame of mind to throw myself heart and soul intothe good work before me--do you get it? You do!

  Well, I had no sooner left the shelter of our own flat, than that samehold-up game which I had noticed so particular the day before wasstarted on me. The elevator-girls, which had taken the place of astanding yet sitting army of foreign princes which had used to clutterup our front hall and the only excuse they had for living was the nervethey give the landlord when he come to price the rents:--well, anyways,the girls which had taken their places since the draft blew in, wasselling W.S.S. Of course I couldn't buy any for the same reasons asyesterday. So they sprung a working girls War Crippled Aid Fund and Icontributed to that, because I believe in girls running elevators. Whywouldn't they, when thousands has run dumb-waiters so good for years?Well, anyways, I give them something and escaped to the street only tobe lit on for stamps by the first small boy I met. And after only sevenothers had tried me, I got to the Palatial Hotel, and--believe youme--by that time worried pretty severely about how could a person selltwenty-five thousand dollars worth of the pesky things and not get slainby some impatient citizen who felt that I was the last camel and hisback was broke, or whatever the poet says? Really, it was serious, andbeing the first of the Theatrical Ladies to arrive, the big ballroomwith the table and seven empty chairs like a desert island in the middleof the floor, failed to cheer me any.

  Well, there was a arm-chair at one end of the table and there beingnobody around to either elect me or stop me, I grabbed off this chairand held to it with the grim expression of a suburbanite who knows herhusband isn't coming but wont admit it, and a good thing I acted promptas should be done in all war-measures, because pretty soon the otherladies commenced arriving. I guess they must of thought they could get abetter part by coming early, they was so prompt, and by one o'clock theywas actually all there except Pattie and her unknown friend, which waspretty good, the date having been twelve-thirty.

  Well, we all shook hands and I arose from my seat but didn't move a inchaway from it, having seen something of committee meetings where thewrong person had it. And then they all sat down and took in my dress andhat and I theirs, and we was very amiable and refined and I felt so gladI had picked such a good bunch and wished Pattie would hurry so's wecould commence, when lo! as the poet says, my wish was granted, for income Pattie and with her her friend and My Gawd, if it wasn't RubyRoselle!

  Well, far be it from me to say anything about any lady, only pro-Germansis pro-Germans by any other name, as Shakespeare says, provided you canfind it out, and here she was, butting in on a gathering of would-beDolly Madisons and Moll Pritchers and everything, and I wouldn't ofinvited her for the world if only Pattie had mentioned her name. Buthere she was, all dressed up like a plush horse and so friendly it gotme worried right away. Any one which has seen Ruby in her red, white andblue tights will at once realize what I mean, though nothing but thetights was ever proved against her. What on earth she wanted with ourcommittee was very suspicious because why would she ever of taken aexpensive and difficult present like a baby alligator from a Germanwhich she once done, if not pro, her own self?

  But time for starting something had sure come, if we was ever to get anylunch, so I got them all seated and commenced--a little weak in theknees which it was a good thing I was seated, but strong in the voice,so as to start the moral right--do you get me?

  "Ladies of the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee," I began, beingdetermined not to waste no time on formalities, which it has alwaysseemed to me that on such occasions a lot of gas is used up in themwhich would have run the machine quite a ways if applied properly. Weall knew we was the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee and I was thechairman, so why waste words making me it? "Ladies," I says, "I have aletter from President Wilson asking me to get to work, and so haveformed a committee to sell twenty-five thousand dollars worth of WarSavings Stamps on the first of the month. I sat right down and wrote himI would do it, and here we are. Of course this being the twenty-eighthof the month the notice is short. Probably he didn't expect us really toget to work until next month, but personally, myself, I think we shouldsurprise him by getting the money by Saturday night, which Saturdaynight is the first. Now, you Committee Ladies is here to discuss howwill we do it. I would be glad to hear ideas, suggestions and etc."

  Well, nobody said anything for a few minutes only Ruby put a littlepowder on her nose and looked at it critical in her vanity case mirror,which well she might for Gawd knows she had powder enough on heralready. Then Madame Broun, the Lady Baritone, cleared her throat.

  "I would be glad to give a recital," she said, swelling up her neatlyupholstered black satin bosom, "and turn over the money it brings in. Ipresume the Government would hire the theatre for me."

  "Well," I says, "that is a real nice suggestion only not quitepractical. You see it wouldn't be right to ask the Government to pay forthe theater in case it was a wet Monday and only a few came in out ofthe rain. Any more ideas?"

  The blond Dahlia sister spoke up then.

  "Whatever you suggest goes with me, Marie," she says, which was terriblesweet of her, only it's a darn sight easier to give a proxy than a goodsuggestion, which I did not however mention, Blondie being a real fineJewish American and a willing worker as I well knew.

  "I thought of course it was a benefit we would give," put in Pattie in avoice which just plain dismissed every other possibility. "I have a newpatter to 'Yankee Doodle' with a red, white and blue spot on me, atfront center with the rest of the house dark. It ought to go big aboutthe center of the programme."

  After which modest little suggestion she sunk gracefully ba
ck into herseat and commenced shadow-tapping the tune with her feet under thecommittee table.

  "Well, benefits is always possible," I said, "and of course we couldhave it with admission by W.S.S. only. But it's been done a lot andthree days ain't so very much time in which to get it up in a way whichwould do your act justice," I says.

  "Ah! _cheries!_" says Mlle. DuChamp. "Mes petites!" she says, whateverthat was. "I have zee gran' idea--perfect! I will make zee speach on zeesteps of zee Library of zee Public at Forty-Second Street and FeethAvenoo. I will arise, I will stretch my han', I will call out'Cityonnes! 'Urry up queek! Your countree call you--Formez vosbattillions!' and while I make zee dramatic appeal zee ozzers cancollect twenty-five t'ousand dollar from zee breathless crowd!"

  She had got up on her box-toed shoes and was making the grandestgestures you ever see. Honest to Gawd I do believe that girl has herselfkidded into believing that the Paris she was born in was France, notInd. I kind of waved at her, and when she had flopped back into herplace, completely overcome by her emotions, I suggested that maybe theLibrary wasn't as Public as it looked, being generally occupied of afine afternoon by wounded soldiers making the same line of talk, and ofcourse Mlle. DuChamps would be more _chic_ and all that, but would shebe let?

  "Of course she wouldn't!" says Ruby, coming out of her vanity-case for aminute. "Of course not! My idea is that we all chip in say about seventhousand five hundred and let it go at that!"

  Somehow this cheap-Jack way of getting out of doing any work by spendinga little money, got my goat something fierce. Besides which it wasRuby's idea of patriotism and all against W.S.S. rules and everything,but for the minute I was so floored I couldn't speak. The dark Dahliadid it for me, though, and much more contained than I could of at thetime.

  "That's mighty generous, Miss Roselle," she says just as sweet, "onlyyou see me and Blondie has each got our thousand dollars worth and oneperson can't get more," she says.

  "Well, I'll take a thousand dollars worth then," said Ruby, and I couldsee very plain that the matter was finished in her mind, and what wouldyou expect different after them patriotic tights of hers?

  "I'll take a thousand also," put in Madame Broun. "To tell the righttruth I haven't a one. What do you do with them--stick them on the backsof letters like Tuberculosis, or Merry Xmas?"

  Well, we explained they was not a additional burden to the postman butmore or less of a investment. And then the awful truth come out thatPattie hadn't none either and that Mlle. DuChamps had always thoughtthey was to put on tobacco boxes and candy and everything you stored upin the house to eat, though Gawd only knows how she got that idea exceptof course it's the truth that most people is boobs, outside of theirown line, more's the pity!

  Well, anyways, we took in four thousand right then and there and so allthat remained was twenty-one. Ruby undertook to sell another three amongher personal friends, and the Dahlias said they thought they could raiseas much more between theirselves. Then when Mlle. DuChamps and MadameBroun had concluded to take on three apiece there was eleven thousanddollars worth of friendless little stamps with nobody to love them butme. Well, with no better schemes than benefits and concerts and talks insight, I see it was up to me to bite off the biggest slice of piemyself, so I said I'd take the remainder. Of course with my influenceand name and all I would of had no trouble getting rid of them only byasking prominent men like Goldringer and Rosco and the Dancing Trustpeople beside a few more personal ones. And then when we had got thisfar I see some of the ladies commence looking at their wrist-watches forother reasons than to show they had them, and so hustled up the last ofthe business which was merely how would we print our forms forsubscribers to fill out. Ruby suggested a gilt-edge card tinted violetwith whatever lettering I chose, and while I didn't care for it Iagreed, being hungry myself.

  "I do think it is awful fine of you to take on that big amount," saidPattie. "But you always was generous, Marie, I will say that for you."

  "Ladies!" I said. "No thanks where they dont belong. Because I amundertaking this sale for far other reasons than you suppose."

  But since everybody by then plainly cared more for their lunch than myreasons we parted, agreeing to send the money to my place on Sundaymorning.

  IV

  But I will here set down my unspoken reasons, which was that fine as itis to walk out to your rich friends and pluck a thousand worth of stampsper each off them and of course nobody but thinks the rich should havethem, too, I had a strong hunch that the reason for selling stamps atfive dollars or even two bits, was because every one could get in on agood thing that way. Somehow there seemed something too up-stage aboutgoing in only for the high spots, and after ordering the cards I hurriedhome full of determination to make a stab at selling to the common herdand with a terrible appetite and anxious as could be over the oneo'clock mail.

  Well, the last two was doomed to a immediate disappointment because thecensor was sitting just as tight as ever and there was only cereal forlunch. Believe you me it give me sort of a jolt when I sat down to solittle and Ma's face was not any too cheering. We commenced to eat insilence which being both perfect ladies was the only thing to do as itwas also burned. But after a minute Ma lay down on the job. She pushedher dish over toward me in disgust.

  "Try that on your piano, Mary Gilligan!" she says.

  "Well, Ma, you know what war is," I says. "And we'll get a good meal atthe Ritz to-night to make up!"

  Well, anyways, sustained more by patriotism than by what I had eat, Iset out to put over a scheme I had all hatched out in my head for usingplaces which was already kind of organized, as my selling agents--do youget me? And the first place I went was to Maison Rosabelle'sbecause--believe you me--that cheap dress I had bought off her needed aplastic surgeon by then. Maison was as usual giving a unconsciousimitation of a trained seal, switching gracefully around the store witha customer which she was hypnotizing into all forgetfulness of prices.But finally I got her alone long enough to express what I thought aboutthe dress and any lady will be able to imagine what that was. Then Iasked her could she fall in with my scheme which was on Saturday to takeonly Thrift Stamps or W.S.S. for each purchase and sell them the stampsherself. Maison didn't enthuse over the idea, though she's rich at that.

  "Why, dearie! Not on a bet!" she said. "It ain't that I'm not patriotic,but this establishment is _exclusive!"_

  Well, I seen there was no use arguing with her, and I guess there neveris with a woman which is marcelle-waved every day of her life, not tomention that cheap fake of a dress. Next one I buy of her without aguarantee will be for her funeral! So I just left her flat and went overto Chamberlin's. Of course it takes a whole lot more brains to run aenormous cabaret and restaurant like his than Maison has to use if lessnerve, he not coming personally into contact with the customers like shedoes, and I counted on this. I went in by the main door where a lady satselling W.S.S. and she bored me to death with them while a captain wentto find Chamberlin. When I seen him coming I tried to assume thatsprightly and convincing manner of the sidewalk W.S.S. hounds, but wasovercome with that deep seated sense of being about to make a flivver,which also shows on most of them. However, Chamberlin was a genial goodsoul and was crazy over stamps. But he had beat me to it on theadmission only by buying stamps on Saturday night.

  "Better try among your rich friends, Miss La Tour!" he says. "And you'llbe surprised how many you'll sell. That's the easiest way unless you usea gun!"

  "I don't want to sell to my friends," says I. "I want to sell toeverybody--get folks to chip in. The chipping-in idea is what is sogood--get together and all that."

  Well, believe you me--after this I tried a dozen places and every one ofthem, stores and all, where I had any influence or charge account, hadgot theirselves so full of W.S.S. schemes that I felt like a helplessbabe in arms as the poet says, before I was through. There was no roomfor my little $11,000 worth any place: they had all stocked up, and whatto do next I had no idea.

  On the way to the
Ritz that night Ma didn't talk steady like she usuallydoes and seemed kind of low in her mind, and maybe in her stomach alsowhich I was the same by then. Not to mention the censor which it isbetter not to for fear I might say what I thought and he a Governmentofficial.

  But anyways no sooner was we inside the hotel than two society swellstackled us for W.S.S. Oh, they was democratic, just! They spoke right tous, and everything! But my goat was got by it.

  "A regular hold-up!" I whispered to Ma. And as I spoke them fatefulwords I remembered that I owned a gun, which it was left from a piece Idone for the movies and I had kept it for a souvenir. Of course Idismissed the thought at once like the sensible woman I am. But somehowit wouldn't exactly stay away.

  Did you ever get to seeing things as they really was and wondering whyon earth people go through such a lot of motions pretending things isnot what they seem, as some guy so truly says--do you get me? As soon asI had said "hold-up" I realized that that was just what was being done.And when I realized that it was _necessary_ to hold up people in orderto get them to make a safe investment which would earn them a good netprofit while saving their fool lives, I got so raving mad that a gunseemed too good for them. And mad at myself, too, for not seeing soonerhow much my own Jim's welfare was hanging onto my shoulders. Somehow upto then I had really a idea that the bunch down in Washington wasrelieving me of all trouble and responsibility about this war. But now Iseen it wasn't so. If the G.A.P. or Great American People was actuallysuch boobs that they didn't flock up and wish their life savings ontosuch a scheme, they had ought to be made to, same as Ma used to hold mynose for my own good and believe you me--I can taste that oil to thisday!

  Well, anyways, this philosophy stuff kept going through my mind whilerunning up a considerable check which Gawd knows we needed it or theundertaker would of conscripted us. And then all of a sudden who did Isee but Ruby Roselle only two tables away and with her a husky younglounge-lizzard which goes around with her a lot--you know--one of thekind whose favorite flower is the wild oat, but never has anything tospend but the evening. And him and Ruby had their heads together and waswatching me like the German spies in a movie which every one in theaudience spots except their victims which of course are looking at thedirector close up front which is certainly the only reason they arefooled.

  Well, anyways, I was surprised to see Ruby because Broadway places ismore her speed, and I never see her in such refined surroundings before.But I realizing about her kind of patriotism I commenced wonderingwasn't she there to watch me? Though for what reason I had no idea.

  That night after the show, I asked Goldringer wouldn't he use theadmission by W.S.S. Saturday, and he wouldn't because he had it on forone of his other theatres. And so I went home in despair and a taxi, andwas further cheered by a empty letter-box.

  In the morning the cards come--a thousand of them--and certainly moreelegant looking than I had expected, I will say that for Ruby andreading as follows:

  "The Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee will deliver to ............ of............ worth of W.S.S. stamps on presentation of this card.Payment for same is hereby acknowledged."

  Then came a blank which it was up to me to fill in. Well, I didn'thesitate and after a hearty breakfast of crackers and milk and weak tea,I tied up the lace sleeves of my negligee and set to work at signingthem. Believe you me, before I was done I quite see why President Wilsonused a rubber stamp! But I didn't weaken until noon, when any one wouldhave on the meal I'd had. And by then they was finished anyways andevery one of them valid and as good as my cheque. Then just as I wasfeeling proud of myself in come Ma and I could see at once she was goingto take a fall out of me in her sweet womanly way.

  "If you ain't too busy with your war work," says Ma very gentle butfirm, "I'd like to talk to you about something before we set down tothe skeleton lunch which is waiting and can be continued in our next forall I care!" she says.

  Well, I got that gone-around-the-middle feeling which I always get whenMa gives me a certain look, just like I used to when she'd tell me soapwas good for washing out the mouths of kids which had told a lie. And soI just set there and listened.

  "Now, Mary Gilligan," she commenced. "Do you know the size of the chequeyou signed over to the hotel last night?"

  "About twelve-fifty," I says sort of getting a glimmer.

  "When your Pa and me was married he give me twelve a week for all ourmeals!" she says, and set back and folded her hands in a way which saidall she hadn't.

  "But times has changed," I says sort of feeble.

  "But appetites has not!" says Ma. "And how can you keep in good trainingon this war-nonsense?" she wanted to know. "Not to mention me, which itmight improve my figure but never my disposition?"

  "But how about making war sacrifices and all, Ma?" I says. "Jim ain'teating like we done up till yesterday!"

  "Nor he ain't eating twelve dollar dinners at the Ritz, neither," shereminds me, at which of course I shut up and she went on. "Now I dontbelieve being stingy to ourselves is really gonner help the war. Youhave strode in upon my department for once, Mary Gilligan, and I'm goingto put you out! You don't know where to economize and I do. No moreeating out, and a good sensible table at home, minus cream cakes," shesays, "is what we do from now on!"

  And with that she marches out leaving me flat as one of her ownpan-cakes. Well, this was bad enough, but when Musette got after me as Iwas dressing to go for my five miles, I seen that my humbling for theday was not finished.

  "That dress Madam bought yesterday," she began.

  "You can have it!" I said, beating her to it, or so I thought.

  "Thank you, I do not care for it," says Musette. "I was just remarkingit is really not fit to wear again. Madam would of done better to pay alittle more!"

  Can you beat it? You can not! Two falls from one pride! Believe you me Itook _some_ walk that afternoon, and if I had wore a speedomiter I betit would have registered a lot over five miles. And while I was walkingI kept getting madder and madder and more and more worked up over whatboneheads people was and how was a person to economize nowadays and howon earth would I sell all them stamps by Saturday night with a matineein between and keep my promise to President Wilson? It begun to looklike I was going to have to become one of them sidewalk pests. I got areal good picture of myself going up to the proud or pesky passer-by,and getting turned down so often that my spirit was bent thinking of it.

  But--believe you me--I made up my mind that if I had to hold up anybodyto make them invest in the World's Soundest Securities or W.S.S. I wouldhold them up good and plenty and no disguise about it. I thought againabout my revolver, the one which I had used it in the movies when I done"The Dancer's Downfall" for them and kept it for a souvenir. I was thatwrought up over the situation that by the time I got home I had prettynear decided I'd take that fire-arm to the theatre and lock the doorsand come down front center and shoot out one of the lights to show Imeant it and then take the money right off the audience. The theatrebeing my native element it seemed only natural to pull the trick there,only being a lady the gun really did look a little rough only not moreso than the public deserved.

  V

  WELL, anyways, I was certainly up against it with all them blanks stillon my hands and no way in sight of getting rid of them. And just to makethings nice and pleasant, what do I see when I come on the stage thatnight but Ruby Roselle and her pet lounge-lizzard which were sitting ina box. She certainly seems to go in for reptiles for pets. And no soonerdid I get off after my eighth curtain call, than around she comes to mydressing room and hands me a check for her stamps and for the ones shehad undertaken to sell and already had.

  "I suppose yours is all sold too!" says Ruby. "You are so efficient,dearie!"

  "Oh, mine are all right!" I snapped. "Or will be by this timeto-morrow."

  "Why, ain't they gone?" she cooed. And did I wish for my gun? I did!"Ain't you give any of them cards out yet?" she says.

  "No!" I says. "But I will--I'll commence wit
h you, dear Miss Roselle," Isays. "And here you are"--and I filled out the receipt cards which I hada few in my vanity case for emergencies, and give them to her. When shetook them I noticed she had a awful funny look in her eye, but at thetime it meant nothing to me. Alas! Would I had heeded it more--butno--solid ivory! Solid ivory! I passed it up completely. And Rubygrabbed the cards, collected her new pet animal, and went away.

  Well, my state of mind that night was distinctly poor, even after thenice little well-ballanced war-ration of hot chocolate and corn breadwith brown sugar which Ma had for me and delicious as anything you everate if she did get the recipe out of a newspaper and they so unreliablenowadays. But no letter from Jim, and so after I had asked Ma if shethought it was right to wear black, I went to bed and fell into aexhausted sleep which lasted well on toward the box-office man'safternoon on, because Ma always lets me sleep late when I have to dancetwice.

  Well, anyways, I was so rushed getting to the theatre for the matineethat I hadn't no time to try any of that sidewalk stuff, only I did geta cheque from each of the other committee members and told Ma to sendthem receipt cards. And did I feel cheap? I _did!_ A flivver, that waswhat I had made. But so long as Jim was surely dead by now, I didn'tcare for myself. Only my promise to Mr. Wilson made a lump in my throatwhile doing my three hand-springs and the "Valse Superb," which showshow bad I felt. And what do you know, when I took my encore, there wasRuby Roselle again, down in front and all alone.

  This got about the last butt out of my goat and I sent an usher to gether, but Ruby had went before the usher had made up her mind toundertake the mission. I was just about wild all the way home, and thesight of Ma's face when I got there almost made me cry it was that sweetand friendly. Honest to Gawd when Ma has got her own way about anythingshe is just lovely to be with! And having got the kitchen back and thegrandest dish of baked beans all full of molasses and salt pork fordinner, she was feeling fine and I was the same under her influence andeven let her play "Sing Me to Sleep" with the loud pedal on Jim'ssouvenir afterwards and never said a word to her about it, thoughsuffering while I listened. And then it was time to go back to thetheatre and I took Musette and that whole box of gilt edged securitieswhich seemed no good to nobody, but I took them, and a good yet badthing I did, for on the way downtown I decided what to do, and when Igot there, called the ushers and gave them instructions and a littlesomething else by way of promoting kindly feelings. And then withbeating heart I beat it for the dressing room and commenced rubbing onmy make-up cream with trembling fingers.

  Did you ever make one of them critical decisions which you knew in yourheart you was actually going to carry it through and no camouflage, evenif it killed you and it very likely to? Well, when I decided to make aspeech right out in public I got that feeling--do you get me? And anyElk or other lodge member which attends annual banquets will know what Imean. Honest to Gawd I nearly missed my cue, and after I finally got onthe stage the dance I did must of been either automatic or ainspiration and I don't know why they liked it out in front, but theydid. All I personally myself could hear was "Ladies and Gentleman, Iwant to speak a word to you,"--You know! And hand-springs in between!Well of course when I come out for my first encore I didn't have thewind to say nothing--But my eyes was as good as ever and there in a boxwas Ruby Roselle again!

  Believe you me--that was a jolt and a half! Here she had come to give methe laugh I had no doubt, and somehow after the second call my wind wasall of a sudden back good and strong, and with it came my courage. For Iwouldn't of been downed by her, not for anything!

  So stepping foreward in a modest manner I held up my hand and the housegot quiet and listened. As I have said, the show was at the SpringGarden, and it's awful big and I had never knew how full of silence itcould be until I heard the sound of my own voice all alone in it. Butafter a minute I got used to it, and so interested in trying to convincethe folks, that I didn't care.

  "Ladies and Gentlemen," I says. "This is going to be a plain, goodold-fashioned hold-up! If you listen hard, maybe you'll hear the screamsof the women and children, and the groans of the wounded pocket-books!Far be it from me to do anything so unrefined as to actually use a gunon you," I says, "but I'm going to do the next thing to it. I'm going tosell eleven thousand dollars worth of W.S.S. right here and now, and youare going to buy them. I know all of you has probably been buying themall day and is sick of them, but I have personally promised PresidentWilson to do as much by to-night without fail and you must help me makegood. And no matter how many you have bought," I says, "unless you havea thousand dollars worth you can spend another ten or so apiece. Now, asI say, I know this is a hold-up, because it is meant to be. And anypublic which can sit here in a theatre and feel anoyed at having to buya few stamps when a million of our boys is over in far-away, sort ofunreal France, giving their lives, had ought to have a machine gunturned on them from this stage instead of a line of talk! Probably thisis the first time in the history of finances that it has been necessaryto jolly a crowd into making a good investment. If I was selling stockin a fake gold mine," I says, "you would probably be climbing on thestage to get it! Now will everybody willing to take ten dollars worthkindly stand up?"

  There was a few laughs, and a few people got up here and there, sort ofshamefaced.

  "Come on!" I says. "Come on--are you all cripples? You over there--onlyten dollars--save it on next months grocery bill--all right--save it onyour auto bill!"

  A few more got up then, but not nearly enough and I caught sight ofGoldringer in the wings by then and not having warned him what I wasgoing to do, I could tell by his expression that I mustn't hold thestage too long or a militaristic system would right away be born in ourtheatre. So I got desperate.

  "No more!" I called. "Oh, come on get up! Will I send for crutches, orare you only shy? Remember, I got that money promised! Only ten dollarseach!"

  But no more stirred. For a minute I thought my flivver was complete, andthen I got a idea. I went over and beckoned to George, the orchestraleader, and shaking all over at my own nerve, I whispered to him.George grinned and passed along the whisper to his crew, and in anotherminute that audience was standing, every last one of them, and--believeyou me--the Star Spangled Banner had never sounded so good to me before!

  Well, anyways, my pep all come back and I jumped off the stage as I seethe ushers couldn't possibly handle the orders alone, and wait or nowait, the way that audience took my hold-up was something grand, it wasthat good natured, although of course a Broadway crowd gets sort ofhardened to having their money taken away from them roughly. They waslambs, and took cards so fast I couldn't have shuffled them good if ithad been a game.

  Well, anyways, when I finally got back to my dressing-room and thetrained animals had come on at last--believe you me--I was all in, butnot a card left, and not alone eleven thousand dollars butthirteen-fifty in actual cash! I didn't worry none about having too muchas I never see a committee yet which couldn't use more money than it hadast for, the White Kittens always having a deficit. And then I just putthe boodle away safe in my tin make-up box which I had emptied becauseit locked good, and took me and Musette and it home to Ma.

  Well, that was about all for that, and I had a fine sleep that nightafter sending the President a wire telling him I had the money allright. And if only the censor had loosened up, I would have beenperfectly happy, with all that cash in my little Burglar's Delight overthe mantle-piece and a good real energy-making breakfast coming to me inthe morning.

  But alas for false security, as the poet says. No sooner had Ma and meate breakfast next morning than in came Musette and says there are twogentlemen outside wants to see me. Well, it seems they wouldn't givetheir names so I says show them in for on account of Ma always making usdress in real clothes for breakfast Sundays, it was alright.

  Well, in come two gentlemen then, and it was easy to see one was a cop.Why he didn't have green whiskers or something I dont know because theone citizen you can always spot is a cop, and that
tweed suit was nodisguise, although he seemed to think so. I got a awful funny feeling inmy stomach at this sight although there was nothing on my mind but myhair pins. The other was a gentleman and no disguise about him, and Isort of took to him right away and dropped my society-comedy mannerwhich is such a good weapon of defense against strangers because I knewright away he would see through it on account of him being the realthing.

  "Miss LaTour?" he says politely.

  "Yes," I says, "what can I do for you?"

  "Alias Mary Gilligan?" says the cop, which was right in character andhadn't ought to of got Ma's goat like it done.

  "Alias nothing!" says Ma. "Gilligan is her right name and you can see mymarriage certificate and the date is on it plain!"

  "Better leave this to me for a moment, O'Rourke," says the nicegentleman, about Pa's age, he must have been. Then he turns to me whilethe cop took a back seat.

  "Miss LaTour," the gent. began, "I am one of the local W.S.S.committee--Pioneer Division--Pierson Langton is my name. And I have cometo see you concerning your sale last night!"

  Well--believe you me--the minute I heard his name I had him spotted! Oneof the F. F. V's of N.Y. and I had often seen his name in the paperwith war-work and all.

  "Do sit down, both!" I says real cordial. "I am so glad to see you! It'skind of you to come, because of course I was going to bring you themoney the first thing in the morning! Just wait till I get my make-upbox!"

  And without giving him time to say another word I hurried out and gotit, the cop watching me with his hand on his hip. When I come back andgive Mr. Langton the box and key, he looked real surprised.

  "Twenty-five thousand cash!" I says. "Would you mind counting it?" Hegive me one of the funniest looks I ever had handed out, but he donelike I asked. Then he got up, box under one arm, and bowed, and sat downagain.

  "Miss LaTour," he said. "I think I win a bet with our friend O'Rourke,here! I was sure you were all right. Your reputation was on the face ofit too valuable for such an open fraud. And your utter disingenuousnessis the final proof!"

  "Fraud! What do you mean?" I gasped.

  "There's been a complaint about your selling W.S.S. without noauthority!" says O'Rourke at this. "Entered last night by Miss RubyRoselle. We got your cards here, that she handed in. But you ain't gotno stamps! I dont know but what we ought to make a arrest, Mr. Langton!"

  "I will be obliged to you if you will let the matter drop for themoment," says Mr. Langton. "This young lady acted in good faith, I amconvinced. And now, Miss LaTour, perhaps you will tell us how this allcame about?"

  Well, did I tell him? I did! I never told anything readier. And then Itook out the President's letter which I had it on me, and told how I hadwrit to him at once, partially because I couldn't read the other fellowsname.

  "I accept the reproof," said Mr. Langton. "I will get a rubber-stampto-morrow!"

  Then his eyes twinkled at me in the nicest way, and I twinkled back, andafter that I knew the cop hadn't a chance of running me in, which was abig relief, for my hands felt like a couple of clams, about then, I wasso scared.

  "So you ain't mad?" I says to Mr. Langton.

  "Not a bit!" he says. "I think it can all be straightened out. But ofcourse you understand that what you did was a trifle--er--irregular. Ifyou will come down to headquarters to-morrow and meet the members ofour board, we will be glad to assist you in forming a more regularorganization."

  And I said I would, and then we all said good-by real friendly, even thecop. And I felt awful sort of excited and scared and glad that Ruby hadpulled that stuff, for if she hadn't I might actually of gone to jail, Icould see that plain enough now! And so, to let off a little steam whenthey had all gone I sat down to my souvenir and started off "Over Therein Four Handed Arrangement." Then just as I had got it going good, Ma,who was reading the Sunday paper, gave a holler. I turned around quick,and there her eyes was popping out of her head and glued to the frontpage.

  "Jim!" she shrieked. "My Gawd!"

  Well, how I reached that paper I don't know, but somehow I did and thereit was right in the middle column.

  "American Dancer Now An Ace. James La Tour Brings Down Three Enemy Planes In One Afternoon."

  Oh, my heavens! Didn't I yell, just! And me knocking the newspapers andthe censor. And all the time Jim had been merely too busy to write!